I feel fickle for being this concerned about my finances, but losing my job will kick my pride's sorry ass. I wish I could hit the fast-forward button on life to get past these next couple of months (except for the party), but the damn thing's broken. Because of overestimated sales and recent cancellations Liebert has now had two layoffs and will likely have a third in the near future. I've already seen most of my friends walk out the door. Having a name would help, but Emerson accepted me for who I am, and gave me a number based on the time I joined...

-"Hi, I'm 8222. What's your name?"

-"I was 8605... now I'm Bob again thanks to Emerson!"

The first layoff we were told about a week in advance giving me plenty of time to devour my stomach lining. I came in on a Monday, while 16 guys I've worked with were being escorted out to a meeting... I was waiting for them to ask me to join them. Around 360 people lost their jobs that day. At least they were paid for eight hours for being there. I was relieved, but pretty unhappy.

I knew the second layoff was going to happen at the beginning of the day it did. My boss said there was little to do so we would work for four hours, and clean for four. I asked him for a vacation day, but he would not let me... this is really unusual when we have as little work as we do. I thought maybe he was just trying to butt heads with me to see how I would react until he gave me a pat on the shoulder with a stressed look on his face. I was fuming... they were going to let the people they were about to let go, work and clean, and then send them out the door. If I was anymore sure of what was going to occur, and if I had any courage, I would have confronted him... I just sat there feeling ill. My old boss confirmed it a few hours later. This time I felt no better after I found I wasn't laid off.

If they're gonna get me, I'd just assume get it over with. I usually feel fine, but then someone starts a rumor and I lose it again. I'm tired of being afraid. This is where you're supposed to call me a sis and tell me to get over it. Thanks... I feel better.

i am a cd-noder

Not only do I have CD (400) writeups, but I also have CD (lyrics) writeups.

but i am obsolete

I don't know what to do with my life now that I have discovered that I am obsolete. There doesn't seem to be a market for systems programmers anymore, as the systems programming that used to be part of multimedia applications has been abstracted into libraries such as OpenGL. Now games are merely applications.

Speaking of games, I need some help for the art and music in a side-scroller to be developed for the NES. I can't lift media from another game; that would be copyright infringement.

America sucks.

I am seriously considering moving to .ch after I graduate from Rose-Hulman because the Swiss government has no strings to hold it down, unlike corporate puppet Congress.

writeupdates

Since my last diary entry, I have updated these writeups:

This nodevertisement sponsored by Tetanus On Drugs. http://www.pineight.com/tod.htm

Well, after going through one graduation ceremony yesterday, today I was hired to teach at my college, a Win2000 lab class. $30US per hour is what it comes out to, so I am very pleased. Hopefully I will be able to now weasel my way into full-time teaching, as my teaching credential should be in my hot little hands in about 2 weeks.

Had the "you're growing up, you gotta start being responsible" speech with my teenaged daughter. I made a deal with her that I would give her a car when she learns to drive in high school if she maintains straight-A's, and if she keeps it up through high school graduation and goes on to college, she would get a brand-new car. This year, she has been procrastinating and turning in crap to her english teacher... well below her potential, written a half-hour before it is due. If she can pull off getting an A in the class I'll be shocked. While I'm glad I probably won't have to shell out 20K for a new car, I'm a bit disappointed that she blew off her homework to the point of messing her hard-earned 4.0 GPA.

I had a great, long daylog written, full of piss and vinegar over something fairly rude that happened to me last night... I've been depressed lately and, yeah, it sucks, but after reading juliet's w/u beneath mine... man, I felt like a shithead. My problems and miseries are nothing, in the grand scheme of things.

I'm still pissed at dannye, but it's not even worth it anymore.

I fucking hate catch-22's. My grandmother was put back in the hospital again late last week.. and my grandfather is ill.. just like last time.. he worries about her so much.. he makes himself ill.. I hate seeing them suffer.. My mom is a basket case.. it sounds so horrible.. but I wish they would all go in a airplane crash.. quick, painless, and together.. I can deal with my grief.. but if my grandmother dies.. it will be the end of my grandfather.. and my mother would fall apart.. loosing both her parents quickly together.. it sounds so selfish.. but watching others I love grieve.. I feel so helpless because I can't ease their pain.. seeing them in pain just drives a knife in me..

