Okay, let us see how flat orange soda, tears of rage, and NIN goes together whilst typing. Two more days of working a job I utterly detest, eight days more in this hell. They say war is hell, well, perhaps long goodbyes are a friggin close second. I find myself wondering why no one is spending any time with me before I go, I think the few people I had close to me are finially sick of me being around...well, not too much longer people. The things that are really bothering me is the fact that I cannot quantify what I achieved on this two year trip here. I'm leaving with little more than what I came with, the ghosts I brought here have been replaced with fresh and angry demons. Was it all a waste? Were the countless hours of mental torture I put -myself- through all for nothing? Of course we learn from experiences, but what did I teach? I keep waiting to be pleasantly surprised, being able to say "Oh my, you didn't have to do that..." but I don't think anything is coming. Just the coldness I long for, so out of place in this heat.
At least one thing is interesting. There's this girl I've been eying the past few weeks, a screenplay writer that I went to Ybor with a week or so ago. Saw her last night briefly at the coffee bar..walked in to the sight of her blasting away with two guns on Area 51. My god there is something sexy about a classy chick with guns. Sauntered over and told her so, recieved a grin and a gun for my very own. We played a bit, then sat down to talk.
Due slightly to the fact that I still owe her $20, of which she has politely said nothing of, I asked her out for Friday night. She quickly accepted, then mentioned she had something to do Saturday, and she couldn't decide. I asked her what the choice was. She turned to very calmly and said;
"Well, first of all, you know I'm Scientoligist, right?"
I pause. "Ah, a scienta?" she looks at me puzzled.
"That's what the locals call you guys" I finished.
Amazingly, the conversation proceeds smoothly, and I manage to learn a little about it without pissing her off. Personally, and I shared this with her, I think it's all a bit misleading, the way they present themselves. So I'm invited to an Auditing session this Saturday evening. May as well see firsthand before I judge them anymore. I'm not worried, I'm not the following type. Just killing time till I get outta here.
I found out I had a paper accepted at a conference.

I got all new brakes on my wife's car. She said it was driving funny, and boy, was she right. It seems that maybe only 1 wheel was working well, and it would grab and cause the tire to skid on any surface with less than optimal traction. So $600 for fixing the thing. Wow.

I bought pants online.

I tried to help the coop with networking their computers and determined they must have a dead hub.

It was a beautiful sunny day, perhaps a little cool.

I bought Crowded House's Woodface and Richard Thompson's Mock Tudor. I didn't realize exactly how good these albums are.

I haven't noded since May 10, 2001.
It's strange, because E2 has been a big part of my life, I've been here for a while, I know about it back in the Days of E1, I had an account from E1 (ZappaPhD), and I'm hooked now. I didn't even think about the long break I had taken from noding, it just happened, and now I find my self a different person entirely, but noding again.
I love to node.
So, almost a month without noding, and I've come so far.
I went to the beach two weeks ago, and met a really nice girl, and I guess that started to change things (it's fitting that a woman is to blame :-). So I meet this girl, who I really enjoy. Not so much attracted to (although I was) but I just liked hearing her talk to me, I liked being in her prescence, she made me happy, and I felt good because I (think) that I made her happy as well. (Her name was Samantha.)
So I come back home, and she goes home to her home in Gainsville, Fl. (Her family and mine go way back.) I'm home, and I feel like I need a girlfriend.
Like I'm lacking something.

I hate feeling this way, like I'm not independent, or confident enough to be solitary, and be happy as well.
Rhapsody in Screwed :: Part V
22:05 :: 5.30.01

got up early, had a smoke, listened to the the and set up some last minute file transfers. walked to werk in the early afternoon light. it was setting itself up to be an awesome day. then i got to werk. a nice long day of formatting floppies and watching my computer crash. i still can't figure out what went wrong. one netscape window, audiogalaxy satellite, and windows exploder should not wipe out a machine. i begin to suspect bad ram.

(a day for drinking from the ashtray...)

after i get out of that hellacious mess, i begin the walk home with pleasant thoughts of the phone call i am expecting...someone has to have had a better day than i, and i think i know who can get me laughing again. unfortunately, a random gust of wind catches me daydreaming and pops my new parasol inside out, tearing the paper and breaking the ties. cursing, i at last arrive at home.

"freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose..."

my mom came by and brought me a book of rudyard kipling stories that used to belong to my great aunt irene. i like kipling. i don't care if he is "politically incorrect", the man wrote great stories. we talked about how my tuition was going to get paid this month, and i realized just how badly i had gotten screwed in the timesheet goof. took $300 out of savings to pay my bills until the paycheck arrives. not feeling too good about it, but i don't know what else to do.

welcome to the desert of the Real, and damn is it deserted.

jerrett called, as i was killing off the Blue Blasphemy mix, and the sound of his voice was all i needed to remember that the Real didn't have to be real enough to kick my ass up & down the block. we talked a bit about how life is, how life ought to be, and why you shouldn't play with handcuffs unless you know where the keys are. finally finished off the mix and threw a nice cover on it. the insert text reads:

(Love Songs for a Bruised Generation) This mix began on a whim, some months after it became clear that MW III : The Kings of Vegas would not be put to its intended use this year. This is the culmination of much rumination and speculation on the nature of truth, love, and club-pop. B.in B. was begun on Thursday May 24, while avoiding Euphoria(tm) and its regular denizens, and painting the case of an outgoing computer. In the end, the mix is dedicated to the two real people in my life-- the light one and the dark one, you know who you are. And to the rest of you loons, take a lesson and take notes: you never know when that sickening sensation will sneak up behind you and ram a battleship through your chest. Good luck to you all, my merry band of lovers and fighters. :: yrs, ****
i'll spare you the track listing, but i'm damned proud of this one, to be totally honest. i don't know what the hell i'm trying to say here, right now. i guess i should put a lid on it until i figure it out, lest i shoot myself in the other foot as well...
What a long day. First, the hotline phone forwards to my mobile phone and wakes me up. This is how I'm informed that I'm on-call. It is a major crisis, according to our customer. They are trying out the latest version of one of our applications, and it has major performance problems.

Calls back and forth about this problem occupy most of my day, as well as consultations with the developer in charge of this application. Meanwhile, two other projects I'm involved in get bad news...we're losing some equipment and another customer is delaying their launch.

Anyhow, I've finished Who Moved My Cheese. Interesting, but not as inspiring as The One Minute Manager. Now I'm on to Dreamcatcher by Stephen King. Looks promising so far.

I need a haircut so badly. Worse, I sat on my glasses, so I need to get another pair. I think I'll take advantage of this trip and get prescription sunglasses as well. Maybe getting sunglasses will spur on the beginning of summer. It feels like fall to me right now.

I cried today.
This may not seem like an important event to a lot of people, but I almost thought that I was incapable of doing it it's been so long. Crying used to be a weekly cleansing sort of thing for me, but ever since my father died (see: May 30, 2001), I haven't cried nearly as often. I've had many theories on the subject, one of them that when I lost my dad, I cried so much that I used up the supply of tears. Someone suggested this to me a while ago, and I think it really makes sense: That when my dad died, it was something real and traumatic, and that nothing else that I used to cry about or want to cry about now can match that level of sadness. I did used to cry about a lot of self-indulgent, self-pitying kinds of things, and I can't cry about those things anymore. But I cried today when I was writing about my dad.


Song I'm listening to and wanting to cry about lately (this was before I actually cried about something else): "All or Nothing" by the manufactured-on-national-television Boy Band, O-Town. I've always considered it a bad thing when your emotions are expressed perfectly by shitty pop songs.

11:06

Today's stuff so far: I'm cleaning up in university machines. I had tons of unnecessary stuff in my home directory, accumulated over last two years...

I installed Irssi to university IRC-and-other-fun machine as well...

The results of the clean-up operation: After unnecessary crap removed, I have used only about 20 megabytes of 50 meg disk quota.

Now, I need to clean up other places as well...

15:05

(Yaaawn.) All sorts of things work, my "designs" seem to take fundamental shape, and I've spent all votes again.

Irssi rocks too, by the way...

16:45

Ah well, looked at IMDB: Looks like Terminator's 6502 program code was for... ack, gasp... Apple II. Furthermore, some code was said to be in ... (ouch) ... COBOL.

Time to act! Let's replace the processor with 65816 (Commodore 64 + SuperCPU) and re-program the Terminator in C!!! Then we can invade Redmond!

