Accounting 210 Midterm.

Alex, PLEASE study. if you're reading this because today is the 22nd and E2 brought up this node, and you've just now begun to study,
you - are - screwed.

Everything Day Logs
Yesterday | Tomorrow

Everything Snapshot

Time: Thu, 22 Jun 2000 01:06:28 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) mod_perl/1.21
Number of nodes: 577564 (2078 new since June 21, 2000)
Number of users: 16010 (42 new since June 21, 2000)
Number of links: 2108011 (18858 new since June 21, 2000)

Node to user ratio: 36.075 nodes per user
Link to node ratio: 3.650 links per node
Link to user ratio: 131.668 links per user

New Nodes: Users Online (40): [pukesick] [sensei] [ideath] [Uberfetus] [bitter_engineer] [hamster bong] [ailie] [thefez] [mat catastrophe] [MasterYoshi] [getzburg] [fustflum] [Electricsound] [mcSey] [m1a9366b] [SueZVudu] [Fruan] [renster] [heropsychodreamer] [Ground Control] [Ereneta] [stupidcomputer] [Mr.Sparkle] [urbanmisfit] [Eos] [neil] [MarilynM] [Kung] [rax] [Mihtjel] [jes04] [loveleov] [ccunning] [Citizen Aim] [Wormer] [voosen] [anthus] [WildFyre] [Twelvex] [jawz]

JeffMagnus node count: 3762 (1 new since June 21, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience: 6574 (9 more since June 21, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 1.747 XP per node
JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.652%
JeffMagnus node of the day: Everything 2 Civil War

<< week | June 21, 2000 | June 22, 2000 | June 23, 2000 | week >>

Everything's Best Users Snapshot

   #   Users                   XP   wa7   inc Level   l_XP l_wa7
   1   Pseudo_Intellectual  15665   159   168    11  15497   157
   2   DMan                 13196   167   133     9  13063   173
   3   dem bones            12371    86   113    10  12258    82
   4   Segnbora-t           10154   106   121    10  10033   103
   5   Saige                 9828    73    27    10   9801    81
   6   pukesick              9197    24    21    10   9176    25
   7   jessicapierce         7826   -76    59    10   7767   -99
   8   Deborah909            7524    43    89    10   7435    35
   9   N-Wing                7499    79    84     9   7415    78
  10   dannye                6844   110    56     8   6788   119
  11 * sensei                6834   108   168     7   6666    98
  12 - tregoweth             6744    37    74     9   6670    31
  13 * yossarian             6617    46   111     9   6506    35
  14 * Jet-Poop              6611    81    93     9   6518    79
  15 - JeffMagnus            6575    22    10     9   6565    24
  16 - pingouin              6552    23    19     9   6533    24
  17   Lometa                6486    60    25     9   6461    66
  18   knifegirl             6428    26    39     9   6389    24
  19   ideath                6385    71    68     7   6317    72
  20   ModernAngel           6319    19     4     9   6315    22
  21   Tem42                 6211    68    54     8   6157    70
  22   General Wesc          6042    38    28     9   6014    40
  23   /dev/joe              5962    72    66     8   5896    73
  24   hoopy_frood           5760    18    14     8   5746    19
  25   moJoe                 5719    41    21     9   5698    44
  26   novalis               5516    14    15     9   5501    14
  27   bozon                 5488    12     9     9   5479    12
  28 * RockLobster           4769    97   120     9   4649    93
  29 - yam                   4768    36     2     7   4766    42
  30   alex.tan              4721    47    66     7   4655    44
  31 - nine9                 4715    16     1     9   4714    18
  32   juliet                4531    43    21     9   4510    47
  33   Sarcasmo              4296     4     1     8   4295     4
  34   Uberfetus             4295    49    82     6   4213    43
  35   Sylvar                4267    39   108     7   4159    27
  36 * Templeton             4189    55    33     5   4156    59
  37 - ariels                4172    16    13     8   4159    16
  38 * bitter_engineer       3963    53   130     7   3833    40
  39   kessenich             3949    32    41     8   3908    31
  40 - sabre23t              3931    49    10     6   3921    55
  41   knarph                3784    26    97     8   3687    14
  42   CaptainSpam           3667    20     6     8   3661    22
  43   hamster bong          3642    79    69     5   3573    81
  44 * ailie                 3539    23    26     7   3513    22
  45   Woundweavr            3534    11     8     8   3526    12
  46 - Quizro                3530    13     3     8   3527    15
  47   Lord Brawl            3432    27     6     8   3426    31
  48   Orange Julius         3423    46    13     7   3410    51
  49   discofever            3380     4    12     7   3368     3
  50   wharfinger            3331    29    29     5   3302    29
  51   hatless               3316    24    17     8   3299    25
   *   EBU #51               3316    33    17     *   3299    36