I spent all day with my grandmother.. she worries about me.. she told me today she wants to see me here.. in Florida.. settled.. Settled. A big part of why I am still here is due to obligation I feel for my family.. blah blah only child, only grandchild.. She offered me a car.. heh and what great timing.. since I found out my car needs a new engine.. 6200 dollars I don't have.. I know she isn't doing it to bribe me.. she just thinks it's something that would make living here easier.. I don't care about the car.. but I couldn't bear the guilt of leaving for any serious length of time knowing I could be missing my grandmothers last days..

stress.. between money and worry.. and I can't let it show.. I need to be the strong one.. the one who is full of "it's all going to be wonderful".. I just feel as if I need to go in 50 different directions right now.. and not one of these directions are something I can sacrifice not going in.. for survival.. mental, financial, emotional, physical blah

I feel so useless right now in all my endeavors.

I just wish I knew the answer/s.

I know there is no easy solution.. and eventually something or things will have to give.. and it won't be easy etc.. and "this too shall pass" but I'm scared about the consequences of my actions.. the immediate ones.. and the not so immediate consequences.. I just wish I could at least have the satisfaction of knowing the people I care about aren't suffering.. but my suffering doesn't ease theirs.. I guess I feel as if right now.. I'm just not making it worse. I should be satisfied with that.. but it feels as if it all in vain.. I guess it is.. argh.

. . .

"I really have no what idea to do right now." That statement applies to my life and my state of mind on so many levels. I have no idea to do about my family.. there is really nothing I can do other than what I am.. I am here, as I have been much longer than I intended. I don't see that changing on any permanent level until something to do with the situation changes. This is fine. I can bide my time here, except that it's sending me into financial debt. I don't care about being poor right now, or student loan debt.. but this is much more dire debt.. but to reverse the situation really isn't an option. I am left with just dealing with it like quicksand.. I work to get out.. but I still sink. I guess that will just be awful to fully get out of later, but as far as I sink now.. I won't drown.. I will just choke a bit. I really laugh at the fact that all this stuff distracts me from the mess that is my social life on a personal level. It's slightly amusing. Nevermind my mental health, or lack there of.. haha.. ugh.. but in all seriousness.. I just have this feeling that all this time in Florida is leading me down a bad road where that stuff is concerned. I'm not really sure how or why.. I guess I isolate myself a lot when I am down here, partly due to preference and partly to circumstance. Allowing myself time to rip myself and psyche apart on a daily basis.. instead of doing silly spontaneous things. My social spontaneity is really only acted on when I am being social! I've been trying to work on that though.. I've seen people I haven't seen in months or years.. I just need to learn how to not let the overwhelming drain of a reason for being here is, push over into my being happy when being social in Florida -- and not to avoid doing that by being reclusive. babble babble..

I am a such a master of the obvious. I just realized a lot of my preferred Floridian hermetic behavior is due to the lack of control I feel over my life right now. I mean.. years ago when I was here I subscribed to the idea of "victim of circumstance and fate".. but that's what's so different. The fact that I feel so trapped by realistic and responsible options, totally violates my philosophy of "doing something" if you are unhappy.. doing something to change the circumstance.. even if the something doesn't make it immediately better.. it's at least taking some control and responsibility for one's fate. While I am in control of my fate, and responsible for my circumstances.. it's this passive aggressive control I have right now. At the same time it just reinforces my fears of what's going to be my next challenge down the road.. fear of the unknown.. because I am not even at the point where I have to face the fear.. I just have the scary "coming soon" previews, but without any real information to use to plan and analyze how I will deal with "what's coming soon" ..

It's ironic how to gain something, you must either lose something or go through some sort of pain. For example, if one wants to get into better shape, they must exercise, in which in all of its basic shapes, a source of pain. For one to learn life's greatest lessons, one must learn from mistakes. For one to grow up knowing how life is to be, one must ask rhetorical questions, which in turn must simply be accepted as a question with no answer and to move on. While everyone has to live with the same rules, I don't doubt that there are many like me who dislike the game, where the playing field is neither level nor defined. But, like most things in the world, I've learned to live with it.

Days off is a gift from god, provided there is such a celestial being. It's nice to be able to wake up late once in a while and not feel guilty about it. But today, I woke up early enough to go out for a run. Good fitness I suppose, but it was meant as a medium for pent up frustrations. I just woke up funny today, and I woke up angry at myself, and mostly at the world. I ran a total of 8 kilometers in 2.5 hours, running 200 meters pacingly, then sprinting the next 200 meters, then pacing again and so forth. Finally, I collapse on the grass, and feel the sunlight penetrate every pore in my body. After lying there for about 10 minutes, I stumble home.

