Yesterday I made a list of things I wanted to get done and I'm happy to report that they were all checked off except for one. Everyone has a dead bird story, this is my daughter's. I arrived at home after running my errands. My youngest was sitting on the front porch so I waved at her. She crooked her finger, but I had groceries sitting in the trunk that I needed to get to the freezer so I circled around the car to get them. My husband told me that a baby bird had fallen out of its nest and landed on the cool cement where my daughter was laying dandelions. The featherless bird was opening its beak every so often, later on it occurred to me that it had broken its neck when it fell. My daughter and I were crying together. I got a paper towel from the house to shield the bird from the sun knowing it was a matter of time before it passed. We had been invited to a party for a friend of my oldest, my husband left to drop my oldest off while I stayed home with Jane.
On Friday my husband came home with a new shirt. I didn't really think about it when I saw it although I did pick it up and check the receipt. He told me he was going to go to a movie that had recently opened up and I didn't question that. Saturday morning he took the girls out to breakfast with his dad. I sent him some texts updating him on my progress throughout the day. I found a very comfortable chair that's upholstered in blue velvet, the style is reminiscent of the Mad Men era, I haven't watched the show, but have seen pictures of the set and Roger's office. I know it is a show I would probably enjoy, but there is a deep fundamental part of my being that refuses to watch TV. I hesitated before purchasing the chair. There were several like it nearby, but none of them were as comfortable. As I walked through the store I saw the fourth grade teacher and her husband. They were out for the day walking around like a normal couple. It was so odd to me I couldn't process it so I mumbled something and went on my way.
When I got to the car, my new chair wouldn't fit. I went back in to see if they could hold it for me, and fortunately was told that they would. The woman behind the desk was busy, but very friendly. I saw a notice proclaiming the need for volunteers and thought that I could do that, but then started coming up with reasons why I wouldn't. There's a therapeatic riding stable about half an hour away from town. I've always wanted to take my oldest daughter there and I don't know why I don't just do it. Last night I talked to a friend of mine who has been through a divorce. We talked about what not to do and how you're never really free from that person even after you're through as a couple. I was grateful for my friend who sent me a text to see how I was doing this morning. I was crying over the bird, but I couldn't cry last night. My daughter woke up and told me she had a nightmare that she was the bird and had fallen out of her nest. I think I know how she arrived at that dream.
I was convinved that my husband was out on a date, but didn't know how to handle that information or what I should do with it. This morning I woke up feeling like garbage, but I made myself get up and take a bath which did help. I use lavender, orange, and tea tree oils to help calm myself down when I'm anxious and I love how well it works to take the edge off. From the hall I heard him talking to me. I let myself hide behind the partially open door, seeing myself in the mirror at the end of the hall. He asked what my plans for the day were so I gave him a few things that I wanted to get done. Then I asked what his plans were. He had to go in and do some work for a company that his uncle owns and his cousin works at. Then he was going to do something else, I forget what he said because I wasn't really listening. From the doorway I could see the white of the comforter that I had purchased when I thought we were going to be selling the house that's solely in his name.
He asked if I wanted to snuggle. Inside my head I heard a voice laughing very quietly, sort of a bemused chuckle. I think my voice was reasonably normal and natural when I said; "After you went on a date?" I waited for him to deny it, clutching the scarf I had wound around myself after the bath. When there was no denial, I said; "No thank you." Power is a concept that is easily recognizable and understood in some cases. There is loud power, and a more subtle type. A conversation I had with a friend comes to mind. I am in this for the long haul. Whatever people say about divorce and women having sexual power and the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world is true, but not always evident to these women. They're batttered and bruised. They feel worthless and may feel like life is pointless, their years yawn before them and old age no longer seems like the blessing it is purported to be. I have a core of numb emptiness that produces scant tears. I cry, but do not weep.
There were no bath towels in the bathroom this morning. I dried off with a hand towel and hung it back up. Later on I apologized to my daughter who had to try and dry her hands off on a heavy terry cloth towel. When he took a shower he didn't check to see if he had a dry towel to use. He came out into the dining room where I am typing this and asked if I would be willing to dry his back with the hand towel. I sat in my chair and told him that he could hold the towel in both hands to dry off his back which is what I had to do with the towel when I was finished bathing. It's no big deal to remove water from a recently showered body, but drying another person off can also be a sign of submission, love, and a prelude to sensual experiences. I am no longer submissive. I have the power and I'm not going to be the raging bitch I have in the past. Confidence is everything in life. I read an article that said as much when I woke up and read about the Cubs playing the Pirates. Baseball is a great analogy for life and I love that about it.
A pitcher was struggling, but his manager left him in the game to help him build his confidence. He responded to that and was able to get a good hitter to fly out. That's how confidence is built. By giving people tasks that may be too difficult for them to easily do well. Baseball and sports psychology is really no different than regular psychology. Tom Peters said as much the other day when he said that I want to win the Super Bowl, and he wanted to execute the next play to perfection. Watching sports and observing the behaviors has been a tremendous advantage for me. I can afford to let my opponent win a few battles along the way because I am winning the war. I am not letting my libido control me. I am putting one foot ahead of the other and plodding forward since that is the recipe for success. One must keep knocking down the barriers, find ways around them, take a break from them to regroup, but go back when one is better rested and armed with fresher information and new strategies.
I'm exhausted from a lifetime of not having slept well. I have a feeling deeper sleep and better dreams are in my not so distant future, should God grant me that peace.