Sometimes, I'll walk alone in the dark of the house. All the lights off, everyone asleep, and I'll just wander up and down the hall, through the kitchen, trying not to touch anything, nothing at all.

I can't see, and I can pretend that I'm in the middle of a large living room, that there's nothing but empty space near me, and if I jump and stretch I still won't be able to touch the ceilings.

But when I spin around in the dark, and brush against a wall, I follow it back to the bedroom, where I end up sitting in front of the computer again, smoking a cigarette.

And I don't understand why that makes me so sad.
Last night, the Denden was HELL. I hardly even want to talk about it. Everything was going fine, I was in a great mood, and suddenly I got stuck with 4 tables at once, and I completely screwed everything up. Everything came out late; Roy the cook, got every other order wrong, and I was ready to collapse. On top of that, some girl that gave me her phone number and I never called it showed up and I had to avoid her. That was a weird story. She never gave me the number herself, her friend gave it to me. "umm I have a girlfriend(lie)." A week later he came in only to tell me I HAD to call her. "No." Sick of this shit. The fact that I have no social skills and can't find a date on my own is suckier when I'm viewed upon as an object of cuteness. I'd be interested in anyone who gave me their phone number without telling me I'm a "cutie." Yes, if you make it plainly obvious you want to use me, I'm turned off. Sometimes this does not make sense to even myself, but I cannot stand the patronizing tone of flippantly using "hon" or "cutie" to describe me when you don't know me.

I'm definitely taking that too seriously though

Ok, so I do have a crush on a Denny's regular now, though. She's come in probably about 4 times since I've been there, and that entitles her to "regular" status. The thing is she's definitely NOT like the other girls. She comes in always alone, and orders a "caffienated tea, with maple syrup." That's all she gets, and she just MEDITATES, alone in a Denny's booth. It's wild. I think I realized she was awesome a few weeks ago the time before the last time she came in. But anyway, when she brought me the cash at the register, she asked me "How are you doing?" and my brain just went swimming and there was this eternal silence. She has this very serious 1000-yard stare all of the time, and she gave it to me, and I could not fathom how I was doing at that moment, I was thinking of something to say, and I said something entirely contrary to the question.
Basically though, I've never met anyone that seemed so grounded, solemn, and so at peace with isolation, that she sort of gives me a double take. It makes everything she says sound like it's the word of God. She smiled at me. That was cool. It seems a bit odd that I find lack of social life attractive.

I was incredibly moody (mostly depressed) last week. A lot of it hit when I found out about Jim's suicide; plus I didn't sleep much, and was pissed of at people. I cleaned up my backlog of laundry and decided to stop drinking coffee. I'm felling better. I got a raise at work.(work-work, not Denny's)

Darcy called me this morning and I was surprised. She was friendly, and since I'm dependent on other people's moods, I was too. She talked about her coming home this weekend, and I was like ok, great we can all hang out, I guess. I was really pissed at her for not writing and stuff, because I do think it sucks to just cut off communication with someone regardless of the whole break up bullshit. I dunno, so we got along, and I got half-nostalgic, which I don't really want to deal with. CRAP. I really don't want to deal with seeing her if it's going to be like it was when we broke up. I just want to do something corny like watch a movie, and be like, wow, we managed to not fight for 2 hours. I don't want anything overly dramatic to happen either way. I want to see her, thouh. Fucking sucks. Grr.

Yesterday was Beltane, which is a pretty big holiday in my little world. In parts of the old world, there were only thought to be two real seasons: Winter and summer. Beltane was a turning point (Samhain being the other one). So, yesterday, it turned into summer.

While doing my ritual to welcome summer and all things of the season, I had a rush of happiness that it was summer, then couldn't figure out why. Sure, it's supposed to be the beginning of when everything you've worked for starts blooming, but at that moment I was struck by how little summer actually means to me, except symbolically.

I mean, I live in Florida, where it is essentially summer most of the time. I grew up in North Carolina, where there were seasons. And I'm a college graduate, which means summer doesn't have any special significance as far as workload. Summer used to be such a huge deal; a resting point between markers in an academic career, and two and a half months of fun in the sun, sandals and sprinklers and day trips.

