March 18, 2000

Today was an eventful day. This evening, my flatmate came home drunk, apparently after having thrown a beer bottle (a full one, mind you) at his girlfriend. Anyway, after smashing the place up and nearly breaking my refridgerator, I asked him "What the fuck is wrong with you?"... bad idea!! Soon after I was being verbally attacked by a drunk man wielding a butter-knife, who apparently was going to "fucking stab someone". He left shortly after and has not come back. I'll be interested to hear what he has to say on return (I just hope he's sober).

I'm just glad I'm moving out in the next 20 days or so. It's funny how your best friends can turn on you in that kind of way due to alcohol.

Well the weekend seems to be panning out in to a pretty boring and antisocial one.
So far I've read far in to the morning and slept till the evening upon waking I ate, did the dishes, watched a movie and came on here.

More interaction with real people seems needed, although I do see my roommates too often.
Is it possible for your roommates to taint your social out look? Must be.

Somewhere someone said that life was full of surprises (I think they ment the good kind) and that if you blinked you would miss them. But what if you sleep through them? What then? Is there anyway to get them back? They seem to be unique events that once missed are gone.

So I guess the moral of the story is don't sleep. No that can't be right? Maybe sleep during the boring parts? That can't be right either, because they seem to happen in clusters. Maybe the moral is don't think about it. Don't try to be there for the intresting peices. Just live and they will happen. For surly no one can predict them.

...Back - Forward...

I am frightened to death, and I can't stand to admit it. I fear being alone for the rest of my life. I am scared that I am just going to wind up fading into the grey. I know I am a romantic at heart, but I know I can survive on my own. I fear I will fail trying to live a life, in which I remain true to myself and independent, where a man isn't my destiny - but a choice. I am scared to age physically, when men will stop flirting with me, and see me as being worth much less. Will I become a pathetic hermit, similar to the main charchter in Notes From the Underground, aware, perceptive, and unloved? I am scared that I will become a nuisance, or burden to my friends. I am terrified that no one will ever look at me attentively, or lovingly again. I fear that when I talk about my life, my experiences, my mistakes .. that they are only curious about my life because it is such a drama, and not because they want to get to know who I am. I am scared that I already had the great love of my life, and that the rest will just be me pathetically hoping and dreaming, until I get so destroyed from constant slams in the face that I just become to tired to dream.