Everything Day Logs
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Everything Snapshot

Time: Wed, 26 Jul 2000 00:03:29 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) Debian/GNU mod_perl/1.21_03-dev
Number of nodes: 624525 (1323 new since July 25, 2000)
Number of users: 17154 (40 new since July 25, 2000)
Number of links: 2576504 (20919 new since July 25, 2000)

Node to user ratio: 36.407 nodes per user
Link to node ratio: 4.126 links per node
Link to user ratio: 150.198 links per user

New Nodes: [disk galaxy] [Everything dream] [I do not like the radio man.] [Maureen Dowd] [Donut Pond] [July 25, 2000] [homecoming] [Things you will rarely, if ever, hear...] [WARNING: This site contains language.] [The coolest commercial i have ever seen] [echolalia] [lightyear] [Noding IP addresses] [Whoever invented dynamically allocated IPs should be shot] [I knew I couldn't build a cat]

Users Online (33): [sensei] [Deborah909] [Tem42] [Uberfetus] [hatless] [ophie] [eric+] [binarydreams] [icicle] [Electricsound] [Gamaliel] [Wyclef] [Ereneta] [Tristin] [pealco] [Zari] [Yablo] [freeborn] [Ulysses] [junkpile] [chaosmind] [mcc] [siren] [Muke] [simonc] [Mike626] [Kazeryu] [amiawakeyet] [Ater] [Kleptileptic] [KetsuYa] [beevs] [RAHercules]

JeffMagnus node count: 3882 (2 new since July 25, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience: 8443 (30 more since July 25, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 2.175 XP per node
JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.622%
JeffMagnus node of the day: http://slashdot.msn.com/

Yesterday | Dizzy->Day_Logs() | Tomorrow


08:50 BST

Summer has decided to make an appearance today, prompting intense hayfever. (Why do I always have to find something wrong with anything?)

I have to set up a complete UCM clearcase and clearquest database. My head is swimming with strange terminology - Development Streams and Integration Streams, Database schemas, views and VOBs, processes and change requests.

There's no one from my project in the office yet, normally everyone's in by 8am. This makes me worried: Do they know something I don't?

Please Stop Annoying me guy just turned up, wearing the same black shirt and black jeans. He asks whether I'm OK after my sick day yesterday. Now he's ranting about feverfew and headache cures now. Argh!

10:45 BST

I want to paint a big sign saying "FUCK OFF! I am working" and put it by my desk. If people would stop asking me questions, I could get on with my work. It's times like this I pray for an office with a door, instead of an open plan desk layout.

12:50 BST

We've had a group email from our General Manager telling us that shorts and "T-Shirts with inappropriate logos" are not allowed to be worn on the premises. Thus the whole of lunch was taken up with discussion on this policy. It seems that workplace attire at geek jobs is a thorny subject - the general feeling was that if management want us to buy a whole new Smart Casual wardrobe, they can bloody well give us the money to do so.

I am going to look for another job; this company seems to be more interested in talking rather than doing...

19:10 BST

A rare afternoon. A productive afternoon. I have traumatised myself by being a good corporate bunny.

I sent an email asking whether management could provide a dress code as there wasn't one in HR's rulebook. I was snapped at by my manager - it turns out that he's dead set against casual clothes at work. (I only found this out after the email, of course)

I walked home in the sun, wondering at the people in their overheated cars driving dangerously and cutting each other up. What's so important that you need to risk your life to get to it 37 seconds earlier?

On the way home, I passed an older woman with two small children. I smiled as they passed; they were laughing happily as they skipped and chased each other down the path. The woman scowled at me - I felt like shouting "Look! I am allowed to smile at children's laughter, aren't I?"

Mental Note: Buy some cool postcards from the New Forest or maybe Winchester.

17:35 (GMT +10:00) Sydney
Hmm.. I am currently sitting on hold to the Australian Taxation Office (or ATO as it is more affectionatly known). Why? Because I ticked the box on my tax return that said "I want my money put straight into my account", and then forgot the fill in my account details! *slap* Oh well, 7 minutes and counting. I wonder if I'll get through before I finish writing this node?

