For the longest time, I'd been a "Kank-A Soft Brush" kind of guy.

Kank-A, in case you haven't heard, is an over-the-counter drug sold by Blistex for the treatment of canker sores and other things that fuck up in your mouth. The active ingredient is benzocaine, and, oh my god, it works. Just a few dabs and this little anaesthetic bad boy will begin to one-two punch any pain you might have right in the neck. Hell, the other day, I caught myself wondering why they don't use this shit for more things, and, it turns out, they do! For one, benzocaine is the active ingredient in Vagisil, as well as the secret behind Durex's Performex condoms. I'm reasonably sure I could fish a bullet out of my inner thigh with some needle-nose pliers and a bottle of Kank-A.

As I was saying, I'd always gone in for the "Kank-A Soft Brush", essentially a thin white tube attached to, well, a soft brush. There's really little that could go wrong here (this is, perhaps, a curious choice on the part of Blistex; making a medication known to cause pulmonary aspiration if swallowed that much easier for babies to eat). After a few twists of the base mechanism, the Kank-A gel crowns gloriously out the tip of the brush. Then, simply coat your inner lip until you can't feel yourself doing it anymore.

There are, sometimes, complications. You see, my canker sore disappeared about a week ago, and, in its place, I discovered a swollen, chewed-up lip. It occurred to me, first, that I chew my lip without thinking about it; and, second, that I wasn't thinking about it, because I couldn't feel it. Not a problem, I thought. Nothing a little Kank-A can't fix!

So a couple days passed, and instead of getting better, my swollen lip grew. Now, in hindsight, I believe stress to be the most likely explanation for my lip biting. I hadn't slept in a while, and semester's end tends to be an anxious time for students. Suffice it to say, I took a different approach to the situation at the time. In my sleep deprived miasma of fuckhead stupidity, I actually began suspecting that there might be something in my lip, like, I don't know, some sort of South American fly larva. How then to remove this parasite from my mouth? I pondered. Looking over, I noticed I had Kank-A. Raising my head to the mirror, I noticed I had teeth. The whole time, I couldn't feel anything, but I began second guessing myself around the time my mouth filled with blood.

After that incident, I swore I would no longer chew on the mangled Double Bubble I was calling my right, lower lip. The problem is, if I can feel it in my mouth, it irritates me, and I want to bite it. And, consider the worst parts of having a canker sore: eating citrus, eating sugar, eating, chewing, brushing your teeth, having your gum line hit your teeth, et cetera. Magnify that by, well, a lot, and you can imagine how disabling it is to try and eat your own goddamn mouth. God, I started wallpapering my mouth with Kank-A night and day.

It was then that I discovered the hitherto unknown shortcomings of the "Kank-A Soft Brush". First, if your mouth is bleeding, your brush is now red and shitty. You can try to wash it off, but once that brush hits blood, fuck it. You're wiping the rest of that gel on with your finger, and now your finger feels weird too. Second, if you're like me and still tried to use the brush, it probably smells funny and tastes weird, so, Jesus Christ, stop using the soft brush already. And I ran out.

Okay, I thought, not that big of a deal. I can stand the pain (naïve as hell, but bare with me). I spent an hour internalizing a special kind of self-hatred for all the times I'd caught myself chewing on, once again, my very painful, bleeding lip. Finally, I decided that this was like having a fire ant living in my mouth, a fire ant born under a dark constellation. So, to Walgreens I went for my miracle tube of comfortable numb.

And so, turning full circle, I say again that "I'd been a 'Kank-A Soft Brush' kind of guy," because I hadn't, until that very moment, set my sights upon an altogether unremarkable vial of Kank-A with three magical words on it: "Mouth - Pain - Liquid." Well, fuck, I thought! By now, I'm practically a dentist; sign me up!

In the car, I couldn't wait; I had to put it in my mouth. Looking at this small, ugly vial, I noticed that there was no brush, just a long plastic tube with a bulb on the end; and while the "Soft Brush" white gel sat like cake icing, enticing you to spread it across your painful sores, the liquid I held before me dripped from its plastic wand like corrosive oil. But, whatever, fuck it, I thought; might as well just drip this shit in my mouth, and in my mouth it went. I applied two or three coats to my inner lip.

The sensation, in all its nuanced subtlety, is, to my mind, something like pouring an entire bottle of Hydrogen peroxide all over your body, that is, assuming that your body is also completely covered with filthy cuts and scrapes. It is like someone pushed over a burning cactus, and it fell exactly on your mouth. And then, thirty seconds after I'd seemingly cauterized my face, the pain faded, then vanished completely. I felt no pain; I felt no tongue! My entire mouth was sticky with the shit, but I didn't care. I had become one of the chosen.

