Interesting how my mind wanders both in sleep and in the waking world. More interestingly, its interesting how I can walk around, with my head down, without hitting the wall, both metaphorically and physically. I guess I'm just lucky. Or people just know to walk around me because I look psychotic. How I ponder how the world works when they only give a crap when they believe that you are becoming delusional or pose a threat to them. How wonderful.
Again, my day starts after midnight. Coming back from bubble tea
, I begin to go home. I call my lady friend, thinking that maybe she could come out and say hi for a moment. Ring
. Phone rings. Ring
. Her phone rings some more. Guess she's asleep. How wonderful. When people need you, they expect you to be there. When you need them, how ironic that they are undeniably unavailable. But I'm calm. I spent the late night with a lovely young woman and she calmed me down. How interesting. The only thing I remember is "Gimme the ball". Bubble tea ball I mean. Stop thinking dirty thoughts.
Then back home. Ring
. Back on the phone. Back on the computer. I come home, looking around for any form of conscious life, but I hear the eerie silence of the wind, seeping through the open window. Slowly, I took off my shoes, place them messily by the kitchen, and walk into the darkness and sit down. With my phone in my ear, and my keyboard in my lap, what else would I need? Near 4, I wake up my friend. She's asleep. I try again. It works this time. I help people register into UBC
. I ponder sometimes about how many saps are there like me in the world compared to the number of manipulators. Maybe I should grow a bloody backbone.
Once again, I try to sleep, with the intention of just dropping into my bed and succumbing to the tiredness of my mind and my body. Alas, poor me. My eyelids close yet twitch. My body lies quietly, yet shake. I quiver, yet not at the cold but at the anxiety. This anxiety attack would be one of many today. After a while, the universal creator feels pity for me and allows me to drop into unconsciousness due to the seizure like attacks. Who doesn't want to sleep like they've had a seizure? Not me...
I set two alarm clocks. Knowing that I might miss another day of school due to oversleeping, I huddle into a ball, hoping that springing into action from the alarm would waken me enough to get up. Ring
. Alarm one. I send it flying into the wall. Ring
. Alarm two. I ignore it. Ring
. It flies into the wall. I go back to sleep. What a great way to throw money away. Damn. I still have to fix them too. I guess thats what UBC
engineering teaches you. How to fix broken alarm clocks because you can't wake up properly and throw them against harder objects. Newton's second law
, eat your heart out.
10 am. Ring
. This time its my cell phone. I realize that I've missed class so I pick it up. I hope its not the professor. Moshi moshi
. Its one of my lady friends. Screaming. Threatening. Another nice way to wake up in the morning. Maybe I'm dreaming. Apparently, I've concerned her lately because she thinks I'm suicidal
. Hmm. We'll see. She threatens to kick my butt if I commit suicide
. Mental note. Don't kill yourself because someone is going to kick your butt when you can't feel it. Whoops. Forgot it already.
Another phone call. Its my other friend. Looking for me. I love it already. I feel wanted. I would give her a hug (amongst other things but that's for another time) but I can't. I fall back asleep.
The sun shone brightly in my eyes. It reflected into the tv screen, into my eyes. Damn planetary rotation of the Earth around the sun. Damn the laws of physics. Feeling like I've been hit my lightning, I slowly crawl onto the ground, hoping that I can get up by the time I get to the washroom. Otherwise, I would have to brush my teeth with toilet water. Yum. No gingevitis here.
I go to work. Rat races. I'm the fattest rat here, and since no one can pass I lead the pack. I feel the pressure here. Shivering hands. Dropped clipboards. I think I have a problem here. After trying to calm myself down by popping some Mentos
in my mouth, hoping that the "Freshmaker" can make me cool like the commercials, I was off work and on to home.
Leaving my cell at home, I silently walk towards the bus stop. Its been a while. Noticing the world from the eyes of an ant. Looking up at the sky, nothing blocking the celestial bodies from glaring their lights onto their loyal subjects. With Mary J. Blige
in my discman and the world at my command, it seems that the day has found a good point. Until I realized that the next bus would be 30 minutes away. Thats okay. I can just sing to myself while I wait at the bus stop. Another brand new low. To sing to yourself that "Love is all we need to make everything complete" makes me want to kick my own butt into the ground.
My sister picks me up at the bus stop. I didn't call her but she was nice enough to pick me up anyways. I appreciate it now but didn't give a crap before.
I step into my humble abode. I place my jacket neatly on the hook by the door. I punch the door. Everyone looks at me funny, then they scream. I change out of my Ikea
uniform. I change into my "thug" clothing, complete with bandana. I'm ready to take on the world. I walk out of the door, with cell phone in ear. I call my friend. I go grab a slurpee. I go grab some seafood congee
. Home I go. I lost a couple of trillion brain cells from this endeavor. I feel smarter already.
Now I'm home. On the phone once again. I release myself. I become what I have become. To be content with the fact that talking on the phone is what my life has become. Voices become my soulmates as I'm not worthy to be one with the actual people.
I feel no remorse for what I have done in the past nor should you feel pity for me for what I'm about to do. I feel no fear and can look death in the eye. I feel that life has dealt with me unfairly yet I have no choice but to try to even the match
I whisper words in the wind, hoping that you would hear them. The wind creates sounds that I perceive as your voice, telling me that you don't love me. Yet, to me, at least for the meanwhile, its good enough. I have no choice. I look for a reason to stay. You are a reason to go and a reason to stay. I've been in the light too long. I can no longer see clearly. I will go back into the darkness. At least there I know where I'm going, where I'm heading. There is no difference, no direction in the darkness. Lead me to you. If you want me, I will not go into the light. Come find me in the darkness. Then, can we be together, frozen in time.