Oh well - today has been a mixed bag. I went and picked my car up from the garage this morning (even got up at the correct time, and didn't get lost on the way (see yesterday)

Oops - got through to the ATO, only 10mins on hold - thats got to be some kind of record. Apparently they will send my out a cheque, and it shouldnt slow down the processing - cool
but they did charge my $200 more than I was expecting - so now I have no money again. No suprises there. Looks like I'm hitting the parents up again. I really don't like doing that - but I've got no choice, as I can't live on no money. That was the good thing about university - if I ran out of money I could pretty much live on nothing for a week until I got more money. No such luck in the real world :P

Of course having no money for (lemme see) 18 days doesn't work at all - so I went and worked some magic at the ATM and made my cheque account cough up and extra $300 over drawn. That covers

  • 1 speeding fine
  • rent
  • petrol/food/smokes for a while
    So, I've got left
  • 1 speeding fine
  • Rental on fridge/telly/video
  • Food and petrol for 2 1/2 weeks
    to pay for. Hmmmm.... now I see why I was going to have to borrow money of my parents.

    Well this does give me a good excuse to cut back on my smoking again (maybe even give up? unlikely - damn nicotine).

    Nothing much else very interesting happened today

    This seems to be the story of my life at the moment....
  • 15:39 EET

    My 300th writeup!
    Don't worry, I'll save the big celebration for the day I reach 500. After working like an ant yesterday, I haven't gotten any guilty consciense about spending the workday noding. So many synthesizers, only 10 fingers...

    The weather has been absolutely brilliant. The Finnish Noders reading this probably want to lynch me now, but I've really enjoyed not sweating like a pig after a long while of extreme heat. I was even able to keep all my psychedelic lamps on last night, without the fear of overheating. Furthermore, waking up this morning to feel comfortable instead of boiling was too good to describe.
    All good things must come to an end however - the weekend is predicted to be like an unusually hot day in hell again. So, I'd better enjoy the chillyness while I can.

    A brand new soul from Finland got swallowed by Everything2 addiction today.. Welcome, norev! ;)


    20:58 EET

    My dear friend Masa came over and we decided some pot would go well with Soul Calibur. But shortly afterwards he received a call from his girlfriend telling she had forgotten her keys and needed him to open the door to their apartment. So my friend left, and I'm all alone and stoned. Oh well, things could be much worse. :)

    Maybe it's the weed that made me realize I use way too much hard links. I wonder if I could get any help for that in the E2 Rehab Center. (The linking, that is!) Maybe not.


    Today's Writeups:
  • Korg MS-10
  • Korg MS-20
  • Korg MS-50
  • Korg SQ-8
  • Korg SQ-10

    Nodekeeping:
  • Finland Metanode
  • Matti Nykänen
  • 10:04 Eastern Daylight Savings Time.

    No weird side effects from Stacker2 today, woohoo. Metabolism pills totally rule.

    My parents are back from Quebec. See Quebec and also walking around the house naked to see how I utilized my freedom. :)

    New phone lines are being installed up at my fraternity house down at school. This is good, since it gives us Ethernet! If anything is missing out of my room when I get back, though, there'll be hell to pay.

    Insomnia reigns supreme.

    Looks like it's movie night tonight. We're prolly renting Hoosiers, and all is good. Gene Hackman rocks your world.

    2.5 days left at ye olde summer job, and all my code is finally integrated into the system. Now it's all over but the shouting...and the documentation...

    Blowjobs rule.

    << week | July 25, 2000 | July 26, 2000 | July 27, 2000 | week >>

    Everything's Best Users Snapshot

    
       #   Users                   XP   wa7   inc Level   l_XP l_wa7
        
       1   Pseudo_Intellectual  20510   146   169    11  20341   142
       2   EDB                  20017     1     0     1  20017     1
       3   DMan                 18379   110   140     9  18239   105
       4   dem bones            15996    59    38    11  15958    62
       5   Segnbora-t           13437   107   120    10  13317   105
       6   Saige                13116    76    23    11  13093    85
       7   sensei               10985   124   132     7  10853   123
       8   dannye               10703   108   134     9  10569   104
       9   tregoweth             9712    54    34    10   9678    57
      10   pukesick              9587    10    13    10   9574     9
      11   Deborah909            9118    53    62    10   9056    51
      12   ideath                8895    65    98     8   8797    59
      13   Lometa                8743    71    49     9   8694    75
      14   JeffMagnus            8538    92   104    10   8434    90
      15   Tem42                 8413    78    98     8   8315    75
      16 * knifegirl             8316    62   159     9   8157    46
      17 - N-Wing                8207    17     5     9   8202    19
      18 * yossarian             8182    48    83     9   8099    42
      19 - /dev/joe              8179    60    54     8   8125    61
      20   Jet-Poop              7947    16     4     9   7943    18
        
