Dear To Whom It May Concern,
Today I went into the computer suite to check my email and do preparation for a lab on Friday. I had to leave after ten seconds because the stink of body odour was so noxious I was about to start retching. I am certain that this is not a situation that I alone am distressed by: When I first enrolled at this university it was apparent that most of the computer science students could not be trusted to maintain a level of personal hygiene that would suggest something other than the fact they sleep in a pile of offal in a sewer - never in any other course do the lecturers have to take the time in the first class to instruct the students to wash daily.
I am entitled to a space to work in that does not reek of filthy, unwashed people. Since there is not currently such a space, I expect to be provided with somewhere to work while the other students are given lessons in basic hygiene. These lessons will explain simple concepts understood by small children, such as "soap", "water", and "not being a revolting degenerate subhuman troll". Frequent checks of the laboratories will be in order, conducted by staff armed with tranquiliser guns for quick subdual of offenders for speedy removal. Perhaps sniffer dogs can be employed to check each of the filthy cretins as they come in to the buildings - assuming that the SCPA will not then have the university charged with cruelty to animals.
A complete refit of the facilities will be required following a gutting of the computer suites, ideally accomplished by fire. However, since the rest of the building is not a stinking ruin the contaminated rooms will no doubt have to be dismantled and not simply destroyed. The carpet will certainly need to be removed by a hazmat team. The paint will need to be stripped, and the walls will probably need to be washed down with some kind of industrial solvent, as the stench will have seeped into the very concrete. All fixtures, including the computers, should be removed and placed in sealed concrete containers, to be buried beneath a mountain. I suggest the vilest of the walking sewage ponds that have been using the computer suites also be entombed in this containment facility, to protect future generations from the destruction of the natural environment their very existence no doubt will cause. A constant vigil must be maintained over this containment site for all time, lest a breach due to seismic activity, meteor strike, or sceptical archaeologists who ignore ancient warning glyphs, should doom us all.
I expect this to be carried out posthaste. If a suitable room for me to work in is not available I will be happy to make use of your office, and you can work in the stinking pits of Gehenna which are the third year computer labs.