i need a little piece of sanity, i keep grasping at thinning air, hard to breathe sometimes with this weight on my shoulders and no one to bring even temporary relief, aside from in thoughts, if i could just surround myself in thought forever.. i'm so very tired tonight, and tired of this soap opera'ish lifestyle. it will change, it will change.. i shall keep telling myself such stuff and hope that i believe it if only for a while, again with the temporary relief from stresses that might crush me if i let them.

i could use someone, well, you, to ramble to tonight, my best friend is talking to my sister and i'm left talking to my brother who happened to eavesdrop on conversation about him that surely wasn't for his ears, but i guess in the end it doesn't matter too greatly. no one believes a word that passes through my lips to the point that i question how much i even mean it anymore. or do i? all i know are the feelings i have for... you. i'm content with that, oddly, despite the swirling thought that tries to tempt me with musings, suggestions of care for things that i haven't been for in a very long time.

and you, do you think i still care about you? is that what you think? oh the choice words i would slip into your life soup, constructed of tiny pasta letters that would burn, no, break a heart, not mine, for once. you send me your little notes filled with lies, if you only knew how much i know, you'd hang your head in such utter shame, i know you well enough to know that you have no idea who i am anymore. leave me alone, something i will say one day when i get up the nerve, just leave me the hell alone.

maybe this, us, is just another thing that won't go right for me, but i choose to believe that it is the only thing that has been right in a very long time. i don't care who ignores what i say or who pretends to know what is best for me.. i don't even know what is best for me, niether do they. i just know that i want this, and he makes the universe seem much less painful.

i'll embrace it all and smile at wherever it leads me. you are the content of any lucid thought i've had recently.. it's not such a far away thing as i had assumed. i've more than brief moments, and i think i realize now that i wouldn't want it all to make sense, even if it could.

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