      21   jessicapierce         7506    -7   -15    10   7521    -6
      22   moJoe                 7504    44     2    10   7502    51
      23   bozon                 7341    46     6     9   7335    53
      24   pingouin              7339    22    24     9   7315    22
      25   ModernAngel           7293    33     6     9   7287    37
      26   General Wesc          7148    31    12     9   7136    34
      27   hoopy_frood           7070    48    81     8   6989    43
      28   Sylvar                6847    69    74     7   6773    68
      29   juliet                6665    55     1     9   6664    64
      30   hamster bong          6465    83   118     6   6347    77
      31   Templeton             6345    76   110     6   6235    70
      32   novalis               6183    13     3     9   6180    15
      33 * Uberfetus             5854    43    72     6   5782    38
      34 - alex.tan              5839    42    14     7   5825    47
      35   sabre23t              5776    50    58     7   5718    49
      36   bitter_engineer       5486    45    61     8   5425    42
      37   wharfinger            5320    44    25     6   5295    47
      38   nine9                 5202    20     1     9   5201    23
      39   RockLobster           5057     3     0     9   5057     3
      40   yam                   5027     7     4     7   5023     7
      41   kessenich             4864    19    15     9   4849    20
      42   ariels                4849    25    34     8   4815    23
      43   Orange Julius         4849    63    84     7   4765    59
      44   Dis                   4651    53    42     6   4609    55
      45 * CaptainSpam           4644    39    75     9   4569    33
      46 - Lord Brawl            4635    42    44     8   4591    42
      47   knarph                4519    26    40     9   4479    24
      48   Sarcasmo              4489     8    17     8   4472     6
      49   mat catastrophe       4453    62    68     7   4385    61
      50 * prole                 4432    40    91     6   4341    32
      51 - themusic              4390    32    34     8   4356    32
    
       *   EBU #51               4390    44    49     *   4341    43
     

    Server time: 14:22 Wed Jul 26 2000 UTC, corrected since June 29, 2000

    * = users rising up in the EBU; - = users falling down in the EBU
    l_ = last (previous) value; inc = increase in stats value
    wa7 = ((stats + (6 * l_wa7))/7) = weighted average with denominator 7

    sabre23t: Random Nodes

    Update July 30, 2000. This looks like to be the last Everything's Best Users Snapshot I'll post in a while ... more ...

    wednesday morning

    sad. the man leaves for las vegas today. i will spend my days worrying about him until he gets back.

    watched the boiler room last night. a big swinging dick movie. not my choice but i wound up liking it. funny thing though at one point, the main character (a broker), is arrested by the fbi and asked for information so the firm can be busted. he is told to go back to work and upon receiving a call from them he is to "back up your C drive on a floppy". hee hee.

    rain but i don't mind. i'm in a mood for it.

    i have a new bit of stuff to do at work. should be fairly easy to accomplish if i can motivate myself to start. it's one of those things that the people i work with think is difficult to do. it isn't. i could probably finish it within an hour or two. usually i make these projects last a few days. i feel bad for it. everyone here thinks i'm a damned fine employee. i wonder what they would think of me if i pumped this stuff out as fast as i could? either they'd think i was wonder woman or they'd realize just how simple it really is. the latter, most likely.

    but then i start to wonder if this is just my sense of self-loathing talking. the people i work with are more than competant to fairly judge the work i do. given the recognition i have earned at work over the past few months, they think i'm doing good solid work. but then again...

    anyhoo, enough rambling thoughts.

    more later...

    1 Corinthians 13

    wednesday afternoon

    had lunch today! hard times vegetarian chili with everything but spaghetti. i hate spaghetti noodles. if offered a plate of spaghetti and sauce i'll turn it down. if offered a plate of spiral noodles and sauce, yum. dunno what it is about spaghetti.

    at lunch, i ran into four people i went to high school with. i didn't have much in common with them then and it's only gotten more obvious with time. two of them are now teachers, one works at the board of education, and one works at a grocery store while she's finishing up college. the one still in college lives near by. she gave me her phone number. of the group i ran into, she was deffinitely the one i got along with best in school. but...