Server time: 02:16 Thu Jun 22 2000 TZ +0100 not UTC since May 26, 2000

* = users rising up in the EBU; - = users falling down in the EBU
l_ = last (previous) value; inc = increase in stats value
wa7 = ((stats + (6 * l_wa7))/7) = weighted average with denominator 7

sabre23t: Random Nodes

sabre23t: Nodes to node

If I do anything for you by noding as I do, here's some things you can do for me

I don't want to seem pompous or demanding, but I look at Everything (and everything else) as a way for people to exchange things. Ideas, mostly, laughs, reflections, inspirations, and sometimes, just something to stare at while you're at work, doing whatever most of you computer oriented people do for a paycheck (most of which I admit, I am unable to discern). I read a lot of the funny ones to my co-workers and bookmark, vote, ching, or add to the rest. This place have given me so much, and I hope I have given you as much as I can on a regular basis, that I figured, maybe you could help me.

I'm looking hither and yon for job ideas, moving ideas, and lifestyle ideas. I'm always trying to open my eyes wider at every turn so I don't miss what may still be a golden opportunity lying half under a pile of metaphorical shit. I've got as full a life as I could get without much social activity here in New Orleans, and while I don't see myself moving until at least the end of the year, I'm always thinking up a back up plan, a plan I could enact on the spot if it were inspiring enough. I'm ready to set my sights pretty much anywhere, which is the blessing of not having much holding you down but emotional baggage, which, I've found, fits well inside even an overloaded Festiva (I've done weight checks to see if my teeny tires could take it, and was pleasantly surprised---regret and guilt are the lightest ones so far).

My family is always far away and I've always gotten along without having to depend on much of anyone. When I broke up with my ex here after having lived here maybe 4 months, I slept on the floor of a girl's apartment who barely knew me (the girl, not the…well the apartment didn't know me well either) until I was able to get my own place. I got a temp job and eventually got a perm job, and here I sit, finally financially independent. Or, as independent as one could be with as much college debt as I have. It's been almost 4 years now I've been here, and I think I've seen enough. I've had my down times and my laughs and more Quarter stories than I care to count, and now I want to see what else is out there.

So send me your suggestions. Tell me the most appealing options in the places you've known that, to the best of your knowledge of me based on my nodes, would suit someone like me. I'm kind of hoping to find some kind of job that would appease my creative nature, even if it's copy editing to get a foot in the door, to get free software classes. I am not a stranger to physical labor, but would like to avoid the service industry in the first person; I've done my time in that realm.

There must be beautiful places out there. There must be a selling point in each of your towns and cities. I want to hear them. I've never really been anywhere, never left the East Coast except to come here and once I got here, I never even traveled next door to Texas. I want to pick a place and just head there, but I thought this would be a novel way of getting some suggestions.

Either msg me in Chatterbox, email me at the address listed on my site (which is listed on my home node), or call the Canbox number on my home node. Tell me where I can go, but be nice. And if you want to split gas with me, you're more than welcome to come along.

