Yesterday I did something I tell myself I'm going to do. I went through my drafts and started deleting them. I wish I could remember where I started, but I kept it up until I had fewer than 700. Last night was bizarre. Every night I have incredible anxiety. I usually don't recognize it, the feeling is a compulsion to get out of the house and buy something, food, things for the girls, I missed them dreadfully last night so I bought them some pillows that I don't really like today. I hate feeling like that and I'd really like to know what's behind it. If I had to guess, even though I'm divorced and I haven't seen my dad in over a year, I think some part of my brain is subconsciously aware of the time and is preparing me for the moment when someone walks through the door and starts in on me. A couple days ago I was writing about this guy who has anxiety. It helps me to put that kind of thing on someone else, but it's not quite the same thing as dealing with it myself.
A girlfriend of mine called. I had a good chat with her. I listened to old music, I love the girl bands like Destiny's Child who sing songs like Bills, Bills, Bills. It really states what I went through, and unfortunately I know other people who can relate. A couple days ago my cousin and I were talking about players who might get traded. He made a joke about Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitzki going to the Twins in a straight up deal. Last night Tulo really did get traded, he went to the Blue Jays for anothers shortstop and some prospects. Twitter was buzzing with the news, as I said yesterday I don't even care if the trade rumors are real, I just like the drama. I was in a pretty good mood since I took a vitamin B, it's a trick to take it soon enough and not too late at night. I love times like that when people are funny and you learn more about the game, its players, the Front Ofiice types, and my friends. I picked up some new followers, some hockey guy who loves soccer was talking to me, that was really random, but I really enjoy watching soccer so I followed him and others in a reckless moment of following abandon. I don't like doing that, but last night I was a bit out of control.
A couple years ago I helped a guy find better footwear. Last night I realized I hadn't heard from him in a while, he sent me a text and the conversation went downhill fast after I realized what he wanted. It was a sobering moment for me as I went through a spectrum of emotions. I'm a flirt and sometimes that leads to things I don't want to online. Yesterday this guy sent me a 'Hey cutie pie' message. I didn't mind that. I like that guy, I think he's really open and honest about who he is and he was very polite and courteous. He asked how I was doing, he asked how my weekend went, and cut the conversation off when he realized it wasn't going further. If we were closer I would go out with him, but right now I'm not ready to take that next step. It was flattering to receive that kind of attention. One of the things I liked about him was how he said I had rapidly become one of his favorite people on Twitter. That was a very smooth and elegant compliment. My other acquaintance wasn't so smooth and I wondered what I had said or done to make him think I wanted anything like that from him.
Another friend of mine said that he needs to be more aggressive about sending out resumes. He's another person I'd like to go out with, but the last time I talked to him he had a girlfriend and I don't really want to ask if she's still with him. I had a chat with another friend about boundaries. I've had crushes on guys who are older than I am so I can understand how my footwear client probably feels. I told him I really needed a guy to take me out and get to know me better before we went where he was suggesting we go. It was an awkward conversation, I really don't like the idea of guys who could call me mom, he said he's wanted to talk to me for a while so maybe this would have happened eventually, but I feel responsible in the sense that he felt like he could approach me with something like this. It was flattering for about two seconds, but he's going to grow up and realize that he wants more than a late night virtual booty call and no way in hell am I going to make myself that vulnerable in a day and age where screen shots are so easy to capture.
Today I'm going to go to the library. I'm going to take a short walk and do some yoga. I made oatmeal for breakfast before I realized that I'm out of bananas. I need to find something that helps with the anxiety that isn't a pill or shopping. I bought some Epsom salts and baking soda last night. Baths really help. Essential oils help, having friends to talk to helps me, even when they end up being kids who are half my age. That was a problem that I know how to handle. I've been on both sides of it and hopefully we still respect each other today. I'm not mad at him, I actually kind of admire his chutzpah, but I really hope that's an isolated case and I'm not getting an online reputation I don't want and I don't feel like I deserve. I know a lot of my anxiety stems from dealing with my ex and parents for so long. I feel like I'm on speed today. I hate feeling like this, but I'm stringing a few things together to form a plan, and action helps ground and center me. This too shall pass.