I come home realizing that I skipped my first day of summer school for my friend's birthday. While noble, it isn't the smartest thing to be doing but for her, I didn't mind. Old friend, comrade, we've been through a lot of things. But at the same time, I needed somehow to get my book so I asked MrFurious to go get it for me if he had time. Luckily, he did, and I am so grateful for it too.

From noon until about 6, I'm on irc, downloading Fin.K.L, S.E.S. and Baby V.O.X. music videos. I'm what one would call a leech, simply downloading without any form of compensation for the person who is providing the files. While I would upload something if they asked, they simply didn't so I didn't. It's a give and take relationship and since they didn't want me to give anything, I took what I wanted. I would feel guilty if I felt any remorse right now but I'm too tired for complex feelings such as guilt.

I cook my family some dinner, at least trying to be the good son. I took a quick 30 minute nap, then I head off to work out. I get there and I don't work out much. My body feels like Jello but at least there wasn't room for more of me. MrFurious and I go play some basketball with some old friends then after a brief stop off at Mac's, home.

Getting home, I finish my bath quickly and hit the books. This is my break for the night I suppose. I sat outside for tonight, but it was quite chilly. It's cloudy, and the partial moon could only be seen when patches of cloud doesn't cover it in its travels around the globe. I sat there, thinking. Lest my mind go into complete remission, my mind wandered again.

I've been contemplating my place in the world I suppose. Truth be told, I've been seeking my place in my own little world. I need a focal point, a place holder to guide every other facet of life itself. Family cannot be that point simply because it is too broad. It may be a goal, but must be specific enough that I require only myself to do it. It may be a person, but the bond between us must be strong enough to keep my mind in focus. But, only ideally will I find someone so in touch with my soul. I may only be so lucky. So, I came back inside.

I'm not off to bed yet but I should soon. My assignment's due date comes to a close within the next 24 hours so I should finish it first. I bid the night adieu.

May I dream tonight, dream sweet nothings, and sweet everythings. Let me be touched by an angel, with a kiss so sweet, and wings so beautiful that I cannot touch them. I will slumber deeply, and hope that life tomorrow will be a beautiful day, and hopefully, I'll find my focus...

12:49

Last night?

Damn it if I can remember anything about last night.

Oh yeah, I apparently wrote some comments to rec.games.roguelike.nethack re: how Nethack sucks ocassionally.

I think I have some valid points. Other than that, I think I'm able to print those news articles and eat them if I said something that's not particularly good.

I was tired. =(

Okay, time to read the rest of the articles and see if I really am an idiot.

16:50

So maybe I am an idiot afterall. =(

20:32

...or maybe my rant-rant-rantasticity was just caused by the fact that I had not had One Hell Of A Game for some while. =)


  5      14294  Weiforu-Sam-Hum-Mal-Law died in The Dungeons of Doom
                on level 8.  Killed by a giant ant.                     -  [98]

I don't even feel bad after this one... this WAS "one hell of a game". I faced an overwhelming enemy (Upper level was full of giant ants, this level had a HUGE treasure zoo), I was in a room and guarded the last free area I had with my life...

Earlier, I made my short game record (3 moves and death). Moved, picked up a spellbook, read it - teleport, paralysis, 2 jackals, there. 0 points. =)

And before that, I had the Weird Death of the Day: A housecat killed me when I listened to Skaven's "Revenge of the Cats".


Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: Analog

For now on, I'm be keeping the top headlines from around the world here. If there are any sources I'm not using that you recommend, please /msg me. Do you know an english language paper in South America or Eastern Europe that updates daily? Let me know please.

Without further ado, here is today's top news from around the world:

The BBC's Top Headlines:

  • Parties clash on economy
    Labour promises increased prosperity and the Tories question the government's record on tax on the first full day of the UK election.
  • Israeli teenagers 'stoned to death'
    Israeli PM Ariel Sharon condemns the "horrifying" murder of two Israeli 14-year-olds found in a cave near Bethlehem.
  • Porn virus hits computers
    Computer users are warned about an e-mail virus which is taking thousands of people to pornographic websites.
  • Japan considers female succession
    Japan's governing party is to consider changes to the law to allow abdication and female succession to the imperial throne.
  • Afghan children die in heat wave
    Ten Afghan children have died in the last few days at a refugee camp in Pakistan because of heat stroke and dehydration.
  • US steps up missile charm offensive
    American officials continue a diplomatic drive to win support for the controversial missile defence plan with visits to France and South Korea.
  • Zanzibar refugees to return 'soon'
    The UN refugee agency says that it has plans to safely repatriate 680 refugees who fled political persecution on Zanzibar in January.
  • HK defends Falun Gong expulsions
    The Hong Kong authorities rebuff accusations they are deliberately stopping members of the Falun Gong movement from entering the territory.
  • Arab states agree free trade zone
    Four Arab countries - Egypt, Jordan, Tunisia and Morocco - sign a declaration pledging themselves to establish an free trade zone.