It's not yet the 22nd here, but it's a mere 3 hours away now, give or take a few milleniums.

My little brother is intensely, well, hilarious, but in a mind-numbingly stupid sort of way. Let me explain: My father is watching the Discovery Channel upstairs in his bedroom, our satellite dish is connected to two television sets and both are always on the same channel, and whatnot. Well, he comes in laughing his proverbial ass off, and hands me the remote, telling me to go hit "info", which lists what the program is about and what happens to be on that particular channel. I'm curious as to why he's laughing so hard, so I go try it myself.. I hit info, read it, nothing out of the ordinary.. a show about wolves. He laughs louder. I'm getting suspicious at this point. "What's so funny you chump?" "Hit it again!" So I do. Re-reading, trying to find some little detail I might have missed, possibly the word "mating" or something along those lines, since he is still quite immature and easily amused by anything pertaining to sex. Nope. And yet, he laughs louder still, rolling around on the floor now, just laughing and laughing. Finally I just say, "Alright, tell me or I'm going to lay the smack down!" "HAhAHAhaha*, every time you hit info, it's driving dad crazy upstairs, and he's going to come downstairs and yell at you for hitting info so many times!" At this point, I start laughing, not because it was a good prank, but because he found that so intensely entertaining. Kids.. you know? Yeesh.

So any way, I'm immeasurably content tonight, it's one of those dreamy evenings that remind me of how things used to be when we lived in our own house and we had what seemed like infinite amounts of time left in the world. Those times when I couldn't grow up fast enough, when I would saunter off on my own and sit in the fort made of old split rails. I used to sit in the living room when my dad would turn the lights off and lay in his old comfy chair and listen to Cat Stevens for a few hours, relaxing after a hard day of work. I'd sit there just because I felt closer to him, even though we never talked.. it's funny how things change, funny how time drifts by and leaves me wondering why I left so many things behind, why I didn't carry them right along with me.

This is a daylog for June 22, but being that exactly one month from this date, I'll be heading into my nineteenth year of life, I just feel like reminiscing a bit.

We used to have pet chickens, five of them at any given time, though we lost a few (one was run over, another died of a heart attack). We raised them basically from a few days after they left their little shells, four roosters and one hen. Clementine was mine, and Chanteclair, the biggest rooster, he was nearly the size of a turkey when all was said and done. Clementine was a sweetheart, I'd carry her around and she'd sit quietly with me, eating seeds from the palm of my hand. Eventually, with all of those rooster's around, Clem'y ended up laying a bunch of eggs.. I remember the day they started hatching, I helped one out of its shell. That was the neatest day ever, I think. It's too bad shortly after they hatched we had to bring them all to my grandmother's place, as we moved into a tiny little apartment that wasn't so country-ish, or ideal for pets at all. The rooster's were kind of mean after a while, though, we didn't mind. We'd taunt them, try to get them to chase us around the yard and then we'd bolt for the front door as if they could have done much more than peck at us a bit. It seems all so hilarious now, the time I threw my blanket and the little cassette player I was carrying at Raptor, the second biggest rooster, because he came after me as I walked across the lawn. I was so angry until I ran to the house and was telling my sister and she started laughing. At first, her laughter just made me angrier, until I realized that it was a chicken, not a three horned monster from the fiery pits of hell.

I loved my childhood.. I miss bits and pieces of it really, quite a bit even. All in all, things haven't changed that drastically, though, just enough that when an evening like this comes along I cherish it. Nothing really out of the ordinary happened to make it this way, I think that's part of why it's like this at all..

At My Funeral

...I want there to be music, and smiles and reminiscing of these things that I remember, perhaps that's why I've placed them here, so they're not lost to others. (I've no fear of losing them myself, whether I should or not, they're stored nicely in the luxury suite of my brain.) I don't plan on dying any time soon, but I'd hope that when I do there are a lot of sad people, but sad only because it's the end, not because there was never anything, or worse yet, there is regret. I don't want a lot of people crowded around a casket sobbing as it's lowered into the ground. I've always been one to cry when others do, and I don't like the tears that sadness brings (not all tears are unwelcome). I'm not sure why I'm thinking about my death at all tonight, I think possibly because I'm completely content with life, and subsequently death doesn't seem like such a frightening thing.

