June 10, 2002

Today I've been thinking a lot about my bed. Mostly due to the fact that it's hot and humid outside with a breeze catching off the Lake, and I've just been lounging around in it watching movies like Friday, The Wash, and Redneck Zombies.

There is no place I'd rather be than my bed. It's my entire universe.

I'm loved in my bed, I am not ignored, hated, or backstabbed. I am the creation and the destruction of the universe.

I can sleep, read, eat, smoke, drink, and laze around on hot summer days doing nothing but daydreaming.

Everything is Perfect when I am protected by pillows and covers. I can be strong or weak, melancholy or instantly happy.

My bed has always been my own, it's virginal, no one else has ever slept in it or shared it with me.

It has become my sanctuary away from the world.

I haven’t been feeling well lately, like since Wednesday.
I haven't been able to sleep well, been having disruptive dreams
I feel like as if I’m just going with the flow, nothing in life interests me.
I don’t want to do anything or see anyone.
I don’t know what to do with myself.
I feel disappointed with every aspect of my life, I have no idea what I’m going to do with myself in the next few years, and I can’t help but think about it. I can’t help the way I’m feeling. This despair.

I feel like a plastic bag floating in the ocean, just floating around, waiting to either kill a some kind of fish because it eats the plastic bag, or to be swept up on a beach and put in the bin, or some how sink to the bottom, either way, the plastic bag is not supposed to be there and nothing good can come of it being there. It was only put there by careless people who didn’t think what they were doing by not taking care of it properly.

I hate how I feel like as if I don’t belong in this world.

I seem to feel disappointed at everything, even when it isn’t warranted. I’ll see things that seem to be a disappointment when usually it probably wouldn’t be.
I know communication is important in a relationship, but how do you communicate to someone how you’re feeling, when you don’t understand it yourself. You just start talking out of your arse as I am now of the possibilities and explanations.

I know that because of the way I’m feeling I will notice more things that affirm what I’m feeling instead of the heaps of things that don’t. I know there is a lot more homework that I could have done in my time alone, but I question what is the point of it, if I’m not going to be able to practise the training I’ve learnt sufficiently.
An example of how I notice disappointing things that I wouldn’t normally is how I feel like he only misses me when he has nothing better to do and when he is alone, he doesn’t miss me as I do him when he is with others, so therefore he only wants to see me when he is bored and doesn’t have anything better to do. I know the real case is that he has the ability to put me at the back of his mind when he needs to, a skill I wish I had, a skill I’ve been practising by trying to get lots of work done and not see him, or speak to him much like I normally would by bothering him with my sms’, he probably didn’t notice that we hadn’t spoken for 42hrs.

I can just see myself in the future wanting to be away from everything for an un specified time, and not being able to because of the obligations of living with someone, until it gets too much and I’d have to separate from everyone for a while, until I’m ready to walk amongst the living again.

With the idea that I can’t do what I’m training to do, I’ll take little things that don’t work as a sign of my eventual failure. I fear that what I’m doing is just a waste of time and money and nothing helps.

I know that there is nothing he can do about it, which must be frustrating for him, nor do I believe though that there is anything that he should do about it, I believe that it is just the way that we are and an area for me to learn to cope with.

I guess I’m just jealous that he has friends that what to spend time with him, and do stuff, just out of the blue. I’m jealous that he has talents to create things like music and programs.

It is so annoying when we see each other so much and when we don’t see each other for a day or whatever, people ask what the matter is, fuck it shits me up the wall.

I don’t see how there is anything I can do to stop feeling this way, even though I know consciously there has to be.

Another Disappointment, my monitor that I had so much trouble getting fixed, just died again, a week out of its 6 months warranty that I had to push for. Of course.

I wonder if today, because he is home alone if it would seem to me that he is missing me more, I wonder while I’m at work if he’ll send more sms or even call than he has in the past few days, it would put weight to my delusions that he only misses me when he is alone, I doubt he has anything better to do, it is a public holiday, but yay double time for me at work.

Although I feel guilty when I don't send sms, or reply to sms's, especially when I'm at work, and I can't, I still wish to send sms's all the time, of just little things that are happening in my day, but I try to restrict myself cause I feel like sometimes I may be disrupting something that he is working on or doing.

I had the theory that the belief systems in my mind that have been instilled in me have lead me to believe that I’ll never be successful, I’ll never have some one, blah blah blah – all those types of negative things, therefore with out trying, I seem to find evidence to support these types of ideas, in the most littlest way, for example, I’ll walk out of a room and expect a sms from him when I come back, and I’ll do that all day long, but of course – all day long, nothing comes, oh maybe one, but never when I expect it, so it turns out to be a disappointment, and for no logical reason. This I know, but still can’t help it.

