It's 3:30 in the morning, I'm lying next to Kate, and my heart's pumping heroin
through my veins. It wasn't my fault, it wasn't intentional, none of this was. Life has a way of just happening.
The waves rolled in and out.
We're at Venice Beach
, I'm done with class for the semester and I'm home for summer, at least, until I leave to go on my trip. We're floored, the pills felt like heroin and extasy and who knows what else. I didn't intend to see her, not after last time. She told me then that she'd quit drinking
and quit doing drugs
, told me she quit hanging out with those friends. I told her I'd quit doing drugs too, but I'd still have a drink every now and then. This girl could incite far too much chaos in my life. I drove home that night, resolute.
I realized seeing her was a bad idea, so I wasn't going to. I didn't call her, I lost her number. She ended up in my car anyway, she came along with a mutual friend, and we went to this party. We split a handful of pills
. We're both such liars.
I fell asleep as soon as I closed my eyes for the first time in three months, her body next to mine worked better than any drug, space-technology mattress
, or white noise track of crickets or oceans or any of that shit. I wished so badly it hadn't.
She asked me what it was I wanted, I told her that I wanted to stop regretting leaving two years ago. She told me that I needed to, so many good things had happened in my life because of it. Maybe I did need to leave, but that didn't change anything. My mind was spinning from the drugs, from the pills, from the drinks, from everything. I took her home. I'm leaving California
now, again. I'd planned on stopping by here Friday night, and leaving Saturday morning before anybody knew I was even here. This town has a way of sucking you in and never letting you go. Saturday turned into Sunday, Sunday turned into Monday, and Monday turned into Tuesday. Tuesday's already threatining to turn into Wednesday, so I packed my bags. Interstate 10
is calling my name, and I think it's best that I leave again, no good will come of me being here.
Just once, I'd like to fall in love without chemical assistance. I don't know if I can though, and her touch feels so sweet and so soft when we're both so fucked up...