July 12, 2016

Happy Birthday to me. I am 38 today.

I live awash in love, and it is magic.

I mentioned last year that I was dealing with impermanence, and that carried through the rest of 2015. There was a lot of loss, and a lot of uncertainty. We lost the xB. We lost the deck out back. I was working hard on really big chunks of my identity. But in that shaking, in that instability, I found the anchors. I reached out to those closest to me for help, and there it was. It was hard to ask, but the response was so powerful.

I've helped to build a community in Chicago that holds me. It was always there before, slowly coming together and showing me brilliant little moments. But I've been working to bring to bring all of that support right to the surface, and to give back to those that give so much to me. Within that community, people look to me for answers and support, and it warms me so much to know that people hold me in such esteem. I don't know what's next there, other than to take the energy that I receive and point it back at those that give it to me. I have a passion, and it is pointed at something tangible. It's one of the most rewarding things that I've ever done.

I've spent so much of my life being pessimistic. I've always been waiting for the other shoe to finally drop on me. And sometimes things are weird and feel unsolvable. But love is always there waiting now. It is always there to catch me. It is always there to help clear the skies.

I'm wondering if this is the new normal. Instead of the malaise and cacophony of anxiety punctuated with bright moments, maybe I can really live in the bright, and have those moments that remind me of the past. This would be a big paradigm shift for me.

The panicked voices in my head tell me that this can't be the case. It'll be a matter of time before the whole structure comes crashing down.

Let's see.

Even though we went to bed earlier than we normally do we overslept this morning. Normally I'm up much earlier, but for whatever reason I slept until almost 8:30. I thought about letting Jill sleep and not waking her up, but then I went into her room to ask if she was going in to work today. Last night the girls and I went to buy groceries after church. I started cleaning up the kitchen this morning. I mowed the lawn after I dropped off Jill. Later today I'm going to drop off my job application and call the IRS, this tax stuff has been hanging over my head long enough, I want some resolution on the issues I'm facing. We need a better system in the laundry area. People pile clothes from the dryer on top of it and the table next to it, I've tried numerous things, but they all depend on folding the clothes right away.

Yesterday I made the squashes and roasted the sweet potatoes. I'm going to buy more salad ingredients and have the girls help me put more salads in jars. I need to find a better place to put my puzzle. Tying up the dining room table for extended periods of time isn't going well. It's amazing how much better I feel when things are neat and orderly. I've been writing a lot about couples who are breaking apart and getting together. One of my characters is a retired surgeon who realizes he can't get back the time he didn't spend with his children when they were younger. He's experiencing a lot of guilt and anguish, he's reliving the past, but he isn't going to stay there and dwell on it. I was crying when I wrote it, writing can be such a painful form of self discovery, but I know my life would be much poorer without it. 

*****

Yesterday I talked to my aunt. I told her I was taking a social media break, we talked about the guy I liked. She said she wanted me to have him in my life without needing him. This resonated, I have a tendency to turn to him when I can be doing more for and by myself. He fills affection and intimacy needs for me. When I asked if he wanted to be included in the social media break he said the next ten days were going to be very busy for him. At first I was crushed and kind of angry. Then I took a step back and realized he was just being honest. I needed some perspective and I got it which is a very good thing. I can't force a relationship or closeness that he doesn't want on him.

I didn't think I'd hear from him until he got back from Asia, but he sent me a message about going to the dermatologist. The thing about him is there are so many avenues to explore. I could have responded in numerous ways, he made a comment about me feeling safe around him. He used an exclamation point, language is really amazing when you think about what you can divine from mere puncutation and characters. He had kept his side of the conversation light, I sent him a two pronged message about swimming and getting swept away by the current despite knowing how. It was a round about way to say something without spelling it out. He appreciated the comment and sent back another one. Then I got sad and sent him a Barbara Streisand song.

When I worry, it almost never has anything to do with him. He's very even keeled. He treats me well when we're together. He is busy and I can't always be his highest priority. After the Streisand song which really conveyed how I feel about him I sent him another message. Going to church and the store helped get my mind off of him. I sent him a string of messages including one wishing him well on his trip. I always want what's best for him so that was very easy and I think my intent came through because when I woke up I had two messages from him. I said I was taking a social media break and I will. He did something he hasn't ever done before in a message. I don't need to know where it's going. He came through on the date, he knows what I want, it's up to him to decide what the next move is going to be.