The New York Times' Top Headlines

China Daily (Chinese Government -- www.chinadaily.com.cn) Top Headlines

  • Corporate chiefs call for smoother Sino-US ties
    Top corporate chiefs called on Wednesday for a calming of tensions between Washington and Beijing, as a meeting between Bill Clinton and Chinese President Jiang Zemin evoked memories of happier relations.
  • Why China not allowing EP-3 to fly out
    China sought US understanding Wednesday for its refusal to allow US Navy spy plane to fly home, saying public sentiment would be outraged if the aircraft flew again over Chinese territory.
  • Bush supports trade with China
    US President George W. Bush changed his tone toward China Tuesday in a speech to electronic industry executives, many of whom are eager to expand their business ties with the world's potential largest country.
  • US expert sees new US testing
    A Republican arms expert predicted on Tuesday that the Bush administration would resume nuclear weapons testing and would not make the kind of deep cuts in nuclear weapons that some are advocating.

Panapress (African www.panapress.com) Top Headlines

    digital cable...    

    Now that I have it, I can't watch an entire television program anymore without being distracted.  Digital Cable is evil, I'm learning that I was correct to be reluctant to allow it in the house - and probably should have said no.  My wife had ordered it originally and I gave in, thinking that if she wanted it it couldn't possibly be a soul destroying experience...  she is, after all, far closer to a normal person than I ever wanted to be.
    I'm a TLC/Discovery Channel junkie and I've now got about 10 channels of related content... the regular ones TLC, Discovory Channel, A&EThe History Channel... but now I have the History Channel International, Biography Channel, Discovery - kidssciencecivilizationhealth... I'm dizzy from them...  I know I'm a nerd but I was flipping back and forth between James Burke's Connections and the Biography of Isaac Newton...  it was fantastic...  I actually had to tape another show on Space Exporation and then when I got home in the evening I fluctuated between The Ultimate Guide to Dogs and Pyramid science and during the commercials I played the tape from earlier in the day...  the sad thing about it is the fact that I couldn't concentrate on any one of them because I was constantly looking at the guide to see if there was anything more interesting on...  maybe this is just a "Puppy Love" relationship with my cable box....  I'm sure I'll get over my science channel addition eventually...  God, help me!

   
evaluating the deli...

    So last night (while I was taping the space exploration show on Discovery Science) we went to meet with some guy named Bob who owns a place called the High Rise Deli.  Stefanie's dream is to own her own catering business and she came across this guy who wanted to sell one of his locations...  she figured that this place would be the type of facility that would allow her to run off-site catering events and she invited a friend of hers to go into the business with us.  I'm very interested in making sure she gets what she wants where this is concerned because I know how talented she is with people...  She's one of those people that never fails to impress me when it comes to dealing with the public...  she's got this incredible, outgoing personality that fits very well into a crowd and in the spotlight... she's amazing.  
    So we drove up to the office building on Schrock Road and walked up to the front door - finding it locked.  One of the cleaning crew was washing the glass door and we bolted through it - hoping he wouldn't stop us.  I'm not sure, but I think he didn't even notice at all.  We moved across the shiny brown tiles, past the  - oh so modern looking- waterfall, through the lower level until we found the deli.  I trotted up to the closed metal gate and looked for Bob.
    It was empty.  Bob was nowhere to be found.  I could see the disappointment on her face and hated this guy for not being here when he said he would.  She wandered around the place and tried a few doors...
    "Let me see if I can reach him..." she pulled out the phone and dialed...  I wandered the place... 
    The deli itself was not too bad as far as office building cuisine was concerned.  It apparently had a rather large kitchen in the back and the front looked clean and well kept.  The color scheme was IBM blue and there were black and white photographs of skyscrapers and skylines covering the walls.  I don't know what my opinion of the place is - even now.  I think that was what struck me the most about it...  generic...  it had no real charm or style.  It simply was.
    But I thought about Stefanie's ability to turn things into her own creatures...  she probably wouldn't change much as far as the decor was concerned - or she'd leave that to me (of course)...  She told me that I was the one who had to name it (if we did manage to buy the thing).  I could see her behind the counter, making change, wiping counters, filling drinks...  all of this with a secret smile on her face...  I could see the ideas she had for it, she could run the front end of this place, put on a pretty show and, behind the scenes, put on the parties and events she loved to run...  I could see her doing this and I liked that...  I really didn't care about the generic blue of the place.  If she wanted it I would help her get it.
    "I can't get reach him..." she said, dejected.  "I'm sure he forgot."
    I started to get impatient.  The other guy who was going to go into this with us, a guy Stefanie always called Chef Don, had failed to show on time as well.  I was a pissed, but I wanted this to go well, I kept my mouth shut... I wanted this to be what she expected, I wasn't going to make it worse by being antagonistic.  
    We walked back to the glass doors and stood there for a long time as people left the building (giving us a few curious glances)... she was looking a bit more upset.
    "There's Don." she said.  Pointing to a large brown van that pulled into the parking lot. I was relieved to see him because, in the back of my head, I'd suspected that Don and Bob had met already and were trying to keep us out of the deal.  He was as upset as Stefanie was at the fact that Bob never showed and I'm wondering now if we'll ever get the chance to buy this place.  Stefanie is planning on getting with him to find out if the guy is really serious about selling the place.  I hope he is, I think Stefanie would be spectacular on her own...  on the way home I held her hand and played with her fingers to the music.
Most people talk about how some god must have it in for them at some time or other. It's natural to wish to blame some unfortunate occurance or string of such upon some supernatural agency.

