Important Note: This is the final part of a work of fiction. See Part 1 for full disclaimer.

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My Fascinatingly Detailed Teen Angst Bullshit Day Log - Part 6

The Final Chapter - The Day of Reckoning

Today's the big day. I have my dad's old gun. I'm going to kill Ryan, then Claire, then myself in front of the whole school in the cafeteria. Wonder what's for lunch today? Okay, maybe I won't kill Claire, but only because I'm pushed for time.

Wake up early to try and finish my suicide note. Right now it's about 16 pages long. I may need to edit it down. It's going to be studied and pondered over for years to come, it has to be perfect. Maybe I should leave out the poetry section.

Manage to get it finished, and head down for my last breakfast. Mom looks at me in that hopeful way that I despise, but I shake my head at her. I don't know what she wants from me. Maybe when I'm gone she'll realise how selfish and pathetic she really is.

Leave the note in an envelope on my bed, with "In the Event of my Death" written on the outside. I wonder if mom will understand me when she's read it. Probably not. Probably nobody will. In death, as in life, I will remain misunderstood. The gun is already in my bag, wrapped in a towel. I'm all set.

Get to school. Ryan and Claire are in, perfect. Claire's wearing her best outfit. Fucking bitch, still trying to upstage me, even though she's about to have her head blown off.

Go to the toilets to prepare myself. This is it. I get the gun out to check it, and get it ready. Then - disaster. I've forgotten the bullets. They're in a separate box under the stairs, and I've forgotten. FUCK. My plan, my fucking plan... I still have time, my house isn't too far. If I leave now, I can be back in under half an hour, and still carry out my final act of desperate beauty. I stuff the gun back in my bag, and run all the way home.

Get home. Walk through the kitchen, and stop. My mother is hanging by her neck from a rope tied to one of the ceiling pipes that come through from the upstairs bathroom. She's hanged herself. I stare at her, at the rope, at the chair lying on its side underneath her. She is quite obviously dead, her tongue is sticking out and her face looks weird. She must have done it just after I left for school.

There's a note on the table:

"Dear Lauren
I'm so sorry to do this to you, so very sorry it came to this, but the pain is too much to bear. There's nothing really left for me here. I don't know why you hate me so much, all I ever tried to do was love you, care for you, and give you a good life.
I know things haven't been much fun around here since your father died, but I've tried to make you happy. I could never please you though, no matter how hard I tried you just seemed to get more sad, more withdrawn, you seemed to hate me more with every passing day. Whatever it was that I did to you, I'm sorry. If taking myself out of your life makes you feel better, then that is what I must do. I just want you to know that I love you more than anything in the world, you're the most beautiful, wonderful girl a mother could wish for, and I'm so very proud of you. I hope you find the happiness that seems to be eluding you, and that has eluded me. Please forgive me. I love you.
- Mom.
"

I stand there, reading the note over and over. Later, much later, when the police, paramedics, everyone has come and gone, I read it again.

All my bullshit, my stupid, imaginary problems, and here was a woman whose daughter hated her. She killed herself because of me, because of my stupid shit. Maybe it's time to grow the fuck up.

I'm sorry, mom.

I love you.

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