    i have finally admitted to myself and accepted the fact that i am a solitary person. i have only a very few friends (juliet, my sister, my mother, and my boyfriend). i used to feel bad about this. like i was doing something wrong and should have a lot of friends. but the truth of the matter is that there are only a very small number of people i can be around without feeling like i'm forcing myself to be someone i'm not. there are very few people i trust completely. if i don't trust someone completely i don't want to bother with them at all. not even as an occasional aquaintance.

    while standing outside the restaurant filling these ladies in on the details of my life that they asked about, i felt... forced. contrived. like i was giving them my resume to skim.

    i gotta admit that part of my discomfort with the situation was the reminder that at one point i was a small-town girl. in a school where everyone knew the troubles my family was having. these people, way back when, felt sorry for me more than anything else. i still resent them for that.

    wednesday evening

    i am terribly sad. i came home from work praying the man had missed his plane or decided not to go. no such luck. no note. no indication that he'd been here except for the web browser he left open to his flight schedule (bah!). just an empty apartment. i'm angry and bitter because i feel abandoned and not wanted right now.

    i'm sure i'm being quite retarded but i am fully prepared to admit that i have little control over my emotions and they tend towards the extreme. that's me. it's how i've always been. it's not pms. it's me.

    talked things over with a friend. i kinda hurriedly got off the phone with him because i saw the voicemail message light blinking. i was hoping it'd be from the man. no such luck. while talking to my friend he accidentally hung up. while i was trying to call him, he called me and left a message saying "hang up, i'm calling you". sigh.

    yes. i know i'm pathetic.

    Driving down to work from the foothills, saw a sign
    that there's going to be a controlled burn not
    far from my house... while approaching a hill,
    saw a puff of smoke at the top. I assumed it was
    the exhaust from a car ahead of me and I slowed
    slightly, but when I hit the crest of the hill
    saw that there was no one ahead for miles;
    the smoke was coming from the underbrush at
    the side of the road. I did not stop to investigate.

    Dad called last night and we made plans to get together for lunch next week. Number Two Son will go home with him for a visit with the gradnparents. Dad wants to see the 100+ pictures my cousin John e-mailed of the Family Reunion. Isn't technology amazing! He said he was surprized at how many of our family have jobs in the computer industry. I've almost got him convinced to at least let me set up an e-mail account. (WOOHOO!!The handle he comes up should be interesting seeing as he's cowboyed and been a fly boy!) I explained to him he could check and print out his e-mail from the library. He's the youngest of 6 sisters and one brother (spoilt rotten by all those sisters!) who are all online and have been bugging me to beg him to get a computer. This may be a compromise he'll like.

    Taking a short break on the art nodes
    *sighs*
    all those nodes and I'm still number 13 on sabre23t's Everything's Best Users Snapshot. One day!! I'll be an Avatar.

    Back To School is a difficult time of year for me. I want to get out there and get classroom supplies, fill out my attendance lists, jazz up the bulletin boards. I have to accept that I am not able to teach, but it is sopainful and difficult to give a dream. I'm calling Vocational Rehab today and telling them I would like to apply for a job as an Airline Reservationist for American Airlines. I think it would be a good job for me, a lot of repetitive work which doesn't require a whole lot of short term memory work or concentration I would think.

    Faith is Accepting Loss

    Lord when doubts fill my mind, when my heart is in turmoil, quiet me and geive me renewed hope and cheer.
    - Psalm 94:19

    God's reason is reward for my faith.

    Devotion

    You know those horrid people who call you up and ask if you'd like to take a survey. Soon enough i'll be one of them. Since i'm in desperate need of money to buy school books i have sunk to the lowest level: telesurveyor. The only thing that made today in any way okay was that its raining. Glorious rain.

    My last day log/My next day log

    gah! gah! gah!

    Where I am it's about 2:50 p.m. right now

    oh.... this anonymous honesty...

    Only two more days of this job left. Thank god. If I worked here for two much longer, I would become even more horribly addicted to this place.
    As usual, I'm not doing much at work. Except for fretting.

    On Sunday I saw my ex-boyfriend, my first real relationship. The first time I'd seen him in... almost a year, and the first time I'd really talked to him since we broke up (for the second time), almost two years ago.
    He drove to my house. We talked for a while. Smoked a joint, which was good because I was nervous. But also strange, because I don't think we'd ever done that together before.

