I think it's safe to tell her how I feel. I know she will interpret my words differently.

So I tell her, "I've become very fond of you." She tells me she has become very fond of me.

She is my best friend. Nothing more. I made sure of that.

Part of me hopes she would realize that is not what I mean.

I say, "It is too bad you are leaving."

She seems like she had forgotten. Finally she says, "It makes me glad that you don't feel the same way about me. If you did, things would be a whole lot more difficult."

So I decide not to tell her.

She notices that I am somewhat distressed and asks if I am offended.

"No. It just... stinks."

"Yeah, it does. What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"You seem off or something."

I say that I am. Maybe I will tell her.

But I tell her that I had just been thinking about "things."

-

It's almost time for her to go. She pulls a piece of paper out of her pocket and tells me that it's there for me. We say our goodbyes. I read the paper. It's e.e. cummings.

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we'll leave it far and far away--
(Only you and I, understand!)

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart--
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

The Quake 3 bot I've been waiting for arrived on a CD this morning. It was sent first class, so either the postal system took too long to deliver it or the lab in Cambridge posted it on Saturday. Neither would surprise me.

I was actually hoping they would post it on Friday and it would get here on Saturday. That would have given me a chance to play around with it over the weekend. Oh well. I was in a rush this morning but I left the CD by my front door so I won't forget it when I go home tonight. Not that I'm likely to forget about it. I've never been so excited about a Quake bot before. In fact I haven't been so excited about anything for a long time.

I was so tempted to bring it, and Quake, into work, "just for the lunch hour". I'm sure I could get away with installing it here. Jeff must need a break from counterstrike in the afternoons by now surely! It's not like anyone else does any work here. I've enjoyed being busy though. I also worry that if I start slacking it would become a habit, like Jeff and his 7 months of solid slacking. I also considered just bringing in the bot CD to show Jeff. I know he's got Quake III (among many many other things) on his hard disk. I'm sure he'd be interested in this bot. It's a bit of proof of concept technology from a British research company who specialise in AI. Using Quake III as an engine for an intelligent agent demo is such a cool idea and I'm immensely excited about being chosen to take part in the beta. I decided I didn't feel like sharing this with Jeff. From the tone of the email I got last week, and the fact that they chose to send out the bot demo as a CD rather than a download, I think this company would rather I didn't start distributing it.

There was something a little odd though. Inside the envelope with the CD was a slip of paper that seemed completely out of place. It said "ka|n, Here's the ISO you asked for, hope it's all as you wanted it. Thanks - jenSis" I haven't got a clue who those people are, I'm assuming it was some sort of mistake.

Anyway, I'll update you on how the bot plays when I get chance to try it.

I wonder how good it is.

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I attempted a coping device a school counselor told me to do. It's talking to myself. She said if I had nobody else to talk to, it's all right to talk to myself so I wouldn't have so many resolved issues in my life:

Hi again! Heya.. You're not okay, are you? Kinda. Sorta. No. I'm just tired and pissy and sick of people pushing me around because I'm shy and can't stand up for myself. Is there anything I can do for you? Banish a significant portion of the population? Chisel out my frozen and useless heart? Whichever sounds easier. I'm all right. I'm just a bit frustrated about life in general and how pointless I am because everyone thinks they can walk all over me. And they're right, so that makes it even worse. If you wanna do something, just keep talking to me. That alone helps a lot. I've tried to do the second, but I don't think I'm doing any good. You really must hate me for it. No, I'm just sorry I'm not a very good subject to work on. You really deserve someone a lot less screwed up than me. I'm weak to have let myself get so scarred by such a trivial thing, to let it destroy what faith I had in love. But now I'm so afraid of the whole thing. Love has the same allure that suicide has. Both offer such wonderful solace from this cold world, but I don't know if there's anything behind either. So both frighten me horribly, though they captivate me so. I'm really sorry about everything..

Don't be. I'm sorry for all I've put you through. I'm sorry for always being so confused about everything. I'm sorry for not being a stronger/better person overall. Sometimes what you wish for just teases your heart, shimmering just out of your reach. Your dreams lay ahead of you, taunting you with what can never be. THese things drive me insane because I feel so utterly helpless to do anything about them. And I hate that feeling so much. Yeah, but I don't matter And I need to re-evaluate that That was my New Year's Resolution: to stop being so selfish about everything. I need to let you be and do and feel whatever it is your heart desires,a nd support ou in everything. I didn't even make up a New Year's Resolution. I thought about it for roughly four seconds in a store and then dismissed it. You really don't have to worry about all that. I mean, it's always nice to know that someone cares, even if I am always melodramatic about everything. I just feel so bad about hurting you with all of this. I really worry about that a lot. What you need is someone who's a hell of a lot happier than I am and who will take away all of your worries. I mean, sure I'd have to get jealous for someone else taking your attention, but it'd be a lot better for you in the long run. But I don't care what's good for me. I want -you-. But I'm not worth it. Especially if you keep getting hurt over it.