But for me, I know that a god has taken a dislike to me. Specifically, it is an E2 god.

I have been a regular visitor to E2 for about 9 weeks, if you don't count the 5 weeks I wasn't here, and it has been noted more than once that I spend a lot of time in the Chatterbox. A couple people have jokingly mentioned that my being on at nearly all hours is throwing off their sense of time.

The ever-helpful dannye has let me know that it is likely due to my talkative nature. I like to talk. I like to talk a lot. Someone has decided that I like to talk too much. Someone with the power to do something about it has decided that I need to be shut up on a fairly regular basis.

I have been borged about seven separate times since coming to E2. The first time, I asked for it, almost literally. I expected it and took it fully aware of my "transgression." But on the last four occaisions of my borging, I received no warning, no reasoning and can only attribute to the fact that someone dislikes me personally.

The first of the three was upon my third submission to the Chatterbox in the ten minutes I had been online. The first comment was that I was there, the second a 'hello' to someone, and the third was, "/me hugs dem bones." The borging came a couple of minutes later. Someone asked what I'd been borged for but otherwise, it went unremarked. The second borging came about ten minutes later after I submitted, "/me hugs Gritchka." I was not so surprised this time, having surmised from the first event that someone perhaps didn't care for me. Another chatterer inquired as to what I had done to deserve borging and was, themselves, borged, which I consider much more offensive than my own borging as all they did was ask a question. Is it being impertinent when you want to know why something has occurred?

The third borging was unexpected. I had been trading messages with Rancid_Pickle and managed to type /mgs, which then sends the message as public. While I think it's a bit harsh to borg someone for a typo, I have seen this done to several others, so this is unlikely to be anything personal.

The final borging came after I declared that to my joy I would be going to the Ohio shindig. Yet again, I was borged. It was on this occasion that dannye was kind enough to let me know what he thought to be the reason for my many recent borgings. I will have to accept what he has told me as the person responsible has remained completely silent, offering no comment from which I can learn. Again, several other chatterers were confused by my being borged as they could see no reason for it. While borged, I wrote the writeup covering my intention to go to Ohio.

I acknowledge that I talk too much. I always have and while I try to temper that part of my personality, it is still a problem. But, upon reflection, I realize that I'm not even remotely the most talkative person in the Chatterbox. There are several others who can easily outtalk me on any given day. The only difference I can find is that I have only been an E2 user since the last week of January, making me a relative newbie, while the others in question have been her much longer and that I am online a higher percentage of the day.

Since it has been made clear to me that someone in power does not appreciate my presence in the Chatterbox, I have chosen to withdraw for a time. This is unfortunate, for the site as well as for me, as at least 10% of my writeups have come from comments, questions and discussions in the Chatterbox (not including any of my daylogs, which are mostly about my borgins). Specifically, there was no information about the long division symbol before jessicapierce asked about what it was called in the Chatterbox. Also, the history of Daylight Saving Time was also un-noded.