I don't do daylogs under my 'real' name, and some of this stuff is a little personal, so I'm keeping it non-specific. I'm just hoping that writing this will help me sort all this shit out in my own head

I've been involved with a girl for about 4 years now, We're an odd couple, but we get along really really well, despite our differences. She's a natural worrier, whereas I'm fairly free and easy, I'm a night owl, she's up and the crack of dawn and thinks that staying up til midnight is late, but that used to seem like one of the strengths of the relationship, she's always been a really calming influence on my personality, and seems to be the women that all my University friends insisted I needed to 'sort me out'.

She does a very stressful law degree, and over time she's become more and more focused on it, and less inclined to cut loose and have fun, all of which culminated in the physical side of the relationship has going to pot. I still want to, she doesn't, in fact sometimes she behaves like she doesn't want me in a 10 foot radius of her.

I went to see her and her folks for a week a while back, all was fine and dandy, bar the lack of sex, or anything approaching it. It was understandable for the first part of the week, time of the month and all, but afterwards she claimed she wasn't in the mood, which, in its way, is fine, but puts a bit of a downer on a bloke, and you start the wondering....

Is there anyone else ... Have I upset her in anyway ... Is it me, have I become insenstive/unattractive to her...
And so on and so forth

This all finished off with a drunken discussion/argument on the topic which ended up with both of us in tears, sparked by the usual 'Is it all worth it anymore' routine on her part. I'm petrified of the thought of breaking up with her, especially as she helped me out when my parents split, and is about the only semblence of a social life that I have, due hating my job and the city I'm in coupled with me being shit at keeping in contact with old friends. She claims she still loves me, but has started to think of me more as her best friend than anything else.

Just to cap it off I got flashed by a speed camera on my way home from hers, whilst doing 35 in a 30 zone - 14 days of waiting to see if I get a fine, points on my license and a fucking huge hike in my insurance bill. Just what I needed.

Any suggestions on how I can improve my life?

I should be at school. I should be in English right now and having lunch in less than 15 minutes. Instead, however, I'm sitting here typing on my Thinkpad and being quite sick.

One might ask why? I don't know. That's just the way things go, sometimes we get sick and can't do our routine. One might ask how did I become sick, and I can only say I'm not quite sure. I came back from Austin yesterday afternoon and had a huge headache (I am slightly prone to motion sickness) after rough landings and taking offs from a stop at Phoenix and again when I came back to Los Angeles.

Well, one might be curious as to ask, "what did you do in Austin?" I was at the NAQT Quiz Bowl Nationals. Our team didn't win, but we gained much interested from the student body to join, so I suppose it worked out alright. I really wish our team would have studyed harder. For the past month or so leading up to this weekend we had really sporatic meetings, AP testing and what not were getting in the way. Still, if we really wanted to study, we would have made time. *Sigh* Oh well, now we need to figure out who will be team captain for next year only 3 of the 8 of us are juniors.

We left on Sunday, after a night of walking in downtown Austin. It really does live up to its name of "Live Music Capitol of the World" though. My first interstate trip has also made me love Los Angeles a little bit more. The humidity in Austin was terrible although the fact that I live in the 2nd largest metropolitan area in the United States also made me rather surprised when they said what "rush hour" traffic was. There was hardly any cars at Austin International Airport and even less so on the city's main freeway, Interstate 35.

I guess I'll stop my 1st day log now. I'm getting a really bad headache and I have something I need to finish, I'm doomed. It's the last week of school.

yeah, it's one of those days.
fuck.
Yesterday I had a wonderful time with my friends.
I saw Emily. That alone would be reason for goodness.
We got to connect.
And then shit went bad.

It turns out through my annoyingly paranoid mother, she's gathered a rough approximation of what happened. And of course, that lead to shouting and threatening and blah blah blah. There's gonna be a lot of that when I quote her (if i quote her) because quite frankly i don't give a shit about her input on the matter.

I'm 14. Almost (not quite) 15. She'll be 18 soon. So of course, she's the one that's too old and too corrupting (despite the fact that she's a virgin), and that any contact we'll have will *always* lead to sex. I love her, and i've seriously missed not being able to see her for the past several months... Must've been March since mom decided to "give her a chance" (meaning: paranoidly and suspiciously evaluate her, compare her to this golden "Standard of A Wonderful Girl For Mason" and blah blah blah) and let me see her. I got to see her three times. Once for less than 1/2 an hour. We met on the net; she lives not even half an hour away. Mom seems to feel that anyone I meet on the net is instantly a horrible sexual deviant child pornographer, and, of course, no man or woman i meet on the street is that way.
naivete and paranoia in equal doses.
doses, how ironic.
Of course, anything we do physically is seen as a 'corrupting-the-youth' style event. Mom came down the stairs and she was laying on top of me (both of us on our backs; we were watching TV); not as anything sexual -- just to be close to one another (we had seen each other a few times last year -- around this time of the year, really. I lost computer use for the summer and generally got royally pissed off. When I got the computer back we started talking again and I realized that I really was in love with her.) This was something Mom didnt like -- it obviously meant sex!
And of course, my father walked in when we were doing something else.
And I'm posting this here because the community'll not be able to see me for a while, probably.
Because my family doesn't understand; I don't know exactly how it happened, but they are so incredibly narrow-minded that they can't see happiness.