And now there's nothing special about it. Now the season has changed its name but not its clothes or mannerisms.


Today, while sitting on the phone talking to Kelly, it began to rain extremely heavily. Within a minute came thunder and lightning, not terribly loud or prolific, but an electrical storm nonetheless. Then, hail. Big-ass hail, at least an inch in diameter. People were screaming and dashing about, trying to escape the heaven-sent madness. Boom boom boom, the hail bounced off of the roof, the ground, my window.

Then came the tornado sirens.

I'm from Portland, Oregon, but now I'm spending my first year of college in St. Paul, Minnesota. In Oregon a "tornado" is a puny little thing that tears down a small section of a wooden fence. In Oregon, our puny little tornados is big news. I have heard one tornado warning in Oregon. The skies were scary, with funny-shaped pitch black clouds about. I didn't see any tornados.

I went down into the basement, where we are supposed to go if a tornado warning is issued. I went to a small window (stupid, I know) and looked out. The storm seemed to be tapering off. I went back upstairs and watched it for a bit, keeping a good distance from the windows. The TV news seemed to indicate the danger was decreasing. I learned a great new word: "tornadic". The rain stopped, and I deemed it safe, so I headed over to...


The Geography Department hosted a dinner this evening. I went over, somewhat early, just after 6. A sticker with a geographic location was stuck on everyone's back, as part of a game. Much like the one with celebrities on foreheads, each person can ask yes/no questions about their locations, until they guess it at last. My cartography professor had the Caspian Sea, which took her some 2 minutes. Mine was much harder. Within about seven minutes I narrowed it down to a city beginning with the letter "r" in European Russia. I pondered briefly, and determined that it would be in my best interest to wait for brilliance to dawn.

Soon I was in line to serve myself the glorious catered food. From the heavens to my mind fell inspiration. I paused, then turned to my cartography prof and asked, "Carol, do I end in a 'v'?" "Yes," was the response. Another pause. "Am I Rostov?" Carol, cheerfully, "Yes!" Where it came from, I don't know. I thought I was doomed to an evening with a card on my back, people's eyes growing big at the difficulty of it. But no! The answer came; I was filled with joy.



Last night I realized I had 11 writeps. Then I noticed the wu count was supposed to be in decimal and not in binary. =)

Uh... I woke up at around 9 today, which was good, but I fell asleep because I wanted to. Some improvement.

I had some weird discussions in #gimp about my "religion". Maybe I should node that. =)

Time to face the challenges of the day...


Finished Usenet stuff. Stu7 was asking about colortoalpha plugin in too (the log snippet was about the same question in IRC.)


Wow! There's an Abuse community site at -- and I learned of SDL version of Abuse. Also Available As A Debian Package.

This thing really rocks - Abuse is a GREAT game. "The only side-scrolling platformer game that can be mentioned in the same sentence with Doom"... The only problem I've seen with it was that X version refused to run on anything better than 8bpp mode (and even then it was only in a tiny widdle window). SDL version runs in full screen mode (It's still a 320x200 area in 640x480 screen though...)

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: The Bump Map Cult #gimp Abuse

Updated: PostgreSQL

It seems that I can't have a day of complete utter serenity. That's sometimes a good thing, which means that at least I didn't have a boring day. Just physically tired that's all, just too many things to do, not much time to do them all.

As expected, I didn't get much sleep. Just a quick 2 hour nap, then off to work. Didn't have to go to work but since they asked me nicely, why not? It's good money, not like it's drug money or something. Tired and drowsy, I made it into work and got through without a hitch. I didn't have a ride when I was done and didn't want to fork over 12 bucks for a cab, so waited for a courtesy bus. Luckily, I live by Richmond Center so I got dropped off there.

As I was walking home, I saw my old high school classmates Sam and Ronnie. While I knew Sam better, Ronnie was the one I was paying more attention to. I always thought she was so damn cute but she was taken so before I started drooling, I gave my regards and started back on my way back home.

I got a call on my cell. Ring. "Hello...". "Hey man! What's up!..". It was Paul. Whew. He was supposed to hang out with Anson and hyacinth gurl in the afternoon but didn't so he called me and asked if I wanted to do something. I napped instead before I collapsed from exhaustion. I simply laid out on the couch, with my pillow and my comforter, and I drifted off to sleep. No fuss no mess. Just pure rest and relaxation.