    Actually, the night was great. We talked about stuff I'd been meaning to bring up for too long. He had wanted to see me before I moved away, and I had wanted to see him too.

    We tried to watch a movie, and failed. We got close again. He told me I smelled the same. He felt the same.

    The body remembers.

    I know it wouldn't work out between us if we were to try it again. He - I don't know if he knows that. Christ, we've already been down that road twice. I was the one who got hurt in both cases though.

    He left a message for me yesterday, and I called him today. I just hung up with him. He's coming over tonight, and I'm nervous. I'm not sure if I'm getting in over my head.

    What will I do tonight, before he gets to my house? Pace restlessly, nibble on snacks. Try and read. Try and figure out what I'm going to say to him, or whether I should say anything. Remember not to lose myself.

    Slept very soundly last night, due perhaps to the one-hour long nap with her from 10 till 11. Then I was up for another half-hour, then doing the ritual of cleaning, and then i was back in bed.

    I was deluded by a page from the boss this morning that I would be alone in the office; however, he is here. The rest of the team is gone offsite, playing with a broken server or something.

    Despite the good sleep, I am feeling unduly drab. There is nothing bothering me, I am just not getting excited by anything.

    I am contradicting a write up that I made earlier today by pounding a coffee in order to feel better. I know it's bad, but I would rather be punch drunk from coffee than sleepy and blah.

    I'm attempting to not ritualistically downvote people as often; perhaps it's just that I am having trouble getting enthused enough to exert that type of emotion.


    An hour later, the coffee is making me slaphappy, and i am back to being abusive in the Chatterbox and downvoting like mad.

    PS: Thanks for the downvote!

    Las Vegas
    1200

    It is so searingly hot here that my shins felt burned from walking against the hot air, and I worried about my tattoo while walking short distances. It was not this hot last year this time, because I arrived the day after the floods. Yesterday it was 110 degrees. I've been to Africa, and it wasn't nearly this hot. It is no longer "It's Africa hot"; now "It's Vegas hot."

    Flight to Dallas/Fort Worth: communist-like hand out of AA "snack." Thanks. Blood sugar dropping. Seatmate on the window side was a genial white male, mid-twenties, with a University of Colorado binder. "Hey, how you guys doin'?" I spent most of the brief layover in line for a regular coffee, behind the people desiring double-caf, skinny grande lattes or whatever. "No, two shots of espresso." Look, goober - the world does not revolve around you and your fucking lattes. So I didn't really get time to eat.

    Flight to Las Vegas: Rold Gold pretzels and a ginger ale. I weep for Santiago and curse the marines! No, wait - I cursed American Airlines and weeped for myself. Something like that. Our seatmate on the window side was a good ol' boy from Plano, a white male in his late twenties who was also going to Black Hat, and who wanted to talk. Y was the middle seat, and the default buffer while I read Mike Nelson's book Movie Megacheese. Y suffered through an inane, repetitive conversation about the O'Reilly C book. I kept reading in peace. I did not take out my laptop on either leg. In fact, I read and finished Fight Club from HQ to Dallas, then read and finished Movie Megacheese Dallas to Vegas, partly because I felt too weak to take my hefty laptop from the overhead bin. sigh.

    Vegas. Very fucking hot. We determined that our hotel was unacceptable (me: "At least there's no blood on the walls.") after being in two different rooms within one hour. We made some calls, spoke to the Hilton, then drove over there and spoke with Brian from Lancaster, Ohio (on his badge). They did have rooms, but we requested that we be able to look at one of their rooms before we checked in. Brian spoke to the manager and we got a key to "one of our worst rooms" (so we wouldn't see a villa and get a matchbox). It was considerably better than the first hotel's rooms, so we checked in with Brian, and somehow got an executive upgrade in the process. Anyway, the room rocks, and we have an awesome view of the mountains (and the satellite dishes, pool, and golf course).

    observation: A dude who looked like Elvis in his later years. Black hair, mutton-chop sideburns, sunglasses, an inexplicable blue oxford shirt with a white collar, black polyester-looking pants that were several inches too long, and no belt. He spent a lot of time at the ATM before going to back to the casino area.

    Tuesday we were exhausted and passed around by 2000. We are very fucking fond of the Hilton right now.

