hi i am going to vent a little! sorry.
If you hang out in the catbox at all you might have noticed I am a person who is easily entertained and excited by small things. So it is a good life! I am content with the simple and the small. But I don't know how much of this is genuine and how much is an adopted behavior of mine.
I am happy in the most general lines, and I will say so every day. Every day I find things I am happy about, every day I realize how lucky I am, every day I find things I like. Music or food or pretty puddles or pretty trees. And yet, I know it's my brain that does this. Whenever I'm feeling troubled, I automatically zoom in to these things, to these small things, I wrap my brain around it and it is comfortable. I make my brain busy with people and small trouble, small happy things, small pretty places, small pretty brain.
But I don't know for how much more time I can do this, for how much longer I can silence the part that wants more, that wants to explore other things, that wants to get complicated and uneasy. I'm surrounded by people all day long, and I can't do it around them because they would simply not understand what is going on in this head, and I would have to get real quiet and alone and I can't live like that. But I feel like if I keep my scope as small as it currently is it is going to stay that way and my brain is going to choke and it is already choking and my world is small small small and i don't know if the streets that confine my every day are where the world ends and if these teachers and notes and classmates are as far as i am going to get
and that makes me sad.
today! it was rainy and cool and i listened to Boards of Canada and Autechre and Beirut and laughed with a friend about having had to run under the rain last night at 3 am when we went out and about the youtube video of the silly turkish song we danced to which i found today
i had toast and fresh orange juice!