ick, daylogs. A self-imposed abstinence from noding, or an apathetic acceptance of my all-pervading laziness? This is probably offensive to the 3 people who will read this, but, lately, I haven't found anything really worth reading on E2. It makes me wonder exactly what attracted me here in the first place, what made this site seem so sparkly and new? Whatever it is, I wish I could find it again.
of course, this could be just a symptom of the deeper malady. My life has faced so much upheaveal lately; first I fall in love, then I simply lose interest in work, then I decide to marry my beloved, then I sell my house, quit my job and leave the UK far behind.
Despite all this, I feel mostly secure with my new life. Apart from a few doubts that most of the time I dismiss as irrational, I feel happy and calm. It's a great, soul smoothing warm feeling to know that I love and that I am loved. Each thanks, masukomi, cobie, drunkenmonkey and cow of doom person I meet here in the US has welcomed me, dispelling another of my little worries with each new encounter.
But I still have worries. It doesn't help that my natural state is one of paranoia, neurosis and pessimism. I suppose my main worry would be getting a job; my experience is good, but my lack of a single focus in my last job of four years, coupled with my lack of education could damage my prospects. I want to raise a family with my wife, and that takes money. It may seem a strange ambition to many of you; mid twenties guys are meant to run screaming from words like commitment and children. But I want to do this, even though I know that I am not ready yet, not responsible enough or mature enough to take total care of other lives.
But I need to be stable, both emotionally and financially. Having a few thousand dollars profit from the sale of my house does not mean I am suddenly good with money. Finding love for another within me does not mean I will make a caring, loving parent. It takes so much more; I need to have years of hard work behind me, something I am not exactly accustomed to. I need to find the strength within myself to live consciously, to think before I react; again, not something I have been doing recently and that has been detrimental to both myself and others.
I wonder if I have the ability, the simple capacity to work hard for my wife and children? I hear a lot about the hard work ethic of America, and frankly that scares me. Working for so long supporting research has reinforced my natural lax attitude, perhaps irreversibly. That scares me as well. I know that this is simply low self esteem, that I need to feel the fear and do it anyway, but as many people know: it can seem as there is no way through.
I need to count my blessings some more, I think. I have a beautiful and loving fiancee. (although we think of each other as husband and wife) I am intelligent and capable of a great many things.
I have a lot of hope for the future, but so many worries as well. I know that my hope will win, I can only try not to stumble too many times along the way.