People should be more careful for what they ask for. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here today to tell you...

Junk mail saved my life

Yes,

Junk mail saved my life
Junk mail saved my life

Oh sorry... I only meant to say that twice... Forget the third time. Where was I...?

Junk mail saved my life

If I didn't receive any junk mail in my daily mail, I wouldn't be alive today to talk about it.

See, it happened two nights ago. I was alone at home (I'm no good with relationships. Men say I'm difficult and that I have emotional problems, but that's a different node altogether.)

Anyway, I'm at home, drying the dish. Who needs more than one dish when you live alone? You know, just me and my emotional problems. So, I finish drying the dish, so I open up the cupboard and put the dish away. I also lean over to empty the sink. I raised back up too quickly and hit my head on the edge of the cupboard door... hard. Blinded by pain, I stumble backwards into my glass cabinet full of glass dolls...

So, I collect glass dolls... Isn't a guy allowed to have a hobby?

Ok, I try to stumble my way towards the bathroom, only I trip over the blue recycling box... which is really weird because I don't recycle...

So my head lands on a big pile of junk mail lying on the floor next to the front door. Then I passed out. Doctors later told me that if the junk mail wasn't there to stop the bleeding, I wouldn't be alive today.

So, after 30 minutes or so, no one stopped by or even called. Heh, why should they... after all, I have emotional problems. So I lift myself up to my elbows, crawl to the telephone, and I dial for help. Now, due to my head injury, I couldn't remember that easy to remember emergency number.

So, I pull a large piece of junk mail that's stuck to my bleeding head and dial that number. Lucky for me, that was a number I've called several times before, and they had my name and address in the computer. Unlucky for me, they thought I was ordering a pizza and showed up 45 minutes to an hour later (I got the pizza for free, but that's a different node altogether.)

The pizza guy made a few more deliveries, then drove me straight to the hospital. And that's how...

Junk mail saved my life

So, if I were you, I'd think twice about throwing away your junk mail everyday. You just might regret it.

Oh, and for all you single men out there, I'm currently seeing a psychologist about my... emotional problems.

Based on a skit performed by The Kids In The Hall... I LOVE YOU, BRUCE!

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