At My Birth

...They smiled a lot, I know, and there were good tears, though I couldn't see them. The striking similarities between birth and death.. I don't ever intend to leave completely, I'll always float around in the universe as the little breeze that blows across the face of a distressed little human in the dead heat of summer. I want to be a relief, a sweet little reminder that life is so amazingly beautiful and full of this intense stuff, these memories and occurrences. I could cry now, if I wanted to.. cry right along with his voice, have I mentioned that "Footsteps in the Dark" is one of my all time favourite compilations of f#$*ing brilliantly amazing music? Well, it is, it always will be...

I need to clean my room today.

Just finished writing a story; the first one I've actually finished since December 1997. I've begun to tentatively hope that the long drought is over. I'm not going to really celebrate until I've started working on the next one, whatever that turns out to be.

But it does feel good to have this one done. Maybe I'll try to sell it; I can go to the library tomorrow and see if they have the latest edition of Writers' Market. And I can see if that nifty Hewlett-Packard Deskjet 500 I scored for free over the weekend works.

12:16 EET

Summer mornings are killing me.
The sun shines directly at my window during the early hours. My curtains are dark(1), sucking up all the heat and projecting it on me sleeping right below the window. As you might imagine, this makes the spot I'm snoring in hotter than a sauna.
I manage to survive only by taking a refreshing shower after I get up. But at least this kind of temperature doesn't make me wan't to spend the entire 4-day-weekend inside these four walls. Which is nice.
This kind of weather always makes me think of the stereotype that in Finland the temperature never rises above -20ºC and there are polar bears walking around. I wish it was like that, believe me. ;)

I've been again organizing an IRC channel party with Jope. This time we surprisingly found a date which suits nearly everybody who should be there! This qualifies as too good to be true, so I'm expecting half of the people will weasel out before next week's weekend arrives. That reminds me.. While I'm visiting ReXX tomorrow, I should pick up some "refreshments" for the party as well.

Ok, time to put on some intensive sunscreen and leave this unconfortably hot hell hole to visit the mall and buy food & stuff. There's a long weekend ahead and the shops will be closed early tomorrow.

Since I didn't make a day log update yesterday.. Happy birthday to Nine9 and MasterYoshi!

I know, I really should get one of those white curtains that still block the sunlight.. But the time I got my lazy ass off the chair and actually bought them, it would be autumn already. So why bother? ;)

thursday morning

i finally slept good. even though my house was hot i slept straight through the night. first time in a long time.

the air conditioner is leaking. the insides are awfully dirty and gross. i left the fan running without the air fliter in it (which had gotten sopping wet and, i assume, ruined) all night which seems to have made the water stop dripping. the maintenance people are coming today to look at it. i left a note for them to check the fridge door and the garbage disposal too.

when i got to work there was a voicemail message from me from the surgeon. i assume he has scheduling information for me. i am more nervous about this every day. ugh. i called back to the surgeons office but i was unable to get the information. i left a message with another secretary that i should be called back asap. i want to know WHEN i have to go under the knife.

more later...

well, it's not much later, but i just got a call from the surgeon and the surgery is scheduled for next thursday at noon. argh argh argh. i'll be glad to not have pain, but i'm nervous nervous nervous about surgery. i have a bad case of the what ifs.

today is my mom's birthday. Everybody sing!!! Besides that, another day, working at home. yuk. Still sad over the loss of a loved one.

DATELINE: June 22nd, 2000A.D.

