I am here in New Orleans. An interesting past 48 hours. I know now why I forgave, laughed when I should have cried. I easily saw myself where he was. I don't know anyone else who looks off a balcony, and immediately wonders is it high enough to insure death if one jumps the way I do
. Not only did he look, he knew I was too and confronted me with it. "Not high enough kitten
I did what I did for power. Power over him. Make him sweat for one moment. Make him stress. Make him agonize just a tiny fraction of what I had gone through. Sick.
Ok.. well that wasn't the only reason.. he is my one great romance, that torrid love affair
.. he is the right blend of supernova
, dreamer, cute, goofy, awkward, , pompous jerk, suave, cultured, refined, genius, psychopath, and yet still just a child
.. even though he is eight years older than I. He finds me attractive.. which is always a plus.. and he told me that once he got to know me.. I became the most attractive person.. but it's that silly fucking romantic naive girl he is attracted to
I told him as I walked out the hotel suite, I felt as if we'd never see each other again.. that for once.. it was truly over
. He said I was being dumb, and of course we would again.. someday.
I don't know.. couldn't this be more of us using fantasy as an escape.. As I walked out, I didn't looked back.. I kept walking small, quick steps. Is it easier to just say "someday" instead of never. Is it strength or weakness that will have us wind up together? married??
He needs a challenge.. damn.. I mean.. I get bored so easily.. I need something to work towards.. someplace to focus ambition.. and no one can hide what they are forever..
I could see us together in a few years. He said he saw a change in me, that I was truly growing up.. god.. he meant it as a compliment I guess.. that I didn't loose my girlhood dreams and hope, even though I have taken some hard beatings by life
He was so drunk when I talked to him, and started this wretched web of events. Why was he apoligizing for what happened in New York.. wasn't that my fault?
Do I love him?? Yes.. does he love me.. yes.. is it enough.. god i hope in the end it is..
maybe this airplane will crashJuliet's Journal, back|forward