I spent time in the Chatterbox for inspiration as much as to chatter. Now I will have to look elsewhere. One might suggest that I just watch what is said and keep silent. I thought of that option and even tried it, just reading what was going on and only offering comments via private message. This worked for a short time, but seeing the conversations and knowing that if I participated in them would likely get me borged was upsetting. Normally, I am proof against most attacks, letting them slide like water from my back. But when I am persecuted (I can think of no better way to describe these events) and am given no opportunity or option, I tend to take it hard. Normally, I am difficult to bully, but when my tormentor comes from a position where I can neither strike back nor even know from whence the attacks come, I am undone. Merely considering the events which have driven me from the Chatterbox is upsetting, and since they are obviously (to me) personal, it makes me cry. So, until such time as I feel things have changed I will not participate in the Chatterbox events.

One of the gods frowns upon me, and I have felt his wrath.

I haven't daylogged in a while. Why? Because I get somewhat bummed when some of WU's with the highest reps are just apethetic spew in daylogs. I daylog to get stuff out of my head, not for XP.

That having been said, I feel horrid right now. I'm mentally exhausted and feel like I'm on the verge of tears, and have been this way for the past day. I have no idea why, though I get this way around the same time every month.. my girlfriend says it's Male PMS, and I'm inclined to agree with her. I just want to be hugged and cuddled.. I just want to go into a dark room and sob my guts out.

I deal with it the same way I always do: I load some bits (today is Bt) into XMMS and dive headfirst into a mountain of ether that is code and swim around for a few hours.. catching the curl here, a blue room there, avoid the sharks over there by the logging entires. Am I so messed up that coding is one of the few things that helps me keep my sanity anymore? I dare say that if it wasn't for my trusty copy of the one true text editor and my ever understanding girlfriend, I would have emptied a Taco Bell long ago.

Speaking of which, I'm feeling very bad about snipping at my lovely girlfriend last night. Granted, it was understandable that I did, but I feel I spazzed out a little too much... if you're reading this, love, I'm sorry.

Okay, everybody, all together...

March, march, march...Re....TARDED!

Ah, I feel...well, okay, it didn't help that much. It's move-out day at Rutgers University. I didn't actually know this until today, being a graduate student, but it is. Since I didn't know this, I decided to take public transportation. All the way from Rockaway Park, New York, to New Brunswick, New Jersey. Someone should stamp a big IDIOT on my forehead in big red letters.

It actually wouldn't have been that bad, except that I waited for three, count 'em, three different subway trains, only to find that I'd managed to miss the New Jersey Transit train by about a minute and a half. So I waited in Penn Station for the next one, which got me into New Brunswick after 12. This, after leaving the house at 8.45 am. And then, I got to wait for a Rutgers bus by the grease trucks for a looooooong time. I won't go off on the Rutgers bus system, as dmd has more than accurately described it already, but it's the last day of the exam week schedule, which is even SLOWER than the normal system! Hooray for retardation!

Luckily, retardation is not simply on the part of public transportation. Oh, no. There are loads of stupid people in cars, too. And all of them seem to have relatives who attend Rutgers! (Like I said, it's move-out day.) So the poor bus driver is waiting at an intersection (for those of you who know the area, at George St. and Hamilton St.) for the light to change. Meanwhile, there's a school bus parked on the other side of the road, and there are cars in the right lane. And on the cross street, there are two NJ Transit buses trying to make a left onto the road we're on, trying to go between the bus I'm on and the school bus parked on the other side of the road. Naturally, there wasn't enough room to make the turn. Now, the car in the right lane is just sitting there. The whole intersection is blocked for two cycles of light changes, and she's just sitting there. The bus driver had to get out and tell her to move. HELLO!

So, it took me four hours just to start the damn day.

It can only get better from here. Right? Right? RIGHT?!

I am screwed.

I have been given an opportunity.

Well, many things have happened over the last few days, well, ok, two days.

Well, that's life, for now. Life will get better tomarrow.

Woo Hoo! I so totally passed my senior project. After so many countless hours of researching, writing, and typing, I'm on the fast track to graduating now.

It seems odd that one little paper determines a quarter of your final average in English. But personally, I don't care anymore, the beast is off my back, and for the rest of the year (all 15 days of it) it's nappy time for the big guy. :)

I'm glad that I finally found some inspiration to start writing again, I had been so totally out of noding it was pitiful. Hopefully, I'll get back into the habit, and entertain the E2 group with my rantings again.