"Cable Terminator 2"


Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: censorware

Updated: A couple of nodes, can't remember what... Finalta, I think.

Whew. Been quite a while since I've written anything.

End of semester was really busy, with finals and my sister's (now cancelled) wedding to get ready for.

I'm in Saskatoon for the summer, got that job I really wanted. It's great, much better than anything I would have gotten in Calgary. I get to do real research -- quite a foreign concept to me. But I love it. I get to work and I'm interested in what I'm doing everyday.

Saskatoon is really quite boring, as I know very few people. At least their bus system is pretty decent, I can get out to the movies lots, see all the stuff that my boyfriend won't go see with me. (Yaaaay, chick flicks!)

Going home in thirteen more days.... already counting the days and hours till I see my boyfriend again!

I was really scared when I left for here, that being apart for so long would wreck our relationship. It's had quite the opposite effect... distance makes the heart grow fonder, I guess. I think it's just that we're saving time to phone each other every day, and actually talking about things (not just how was your day, blah blah blah, etc.). Can't wait to see him again!

Well, better get down to work.

I'm in class right now, taking exams. I figured noding took precedence over exams, so here I am. Yesterday, my friend Michael came to my house in his 1977 Firebird formula, with a 400ci engine, with 400lbs of torque. We went rock climbing, which is always good, and then went to his house.

Upon arrival, he uncovered the 74 Firebird esperi sitting in the driveway. We looked at it, and talked about the problems with it. He promptly told me his dad might want to sell it. Needless to say, we continued the conversation after we cleaned all the saliva off the car, after I drooled on it for a few minutes.

Specifications:

  • 350ci engine
  • 309(?) rear end differential
  • 15 inch rims
  • Newly restored engine.
  • Body in poor condition.

    It's a project car, drool drool. Needs a new starter. Michael says, "I wouldn't pay more than... 1300 I think..." Promptly my head exploded from the rush of blood as I imagined myself driving this beautiful machine, newly restored body and black paint job, down the road with the wind at my back...

    His dad might not sell... In which case I will probably go on a binge... : (((( : ))))

    Firebird

    Also while looking at a junk lot, a hugh redneck female stepped out of her house to tell us, "Fellers! You gon' git dawwwg bit. That's none of yo business son. You gon' haf to cum back tumorra, i spose." I wanted to beat her...

  • When it rains it pours...

    Well, My daughter who has arthritis is having another flare but this one is pretty bad. It's spreading to her other knee. One doctor wants to give her steroid shots and the others want to give her naproxyn sodium. On one hand the shot will help it pretty well but it will make her knee look terrible. On the other hand the naproxyn will be less intrusive than the shot but tear up her stomach. I'm thinking about seeing if we can have her try a COX-2 inhibitor like Vioxx or Celebrex.
    I guess the only good thing is she is still a happy child.

    My other daughter is going to CHOP for an MRI. She has some fatty deposit on her foot that the doctor's want to check out. They said don't worry but they have NO idea what it is. Plus she has an ear infection.

    My wife doesn't have a thyroid problem but she does have depression and is on drug therapy for it. The first week is the tough one. Plus TOM is hitting. So she is on a big emotional roller coaster.

    and me...
    I'm fine but I'm stuck with all of this.
    Say a prayer,
    light a candle
    keep me in your thoughts. It's not easy.
    At least this is the new me and I'm pretty sane even with being a sick puppy

    Work has been driving me crazy for the past few weeks. My assistant is out on maternity leave and I'm working by myself. Tomorrow I get a new helper (temp) from Georgia, the country so that should help some what. I am giving him the crappy stuff to do that we always put off, and that should help him settle in and acclimate and meet everyone here as well.

    I wish I could write about some other stuff but that's not such a good idea anymore. It never was, was it? On the other hand, I'm changing my IRL name to Jamie. I really like hearing it from others when they say, "Hi, Jamie!" I like it so much better than my other name. My other name feels like down and out, this one feels happy and pretty.

    I just read five incredible wu's by Aphrodite about her Rachel. Read them! They are on her home page and they kick ass! She's an awesome writer. Aphrodite, come back!