About an hour and a half later, apparently I woke up, and started calling out to my sister. She came and I apparently asked her to bring me a pad of paper and a pen. Then she said, I got up, wrote down Beautiful on it, telling her that it was the answer and I went back to sleep. Weirdness. I got up around 7:30 and quickly devoured my supper with my family.

I called MrFurious regarding a movie tonight but he declined. Instead, I went earlier than he did to the gym so that I can have an easier workout tomorrow. My body is starting to get addicted to the endorphins that it releases when I'm working out. Other than that, it becomes a forum in which my frustrations are taken out onto anyways. I work out then I meet up with Paul and hyacinth gurl.

I actually came to Paul's house first. We chatted for a while and with his Korean cousins and all, he had some Fin.K.L. and S.E.S. VHS tapes that he lent me. That was a high point of the day, knowing that if I was bored tomorrow, I would have at least something to watch on tv. Afterwards, I picked up Hyacinth Gurl and off we were to Famous Players Silvercity cinemas.

Normally the movie would be about 14 bucks but since it was cheap Tuesday, it was (hold your breath...) an incredible $7.50! That didn't even include the damn popcorn and pop! They charged me a half dollar to get some artificial butter on my damn popcorn! But since it was supposed to be a relaxing time, I didn't mind and we proceeded onto the cinemas to watch Memento. I don't know whether I mispelled it or the cinemas did but I think one of us did. It was a good movie, but very confusing, and in some places very dragging. Overall, it was a good movie. I even saw a lady friend of mine there but didn't have time to chat much.

We dropped hyacinth gurl home, and me and Paul went off to #9 Restaurant to chat. We chatted over a bowl of congee and wonton noodle soup respectively then off we went again. We didn't find a place to chat so we chatted while I drove. Finally, I had to be home, and again, I'm here.

Home Sweet Home. I'm here, again, but its no longer dark. The day breaks through the window pane, and Fin.K.L First Concert 1999 VHS plays on the TV. I don't know how much longer I'll be awake, but if this and the other Fin.K.L and S.E.S. video keeps showing them in scantily clad outfits and schoolgirl uniforms, I'm never getting to sleep.

Thoughts of you is killing me softly. Your voice is threading through crevasses of my mind, guided by your overwhelming charm and sincerity. May you find your way out quickly so I may try to get out of this maze as well..

If there is anything that should be in a day log, it's what is going on in the world. So for now on, I'll be keeping the top headlines from around the world here. If there are any sources I'm not using that you recommend, please /msg me. And if you are downvoting this because you think it doesn't belong here, /msg me with your reasons.

Without further ado, here is today's top news from around the world:

The BBC's Top Headlines:

The New York Times' Top Headlines

Asia Daily Top Headlines

  • US team in China to inspect spy plane
    As U.S. technicians prepared to inspect a grounded Navy spy plane, an American military spokesman said Wednesday that Washington still hopes to fly home the aircraft damaged in a collision with a Chinese fighter jet.
  • EU talks with North Korea on diplomatic relations
    In North Korea's highest level contact with the West in six months, the delegation of the European Union led by Persson arrived in Pyongyang Wednesday to promote peace on the Korean peninsula.
  • Western India Battles Drought
    — Still recovering from a devastating earthquake, western India is now battling a drought that is hampering the region's economic recovery, officials said Tuesday.
  • Indonesia's Wahid Refuses to Quit
    President Abdurrahman Wahid will not quit despite a looming threat of impeachment, a spokesman said Tuesday, stressing ``resignation is out of the question.''
  • Japan's Health Insurance Shaky
    Japan's government-run health insurance program is on the verge of collapse, with a record $4.9 billion deficit expected this year, officials said Tuesday.
  • China Arrests 25 'Separatists'
    Police in China's restive Muslim northwest have arrested 25 people on charges of buying guns as part of a campaign to create an independent Islamic republic, an official newspaper reported.
I know here at E2, everyone has come to love Suckapant. Granted, I never chat in the chatterbox, and I have more fingers than messages I've received. But think Suckapant....focus. Gone now, like Dr. Octagon's tragic death at the hands of Dr. Doom. Last night while playing basketball, Bam Bam dubbed me "Big Money." While Suckapant will stay my name here at E2, think of me as Big Money. Come to think of it, I have a shitload of nicknames, and of course I'll list them. It's my daylog, if I had a shit I'd taken worth'd hear about it. I've learned over years not to share everything.