    Yesterday

    Yesterday was our company picnic. We even managed to have nice weather. We played volleyball, had a water balloon tossing contest, and a three-legged race. My team lost our volleyball match, dropped the water balloon early on, and finished third in the three-legger. But at least I participated. It annoys me when the prima donna's don't participate on the grounds that what they are wearing is unsuitable. YOU WERE TOLD AHEAD OF TIME, WE DIDN'T SPONTANEOUSLY DECIDE TO HAVE A PICNIC! And then they sit there making fun of everyone else. Maybe I should have thrown a wild pitch in the water balloon toss...

    Today

    Another fun and thrilling day at work - NOT. It is rainy and nasty outside. I have some things I have to do before my former-boss-who-is-still-in-charge-of-me-somehow returns from vacation on Monday. They should take about an hour to do, but I feel like procrastinating.

    Someone came into my area earlier to assess the carpeting. I get the feeling that someone is trying to steal my space (which should accomodate at least 8 people, but only accomodates me and all the files associated with my job). I think this carpet has been here for about 15 years, and it is in surprisingly good shape. Now the walls, desk, and cubicle on the other hand...

    I had to make a doctor's appointment for my husband. He has a big knot on his knee which I am concerned about. I am not one that is prone to worry, but what if this knot (for lack of a better word) "pops" and spreads vile things through his body?

    Their response - "We have an opening in September, but if you talk to the doctor she might be able to arrange something sooner."

    Me: "Can I talk to the doctor then?"

    Them: "The doctors aren't in on Wednesdays."

    Me: "AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!"

    Plans for tonight

    Go to the grocery store, Blockbusters, and Post Office on my way home from work; make chili for dinner; gather up the garbage and hike it out to the curb (looooooooong driveway - with hills in both directions, honest); do a load of laundry; and then settle in front of the TV to watch Survivor.

    Sounds exciting, huh?

    Yippee! We've found an online vendor of exercise equipment who puts all the details up and (when phoned, admittedly) knows about the product! So we're going to spend six times what we would have done elsewhere! (See, this is called "selling". A lot of companies seem to have forgotten how.)

    One of the previous bits got taken away today.

    Walking to the station is paying off - I'm close to a beltnotch smaller around my waist!

    Yesterday | Tomorrow

    Good lord, what a day.

    So, I stopped taking St. John’s Wort because of the risk of pregnancy. It can reduce the effectiveness of birth control pills, and I don’t want to be pregnant. Anyway, my clinical depression has come back to haunt me full force, and the stupid job shit that is going on here isn’t helping me much. I also have PMS.

    Anyway, I came very close to total meltdown at work today. I’ve been using my health insurance’s website to find a psychiatrist, and they only listed two in the entire area that are covered. I called the one closest to me, and he was a knee doctor. The receptionist asked me what kind of problems I was having, and I said “depression and stress related”. She kindly explained that he was a knee doctor. She was very nice about it and said they get calls all the time, but I still felt like a total idiot. I hate my health insurance.

    So, I called the insurance company directly, and got the numbers for two doctors close to me. One does not have an opening for three months. The other does not have an office open on Wednesdays, so I have to wait for a call back tomorrow. My counselor gave me some people to try, and one was my old shrink. I called him and he takes my insurance, but he has no openings until the end of next month. I’ll call the other two and see if I can get in to see someone without having to pay an arm and a leg.

    I hate this. I’m cracking up inside and I need help, but nobody has any time for me. If I can’t see a specialist soon, I will call my regular doctor and get in to see her and hope she has some knowledge of depression and good drugs to treat it. I get the feeling though that I’ll be prescribed one of the Big Four (Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, and Wellbutrin) and she won’t know anything about the newer drugs with less side effects. Bah.

    I had to deal with a really rude customer, and that totally set me off and right now I feel like I am going to crumble into tiny pieces. I think I might go home early. I feel like I’m going totally insane. I went out and walked around the building with Pete, and that helped a bit, but not really. I have to get out of this office. I have to find a new job NOW.

    I forgot what its like to feel this crazy. The last time I had any kind of breakdown was in 1997, and I got through it because I finally was diagnosed with a medical problem. I’ve been able to control it with drugs and herbs, but now my herbs will make me pregnant. I hate this I hate this I hate this.

    I wish that 7up still had lithium in it. Then I could drink a few of those and feel better.

    If you want some idea of how I feel, read zot-fot-piq’s description in the depression node. Its that bad, but I want to take the drugs so I don’t feel like this. I’m still able to function right now. Barely.

