Today is my day off. I have a list of things I would like to accomplish. It's currently 2:10 and so far I have pulled a chicken out of the fridge with the intention of roasting it. I ate some food, took a picture of it so Twitter could verify that the meal had indeed been consumed, because online, it didn't happen unless you can produce photographic evidence. I wonder how I lived without my phone for so long. I had a phone, but this is my phone. My link to the outside world, my trusty friend, companion, silent shoulder to cry into when I'm having a bad day. Technology has never mattered much to me although I realize that the roads my car travels upon would not exist without it.
My plan is to find a place to live. I'd prefer a condo, I think. I want it to be close enough to work so I can walk there, or bike. Walking is preferred, I'm kind of scared of biking. Ever since an accident in seventh grade where my foot went through the spokes and got stuck. Worse than the physical pain was the knowledge that my parents weren't going to replace my wheels. Transportation, you have to have it until you lose it and manage to do without. I would really like to buy a nicer vehicle. I could talk to my ex about getting the car we bought together back from him. My head recognizes the foolishness of this, more and larger repair bills, I'd pay more at the pump to fill it up, but I want to feel safer when I'm driving even if it means paying more for auto insurance each and every month.
Today I remembered to take my lemon balm. Once again I'm confronted with the dark and despair behind the anxiety. I know people love me, yesterday I had a phenomenal day at work. Going down to four days is sometimes the right thing. I slept in today and that felt good. I am catching up on sleep that I've missed out for the past forty-two years. Healing, peaceful, tranquil, blessed, life altering sleep that I missed out on as a child and didn't receive enough of as an adult. After graduating from college I was hired to work full time, not quite forty hours a week. I was great at my job, wore cute clothes, packed my meager lunches, sometimes ate out despite not really having the money. I didn't know then what I do now.
Today I am contemplative, reflective, sad, depressed, but not in a bad mood. Recognizing the facts for what they are and facing them with whatever courage I can muster. I have a painting that was given to me several years ago. There's a straight pine and one crooked trunk clinging to the shore, muddy unclear waters, a small ship coming in leaving a watery blue-green wake, in the distance are hills or mountains, it's difficult to tell from this distance. I keep thinking about who I am and where I'm going. The things I need to do like tax returns and mundane errands, should I force myself to get out and do these tasks, or give in and go back to my nice warm bed and pull all the covers over my head?
Until next time,
J
P.S. I'm in a good place, I seem to have lost the map, but there is food and shelter here so I'll probably end up spending the night again.
j