I really hate when I can't put my fingers on something and make absolute sense of it. Which is actually at the root of a lot of my problems, including my shaky faith in God. What is "worth it"? And what is "it", anyway? I'd try to help you make sense of the world, but it, well, doen't make sense. I'm sorry. I'm not worth the time and the effort you spend. I really wish it did make sense. Or that I could just leave it be and have some faith in something for once. I wish that I could just believe that things would turn out all right. What would your ideal person be like, anyway? I know I've asked before, but I just lost what i was writing in my diary when the comp froze. And even if you do like me, I know I wouldn't be your ideal because there have to be plenty of things that could be a whole lot better. I once had an assignment for a class where I was supposed to rite something about an ideal mate. I skipped school the next day because I didn't want to do it. Upon my return, the teacher forced me to read what I hadn't written to the class, so I just read a passage from the Bible about the ideal wife; he then asked if that was MY ideal and I said that it was THE ideal, not mine. I don't think he understood. It doesn't matter what "could" be better. I don't think in terms of that for people.

I don't know people, I don't know emotions. All I know is that I already like you, and I like you stronger and deeper than I've ever liked anyone (or seen anyone like anyone; I'm not one of thoe blessed with seeing True Love in their parents or whatever). If "someone better" comes along, I don't think I'd like them. That person might be good on paper, but I just wouldn't choose them if I had the opportunity. I know it doesn't make sense, and I know it sounds sappy or whatever, but that's what I wrote when I started writing, so that's what I'm going to send to you. If you don't like it, ask me again at some other time and I'll probably write soemthing else. This is what's true for now. I feel like crying now after hearing all that. You know, I really am sorry about everything. I really don't deserve a friend like you. Thank you so much for being there for me through all of this. I know I can be difficult to handle at times. And I'm sorry that I can't think clearly enough to say anything better than this. It's okay. I'm just sorry I have to make everything confusing for you. You can stop worrying about it, if you want; we can just be Good Friends. I'm really sorry that you can't sleep. I could if I wanted to. I just don't feel like it right now. Jason's coming back tomorrow and I want to write some more of my pet story or my original story that I still want to get your opinion on. Do you think my recent increase in stories with transgendered themes is because I'm projecting things?

There is value in short write-ups!

It's days like today when it seems that every write-up I click on is too long!

E2 used to be a great place to pop into to read some really interesting information about something completely new - or, better still, to write something and share my own interests with others. Yes, of course there's crap on here too, but at the very least it's good to see a cross-section of material to remind us of the vastness of the community that we inhabit when online. I believe that everyone has a right to a voice - not everyone can be clever, or witty, but so long as a person 'tries' then that attempt should not be maligned.

It's pretty easy to spot when someone isn't trying to do a good job with their writing, and they are rightly chastised by the powers that be. If someone posts a GTKY wu in the wrong place then it is only fair that they should be asked to move it. However I see nothing intrinsically wrong with getting to know someone. If we, personally, don't find it interesting then we can stop reading it, but who's to say whether it's going to be interesting in the future?

Anyway, that was an aside. My reason for asking if the bar has been raised too high is that I can no longer spend a short time reading and digesting, upvoting or commenting. Just recently it seems that write-ups have become really long. I just don't have the time to read them, and I certainly don't have time to write them. I like to read good factual nodes, but many of them are now so complex it has become almost impossible. What I like to see is a taster, a comprehensive overview, written for the layman, so that if I'm interested I can go and find out more.

I also enjoy reading creative wus, but here again, they seem to be getting longer and longer. When I choose what I'm going to read, I first go by author, or interesting title, but then I have to check the length of the wu and think, 'Do I really have the time to read and enjoy this writing?' Sadly, the answer is often 'No'.

Writing reams and reams on a subject can sometimes be laudable, yes, and I appreciate the time, effort and research that goes into such a piece. But on the other hand, writing concisely is equally difficult, and requires a certain amount of skill and expertise in order to sort the wheat from the chaff. This should be encouraged.


Infinite Burn says: Brevity is the God of writers, if something can be said in a thousand words, it can be said better in 100. I'm not saying short w/u's are better... but small things that are still contentful are.
Thanks to dutchess for pointing me to when Chopin finished a piece he stopped writing it, and to many others for their positive comments.

I tried to do a back-flip today on our fairly new trampoline, but ended up landing partly on my knees and partly right on my face.

The lesson I learned today: If you want to do a back-flip, have someone secure you (hold your hand while you flip so you don’t hurt yourself if you lose control) a few times first, until you know you can spin well enough. If you don’t, you might end up getting an ugly red scar right on your nose. I did.

I only hope it will go away in a couple of days, I don’t wan to look like a seasoned boxer for the rest of my days…

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