The last two days have been amazing; I didn't sleep at all
, but learnt a lot about life. It's true when they say that you can't learn it from books
, but from people.
First of all, I broke a record: I didn't sleep for 46 hours. Strangely enough, I was still in very good shape, I could probably prolong the state, I didn't do it because there really wasn't any point...
I've learnt so much.... I learned that to try to "curtir" a girl (I don't know the expression in english but it means to play sexually, without actually having sex with a girl, a sort of innocent one-night-stand) is a bit stupid, because, as she said, you don't care about her, just about her body. You don't care about her emotions, what she thinks about anything. On the other hand, it is a very satisfying thing to do (I guess), and it solves a lot of emotional, internal problems (and I really need human touch).
Another thing I learned is that perhaps it's also stupid to try and "win" the girl over, perhaps it's better if you just let things evolve, without any artificial acts: if you are really made for each other, things will eventually happen. On the other hand, what if that person who is made for you never shows up? You want to end up with a lot of good friends ? :)
I also learned that human relations are a bitch; you really hurt yourself and others in them. For example, how many times have you listened to someone you love, not really listening to them, and thinking to yourself: "I love you so much, but we can never be more than friends..". It hurts like hell; it's hurting me right now as I remember that...
I also learned that isolation is the last thing you want. You just end up getting your head full of shit, just suffering.
I'm also a bit mad with myself, I'm so shy!! Not with the people I trust, but with people I don't know. It really sucks, because lots and lots of time I meet someone who is so great, but because of this fucking subconscious thing, I can't talk as I wanted to, because I don't yet feel comfortable with him/her... I think it's because I got a bit hurt during my childhood and teens, and now I don't trust anyone immediately, like I have to be sure they won't betray me.
I also learned (unfortunately I forget this one too much) to *just* *be* *myself*. How many times do I have to say this? I have to stop being embarrassed of myself; I have to start loving myself. Not in the selfish kind of way, but in the purest way: to like myself. I don't like the word "accept" because it's like you've got a bad meal, and just conform to it. No, it's more than that; you have to like yourself, to joke with yourself, to love the way you are. And that means to be my-fucking-self here at E2 aswell!
What else did I learn... I don't know... that I have to do some changes in my life, like studying here in my hometown instead of Evora. Because it is here where I'm comfortable, where I have my friends, were I'm not ashamed of being myself.
VIVA A VIDA!