    So I’m all worked up about this rude customer, and Phil tells me to shake it off. Shake it off. I wish I could! He just doesn’t get what’s inside my head, although we’ve kind of talked about it and I think he knows. You don’t truly know unless you feel it.

    If it wasn’t for Alex, my wonderful boyfriend, I would probably be drooling in the mental ward by now. That’s how fucked up I feel lately.

    I saw a negative vote on my day log yesterday. That hurt. What the hell is up with that? If you don’t like a node I write, then downvote it – fine. But downvoting a day log is really fucking low.

    Nodes That I Wrote Today That I like:
    none

    CD’s I’ve Listened To Today:
    Delerium – Morpheus
    MuslimgauzeHand of Fatima
    DeleriumKarma

    It won’t shut up it wants me dead god damn this noise inside my head.

    Over this past weekend my good friend passed away. I wasn't ready for it and it was completely a freak accident. Who is ever ready for that? I did everything I guess a normal person does in reaction to the drowning of my friend. I thought of all the things I wish I had said to him when I had seen him last. I know he knew I cared for him, but we don't often actually say it enough to each other as people. I thought about how I've heard people over and over again say these very same things when loved ones passed away, but I never took them to heart. I miss him so much and I can't imagine why such potential would just be wiped clean of the earth. I've been pretty much sleepless for the past few days and I feel oddly numb to the whole thing. I don't think it's really hit me yet. I know the worst is ahead and I keep telling myself that, but I don't think that's going to make this easier. I want to curl up and run away but I know that would not honor his memory. I know that I have to live every moment of my life now with a new zest. I have to move past this and learn. I know this is the way to honor his memory and keep him alive in my heart. I go to the funeral tomorrow. I made the decision to also attend the viewing which I know will tear me apart, but I have to do this to make it final in my head. I miss you, Chris, and I love you. I'll see you in my dreams and never forget what you've taught me. Goodbye, my thoughts will always be with you.

    I came home today to find the cats grooming each others' faces. My neighbor got a package from Australia containing vegemite, stuffed animals, and an oven mitt (it was declared), lying in the hall. I think i have the house to myself: i have not seen either of my housemates since i got back from the folkfest. In my mail, i got the North American tour schedule from Jeff Lang, an australian musician whom i saw at the festival: it was hand-addressed, but i won't be able to make any of the shows. Everything feels damp, and sounds empty.

    I need to make plans, but there are contingencies on contingencies, and i am not up for strategy sessions. Thus the time creeps up.. like water.

    Set the alarm for 4:30ish, played alarm tag until 6AM. This was early enough to brew coffee and eat a Power Bar before work. The first full rainy crappy day in what seems like forever. With the return of my cohort from vacation, the pace eases up a little. Another Power Bar and a power nap at lunch. I start a regimen of ginkgo biloba; 4 weeks to full effect. A clique of my coworkers take flying lessons; I'm tempted, but $90/lesson is a little steep right now. Sioux City brand ginger beer is the treat of the week. Supper: bruschetta and yet another Power Bar. In my personal node audit project, 8 nukes requested from my complete noding history. Playlist: Bow Wow Wow, Pachelbel, Ministry, Astralwerks, RAW, Closer, Pyramania, Astronomy.

    Someone remind me to eat before I go to aerobics in the morning.. I got up at 8:45 and was hopping around with the rest of them at 9:15.. By 9:40 I was completely pooped.

    After I come home and shower, I dozed around and read for a while, doing nothing important in particular, until my mom and I went to the mall. I made a beeline for the Limited where I found the cow purse I had been eyeing all week and bought it on sale. Of course right when mom sees it she makes me return it. Confirmed fact: If I like it, mom doesn't.

    Surely this happens to enough to make it a universal law.

    Napster was (supposedly) shut down today. Welp, there goes one way to get MP3s. Only four billion to go for the RIAA.

    I have been humbled by another Earthworm Jim game. Five days to beat Earthworm Jim 3D on a rental, and I only got to the first level in Fantasy. I am filled with shame.

    Besides that, it was another mild Summer day. It's too cool out to be Summer. Not fair. It's humid, but mild. You can't go swimming in that weather! According to the news, we've only had one 90+ degree F day this whole summer. Not nice.

    Tomorrow, time to work. And doodle more. Soon, I'll have a series of comic strips going, and you'll love to avoid it.

    Today was, overall, a satisfying day.

