Everything Day Logs
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Everything Snapshot

Time: Wed, 12 Jul 2000 00:03:59 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) Debian/GNU mod_perl/1.21_03-dev
Number of nodes: 605626 (941 new since July 11, 2000)
Number of users: 16713 (25 new since July 11, 2000)
Number of links: 2310742 (10935 new since July 11, 2000)

Node to user ratio: 36.237 nodes per user
Link to node ratio: 3.815 links per node
Link to user ratio: 138.260 links per user

New Nodes: Users Online (47): [dannye] [yossarian] [Templeton] [Dis] [thefez] [ophie] [coby] [hamstergirl] [whizkid] [Halcyon&on] [dizzy] [Gamaliel] [neil] [FatAlbertTheta] [transform] [tres equis] [SB5] [Jeeves] [ccunning] [dr] [urbanmisfit] [LiquidSnake] [Wormer] [Hermetic] [SPUI] [Gypsy] [mps] [AgentNgo] [spaceman_spiff] [boone] [junkpile] [samgrover] [Brain] [CthulhuFhtagn] [lillianvalencia] [stash] [tribbel] [Muke] [Jayveanna] [humanure] [rpco] [Bublim] [h3rr_fu] [sambowagner] [thunt] [fuku] [Merlin83]

JeffMagnus node count: 3836 (1 new since July 11, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience: 7177 (11 more since July 11, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 1.871 XP per node
JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.634%
JeffMagnus node of the day: Everything 2 Civil War

16:00 (GMT +10:00) Sydney
Well, at my manager in back today so I thought I might end up doing some work - but no. The only work I've done today is that production wanted a function moved in my software to be part of the test cycle as apposed to a extra function. Excitement - and about 5 minutes work :P

Of course since I was waiting for my pay it still hasn't gone in - so now I'm broke and having to track down my flat mate to borrow money off him so I can afford to fill the car with petrol so I drive to Bathurst (see yesterday. Ack.. my theory is that they are now delaying paying us until pay reviews (which are soon! yay!)

I get to see my girlfriend!

Yay! I don't like living in a different city - after living together all last year (in the same dorm at Uni - got together during that year) and until Uni started this year made it a real shock to have her go back - still is everytime she leaves again after holidays. I tell you what I really must like that girl considering I moved to Sydney from Canberra and got a job here so I could be closer to her.

Did I mention I get to see my girlfriend tonight?

Heh.. well provided I acutally manage to get there!

Oh yeah, Help Me Pick A New Number Plate For My Car

July 12, 2000

My 17th birthday.

It's 2:02 AM in Lafayette, Indiana. I've just woken up after sleeping since 4pm last night. Today at 1:45 PM I must be at the photographers studio in order to get my Senior Pictures taken. I fucked up and fell asleep and didn't get to go to the eye doctor and get some non-reflective lenses so my glasses wouldn't cause a problem in the pictures. I have to go sometime this morning now, and I don't know if I'll have time to make sure I have all of my clothes ready. I'm already stressed out.

Apparently, my friend Lori called about 10pm last night, but I was asleep so I don' t know what's going on. I can't ask anybody because my family is asleep. Go Figure. The only reason this is important to me is that Colin is out of town until Friday. We had fun the other night, so I figured she wanted to go out again. We'll see what happens. I'm not gonna force anything, though.

I'm eating breakfast right now...2 corn dogs and a Coke. What a day this is going to be.


I didn't add anything, but earlier about 7am, my parents gave me my gift from them for my birthday. Before I tell you what it is, let me tell you that just 10 minutes before they gave it to me, I was looking for a CD Player for my car. An In Dash CD Player. I've already got a CD Player that I use a tape adapter to play. So right when I showed my dad the papers I printed out with a list of CD Players I wanted, my mom walks up with a WalMart bag and pulls out... you guessed it (maybe)...A Brand New CD Player! A Portable one!

Anyways, I've got less than 2 hours before I need to leave to get my Senior Pictures taken. My sister won't go with me to make sure I look alright, and I can't get a hold of Lori.

This day isn't so special after all.