Nicknames O Suckapant:

  • the word after "O" directly above
  • T Money
  • Big Money
  • Texhenley
  • T Nummy
  • T2
  • Todd Two
  • Big Toddy
  • Hoto
  • Skippy, I don't know about this one, co-worker application
  • T Bone
  • T Mo
  • Patrol

The only one that doesn't apply is hoto. Look it up, that's exclusively used at BBQ's after we've had a little too much hooch.

I got to see an ex last night. I hadn't seen her in over a year. She looked good, but we played it smart. That silly ex tension stirred us up. We wanted to get down so rather than making a move, I brought it up. That led to an arguement, reason crept back into the room while the porno music died down. Big Money represents, baby!

yoga is very relaxing. too relaxing. I fell asleep for four hours immediately afterwards.

I've lost some weight, kind of by accident. I'm disturbed by how pleased it makes me. Somewhere deep under the feminist-toss-out-yer-scale-I-shall-never-diet mystique I cultivate, on some level I've apparently been watching my waistline just as the girls in grade eight did. Sigh. Ah well, pleased is pleased.

so sleepy. how do you energize yourself? tell me your secret, real or imaginary; I'll give you a cryptic prophecy in exchange. promise.

I bought a book from the "self-help" section of a bookstore yesterday. Another irritating facile stereotype of mine either broken or resignedly fallen in to: "People who read self-help books are flakes!". Why am I so full of ideas like this? I'm not always happy, I'm not always healthy, I read self-help books, I wear skirts, I cry. There. Now I must get over it.

Um... life has changed a bit in my life lately... espicially, I will no longer use the term Notable Notables in my day logs, it's not me. so here we go.

the computer is fried
Well, just the CPU. I run a KT7-RAID mother board and it sends .10v more than it says in the BIOS. Well, put it this way... T-Bird+1.85v+.10v=BAD The CPU isn't dead because of the lethal voltage I fed it, but it has lost some things it can do. It can no longer be overclocked further than 1Ghz, it no longer POSTs past 105Mhz FSB. I've lost frame rates in Counter Strike, and Red Alert 2 is down to 640x480 at 32 bit color to be playable. I'm waiting for the Palimino cored Athlons to come out before I purchace a new CPU. It's got 512 L2 Cache and lower power consumption. Better cooling, basicly.

me and robin are back together
Yea, we are, but it's what I want, so it's ok, now. Long drama F'ed me bad, but I'm ok now.

the quality of my write ups is droping...
But coming back slowly. I figure I'll start with day logs and work up to some nodes like The Space-Time Continuum is NO Toy!. Those were the days, but soon, I'll be back. I'LL BE BACK!

i got fired
This had to do with Robin, not fun. My boss was an ass, and I still have no idea why I'm gone.

It was a beautiful day when I got up this morning. Just the kind of day where you want to stay home and lay on the beach or something, but certainly not go to work. I could've slept for a few more hours, given the chance.

But, alas, it was not to be. I've been sick the past few days, with lymph nodes the size of bricks and tonsils like golf balls, so I couldn't go to school and work on my research project (see yeast genetics for some background info on that, if you care). Since I'm behind already, I couldn't afford to take more time off, so I made the trip down from Queens to good ol' Rutgers University.

Have I mentioned yet that by the time I left the temperature was already 75 degrees and climbing? It was great, until it hit 80-something, with no air conditioning in the car. My arms got a minor case of sunburn. What a way to start the day, huh?

Once I got on campus, I made the short walk from the parking lot to my building, and noticed a sign on the door as I walked in. The sign said something about the water main being broken, so there's no water in the building. Great. So I can't even pee. What else could go wrong?

Oh, wait, I forgot. There's no air conditioning in the building, either! Feh. And I can't go home, so I'm here sweltering and waiting for the right time to start a timed experiment.

At least I've got something to cheer me up. I'm not sure what, but I'll figure it out sooner or later.