    After days upon days of staring at the walls, I finally have things to do at work. It's just my luck that it's all come up just days before I take a week off, but at least I'm not bored.

    I took the afternoon off to take my first driving lesson. I did pretty well, especially considering the headache I had. Granted, the headache wasn't debilitating, but it was distracting. I managed to play through the pain, though. If I keep going at this rate and I don't wimp out like I did last year, I think I'll have my license by summer's end.

    I watched Survivor at my dad's house again this evening. It's a pretty good way to kill an hour.

    I'd better go to bed now. I think the headache I had was an indication that I haven't been getting enough sleep, especially since it went away after I took a nap. I have another busy day tomorrow.

    Wistful. That is me on this day, on this dreamy infinitely glorious day where upon I woke up realizing that I am luckier than any one little human deserves to be. Of course you.. start me not on the topic of you who would occupy every last thought floating in my mind, every blink of my eyes I remember your words and every time I smile I know it's because you exist. Dreamy, awfully dreamy and beautiful.. I noded the lyrics to Christmas Song today, and they're stuck in my head at present.
                 Why in all this anger, have you
                 filled me up with love...
                 love, love, love 
    
    My best friend, tonight she sat up in her room and for a while I thought, why should I have to bother why is it always me that must comfort the broken little humans? And then I remembered.. I like to, and it would be so immensely selfish of me, despite the stress it puts me through from time to time, to ignore those who just need a little love, a hug perhaps some encouragement. I dragged her out of the room, in the end and we searched for frogs down by the pond. Her little problems, of course they're still there and will probably bother her to a point but she smiled I saw it and she forgot, if only for a while.

    I am exhausted. I am immeasurably happy. I am. I love being.

    I've so much to do, and so very little time to do it but I think I stopped honestly caring about the leetle things the universe might have me fret over. Falling is nice. I went for a few bike rides today, it's fun to try and not kill myself on the rocks that happen to be all along the path, not to mention the copious amounts of tree roots, wild thriving tree roots that never stop, I swear every last inch of that ground is held firmly together by intertwined root systems. It's astonishing that something like that can happen. The grass is nearly five feet tall on either side of that path right now, amazing, and beautiful and perfect. Not perfect, really, but I rarely see beauty in perfection.

    I miss you right now, I have a feeling I'm going to do a lot of missing you in the next little while. Funny how life always manages to pull sources of intense happiness away from you for a time, kind of just holds them there, out of reach and you can do nothing but ponder, stare off into space longingly wishing it wasn't as such. In the end I guess it's good, the missing, because you realize how lucky you are to have what you do, when you do. It's hard to take anything for granted when you have to be temporarily separated from someone so infinitely dreamy.

    I got a phone call tonight from my friend Valerie, whom I actually miss a lot, we were good friends in high school. It's funny, we haven't drifted apart, but we hardly ever talk. We're as close as ever but quite far distance-wise, despite it all, every time we talk it's like we just saw eachother yesterday. I love that. I have that sort of relationship with quite a few people..

    Love, love, love.. all I can think of is you, and love.
    It's been raining and raining and raining for days and somehow that's turned all of NYCity into a big swimming pool of people trying to keep dry and avoid sharks. We have lots of sharks.

    Stepped into a subway station last night and found water pooled up on the floors... all over the tracks - MTA worker with a broom sweeping the rainwater into a drain. Went to a good friend's play last night - the roof leaked. The drain in front of my basement apartment is clogged - 4 inches of water greeted me when I stepped out of the door this morning. My shoes haven't been intact for months, now my socks haven't been dry for hours. I no longer need a shower in the morning. I no longer need to concern myself with wrinkles in my clothes. Smoke breaks leave me saturated and excited - shoe shaped puddles following me around as I walk down the halls of my temporary employment. Everything smells of the sea. I step out of my train into an above ground station and rivets of water are falling around me. I can see the statue of liberty standing in the bay, but I'm not used to thinking of NYCity as ocean-based. I keep looking for mermaids on the F Train. No such luck yet.

    There's a party this weekend at my home. We invited too many people to fit inside the house, expecting overflow into the backyard/garden/reason we rented the apartment. There's plans to buy a tarp to cover the backyard like a giant tent, but I have secret fears that the tent is going to fill with water and drown all our guests. By the way, you're all invited. Bring your bathing suit and snorkel. If it's dry out after all, at least you'll be the life of the party.

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