Emily, I love you. I wish I'd've been able to tell you to your face one more time.

Mom, since I know you'll read this, blah blah blah. You didn't want me daylogging anymore. I obeyed most of the time. You consistently insult this community when you don't understand it. You need to get over your fear of everyone that uses the internet -- you use it too. Stop congratulating yourself and your ability to Fight the Evilness That Is Emily. She's a nice girl and she doesn't deserve the difficulties you're throwing at her constantly, with this "you can see him -- no you can't" bullshit. We'll see each other in three years, and in the interrim, you can do what you want to me but I'll do what I can to see her again.
Congratulations, you're so stuck in your ways that you're alienating your relatives. Hooray. I'll throw a party for you. You need to realize that I am growing up. Regardless of what you want to think or do. I'm going to experience the world on my own terms, and however much you want to shield me from things i'll eventually find it. You seem to think that everything I do is about sex -- claiming that you "were young once". Maybe you were a robot or empty-headed bimbo growing up or maybe you don't remember it now but it's fully possible to love someone at this age. And regardless of your experience, people are. People now don't care about people then. Deal with it.

---

I'm really gonna miss you guys...

UPDATE! As one can see, I'm not banned from the computer. Though I am banned from sseeing her. Which is worse, trust me.

I work at a hotel. As a night clerk. At the reception desk. One night a week. On Mondays.

It's 11:30 pm. Two guests walk in. One I know and wish I didn't. I recognize the other as his friend.

—Hey! How ya doing? It's me again! From last week! Remember me?

Of course I remember you. You were the one that made a point of finding out my first name so you could call me by it. You were the one who threw a tantrum about having to pay for your room.

—Good to see you again, sir! How are you?

—You know those two girls down the hall from me?

I haven't the faintest idea which females have the misfortune of being talked about by you this time.

—Girls down the hall from you, sir?

—They work really hard. Heh, if you know what I mean. I think they're, uh, escorts.

Oh God, we're taking about `know' in the biblical sense then.

— (blink) You, uh, do?

—Yeah. Can you, uh, get me their number?

Do I fucking look like a pimp, you bastard? Oh wait, I left my fucking purple hat and gold chains under the fucking desk!

—I'm afraid not, sir, I don't have their number.

—Oh come on. They're staying here, right? You got to have their number. Here, give me that booking schedule and let me look.

— (blink) Have a look if you want, sir. Their number isn't on there.

Nor are their names. See, they're staying in a semi-permanent apartment. And I don't even rent those. Go ask my boss, pervert.

—Let's see... Simone! That could be one of their names!

Illiterate asshole.

—No sir, that's Siemens.

—Siemens? What kind of a name is that?

His friend, silent until now, pipes up. —He means the company, Siemens. They probably have some contractors staying here.

—Well, I don't want their number! I'm not a fag, ha ha!

—Indeed, sir.

What Would Jeeves Do?

—Come on, get me their number. You got to have it somewhere. I'll give you these five euros if you get me their number.

—I'd be glad to help you, sir,...

...I lied, starting to steam slightly,...

...but I simply don't have their number.

He started to wave the five-euro bill in my face.

—Come on! I'm sure you have it somewhere! Look again! ...etc.

After five minutes of this:

—I guess I can put this money back in my wallet then.

—I guess you can, sir.

—You really don't have their number?

—I really don't have their number. Why don't you ask my boss tomorrow if it's that important to you.

—No! Don't tell your boss. All this is just between the two of us. Uh, the three of us. Ya got a girlfriend?

Come again? Maybe if I mumble short answers you'll go away.

—No.

—Ya like women?

—They're okay.

—So, no woman for you tonight either, huh?

—Guess not.

—Ya like fucking?

Now this is getting weird.

—You're asking a really personal question. Now if you'll please leave, I'm about to close the hotel.

A lie; it doesn't close until twelve, but he doesn't know that. And even if he tries to call my bluff, they won't care if I knock off work twenty minutes early. There aren't any rooms left to rent.

—Yeah, okay, okay. See you next week.

I hope not. God, am I underpaid.

He puts his hand out to shake. I shake it. He's missing half of his index finger. I shake his friend's hand. They leave. I close the hotel. The moment I get on my bike to go home it starts pouring rain without any warning. After the twelve-minute ride I'm soaked to the bone.

→ T E H     E N D... ←

...for now

Ack! I forgot to softlink this for a full twelve hours! Oh well. TEH END. Really.