So I get home today and go into the bathroom to take a piss. When I am all done and ready to go and enjoy my time away from work, I find the door will not open. This isn't unusual, since my doorknob acts funny at random, however my usual tricks to open it does not work.

14:00 - Plan A: Shake the doorknob violently. OUTCOME: FAILURE.

After an undetermined amount of time (there is no clock in there), I give up, despair setting in. Searching my surroundings I find hope.

14:?? - Plan B: Unscrew the doorknob. OUTCOME: FAILURE.

Seeing the screws in the base of the doorknob, I decided I should attempt to unscrew them. After searching the bathroom for an appropriate tool, I find the only piece of metal that can fit in the door crevices is my belt latch. A valiant attempt to unscrew the doorknob insues, resulting only in dissappointment. I sit on the ground to review.

14:?? - Plan C: Unhinge the door. OUTCOME: FAILURE.

Thinking about the door, I decide that if it wouldn't open the correct way, I would open it the opposite way. By unhinging it. The bottom hinge leaves easily, after I use my belt latch as a lever to pull it out. The top hinge proves more difficult. Rusted in and a very far distance from any strategic point of height, the hinge remains where I put it.

15:?? - Plan D: Devise a system of pulleys and levers to rip the doorknob off. OUTCOME: FAILURE.

Remembering my physical science days, I recalled the simple machines. The amount of work needed to rip the doorknob off would significantly lessen if I were able to use pulleys and levers. I create an elaborate system of belts and shampoo bottles and attempt to rip it out. No such luck.

15:?? - Plan E: Break the doorknob off. OUTCOME: FAILURE.

After human ingenuity failed, I decide that brute force is the best option. My bathroom door has a piece of wood and little hanging knobs on it to hang towels and clothes and the like. I rip it out. I proceed to slam the doorknob with it in an attempt to knock it off like I see cops and people do with guns in movies. Hollywood fails me.

15:37 - Plan F: Create an arm sized hole in the door to manipulate the doorknob from the outside. OUTCOME: FAILURE.

I then take my trusty rack (Furthermore known as the Rack of Truth) and attempt to widen the hole where the screw used to be from the rack. It succeeds and I attempt to stick my arm through. Pain shoots up and down it and I grunt in agony. Seeking protection, I wrap my arm in a towel and try again. Success, tasting freedom I quickly twist my arm to the doorknob... only to find it in the same stubborn and locked position. Glimpsing through the hole, I see one and a half hours have passed.

15:52 - Plan G: Create a Lavisarin sized hole in the door. OUTCOME: SUCCESS.

It is a well known fact that bowel movements happen that are sometimes too massive for a toilet to process. I am the caretaker of this problem, ending Lovecraftian Nightmares with my Plunger of Justice ™. Deciding that my only option remaing is to duel wield my only tools, the Rack of Truth and the Plunger of Justice, and rip open a hole large enough for me to dive through. Using the Rack of Truth as a lever, I rip open the initial paneling from the first hole to a modicum of success. The Plunger of Justice's handle is then used to smash open the hole, and widen it on the second, best, and final paneling. Eventually the wood bars that criss-cross my door get in the way, and I can no longer widen my tunnel of freedom. My first attempt to dive through ends only in pain. My head, unprotected, was stabbed visciously.

Recalling a certain thread on ninja masks at another forum, I decide to form my head protection from my night shirt. Once complete, and with towels about both arms, I proceed to dive through, at last free.

Total Elapsed Time: Two Hours and Thirty Minutes. Moral: Violence is the only answer.

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