Wish me luck...

Last night, I went to the Brick Playhouse in Philadelphia and applied to become a member--as a playwright. Now, I'm sitting on pins&needles, because everything I've ever written--poetry, music, short stories, plays--has been rejected. However, I honestly do think that my stuff is as good as theirs--why shouldn't I get in? But, as usual, I'll sit here with an ulcer, expecting to be rejected and waiting for the time when they do so.

And of course it's finals week; my acting partner won't even call me back so that we can reherse. He's gonna make us fail, and I'm going to have to murder him in a most torturous way. At least it'll releave the tension.

*miss america wave*

bye bye bye e2, scratch me off as another user gone now...err....but still the same one. Hope you guys have fun, there are no grudges.

One more thing to say to everyone here: Have a beautiful life...and make lots of babies.

Here's a handy lesson for everyone:
If you have a big-ass project which is supposed to take a month and a half to complete, don't leave it until the last minute.

My weekend was not fun. Most of it was spent in my room, at the drawing board, churning out sketch after sketch. Not looking too shabby, really. On my wall, I had a big list of things to do, and nothing was ticked off it as being completed until just before midnight on Sunday. The project was due at 10am on Monday.

I worked and worked through the night, and realised shortly before 6am that there was very little chance I'd be able to stay awake all day - the presentation could have been anywhere between 10am and 5pm. So I got an hours' sleep, not that it helped much.

The presentation went bad. Somewhere along the line, I messed up my priorities totally and my presentation sheets looked shoddy, probably the worst in the class. After my turn in front of half the class, I felt like shit. Dropping out of the class seemed like a very viable option. I'd rather not go into it, really.

Not much else of interest went on that day - other than eleven or so hours' sleep.

Summer hits Glasgow. We have four lectures to go to, but have lunch in the park, playing frisbee. It's a shame to have to go back indoors for Mechanics, really. I did make up for it by walking home from town too, and "caught the sun" - ie, my face has gone a lovely shade of pink.

For the first time in ages, I had a night out - Spy Bar then Trash (a trendy bar and a club). Nothing notable other than feeling a little iffy after trying to down a pint of Stella and failing miserably, spending the night trying to avoid my sister and friends who ended up in the same place, and being hit on the head by a bottle which someone nudged off a shelf above me. (it didn't smash, just bounced off and left me wondering what the hell just happened).

With just one lecture to go in for, uni hardly seemed worth it today. But it was another fantastic day, and a pretty fun one too.

After maths, it was back to the park to play with some frisbees again - and Nick's Aerobie. It was going well until it got stuck in a tree, and couldn't be reached by climbing - so he tried hanging on a branch to pull it down, and pulled off the branch. Oops.

Also, with two other frisbees flying around, I didn't notice the one heading straight for my head - it's left a bit of a dent.

It looks like there's a good chance of me getting a radio-related job this summer, too. More word on that later.

Hey. . . Watch my bag. I'm about to die!

That's what I said to one of the guys in the college mess hall when I dropped off my bag on a table before I walked up to a girl and talked to her.

She was wearing a blue halter top, a black mini-skirt, and showing really long legs. I thought a girl like her, talking to one of her friends, would be too busy for a minute with me. But then, I was like... "if I can't lead, I'll have to get out of the way." Well, I went up to her, and introduced myself to her.

Her name is Diana, a freshman and education major. Her friend's name is Nona. Well, the last I heard of the name Nona was in a TES schedule of events, but that's a way different case. Anyways, I told those ladies what I do (working in a computer lab, and traveling around the cabaret scene).

I didn't just only talked to Diana and that's it. I also talked to a few of the folks around us. One of the folks is a film student, and he wanted a cameraman for his next project. While the ladies went out to the ladies' room, he gave me his business card. "With a belt of marijuana for New York" was the tagline for his business card. It's from Allen Ginsberg. He mentioned that he loved Ginsberg's book Howl, and how he could've had a chance to take one of Ginsberg's courses.

The ladies came back, and we talked a bit more. I told Diana that always traveled to the cabarets of NYC, and I want to take her to a show sometime. She said she would be too busy during the weekend, but she told me to see her again in lunch hours during the first few days of the week. In turn I gave her my phone number. She said she doesn't call people often, not even her friends. Okay, I'll see her in person more often. I mean, she has long light brown hair, freckles, and really long legs... I love girls with long legs - reminds me of Ute Lemper.