I had a disturbing incident yesterday. I took my daughter to lunch at a local fast food restaraunt. The girl behind the register was very pleasant and we placed our order. There were probably 5 other parties in the place, and I didnt notice that none of them had food. After a bit, a couple of the people started talking, complaining about not getting their food. Time drew on, and no food was forthcoming and more people were coming in and ordering. Finally I went up to ask....on the counter behind the pleasant girl were tray upon tray of food. She had carefully sorted it so that all the burgers were on one tray, all the fries on another, etc. She had all our tickets in front of her and was just staring, obviously unable to figure out how to sort the food into the orders. I watched her for a few seconds, and realized that this poor girl was simply unable to do this. I pointed out what had been on my order and she gave me my food. The the rest of the crowd started getting rude to her, angry and beligerant. The worse they got, the more confused she became. And the food piled up. So did her anger and confusion...and something like terror that I saw in her eyes....that she couldn't even do a simple thing like fill an order in a fast food resturaunt. The look in her eyes made me sad and made me feel very very lucky for being who and how I am.

Hope springs eternal/May is sprung/Hope in May/that love may come.

Last night they read my play over at the Brick; it was a workshopping, a chance for others to hear my works and work out the bugs. The thing was lousy with bugs, but I expected that, and was prepared. But the experience gives me hope that I really do have a future as a playwright (provided I ever learn to spell).

So now I get to have yet another long talk with the man tonight. (dread, fear, dread) He wants more intimacy and I want more distance - I think. How much of this is good, what is really bad, I don't really have a clue. I really want to be single. I want to be free of him, and at the same time, just knowing he's there, makes me feel so much safer, more secure. I hate when he calls, but I want him to be there when I call. I don't want to see him, yet I do.

I love him a hell of a lot but he makes me crazy. Why does he get on my nerves so much? Should we just be friends? Is that even possible? What do I really want? Am I just in denial about my feelings for him? Am I allowing myself to feel what is real and true deep inside? Is it the girl thing that is getting in the way? Maybe the truth is, I'm just too immature for any relationship. Maybe the truth is something else -maybe I'll find out tonight.

And maybe I won't. Maybe I will run from relationship to relationship - but I haven't ever done that before, so why am I putting that trip on myself?

Why am I putting myself down, instead of waiting for understanding to well up from within. The last time we were together, as we talked, I felt the fear inside build and build. Finally, the truth came out - I was afraid of being controlled by a man in a relationship, regardless who it is or how long I've know him. I felt that he would control me, and put me in a box and run my circuit board. I still have that fear.

Women feel so much safer to me. Is that sane? Or rather a reflection of my neurosis. My therapist calls me "part-ish". She thinks many of my feelings come from parts inside me, that sit undigested, stirring my emotional currents and directing my brain. Does it matter anyway? This is who I am, right now, period. Not a damn thing more I can do than what I am doing right now.

On the other hand, my horrendous cold is getting better.

9:00 Am
Hungover
Called the doctor, asked politely to get my letter for my medical withdrawal from FAU, ended up running around getting the other forms I need and calling the doctor no less than 12 times, still no letter. I’ve been trying for a week.
I didn’t get ANYTHING done in the way of my speeding ticket, that can wait though, I have to have all my stuff for my withdrawal in by Friday, or I don’t get my cash back. Sent in my application for the Art institute of Ft. Lauderdale too. Feels good to be mildly productive during the day.

4:00 Pm Read a few more chapters of, and noded Fingerprints of the gods, it is too good a book to be left un-noded.
I’ve been listening to Schism by Tool (their new one) pretty much exclusively the past few days, it seems to be a perfect counterpart to Forty Six and 2, well at least from my perspective. It seems to point toward a collective consciousness, wherein people would function together as a whole, rather than as separate units like they do now. I love it.

I know the pieces fit.

I’m also in the midst of cleaning my room, I’ve taken out 4 garbage bags already (big cleanup, both walk in closets need to shine), and I think I probably have another 2 to go. I have to run about 8 loads of laundry too, which is underway.

Plans for the rest of the day:
-Fill out the forms for my medical withdrawal
-Read for a few hours
-Install Debian on the recently-resurrected Pentium 166 that is literally duct taped together (the power button needs constant force on it or it turns off)
-If I feel up to it, I might go bowling with a few friends.
Jeremy isn't my best friend--I don't really have a best friend, but that's another story--but we're pretty close friends. Yesterday I was talking to his girlfriend of roughly four years. She told me she had just gotten a scholarship to a college about 1 1/2 hours away, and that he wasn't going with her. They'd just broken up because "the relationship wasn't there". Today I saw her hanging out with some of her friends. She leaned over and kissed some guy she hangs out with and a few minutes later walked away holding hands with him.

I was too far away to see if she kissed him on the lips or on the cheek. She tends to be over-affectionate, and has little-to-no sense of boundaries or appropriate behavior, so it could have been something other than what it looked like, but I doubt it.

I don't think I'll tell him, some things are better left unsaid, they're allready broken up. And I guess, deep down, I'm not too surprised that she pulled a stunt like this. Now that the anger has past, I think I'm more disappointed than anything else.