For those of you who haven't been watching the news lately, the NYPD has been doing some very interesting things. With the brutal shooting of 22 year old Amandou Diallo by four plainclothes police officers, not to mention the Wolfpack rapes in Central Park this past week, many are beginning to question the authenticity of the New York Police Dept.'s "sincerity" to "serve and protect".

Recently, American song-writer and performer, Bruce Springstein, composed a song for live performance titled "American ??:41 Shots" at Madison Square Gardens. After performing the song, which was a tribute to Amandou Diallo, the NYPD countered in a very hostile manner. The officer interviewed in retaliation to the song called ol' Bruce things like a "Fucking Dirtbag" and a "Floating Fag". He went on further to say that Bruce shouldn't have even written that song, since this is a time for healing for the families of Amandou Diallo and the officers, who are mounring his death as well. When Amandou Diallo's mother was interviewed regarding this developement, she said she was "very grateful" to Bruce for writing the song and that she's glad someone is doing something to "keep his memory alive". Interesting, no?

Once again, please excuse the lack of references and my not knowning the full title of the song, I'm doing all this from memory, not to mention I've been stewing on writing this node for about a week.

This editorial is part of patientfox's human rights node

Thank you for the correction Andar

Some tension I had been keeping broke in me today. Then this strong wise thing bubbled up joyfully and laughed at me and poked me in the ribs. Silly silly. Shut up about your walls and stuck places for once. So you have them? So, what? They don't matter here. Stop attaching all this signifigance to them.

She said it as I was watching an earthworm slink along the ground. The simplicity of that motion.

I take back all the tiresome anxious things I said. We both know me better than that. I don't doubt my senses anymore and I never doubted you in the first place. I won't ever ask you again. I don't need to hear you put it into words. I know I know I know. And thank you. :)

Well so far today has been relativly uneventful. It's also 11:00AM. Oh well.

Watched the last of eyes wide shut around 1:00am, hit the sack around 2ish. Slept until 10 (ick, just over 8hrs. of sleep!). That is a midly disturbing movie. Next on the list is A Clockwork Orange. Woke up with one of those headaches you get when you sleep too much.

Today i plan to mow the back lawn, had to stop yesterday because a peice of something got into my dust mask and caused a good ole fashioned choking fit and asthma attack. Oh well. Also want to have my girlfriend up here, and sit her down to watch The Shining. She hasn't seen that movie, and i'm afraid i may have to strap her to a chair and force her to watch it. Fun Stuff.
Had to start the day by asking my ex-wife for a favor. That's not cool. I needed her to watch one of our girls (we have two, one full custody a piece), because the babysitter is sick. She made it out like I was asking her to donate a kidney. Watching your own children should not be considered too much of a favor -- especially when I pay her child support even though we both have the same child care expenses.

A snippet of the conversation:

me: You do anything today?
her: No. What do you want?
me: Could you watch Henri?
her: Ohhhhh!! Come on. Why can't you take her to the babysitter?
me: Sue's (the babysitter) sick.
her: I hate when you do this. Why can't you find someone else?
me: You're her mother!
her: You're just doing this because you don't want to pay the babysitter. This is twice in two months now...
me: How many times have you dropped off Claire on short notice in the last two months (actual answer: 5)?
her: A few but that's different. Your sister's (she lives with me) around to help.
me: And why do you drop her off? (Actual answer: to go to the bar, which as a musician the ex can almost claim to be work -- if she visited more than one bar -- or at least one bar that had music occasionally.)
her: (realizing she's in a corner) Why isn't important.
me: So it's ok for you to drop Claire on me on short notice so you can go on a date, but me going to work and not being able to get a babysitter is a big problem?
her: LOOOONNNNNGGGG RANT about how hard her life is, and what an inconsiderate asshole I am.
me: I'm gonna go now. Watch her please.
exit me: without using a swear word directed at the ex.

As if my going to work, while she sits around her apartment (that I pay for) all day, somehow causes her harm. She's got no income other than what I pay her and her music money (total CD sales this month 3. It's been a good month for her). I knew I was marrying a musician but this is ridiculous. I thought I was lazy. Fuck scorn, hell hath no fury like a lazy woman given responsibility.