I walked out of the mess hall, and I saw Diana and her friend talking still. She shouted out "And remember my name, it's Diana!" I told her to remember my name too.

Well, if the girl takes my offer, you'll see what we in the planet Earth call a first date!

Apparently a heat wave is currently gobbling up anything a couple hundred miles west of the east coast. Here in the North Country it jumped to eighty-eight degrees. Nothing but the sun.

Forgive me if my writing is a little sub-par tonight. After waking at six to take care of an observation gig and some paperwork, I decided that it would be a good idea to rest in the sun with some friends instead of taking the afternoon nap I had planned for. I now feel like every movement I make is through heavy liquid. My insides are set to slow burn. I did, however, get some sun and no longer look scary and unhealthy. For a point of reference: I'm often fond of telling people that one could light a cave with my butt.

Tonight I went out for a swim and walk. The peepers were singing tonight; thousands of them all singing into the night air. Air that was still warm from this afternoon, warm enough that you can still feel it. I always liked the sound of the peepers: summer's here.

I can still feel that slow burn. I feel like someone lit a fire and didn’t tell me about it.

As I write this James Brown tells me that he is a bad mutha. There are people screaming outside my window. Louder than they should be; volume for volume's sake. I try not to let it bother me.

So much to do and so little time. All I can think of is sleep. James has got money to burn. Damn I'm tired.

I should be getting used to being integrated by now, shouldn't I? After all, it's been probably - a month, six weeks? Oh, be real, I have no fscking idea how long it's been. It was a gradual process. I remember calling my buddy and half of the girls telling him goodbye, fully ten of them. I wonder where the protectors are? Are they lurking? I can't tell.

I feel so alone all the time now. And feelings flow in and out of me constantly, constantly. They are a constant distraction. I'm not depressed like I was at first though. Missing my people, my little community in my head. But I've never felt so alone in all my life. Well - maybe when I was 11 - 13 when all the really bad shit was going down. I felt really alone then. I don't remember much of it though.

My mother did me a huge favor (she doesn't even know it). She sent me a note telling me who raised me and who I was alone with, obviously she's agonizing over who molested me, even though my sister told her. (I will always regret that.) My therapist wanted to know who raised me, really, in the early years, and now it is clear. It was my mom. My mom who called herself Earth Mother, who tried to love us so so hard and couldn't do it right. She is so sad, so damaged. So now I know - the two people who hurt me the most, really did it to me out of their pain or (in his case) neurosis.

I don't understand myself or my feelings or my motives anymore. But I did find out one useful thing today. I am terrified of letting anyone be in a relationship with me (male). Absolutely terrified. Because a relationship means only one thing to me: being put into a box, and being controlled. And right now I don't like M., and I don't want to be near him. I hate him. The traumatic transference is so obvious, and yet so subtle. And all mixed in with his overweight-ness, and his old-ness.

I don't want to bring him along to meet my friends because I don't want to be seen as old, and as some one with an addict boyfriend. I feel this is so immature. I just feel really sad right now. I have some hope, but not for us, as a couple.

I’m trying to do uni work but I’m thinking about his letter, he is thinking stuff like that our relationship is based on physical stuff and that we don’t talk deeply. I suggested he come over tonight and read the letter to me, but he gave the excuse that it’ll be a hassle for both of us. Hassle for who? For me? If it was I wouldn’t have suggested it. He says he wants to see me but that its not worth the little time we’d have, I would have thought that any time no matter how little is worth it. Unless your just not in the mood, which I’ve felt like sometimes, but only because I have to drive all the way to his house all the time and it gets tiring. He never comes here. I said that he can call and read the letter and that’ll make him speak and I get to hear his beautiful voice, he said that wouldn’t help, that I could call him if I wanted to, he never calls. You would think that reading the letter would strike up a conversation about things, he says I have to make him feel more comfortable with speaking to him, by asking questions. I have a feeling that he wants to say something but can’t unless prompted, but I have no idea what the right questions are to ask to get him started and I’m not really in the mood for talking.

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