these are the reasons i am
salty right now:
(be forewarned that this is a completely self-indulgent rant, so much bile spewed out and reformatted into nice ascii characters after a night of too much smoking and pacing and gnashing of teeth)
no money equals no food equals that
cold, horrifying feeling in my stomach and the resultant mood of
weariness and
irritability. and i could very well eat
top ramen, but i have six packages and nineteen days until payday, thus it makes sense to space it out a little more. i also have
noodles and a tiny bit of rice and
curry sauce and a very old potato and onion but, again, i don't want to use them up too hastily. not to sound
fatalistic, i'm sure that i'll find a way to resolve the situation. it just makes me feel
unnerved.
i want a dog.
i keep catching the imagined scents of
cheese fries and
pizza and the thai rice i ate yesterday which i know full well to be gone, the bowl washed and put into the dishwasher, increasing my general
pissiness because i am
spoiled and disdain wanting what i cannot have.
the children next door have, for the past few days, been
let out to play at 9am, at which time i mostly like to be
asleep, as i tend to stay up well into tomorrow every day and not rise until afternoon or near then.
i have to go to
work tomorrow and work on my other 'job' while i am there, which vexes me because the first job pays five hundred dollars a month and the second i will not get paid for at all until such time as i track down my
faculty and force her to provide the proper budget codes and sign my
employee action form.
i lack the concentration to write or respond to emails or node anything interesting or even read a goddamn book for more than half an hour without feeling the urge to go outside and
smoke another cigarette.
the phone keeps ringing and it's never for me.
my room is a mess and i need to buy drawers and a
filing cabinet like apparatus, but can't because.. well..
i can't find my extra checks, which means i also can't find my extra
checkbook register, so i feel a sense of impending doom every time i remember it's been at least a week since i balanced my checkbook and i have only one check left in there.
my
phone bill is due soon and likely to be expensive as they charged me something like
10 cents a minute last month.
i'm getting anxious
waiting for things to end and get out from underneath the responsibilities of remaining in one place and dutifully aquiescing to the demands of
scholastic life and the resulting frustration and poverty.
and i feel that even once i graduate with my
bachelor's of whatever, i won't have the skills to get myself a decent job and will be doomed to do
low-paying tech support work for huge mindless corporations the rest of my life.
i'm struggling against the recurring delusion that because i know many people who are
wealthy software geeks, i myself must be a wealthy software geek and hence have no reason to curb my expenditures on things like cigarettes and drinks and eating out.
i don't know where my
stock certificate is, but it's refusal to show up is increasingly distressing.
i'm fucking tired of
sitting around the house all day, but lack the
ingenuity/
motivation/
energy to formulate a list of other potential activities.
i wish i had some
candy.
all of the above, except perhaps for the bit about the dog, is my fault and my own doing and the result of my own
at times unbelievable stupidity. and i want to smack myself around because i ought to know better and in truth i do know better, but rather than face the familiar fear that accompanies a
tight financial situation, i am inclined to ignore it until it becomes impossible to do so. what makes me most upset is that i cannot justifiably complain about any of this, because all of it is a
natural result of my own
action or inaction.
sigh.