I got back from getting my senior pictures taken and let me tell you, they went exactly how I DIDN"T expect them to go. I was expecting them to totally suck ass and for it to be boring and hellacious (spelling?). But it wasn't. My old best friend Tim shows up and we had the pleasure of getting our pictures taken at the same exact time. How cool is that? We had so much fun. The photographer's jokes were severely corny, but being there with Tim made it twice as fun. It was great. I think our pictures our going to turn out great. Tim thinks so because we were so relaxed just being there and having such a great time.

I just talked to Lori on the phone and she is dropping my B-day gift off sometime before she goes to Hooters with all of her friends. Her and her friends (girls) planned going on a long time ago. I'm not invited, so I'm not going to be doing anything tonight. I understand they have plans, but you'd think they'd be able to change them just for me. Oh well. Maybe If I'm really lucky, they have a huge party planned and they are gonna surprise me with it or something. That would be awesome.

This day isn't over yet, I'll share the rest later.


Lori stopped by to give me her present to me with a card. It's a cute little Teddy Bear. The day before I told her I wish I had someone to give me special surprises like she did to Colin. I guess she kept that in mind when she bought me the Bear. Whether she know's it or not, it means a lot to me. I haven't named it yet. I'll think of something.

I guess the surprise I was hoping for isn't going to happen after all. My parents and Lori were the only ones to wish me Happy Birthday. Not even more than a handful of noders wished me a happy birthday.

I'm tired...I'm lonely...I just wanna fucking cuddle, man

I guess this day is over for me now, I'm going to sleep. Actually, I'm going to cry myself to sleep. I have to work at 8am. Blah.

More to come as the day progresses.

Yesterday | Dizzy->Day_Logs() | Tomorrow

08:14 BST

Bah. I got four hours sleep last night. I have a full working day ahead of me, and then a pub and curry trip. Then tomorrow I am in London installing software for a customer. I am going to be so tired it will be scary.

More security cameras have appeared at strategic locations around the office. No one knows what they are for, but I am assuming they are to prevent thefts. After all, we had about 10,000 pounds worth of kit go missing 6 months ago; it makes sense the cameras go in now?

15:40 BST

I have spent all day trying to get a PC talking to a Sun Netra T1 server. The whole exercise has proved impossible, which has not improved my mood.

Cheapo CDs bought: Primal Scream's Screamadelica and REM's Green. These will improve my mood before going out tonight, or else.

Several E2 regulars have been hurting recently. I must node my thoughts on this later.

I've been amused to notice many E2 newbies noding for numbers and rapidly gaining XP and levels... Did/Do E2 longtimers view me with the same bemusement?

16:15 BST

Dare I sleep before going out? I don't want to sleep for maybe 6 hours and miss the festivities.

20:05 BST

Gah. I slept for too long and the buses aren't running. I shall have to stay in tonight. :(

22:35 BST

I am happier now. A heady combination of #everything, lemon hooch and Purdeys have restored me to good humour.

Apart from a brief troll interruption (I still don't understand those guys], irc has been humming along. Why, however, do all our conversations degenerate into the subjects of alcohol, sex or linux?

idoru told us that he is OK. He's in Northern Ireland and the problems there are A Bad Thing(tm).

Apprently, I am the only one on #everything who uses rm -fr rather than rm -rf. What's up with that? Everyone knows that F is below R on a keyboard, hence touch typing commands (you do touch type, don't you?) means that your left index finger moved naturally from the F to the R. There, -fr is the way to go.

Erg. My back and shoulders are still sore from the gym, so I decided to skip working out yesterday. It didn't help. Like I mentioned in My Company Likes Me, my company asked me to return next summer so I'm feeling pretty good about myself today. I think I'll celebrate by not doing any work and just noding. Wait, that's every other day too...

Went to the dentist yesterday. I love this dentist. I'm in and out of the dentist's chair in ten minutes flat. No cavities, although he thinks I might be grinding my teeth because of stress. I must be doing it in my sleep, because I don't remember ever doing it...

Had to go through the rigamole of changing half my work passwords today, so I've got another ten minutes before the system will synchronize itself and let me log back into the development servers anyway.

Watched about two innings of the All-Star Game yesterday, before I realized that I really just didn't care about it at all this year.

I can't wait to go to Las Vegas...must...reach...August 7th...

