Last night I stayed up late. Yesterday I wanted to write something
about places I visit when I'm sad. I wrote about my scarf being a source
of soft white comfort. I picked it up at a second hand store, felt the
fibers slip through my fingers, and I have a problem when I realize that
I have to take it off for some reason. When I'm sad, or upset, I want
someone to pick me up, hold me tightly, and make me feel safe and
secure. Growing up there wasn't that solace, and I crave it more the
older I get. I have family and friends that I call, sometimes I cry when
I'm driving. Usually the tears are gone by the time I arrive at my
destination, there's something about being alone and listening to music
that brings out the sadness.
Twitter can be a place to find caring friends. I don't get the same
feelings from Facebook. I don't
know why the two sites elicit different responses, I view Twitter as
more conversational and interactive, Facebook generally leaves me with a
bad taste in my mouth. I see posts that I would rather not, and the
posts I want to see are lost in the shuffle. I've been told there are
ways to filter, but frankly I'd rather not waste my time on a site that
doesn't appeal to me anyways. The last time I tweeted that I was feeling
low, I was quite overwhelmed by the response. Two people in particular
sent me neat images. One was a painting of a man staring out at a barn,
the other was a beautiful bunch of flowers, not lighthearted happy
flowers, but a very deep intense bouquet.
Last night I tweeted that I have a need to be held. A couple people
responded to that comment, asking if I was okay, or if I needed a hug.
Usually when I say things like that, I can share those feelings because
I'm feeling well at the time. When I'm not in a very good mood, I'm less
likely to divulge things I'm uncomfortable with. Perhaps I've written
about this before, but the Plutchick wheel of emotions has helped me
better identify what I might be feeling at a given time. Journaling
should be a way to express emotions, but a lot of the time I feel as if
I'm unable to give voice to thoughts that I feel would make people think
less of me although I'm getting better at this.
This morning my step-daughter asked if she could have a ride into
work. I probably should have said no, but I didn't. On the way in she
was complaining about the weather which is a bit chilly, but not horrid.
She had promised to take my oldest daughter fishing, now she's backing
out of that for weather related reasons. I haven't spoken to her much
this past week, she's been working a lot, and avoiding me. It's about an
eight minute drive into her work, and on that short ride, I was annoyed
with her negativity. I don't see myself as negative, but possibly I'm
not viewing myself that way when I really am. I don't think of myself as
unhappy. I don't feel safe at home. I feel as if my ideas and
priorities and things I value are disdained, and undermined. I've
written about that in the past, and I don't want to cover that ground
again except to say that it's really immature to go behind the back of
another to get your agenda across.
I want to be a more responsible person. The classes I've taken have
helped, but I want to be more responsible to myself. I need a budget,
that should be for the month. I have some money in savings, I'd like to
continue adding to that, I want to give more generously to church, and I
want to become more self sufficient. The other day someone tweeted that
growing your own food was like planting money. I agree with this, when I
had a garden, it saved me money, and gave me a reason to get outside
more often. I would like to give my children those experiences, of
walking out first thing in the morning, picking raspberries off the
vine, I want fruit trees, a grape arbor, cucumbers, lettuce, I grew
broccoli the last time I had a garden, we have very nice soil, and I
want to start composting again.
I'd like some raised beds, and I want the money we currently spend on
technology to be redirected into some of the things I think are
important. I'm fighting this constant battle with my husband who eats
almost no vegetables, and doesn't see the importance of them either.
It's really a power struggle that has its roots in something other than
food. He feels controlled by authority, and would rather inflict damage
upon himself than knuckle under to anyone suggesting that he might be
able to increase his daily intake. I feel as if he's teaching the girls
that you can eat crap without associating the repercussions of a bad
diet. He thinks that he's fine, and that makes me laugh until I remember
what he has in store for him as he ages.
At soccer, we sometimes see his cousin. The difference between the
two men who aren't that far apart in age is clear in broad daylight. One
of them is lean, tan, has a lot of color left in his hair, and able to
converse freely. Pale skin, shadowed eyes, loss of hair color, the belly
fat some people can't seem to get rid of, these are not signs of good
health. Healthy people look good, they smell good, they're fun to be
around. I purchased some house plants that I've been really enjoying.
