It has been nearly two months since I last reported to you on my affairs and it has been an arduous two month cycle. During these two months I was arrested, slapped around, questioned at length and finally released. This all came about as a result of events surrounding my rightful capture of former friend Dale's wife in my valiant effort to bring her around to accepting that she is my rightful girlfriend.

The original charges on which I was arrested involved kidnapping and something ridiculous about transporting a person across state lines without "the benefit of their consent" or some other such liberal nonsense probably pencilled into the constitution by communist puppet Joe Biden and his erstwhile cronies. The simple fact is that if you have someone tied up and shoved forcefully into your trunk you can pretty much take them anywhere you damned well please. This just tallies up another reason for me to despise Democrats.

Well, I was taken to the police station as if I was some kind of criminal, despite having easily verifiable steady income. I was handled roughly, but rightfully so as police brutality is an absolute necessity when it comes to keeping order in a democratic society. Many questions were asked of me, which I refused to answer until a non-communist lawyer could be found to represent me. Most lawyers are on the thick payroll of communist insurgent Joe Biden so specifying non-communist lawyers is very important when those of us who are correct in our beliefs need legal representation to defend ourselves against trumped up charges. As I waited for my lawyer to arrive (I did have one on retainer for a while but he stopped servicing me on account of something I did with his sister that he misunderstood completely), the police officer tried working the old good cop/bad cop routine on me, plying me with coffee, bagels and breath mints while we waited. When I did not accept a bagel after being offered one three times, the police office opened my file, leafed through it and asked if my refusal of the bagel was in any way related to my being a German national. I told him I was an American, a patriot, and a donut eating type person, however I was not opposed to eating bagels if two or three hearty slices of pickled herring were involved, turning the bagel into a pickled herring sandwich. The police officer stated this would not be made available to me.

Still trying to ply me for information with kindness, the police officer, whose name was Jeffrey, walked me down to the vending machines and gave me seventy-five cents. He told me to pick any snack I liked from the machine. When I told him I was interested in the tuna fish sandwich that appeared to have been in this completely unrefrigerated vending machine for a very serious length of time and cost $2.25, he took his three quarters back and we began walking back to his office.

And then the fireworks began. Three burly police officers were bringing two men into the station house and giving them a good deal of well-deserved brutality. The two men in question were my former friends Dale and Bruce, who you may remember from my past reports. From all I knew, these two were not at all acquainted with each other aside from Bruce being involved in the rightful taking of Dale's wife to be Behr's girlfriend incident and the ankle-breaking injury Dale rightfully suffered for resisting our taking of his wife. The police officer, when we got back to his office, told me a different tale. He told your friend Behr they had caught Bruce at a gas station, where he was having anal intercourse with a 19 year old gas pump attendant, on charges related to the kidnapping of Dale's wife. Bruce then confessed that he had been paid by Dale to kidnap his wife, force her into a white slavery ring and then allow her to be murdered by foreigners so Dale could collect $15,000 on a life insurance policy. Now, because Dale was collecting so little on this policy, everyone in the legal system was appalled and wanted to throw a book at Dale.

I was so delighted to hear this that I clasped me hands together and giggled. At one point I was giggling so much there were tears in my eyes. Then the police officer told me that part of the deal Bruce had arranged with prosecutors was that once they were tried and sent to prison that he and Dale would get to share a cell. With Bruce's seemingly insatiable desire for man sex this seemed to me to be God's way of punishing Dale for trying to hold onto his wife when she was rightfully Behr's girlfriend.

Now that I am completely off the hook, provided I agree to testify as a character witness at Dale's trial (And I plan to tell some pretty incredible fabrications once I get up on that witness stand), I am going back to my job in the Greater Baltimore School System as a part-time unqualified remedial science teacher and a slightly less unqualified part time gym teacher. Thankfully, this will give me an opportunity to resume my most profitable money making operation to date, which is convincing teenagers I am trustworthy so they tell me intimate secrets which I can then force them to pay me large sums of money in order not to report to people they would rather not have know these things.

Sometimes there is trouble but we all pull through. And no, I do not know where Dale's wife is now. I'm no longer interested to tell you the truth because she's been tainted now by the whoreish behavior she's been involved with. I'm really thinking about making a move on the lady who works at the customer service window at the supermarket. I've already figured out which car she drives and tricked a locksmith into making me a set of keys for it as well as for her house.

RESURRECTION: /me doesn't miss /me -- no more!

Thank you, dear co-noders! With your help my curious infotechnological problem has been solved, in several ways actually.

The successful (and quite clever) 'Endlösung' for my Internet Explorer came from TenMinJoe:

Hi Mr Carlo - try this:

Tools -> Internet Options -> Security
Click on 'Restricted sites'
Click 'Sites...'
Add 'everything2.com'.
Click OK a few times.

This should put everything2 into the "automatically don't use javascript for these sites" zone in IE, and so you still won't have javascript on E2 (and so it will load, we hope), but you won't have to manually disable/enable it each time.

Dimview, ascorbic, Pseudo Intellectual, paraclete and mauler all recommend switching to Firefox, at least using Firefox as a parallel browser, specifically for E2. mauler also points out that Internet Explorer 7.0 is full of bugs and that he himself had to roll back to 6.0 in order to escape constant crashing.

I've taken all this gratefully and carefully into consideration (beginning with the TenMinJoe fix for IE). I've downloaded Firefox and it actually looks quite nice - and of course it works with E2. In addition I've finally been able to see in real life what some Firefox people have been bickering about, regarding the effect of certain formatting tags that I've been using (or overusing). Some stuff really looks different in Firefox!

Faithfully Yours,

montecarlo

It's 3:30 in the morning, I'm lying next to Kate, and my heart's pumping heroin through my veins. It wasn't my fault, it wasn't intentional, none of this was. Life has a way of just happening.

The waves rolled in and out.

We're at Venice Beach, I'm done with class for the semester and I'm home for summer, at least, until I leave to go on my trip. We're floored, the pills felt like heroin and extasy and who knows what else. I didn't intend to see her, not after last time. She told me then that she'd quit drinking and quit doing drugs, told me she quit hanging out with those friends. I told her I'd quit doing drugs too, but I'd still have a drink every now and then. This girl could incite far too much chaos in my life. I drove home that night, resolute.

I realized seeing her was a bad idea, so I wasn't going to. I didn't call her, I lost her number. She ended up in my car anyway, she came along with a mutual friend, and we went to this party. We split a handful of pills. We're both such liars.

I fell asleep as soon as I closed my eyes for the first time in three months, her body next to mine worked better than any drug, space-technology mattress, or white noise track of crickets or oceans or any of that shit. I wished so badly it hadn't.

She asked me what it was I wanted, I told her that I wanted to stop regretting leaving two years ago. She told me that I needed to, so many good things had happened in my life because of it. Maybe I did need to leave, but that didn't change anything. My mind was spinning from the drugs, from the pills, from the drinks, from everything. I took her home. I'm leaving California now, again. I'd planned on stopping by here Friday night, and leaving Saturday morning before anybody knew I was even here. This town has a way of sucking you in and never letting you go. Saturday turned into Sunday, Sunday turned into Monday, and Monday turned into Tuesday. Tuesday's already threatining to turn into Wednesday, so I packed my bags. Interstate 10 is calling my name, and I think it's best that I leave again, no good will come of me being here.

Just once, I'd like to fall in love without chemical assistance. I don't know if I can though, and her touch feels so sweet and so soft when we're both so fucked up...

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