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Blake came over which was strained. MST3K with Casey and edebroux and I wanted them both to just can it. I did abdominal crunches today. Who possessed my body and instigated that?

The light in the dorm elevator has gone out and it is wonderful creepy. Pitch dark but for the round yellow floor button and red digital numbers on the wall. I rode up with Casey and all I could see were his grinning teeth.

Well to hell with this, it’s just another Sunday to the rest of America but I am going to make this day count. I will go to Pier One and try on many clothes and admire myself. I will buy myself bagels and Ben & Jerry’s and whipped cream in a can. I will call Pete and write something for McClure and keep busy and do things I want to do. It is too easy to sink into miserableness.

(later) all I want to do is cry. edebroux was cold and weird all morning and barely spoke to me. Pier One didn’t open for an hour so I just came back home. Elizabeth Stockton wanted to know if we had any magazines she could cut up and edebroux GAVE THEM TO HER. I went back to Pier One. All crap. Didn’t have the energy to go to the grocery store. Foul, foul, shrieking in the car. I spend a lot of time on people.

That godawful laugh in the common room. Stockton was sitting IN MY CHAIR so I hid across the hall in the study lounge. I’d go call Will but I know he’s not there.

4 pm I feel horrible. Went back to bed in hopes of killing this mood or sleeping through it. Didn’t help, fucking lonely, I feel like I did in Montana, people all around but nobody asks the right questions. I feel sick, paralyzed. Break out of limbo – how do you get out of deja vu?

(later) back at Murphey Candler but didn’t feel like getting out of the car. Would have liked to watch the little league game but there’s no shade and I am still so burned from yesterday.

Drop out, join the Hell’s Angels, hitchhike to Guam. I keep thinking I want to go home, I want to go home without knowing where it is, or if I will ever find it.

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