Update, 1:06 PM: Oh my god! Someone on my team actually called me on the telephone and asked me a question about some code I'd written! I feel productive and important!!!

<< week | July 11, 2000 | July 12, 2000 | July 13, 2000 | week >>

Everything's Best Users Snapshot

   #   Users                   XP   wa7   inc Level   l_XP l_wa7
   1   EDB                  20015  #N/A  #N/A     1  #N/A   #N/A
   2 - Pseudo_Intellectual  18444   150   160    11  18284   148
   3 - DMan                 16878   170   133     9  16745   176
   4 - dem bones            15242   172   287    11  14955   153
   5 - Segnbora-t           11985   104   109    10  11876   103
   6 - Saige                11808   101   171    10  11637    89
   7 - pukesick              9429    11     6    10   9423    12
   8 - sensei                9247   116   102     7   9145   118
   9 - dannye                9162   113   116     9   9046   113
  10 - tregoweth             8837   112   123    10   8714   110
  11 - Deborah909            8445    44    39    10   8406    45
  12 - N-Wing                7979    29    86     9   7893    19
  13 - ideath                7878    85    93     8   7785    84
  14 - Jet-Poop              7736    32    12     9   7724    35
  15 - Lometa                7684    63   123     9   7561    53
  16 - knifegirl             7560    52    13     9   7547    58
  17 - jessicapierce         7542   -31    14    10   7528   -38
  18 - /dev/joe              7484    74    72     8   7412    74
  19 - yossarian             7468    49   106     9   7362    39
  20 - Tem42                 7311    63    18     8   7293    71
  21 - JeffMagnus            7175    31    10     9   7165    35
  22 - pingouin              7011    25    27     9   6984    25
  23 - ModernAngel           6776    25     4     9   6772    29
  24 - moJoe                 6686    49    10     9   6676    55
  25 - General Wesc          6666    29    32     9   6634    29
  26 - hoopy_frood           6408    42    25     8   6383    45
  27 - bozon                 6337    76    92     9   6245    73
  28 - novalis               6023    25    16     9   6007    26
  29 - Sylvar                5847    79    48     7   5799    84
  30 - juliet                5591    49     6     9   5585    56
  31 - Uberfetus             5425    55    67     6   5358    53
  32 - alex.tan              5313    34     3     7   5310    39
  33 - hamster bong          5294    80    99     6   5195    77
  34 - Templeton             5134    40    72     5   5062    35
  35 - RockLobster           4998     7    -2     9   5000     9
  36 - sabre23t              4990    50    44     6   4946    51
  37   nine9                 4985    19    94     9   4891     6
  38 - yam                   4931    11     1     7   4930    13
  39 - bitter_engineer       4889    44    59     7   4830    41
  40 - wharfinger            4598    67   101     6   4497    61
  41   ariels                4514    28    50     8   4464    24
  42 - kessenich             4502    24    17     9   4485    25
  43 - Sarcasmo              4401     4     7     8   4394     4
  44 - knarph                4268    23    22     9   4246    23
  45 - CaptainSpam           4060    16     6     9   4054    18
  46   themusic              4004    39    70     8   3934    34
  47 - Lord Brawl            3954    19     6     8   3948    21
  48   Dis                   3944    90    69     6   3875    93
  49 - Orange Julius         3937    27     6     7   3931    30
  50 - hatless               3893    59    86     8   3807    54
  51   Woundweavr            3779  #N/A  #N/A     8  #N/A   #N/A
   *   EBU #51               3779    23    55     *   3724    18

Server time: 14:43 Wed Jul 12 2000 UTC, corrected since June 29, 2000

* = users rising up in the EBU; - = users falling down in the EBU
l_ = last (previous) value; inc = increase in stats value
wa7 = ((stats + (6 * l_wa7))/7) = weighted average with denominator 7

sabre23t: Random Nodes

Whoa! Looks like EDB has eaten some noders with XP totalling more than 20000!. Now EDB is at #1 on EBU. It may has been Hermetic who was eaten twice today, July 12, 2000.

sabre23t: Nodes to node

This is almost entirely unedited from it's original trip log format, only HTML formating and links have been added. I'm not sure if I was really high when I wrote this, but by looking at the date, I probably was.
Probably involving some combination of DXM (in the third plateau range) and pot.