My dilemna, and the reason that I'm bitching here instead of at her, is simple. I refuse to take it out on my kids. I'm not gonna put them in the middle of parents who can't stand each other. I'm gonna take my fucking crow and eat it. 8chez and Resey (my chosen nicks for them) don't need to know how angry their mother's wasted potential makes me.

Hey if you read this far... wow!

In other news, they found water on Mars. They've got a picture that shows what appears to be a recent (

- | +

I ended my search for a job. I needed to find one that basically lets me set my own hours. There's not many jobs out there like that. Fortunately I found one. I'll be working part time at the library I worked at about two years ago. My father's immense amount of vacation time which he uses to take most the summer off and bring myself and my mother along to the cottage forces me to find a job with few hours and an ability to schedule them awkwardly. The job pays minimum, but I like the people, and hey, who knows if a hot library chick will walk in and save my repressed libido.

On a totally different note a bunch of my friends are graduating from high school tomorrow, including my cousin who is probably the closest thing to a soulmate I'll ever have. Its odd but I have more close friends from her class and her group of friends than from my own acquantainces in high school. So I'll be attending various graduation parties, and of course the actual event.
Which leads me to...
I was invited to my ex-girlfriend's graduation party this Sunday. I'm not any longer. Basically the two of us are too nosy and poke into one another's business, because we still kinda care a bit too much about one another despite everything. I had heard word that she cheated on her new boyfriend with a co-worker. I asked her how she could do something when she herself had extolled to me on numerous occassions about how badly it hurt when it happens to you. Anyways, she didn't like that I even knew about her promiscuity. So she vowed to not speak to me and uninvited me, as well as "my-so called friend who told you." She doesn't seem to get the fact that if she tells every girl she knows, that it just might spread. I don't get it, the girl is intelligent and was well-raised, but ever since I met her, she's begun a downspiral of moral degradation. And I'm a freak who cares too much so I end up being like a second father and scolding her for all sorts of things (mind you, she does the same to me, if I ever get close to doing domething she doesn't approve of, or something I formerly looked down upon). I wish she'd get it through her thick skull that when she gets caught doing something like that and the people she wants to keep it from, hear about it; perhaps she should vow to change her actions, rather than her friends, because they told someone else. Oh well.

I gotta learn to just let things go, and worry about my own shit. I became too much like my sister, and I presume we got it from my father.

I went over to Charmco after work to play AD&D with Eric today. His dad owns the place, he works there, it's right by downtown Painesville (Actually, it's more between Painesville and Fairport, but close enough), and most importantly, there's a pizza place nearby.

It's just the two of us playing, which is kinda tough on me, since tonight was my second session ever. My party consists of me, and a pair of NPCs played by Eric. One of them's a minotaur who doesn't speak Common, and the other is an elven wizardess loosely based on a character that Eric plays on a MUD we both frequent. She spends most of her time laughing at my ineptitude.

I like D&D, but it can be a bit frustrating at times. I spent an hour today arguing with a stupid blue goblin shaman about a magic ring that he claims his god gave to him. Argh!.

Also on the list of nifty things I did today, I upgraded to the latest version of Perl. Whee!.

Who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about?


Right on.

We saw Shaft (2000). Jackson as John Shaft looked way cool, and had confidence to spare. Roundtree as Shaft wasn't scared of a damn thing, either, but he had more cool, more of a laissez-faire attitude. Jackson was like a force of nature.

here's this bleeding-heart foo from Salon:
As the renegade cop hero, the nephew of Richard Roundtree's original Shaft, Samuel L. Jackson metes out justice with his fists and gun in a way that would appall me if it were Clint Eastwood dishing out the punishment. And yet, good liberal that I am, I have to confess that I loved "Shaft." ...... The brutality increases as the movie goes on and Singleton falls into the right-wing sensibility that action movies are prone to. "Shaft" says that the laws and courts and the restrictions on police protect the scum and that the only way to clean things up is for a lone man to break the rules. That's the malarkey that "Dirty Harry" peddled in the same year the original "Shaft" came out.<.small>