They were doing well for a while, now a couple of them are losing
leaves. I had the windows open when it was cooler so I'm wondering if
that affected them. I think I didn't give them enough water so that may
be a factor as well.
I really want a way to work with my husband, but the truth is, I
don't want to sink down to his level. He thinks I'm a food fanatic,
however I would say that he has almost no idea what real food
is. He has self esteem issues, I do too, and it's this back and forth
blame of the other person, but I have changed, and he's still not happy
with what I've become. I just want the freedom to be me without him
mowing over plants I've nurtured, buying junk for the girls, passively
going behind my back, and trying to manipulate me. I hate it when people
with tremendous potential sit there feeling sorry for themselves which
is what I'm doing right now. I should have the right to choose furniture
in my own home. He has ideas that he doesn't know how to execute. He
has time when he doesn't have money, and money when he doesn't have
time.
He starts projects, buys whatever he thinks he needs, and then the
projects sit there, unfinished, languishing, and that just drives me
nuts. To be fair to him, there are many things that I do that annoy him.
I'm obsessive about certain things. I tell him we need things when
maybe they're just things that I want. Self improvement is not an
overnight process, but it's also almost impossible to work with someone
who is constantly berating you, and not supportive of the things you
have difficulty with that you are trying to change. We both know that I
need to lose weight. I enjoy walking, he says that he doesn't like
walking in the same places, and he's such a show off when we go other
places that it makes me feel even more inadequate because my body can't
do the things his can, and it frightens me when he jumps off of things
because that would hurt me if I did it.
In general I don't feel as if he's being very sensitive. He's not
empathetic, but he thinks that people should try and understand his
point of view, and where he's coming from. I have no empathy for other
people when it comes to food. If you don't like what's being served,
then I hope you find the next meal more palatale. I try so hard to make
things pretty, nourishing, fun, and diverse. He's content to roll ham,
turkey, and cheese together and eat that with greasy nacho chips or a
handful of cranberries. He eats out almost every day, and I get so tired
of hearing that there's no food at home just because the things he
likes to eat aren't around.
I'm tired of people putting crap into their bodies. I do it too, and
it makes me feel unwell and irresponsible when I do. I feel better when I
do the things that I don't want to do, but need to be done. I think I
have trouble because my parents forced so much on us at a young age that
I've coddled my children. My step-daughter has not had an easy life,
but doing her chores for her at home is not helping her either. This
roof over our heads is a rebellious collection of five people who all
want their own way, and have no concept of working together as a group
to achieve a higher standard of living. My husband puts me down because
he says I don't have control over the girls.
He fosters the idea that you don't have to listen to mom by allowing
the girls to break my rules when I'm not around. I can't see that as
healthy for them because if you run a stop sign when the police are not
around, that hurts you, not anyone else if another car is coming and it
runs into them, or they run into it. Rules are the rules regardless of
who is watching. I want children of character, that's something I wrote
about earlier, and want to revisit. I really don't care what kind of
grades my children bring home as long as they've earned those grades
fairly. We're constantly bailing our children out, and I want it to
stop. I've taken some steps to reduce this, but it's still a problem in
our home.
Work ought to be finished before play time. This is how the working
world works, and we're robbing our children of life lessons they're
going to have to learn or suffer the consequences. I think we can teach
them how to be more responsible, or at least that their poor decisions
aren't affecting us, they're affecting them. Seventh grade is going to
be very difficult for my oldest. My youngest is lazy, and she's learned
how to avoid work because it either doesn't get done, or someone else
does it for her, neither of which are good healthy ways to handle work
that needs to be done to keep our household running more smoothly.
I'm too frustrated to write about that anymore. Here's a new idea.
I'm working on self care, and I'm going to start investing in myself by
spending money on things that will enhance my life. There are two books
that I'm going to buy. Both of these are books that I've wanted for a
while. I feel as if they are very reasonably priced, and I'm excited for
the day when I own them. I can use more confidence in my life. A woman
in town runs yoga classes with a nutrition element. I would dearly love
to be able to go to these, so I'm saving my money for the day when I can
afford her services. I think my children are used to people just
handing them money, and they're just blowing it instead of spending it
wisely.