    For those of you that don’t know, one of my housemates is opening a gamestore! Most of my days off from work lately have been spent there, helping with the renovation, painting, et cetera. It’s almost done: stock is on the floor; the inventory system is running; and we have both charged and credited ourselves US$0.02 with the credit card swiper

    A shameless plug follows:

    EndGame is Near!
    Pre-Opening is 10aM Saturday June 2ND!

    Grand Opening (with a schedule of demos, as well as Apocalypse cards and Inquisitor miniatures)
    will be June 9-10TH.
    Located on Lakeshore Avenue in Oakland.

    We now return you to the regularly scheduled noding.

    I can't wait to kiss this May good-bye.

    It takes quite a lot, indeed, a lot, to really make me mad. But believe you me, I am pissed off.
    I walked into my second job yesterday, to explain the fact that I had to have the afternoon off in order to have a piece of my head removed from my mouth. It's no secret that I've been fighting with my wisdom teeth for months, even years now, and it was finally time to have one of the fookers jacked from my jaw. This was okayed by Jada, my sweet little co-worker, saying she thought she would have no problem covering for me.

    Bear took me to get this atrocity done, something I will be thankful to him for the rest of my life for, and clenched my fists as the popping and snapping of the monster in the back of my head was completed. I did not feel brave in the least, I felt merely relieved. I had put this off for almost five years, bearing the pain of infection and disintergration almost stoically. But no, I was a pompous ass for not having it done sooner.

    I came to work at the butt crack of dawn today, high as a kite from the painkillers, and work went marvelously. I finished that shift, hopped in the car to go buy cat food, and to start my next six hour shift at the retail joint. I needed a shirt for work, because frankly, I looked like hell, so I walked a little further down Thames St. to hit one of the thrift shops real quick.
    I ran into Heather about midway, and she said,"Have you seen Susan yet?"
    "No, I need to go get a shirt for work, so I didn't stop by yet."
    "Oh, honey. This isn't good....what you did yesterday.....she's about, (holds thumb and forefinger about an inch apart) from firing you."
    "Excuse me?.....What I did? And exactly what did I do?"

    It turns out, Susan felt as if I had left her and Jada stranded yesterday. That having that tooth removed was no excuse for calling out. Bullocks! I couldn't take it anymore, I had had enough of this self-serving, self-righteous bitch. I had had personality conflicts with her as soon as I started this job, she flipped out within the first three days of my working there. I had fought the weather this last weekend to get her stinking tent up for that goddamn useless piece of a show. I have bent myself around her schedule, learned her fuckin' sales tricks, and cringed through every braying second of that phoney assed laugh of hers. She's a selfish greedy, degenerate.....who is unfair and uncaring, and frankly, I can't take another one of those people in my life, be it personal or business.

    And that, my dears, is why I broke out into sobs and shrieks of accusations in the middle of Fell's Point, and I don't give a good goddamn who saw me or heard me.

    "Honey, what is going on with you? There's got to be something else."
    "No, no there isn't. For once, there is nothing else clouding my vision. This is all about her and how she can take her pitiful job and SHOVE IT UP HER ASS!"
    "I don't think she realized how serious this was, I don't even..."
    "Does she think so little of me, that I would abandon her in her little hell hole, that I would be that irresponsible.....have I not proven myself? I had to have a fuckin' infection picked from my jaw, I show up here the very next day, bent on meds, trying to hold it all together.....and she wants to fire me? You tell her to keep her fuckin' job, I don't want to work for someone like her anyway. So much for the little guy. She can fuckin' die!"

    I bawled, yelled....tourists were asking me to step aside so they could take pictures of this most picturesque neighborhood, and I all I wanted to do was slam their expensive camera lenses into the brick streets. By the time I had calmed down, all Heather wanted to do was drive me home and tuck me into bed. I told her if Susan wants to salvage something on a personal level, that might be possible,(yeah, right.) but there was no way in hell I was working for the stupid cunt.....sorry, that's what she is.....ANYMORE!

    "I don't think you should drive right now. The medication is affecting your judgement and you're so upset......"
    "To hell with the meds.....Please tell her if she wants to talk to me, she can call ME when I'm sober."

    I had no pride working for this woman, I felt no sense of accomplishment other than building friendships with Heather and Jada, and being able to pay SatyrBoy's and my bills. The reason the bitch couldn't handle the store on a Wednesday night anymore? Because I had doubled her sales in six weeks. I have the book work to prove it. Keep it afloat now, you greedy whore.