I think this is all a figment of my imagination. It has to be! There is no obvious explanation for the phenomenon I seem to have found myself in this time. But I kind of hope this one is true. And if it is, I don't know quite what I'll do with myself.

My world has been completely flipped around, dangled, pounced on, and enlightened.

It started a little something like this....
I began making plans to hit the Brewers Art with my brother and some of my friends. The list came up to Lord Bear, SatyrBoy, Eric, and Satyr's boyfriend, with a little rendezvous at Dougherty's with co-workers later. My brother was to catch a cab and be there right after dark....he was late, as is his usual. Satyr went downstairs, as I hung outside with Bear to wait for Chip. About half an hour later, Eric showed up, and we discussed social conditions. My say is, if you don't like me, then just come right out and say it. I don't want to have to deal with cliques anyway. I left that shit behind me years ago.

Chip shows up, we do our thing, and he and Bear get on really well. This makes me feel warm and fuzzy, as Bear's one of my best friends, and I hope he always will be. I dug it. We decide to move it along to Dougherty's, as Satyr and I had gone and found Adam, (hot little virgo, and someone who is slowly becoming my buddy at work), and he told us Grrmly and some of our buds were going to show up. Yah! Bear made his exit, as drinking is just NOT his bag...understandably. Eric seemed down and frustrated, as all of us have been given to lately. Sometimes I really don't know what to say or do to brighten his mood......but I do try. Dragged him away from Lilly's Steve, and we walked to our neck of the woods.

Chipper can't get over all of the pretty girls this city has to offer, and I had to agree as we sipped our Yuengling and filled the air above the table with smoke. I smoke Reds now, I think it's because I believe I deserve them. But I digress.

About a quarter to eleven, Grrmly walks in with that new bald head of his. I'm the only one who recognizes him and I yell for him to come over. He practically hops right over, wraps an arm around my neck and gives me a kiss on the cheek. I could probably have died a happy woman at that point, but no, life has to keep me guessing. I look around for his girlfriend, Erin, but she's nowhere in sight. There's a huge story behind this that I'll relate as the plot thickens. Grrmly's brought his friend Fred with him, and those two immediately get rucus and loud. Then Adam and his girl, Trish, show up. We start drinking shots of Southern Comfort and lime juice......I can hardly keep up with everything that's being said as Grrmly's leg keeps hitting mine in it's natural vibrating state. I'm being polite and cordial, but my heart does speed up against my best wishes.

My brother and I talk of Florida, and soon the whole table's in on that line. I mention Grrmly's incredible black and whites, and we're all invited back to his place to see his stuff, though he's being very humble about the situation. And his dogs. I insisted Chip see Grrmly's dogs....Satyr and Nathan leave, with my brother's warning to 'watch out for my little sister!'. I have to grin, it's so seldom I get that weird sibling protection. Adam and Trish head out too, which leaves Fred, Chip, Grrmly and me.

I really liked spending time with Erin at the Midtown Yacht Club a few weeks ago, as we have a lot in common. Not only are our birthdays only three days apart, but she was adopted too. This was that fateful nite when Satyr broke that mirror with the sugar holder. Phyllis, Satyr and I had gone to their apartment to pick them up, and I found myself walking into an apartment that was very familiar to me. This is where that party was where I went with Kash, Mike, Jacob........where we ran into Kim, Kurt, and Tim. Yikes! It had been Grrmly's party! I didn't even know him back then! Also upon entering, I was practically swimming in dogs past my waist! Guiness, Chubby and Moose. Erin had initially been very stand-offish, and the two of them were almost overly affectionate, as if they were being threatened by something....but I chalked that up to my imagination. Besides, I'm not a boyfriend stealer, even if I hadn't gotten that huge honkin' crush on the boy when I first met him. You know what I mean?

So I asked where Erin was, and was shocked with the answer I got. "She left me." What!?!?! Now, I'm definitely not one to get jealous about the fact that someone is dating someone I really like, I mean, what's their's is their's. Finis! But I couldn't bear the fact that she had thrown away someone as fuckin' amazing as Grrmly. And he was being humble again, saying she was just too great of a person, and he had to let her go where she wanted. She wanted to go away, and that was that.

I just couldn't believe it, so I tried to push and prod to find out if it was the real deal. He said he just couldn't hold onto to her, he really dug her........but she just had to go her own way. So she moved out and is staying with friends. Damn....

It was about this point where midnight struck, so the next part of this story is to spill over into tomorrow.

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