Other than that, we had sushi, and went to Barnes & Noble. I bought the O'Reilly book on System Performance Tuning with my LUG discount, yay, and realized once again that the coffee at B & N tastes like the tiles at the Baths of Caracalla. And they don't have soy. When I went up to the counter and waited some distance from the line to ask for it, this Yeti woman said "The lines starts over there." So I said "Yes, I see that the line is over there. Do you have soy milk?" And no, they don't. The fact that Starbucks employees receive better benefits than they do doesn't pluck the strings of my heart. All right, few things do, but that doesn't change the fact that nearly all of the B&N coffee bar brats are surly. Cut me a fucking twig:

1) I order a small, black coffee, not one of those mint mocha caramel frappucino nightmares, so it's not like I'm making the only person there jump through hoops with 7 people behind me in line. And so what if I did? If they want to market the shit out of those mocchiato monstrocities, they should goddamn well expect to make some of 'em.

2) I'm nice enough, but they don't thank me, or smile at me, or anything remotely resembling either. If you're that unhappy with your job, then get a different one. How oppressed are they? They make coffee (coffee that sucks), and they bake. Get a grip. Being rude to customers and acting like you're doing people a big-ass favor by doing your job does not pave the road to success.

Anyway. Now I'm at work. Someone took my fucking stapler again, so I lock it up in my drawer every night.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my locust ship is arriving.

For the sake of knowing what i have and not missing a drop, i am listening to all of my CDs this week, from one end of the rainbow to the other. Sometimes the transitions are jarring, and i have to ignore the "play this!" voice that's shouting out, i'm passing through all of the ones that i played over and over and never again. I wonder, is this me? The total of these? Could you build a sketch from these?

Tonight, walking down the street, i saw two beautiful girls walking with their arms around each other. One, in a fitted dress, is lovely and has a fine, neat moustache. The light is not bright enough, she passes too quickly, to see if it is real or painted on.

I lie and tell the committee that i have a headache, so i can work on the newsletter tonight. But i haven't worked on it yet, and it's after midnight. I have to check with my body: do you have a headache? response: i don't know. it could go either way. These are the drawbacks to flexibility. Am i in pain? depends what you call pain. Ah, no, never mind me. I can't download the newsletter materials because my housemate is on the phone, and she's laughing, she's talking to her future girlfriend. Perhaps. I'll node offline instead.

sensei said amazing things to me today. Perhaps it is cliché, but sensei is my Everything guru. I have of late.. well, i've been trying to want to cook for myself. I've always cooked for other people, and when it was just me, i scrounged: leftovers, peanuts, bread, whatever there was. Yet i would go to great lengths to cook for one other person. My subconscious hope (i draw it out as a pit from a peach) was that they would learn to see food as a medium of beauty, (i draw it out as a shiny fishhook lodged beneath my skin) was that they love it, and by extension, me. I guess every meal was a pleading. And i've never really cared whether i love me or not. Talk about a painfully honest website. What sensei said has been turning over in me since, and it makes each action require so much more intention. (my responses are approximated for continuity)

You are someone worth cooking for! Yay! And what you eat becomes you (which is why cooking is the highest art: you make your audience, they carry your art with them in their cells and marrow for seven years.) ...So what you cook and eat helps make you how you are for everyone you meet. So when you cook for yourself, you cook yourself for all of them.
That makes a heavy responsibility
Yes, everything that we do or don't do is our response to the world. "Responsibility".
it's easier to live thinking that some things don't count
No one is counting. But everything counts.
How we live is the only reason to live. Otherwise it is just eating and shitting and dying. But how we judge ourselves is often just the activity of a partial view.

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