    Heather took a look at the gaping socket in my mouth, hugged me really hard, and said she would explain everything to the numbskull. I, on the other hand, plan to come down a bit from these pills and finish my resume. I am tired of no-brain work. I am tired of being this workhorse that grinds herself into the ground for pennies, no insurance and other people's attitudes. just when I almost cared about her.....Burn!

    Having that said, Thank you Bear, for everything. And Lilly? Thank you for your card. Satyr brought it to work and we all laughed our asses off at it. I couldn't look at the muffins in the case for hours without giggling!

    Ugh! The nerve of some people......P.S., Frankie, the curse is still alive and kickin'. One job down, one to go.

    Keri graduated today.

    I'm starting to feel something. Some emotion. I thought there was little that could move me anymore, but being in her arms really did move me. Kissing her wasn't just passionate, but it felt like it meant something. I'm not sure if this is something I want at this point, because I find it harder and harder to do what is right instead of what works... I've become a pragmatist at the expense of my emotions.

    She seems to care. She seems to be happy with me. :) Hopefully I can make her life a better place.

    I said I'd never want a girlfriend, that I'd be a confirmed bachelor, mostly because I fear the rejection of persuit and the dangers of the breakup... But I've grown lonely. And she's come back from far in my past, this time not a distant dream but a full reality. I can't let this not happen.

    I'm glad I got drunk last week and told her how I felt. Evidentally the words I used meant something.


    Emily left for Paris yesterday.

    I wanted to spend some time with her that last day. But she didn't call... I didn't call. I should've. She's gone now... I'll miss her, even though she never has a need to spend time around me anymore. I still have strong feelings of friendship toward her, even though the deeper feelings have long since departed. For awhile though I've had the feeling that she doesn't care at all - and probably never did. Jilted.

    Hope things go well for her out there. They will...


    Chitlin Soulfood chugs along through level 46.

    My EverQuest character, Chitlin Soulfood, has been getting quite a bit of attention as of late. Been havin' alotta fun - even getting into the message boards of my guild and the server's boards. Maybe I'll go on a plane raid or two soon. :) Imagine that, Chitlin on a Hate raid...


    And so my tradition of voluntary sparse daylogging continues. I'm going to try and add more informational nodes, but the time isn't there. Who knows what the future holds though...

    Riding home from school on the bus, I looked at my friend Sohpia and said, "Isn't the school supposed to blow up today?"

    "Yeah," she said and blinked, and looked back at me.

    I asked, "What?"

    "I forgot my library book in my locker."

    "I don't think you'll be fined if it blows up."

    "Yeah, I know, but...if I don't have a book to read, what am I going to do with no school?"

    "Well, I dunno...what is there to do? Other than nothing...um...well, we could always sell tickets to watch it explode from the really high hill behind the school..."

    "Mmm...I love the smell of profit in the afternoon."

    ...And I thought this was something out of a Kevin Smith movie (because of the use of diners in Chasing Amy)...

    I went to the Campus Sugar Bowl, a diner right outside of Brooklyn College. I hauled myself in to the counter, but I saw too many people I know to just sit by the counter. There's the girl from art class, Rebeka. One of the guys from the Macintosh lab in the Art department was talking to John J., the guy from the Television & Radio department video lab. And Hal, the chair of the TV&R was talking to my favorite professor - Susan Murray.

    I ordered a Caesar Salad with grilled chicken, a cup of soup, and a chocolate milkshake. Too bad the diner doesn't serve Matzoh ball soup... I always call this place the sister city to Café Edison.

    The moment the waitress came back with the salad, I went in to introduce myself to Hal. And I said hello to Susan as always because I like her. Okay, I admire Susan because she's my first TV&R professor who's smart and good-looking. Besides, I had this plan to buy something from one of the jewelry stores of NYC to suprise her. Yeah... pearl earrings... Reminds me of The Pearl from my Medieval English Verse book as I am writing this...

    While I was on the way to devouring my salad, Hal and Susan was finished with lunch and they were leaving. Susan went up to me and said this:

    "Kit, I don't want to tell you this in front of Hal (because he already knew about this), but I'm leaving this Fall. I have a new job in NYU. I'll still be here for the Summer, but that's it."

    Yup, I think I have to buy the earrings before my vacation...

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