I rushed home immediately, driven by my own scientific curiosity. I had to uncover the secret that set this mouth napalm apart from its limp-bristled cousin. After all, both bottles claim the same amount of benzocaine (20%). Maybe the liquid just acts differently than the gel; or, perhaps, it's all just a matter of marketing. Had their scheme unfolded before my very eyes? Basically, what I'm saying is, compare "Kank-A Soft Brush Tooth/Mouth Pain Gel" to this hard ass product:

Kank-A Mouth Pain Liquid.

I mean, really, what the fuck? Did George Orwell spend his Burmese Days writing copy for Blistex on the side? How about Hemingway? I could see Hemingway writing a story about this product, couldn't you? He could've put it in A Moveable Feast, something that concludes with the punch line that Scott Fitzgerald was a pussy.

Digressions aside, I do think there's more to this marketing premise than meets the eye. As proof, let's take a look at the Blistex website, under the product descriptions for both "Kank-A Soft Brush" and "Kank-A Fuck You".

Soft Brush: ...way to treat toothaches and brace pain...allows users to comfortably and precisely apply medication...sleekly designed, wand-shaped applicator makes it easier than ever...no-drip, ultra-soft brush applies the pain-relieving gel evenly...has a comfortable touch that won't irritate or aggravate...mild, pleasant tasting gel to treat pain caused by toothaches and minor irritation of the mouth and gums from dentures and orthodontic appliances.

"Soft Brush", as we see, presents us with an agenda, certain motifs emerging to give us the overall image of a comfortable and neat product, ergonomic and soft in design, intended too sooth minor irritation with a pleasant taste. Hell, the "Soft Brush" slogan is "Strong Relief With A Soft Touch," for Christ's sake. Now, moving on, we have our Product #2: "Kank-A: Fighting Jack Churchill Blood."

F.J.C.B.: Mouth Pain Liquid is ideal for...abrasions inside the mouth...combines the maximum allowable level of anesthetic...coating holds the anesthetic in contact with the sore and acts as a barrier against further irritation.

In contrast to the more user friendly "Soft Brush" product, we have "Mouth Pain Liquid". Alright man, Blistex is telling you; we're not in this game to fuck around anymore. This shit? This shit is the strongest painkiller we can legally sell you. It's so fucking strong, it treats the effects of wind and precipitation on your goddamn mouth. Honestly, "Kank-A Mouth Pain Liquid" is the Frank Castle of analgesic medication.

So, I guess I didn't learn very much about Kank-A, except that it burns like a motherfucker and makes my teeth stick together. If you have to choose between one or the other, I'd suggest the "Soft Brush", because I assume your mouth problem isn't severe enough to require the full on facefuck of "Mouth Pain Liquid". And if it is? God help us all.

<sub>Name: Kank-A Professional Strength Mouth Pain Liquid
Company: Blistex
Active Ingredients: Benzocaine 20.0%(w/w)
Purpose: Oral anesthetic/analgesic

Warnings:</sub>

_{For oral use only. Allergy alert do not use this product if you have a history of allergy to local anesthetics such as procaine, butacaine, benzocaine, other "caine"* anesthetics. When using this product do not use for more than 7 days unless directed by a dentist or doctor. If sore mouth symptoms do not improve in 7 days; if irritation, pain or redness persists or worsens; or if swelling, rash or fever develops, see your doctor or dentist promptly. Do not exceed recommended doses. Keep out of reach of children. If swallowed, get medical help or contact a Poison Control Center} ri_{ght away.}

_Directions:

• _{dry affected area and apply medication undiluted with applicator}
• _{use up to 4 times daily, or as directed by a dentist or doctor}
• _{consult a dentist or doctor for us on children under 2 years of age}
• _{children under 12 years of age should be supervised in the use of this product}

_{Name: Kank-A Professional Strength Soft Brush Tooth/Mouth Pain Gel
Company: (see above)
Active Ingredients: (see above)
Purpose: (see above)}

_Warnings:

_{(see above)}

_Directions:

• _{twist base clockwise to dispense; it may take up to 10 full turns to dispense the initial dose, but subsequent uses should require less than 1 turn}
• _{to clean brush tip, rinse with cold water}
• _{adults and children 2 years of age and older: dry affected area and apply medication by gently brushing the affected area}
• _{use up to 4 times daily or as directed by a dentist or doctor}
• _{children under 2 years of age: consult a dentist or doctor}
• _{children under 12 years of age should be supervised in the use of this product}

_Source

1. _{Kank-A Professional Strength Mouth Pain Relief (Blistex)}