i get so bored...
It's happening... Again.
Something must change. Now. Life can not go on like this. Everything seems more and more like it's totally devoid of meaning. In my quest to become something better than I was, I've just become a shallow, emotionless person - a shell of my former, "inferior" self. Always trying to improve myself, for the sake of others. Losing myself at the expense of others. The story of my life...
It feels like an epiphany. Something that's new, that i've never felt before. But the truth is, it's not. I've felt it before, I've been here before. And every time I feel this way, I become more and more jaded. Next time I don't think I'll be able to care.
I've been looking for meaning in all the wrong places. I've been removing every emotion I felt, because they cause pain, and now I've got nothing left. It's not that I've lost the ability to feel for anybody - I've lost the will. It's simply not worth it anymore, because I'm just a . . . I don't know. All it ever leads to is pain, bad things. Focusing on the joy of the moment is no longer an option for me... All I see is the end. I could care, I could make my self care, she would care about me, we could be happy. But I can't lie.
I have no plan for my life. I have no aspiration, no overarching desire to do anything. Just this great big emotional abyss and the rest of my life sinking down into it. I didn't show up for work today. I didn't even call. I don't think I even care. I could've spent time with someone, anyone, anotehr human being. But instead I sat at home and dove head first into a diversion that kept me busy all night.
And I failed the one class I was taking at USF. Because I didn't show up for the final. And I didn't hand in the last big homework assignment, even though I did half of it. And I didn't really care. But now I think I do, even though I'd rather not. Nobody wants to give in to denial when they're trying to deny the fact that they've been dismissed from their univesrity.
Even though I had the money, I payed my credit card late. Under the minimum payment, which was misrepresented on the website. And now I've got twice the cash to pay for next month. Great... Just in time for them to raise the limit another thousand.
I'm slowly destroying everything I've got by my constant apathy. And it's tough to give much of a fuck.
Something must change. I must do something - everything.
But... I know deep down that I won't. And that my life won't change until something massively drastic happens. I'm just biding my time until I get thrown in jail for a delinquent ticket, or my parents kick me out, or each one of my friends detach from me, or I can't pay for my internet connection anymore, or my car decides it's sick of not being washed and not getting a tune up and quits. It's all hanging by a thread, and all I seem to do is keep that thread strong enough to hold it.
This won't last long. I don't want to be around when that thread snaps.