City located on I-90 in eastern South Dakota, county seat for Davison County, population 14,191, and home to Dakota Wesleyan University. But it's so much more...

Before I get started on Mitchell, let me say a few words about the state of South Dakota. First, there are casinos everywhere. I even filled up at a gas station that had slot machines. It's really weird. But secondly, and more importantly, South Dakota has the highest level of beautiful women under 30 per capita in the United States. I didn't see a single unattractive woman during my entire stay in South Dakota. Who knew? This bizarre phenomenon caused my friend captainspatula to speculate on future plans: "South Dakota is like the undiscovered country of attractive women. Some day I'll be a supermodel talent agent and make my living driving I-90 back and forth between Mt. Rushmore and the Corn Palace."

Ah yes, the Corn Palace. Or should I say, the World's Only Corn Palace. For the uneducated, this wondrous spectacle can only be found in Mitchell. And, no offense, but it puts to shame the Enchanted Doll Museum and the Balloon And Airship Museum located just a few minutes away. I mean, why would you go to a Doll Museum when you've got a big ol' Red Square-looking Corn Palace nearby? And this Corn Palace is dynamic, too. Every year they completely redo the outside in a different theme with various grains. The year I was there the theme was "Youth In Action". Last year it was "Building A Nation".

So what's this Corn Palace all about? Basically, it's a gym. Seriously. You go in, and there's this foyer area with some brochures and stuff. Then there's a concession stand selling corn-related food products. I wish I could critique them for you, but it was before noon, and despite the popularity of Corn Flakes, corn before noon is not always a good idea. All around the Corn Palace they've got pictures of all the previous Corn Palace exteriors. Then there's the gym part. You see, the half that's the stands is separated into a theater, and the half that's the court is the gift store. And what a gift store! If you can't find a Corn Palace related item here that satisfies your personal knick-knack fetish, then you've got some kind of weird knick-knack fetish that requires professional help. Seriously. Go call someone.

Now when you buy something from the Corn Palace, they don't just put it in a regular old plastic bag. Oh no. They put it in a biodegradable bag made from corn that feels kind of like plastic. And the whole time you're in the Corn Palace, there's just this collection of incredibly beautiful women working at every station. It's mind-boggling. If there's a such thing as the Corn King, he's gotta be pleased as punch, I tell you. Actually, maybe not. I mean, every time he even glances at one of the Corn Palace girls, the Corn Queen probably whacks him in the back of the head with her Royal Corn Scepter.

That's about all there is to say about Mitchell. I mean there is the Enchanted Doll Museum and the Airship and Balloon Museum, and I'm sure they'd be interesting and be tended by incredibly beautiful South Dakotans (talk about redundancy), but visiting one of those places after the Corn Palace is like watching Police Academy 5 right after L.A. Confidential. Really, what's the point?

Oh, one more thing. Down the street from the Corn Palace, there's this place that sells lawn sculptures. You know, little gargoyles and baby Jesuses and those gnomes from the Edge Pro Gel commercial with David Robinson and Tim Duncan. Anyway, can I just say I think lawn sculpture stores are just about the creepiest things on Earth? If anyone wants to make a seriously scary horror movie, write one about lawn sculptures that come to life and start killing without mercy. That would be cool. But probably not as cool as Bats.

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