A lot of people are enabling my children, they don't want them to
have to learn tough life lessons, and I really don't understand how the
same people who beat the shit out of us when we were kids are now
happily handing my children cookies, candy, and soda while allowing them
to avoid the consequences of their behavior. I hate my mother for
poisoning the minds and bodies of my children, my husband and
step-daughter too. My kids stink because their bodies can't break down
what they're ingesting. My husband says that people stink, and there's
nothing that can be done about the stench. I know this is untrue because
I know people who don't stink, and I've watched my children go from
cleaner bodies to less clean systems as they've gone off their gluten
and dairy free diets.
I can only hope that the things they're learning at home from me, and
the good things that he's teaching them will someday be words they
remember, and concepts that they want to apply. It breaks my heart to
see my oldest pick at her skin again, my husband doesn't put stock in
good footwear, my daughter has a bone that
sticks up on the top of her foot, and I know that could have been
avoided by better footwear, and taking her in to see someone who could
address her individual footwear needs. I hope there's a special place in
hell for those who are deliberately exposing my children to unhealth as
a lifestyle. Every bite of food has a net effect on the body. There is
no neutrality.
When my children have cleaner diets their skin is better, their hair
isn't as dry, they smell better, their eyes are clearer, they have fewer
emotional problems, they sleep better, and they're a joy to be with and
around. When they eat crap everything starts going downhill. My
daughter's thighs used to rub together even though she was thin. We were
able to get rid of that, and now it's back. I blame her diet, and I'm
so frustated that what seems obvious to me is unclear to others because
they don't want to see it. My husband feels that we eat better than
most, it's not a valid comparison though because I can point to families
that are eating much better than we are.
Okay, enough ranting about the problems. I need some solutions. I
want to show my children how much fun it is to garden and plant things. I
can go to the library, check out books, dig some dirt up, and plant
some very simple seeds. When you're enthusiastic about things, that's
contagious. I can praise my children for the healthy choices they are
making, and I can save up money to buy my husband a small fridge for our
room where he can keep foods he wants so my children don't see them in
the main refrigerator. I can let the girls pick out recipes they want to
make in the cookbooks I have. I can take them shopping at the health
food stores, I can introduce them to people who eat the way that I do,
and I can set a good example by taking care of myself, and eating well
in front of them.
I can stop putting what others eat down, although that's very hard
for me when I have to live with people who want the grocery dollars
spent on subpar food items, and I can adopt an attitude of calm strength
because that's what I'm going to need to get through this. I can keep
journaling. I can keep taking pictures of meals I've made, and I can ask
the girls if they want me to help put together a gluten and dairy free
cookbook that other kids can enjoy. We have construction paper, my
children made a cookbook for my inlaws, and I want to get them used to
working in the kitchen so they have those skills when they leave home.
One of the things I like about myself is that I've collected nice
kitchen equipment over the years. I'd like a better set of knives, a
more complete set, I want to replace some of the coffee mugs that are
cracked, but our plates are still in good shape, and I like using plain
white dishes so the food that rests on top is the attraction instead of
the plate beneath it. I like that our family can have a birthday meal
without purchasing paper products. There were many compliments on the
food served at my daughter's birthday, and I like that I didn't feel as
if I had to serve soda or beer as a beverage. I like to entertain, I
find it stressful, but I'm happy when I get to spend time with others,
and I hope my home is an environment where they feel safe and loved.
There's a lot more that I'd like to write, but it's getting late, and
I need to get ready to brave my daughter's soccer game. I'm going to
take a bath, sit in the tub for a while, I want to do a short yoga DVD
before the game, the cold and wet make me hurt more than I already do,
but I don't want to use that as an excuse to sit in the car while she's
out playing. I have a chair to sit in, the game is only an hour, and I'm
looking forward to spending some time with just her since her sister's
game is half an hour away. I want more individual time to just
appreciate my kids as I know the day is coming when they'll be gone more
often, and not interested in hanging out with their mother. Today, I'm
happy that both of my girls are here with me, and I treasure the times
we can spend together.