"So there I was, lying across the office hallway with my arm elbow deep in a vending machine when..."

I expect there to be a lot of that.

I also expect there to be a lot of drinking, and merrymaking, and storytelling, and fire building and diaper changing and rearranging going on. I expect there to be arguments and brawls and a hearty round of pissing off the wildlife, and I'm gonna be there, soaking it up, letting it lay in and feeling damn proud of all of us, for building this fuck-knows-what-it-is-but-it-looks-cool monstrosity of a thing we call a community.

I LOVE THIS FEELING. And it doesn't go away.

See you in Ohio.

One

She appeared next to my bed, and I sat up. She wasn't dressed like an angel. Her face did not glow. I could make out the wrinkles on her face and her tired, dried up eyes, from the light that came through the rims of the closed window behind her, and lit up half her face.

I wasn't afraid. I wasn't even surprised.

- "Where are you now?" I asked. My voice clear, and unsuccessful.
- "I don't know. In the field. I don't care, usually."
- "Are you alright?"
- "Why didn't you cry for me?"
- "I wasn't sad."
- "I was."
- "I was glad you were gone."
- "I understand."
- "Where are you going now?"
- "Back to the field. It's unclear. You won't know. For the most part, I won't either."
- "I hope you're alright."
- "I just hope it ends sometime."

She walked out my door. I lied back down, eyes open. Buried my face in the pillow, and fell asleep.

Two

I sat on a park bench and a little boy held my face. He was painting it, and all I could feel was wet, cold, and uncomfortable. When he was done, I looked at myself in a mirror, and I was a little girl again, with her face painted like a clown. I looked at the boy, and he burst into tears. I didn't feel like crying, but I cried too, mainly out of politeness.

I cried too, all the way into next morning.

Buying my prom outfit

And so, next Friday is my Leaver's Ball, for school. Basically, everyone celebrates the time spent learning together by dressing up all posh and then getting smashed. Teachers and pupils alike. Having only been at the school for two of the seven years, i do not feel all the emotion the others are going through. It seems difficult for them to be leaving all their friends. For me, I am confused. I have no real attachments. I have friends, many of them. But I know I will make new ones. (Being attached to people is a weakness?).

Many people at my school do not know about the female side of me, and it is about time they did. whether they ridicule me or not, I want them to know. It will also be a very liberating experience for me to be able to be who I want to be among people I know fairly well. It is time to see how people will adjust.

This was the reason I was telling myself as i headed towards the Formal Wear hire shop. I was being brave and going in and telling them the truth. No 'it is for my sister/girl friend'. This is me, raw and simple. So I strole in, march up to the reception and ask for a ball gown for next Friday (please). It was almost as if she pretended she hadn't heard me. 'Suits are difficult to get this time of year, most schools proms are around now'
'No', I said 'I would like a prom dress'
She gave me a blank expression
'You know... female clothes'
She gave in a wrote out the order looking bemused. One of the floor assistants came over and picked up the order. 'Would you like to try on a waist coat or just a full suit' he enquired.
'No, I would like to look at the Prom dresses' He looked very confused and walked me over to the dresses. They were ever-so pretty. 'This gentleman would like to *sniggers* find a ball gown' he announced to the shop. The woman in charge of the dresses looked up at him and said 'I am sure we can help' (in the tone of 'Don't laugh you twat, you are meant to be helpful'). I automatically liked her. She didn't mind me picking a dress to wear at all. I was measured and told which ones were in my size. I spent a good while searching for one i liked. Darker colours were all I was going for and I finally got it down to two. I tried both on and they were both a squeeze. They were both lovely, but only one suited me. I hired that one at a drop down student price and walked home.