Hmm... It seems at times as though the whole point of this part of my life is to find some artificial system to interpret the way that life works. Almost like it is a normal function of being human to find some 'program' (does that deserve quotes?) to follow, something to define myself by. Something external.

So what if I refuse? What would happen if either:

a) I try to define my self by entirely internal references


b) refuse to define my self at all?

I really don't know. As far as (a) goes, at least in terms of mathematic reasoning, Goedels Theorem seems to say that it is not possible to do that. The second option there seems to lead to suffering, and prolonged suffering (in my experience) seems to result in the individual being defined by their suffering, and in doing so, relieving that suffering, reducing it to a more superficial level.

So, where do I go from here?

Complete denial of self? Or do I just quit and give in?

I used to be able to say that I was not a quitter, but that is no longer true, which is fine, one less definition of self, and that's fine by me.

I used to be able to say that I was better than those around me, with reasonable certainty, but now I don't think so.

I used to think that I had some special purpose here on Earth, that I was supposed to help out humanity in some way, but I've found that whenever I have an idea, it seems that somebody else had it before.

I used to believe that I could create some new way of looking at the world, but as I go on, I see that nothing is really new, it's just a revisionof something, or a combination of things.

I used to believe that science was the answer to everything, then I thought that a spiritual path could do the job, and I have even tried the combination of the two (in the form of drugs), but now I see that even if they do allow us to control our environment, it is still futile.

I used to think that learning was the key to everything, but I have been learning all of my life, and see no end in sight, and can see no use for it when I am done.

I used to think that art was a great thing, until I saw that art is only a way of expressing the self, it does nothing when the self is uncertain.

I used to believe many things, but now, all that I am left with is the satisfaction of my basic physical needs. My existance has nearly come full circle to a point of non-existance. I await a sign, something to give meaning, but all I am ever left with is confusion, and hazy memories of great inspiration, that leads to nothing.

The only hope I have left is that the basic structure of the world will suddenly change to fit me, as I can not change myself to fit into it, something that I doubt will not happen any time in the near future.

I could be called a self-defeating escapist, but would shortly find myself changed into something else. I could say that I do not want to be one, and soon find myself become one. It is as if I am unable to set a fixed idea of self.

Yes, I could try to change the world, but what would I change? There is no one thing wrong with society, the basic institution is broken, but there is no way of doing without it, it is an inevitable result of placing several billion people on the planet. Yes anarchy is a nice ideal, but without a system of rules to enforce conduct, somebody is bound to put such a system in place.

Perhaps the whole idea of consciousness and humanity is just an illusion, that it is just some delusion that we have that we are different from animals, just because we use tools, and exploit ourselves and our environment. Unfortunately, that line of thought quickly dies off when the question of what exactly is being deluded is asked.

Maybe the memetics people are right, in a way that they never thought of. Maybe memes are coming to life, and biological life has become outdated, maybe the memes HAVE taken over, and most of us have just come to accept it, with or without knowing. Our lives have become insignificant in the face of major ideologies, ideas, cultures,or anything else memetic in nature. If so, what of it? What would that do to giving me purpose? Do I submit to something that doesn't even physically exist? Do I try to design new, better, more successful memes, ones that would wipe out the old ones, and leave only my memes left? How would that change the basic situation?

I doubt it would.

Is death a way out? I doubt it, but if it is, I will find out soon enough. I feel as though I have lost all hope, but I refuse to give up hope completely.

If there is anybody out there, I beg of you, please, please help me. I have no place left to turn, other than the unknown. Just a sign that this is not all just a sham, a joke being played on me that has gone on far too long, an experiment of some unkown technology. The will of {a,some,several} {god,gods,whatever} trying to prove a point, or to test me.

it's the lights. the lights control everything.

(who is this loon?)

everything comes from them, they can see all. Humanity used to be afraid of the dark, so they willed light into existance, and after time, that light grew in power. Now it is the source of all things, and we are enslaved to the light, to our sense of sight. The lights keep watch over us, and ensure that we do their biddings. Of couse the lights have not always been our masters, for in a far older time, before the lights came to power, we lived in a world of sounds, and the sound controlled us, and so on, with all of the senses.

Even without the power of the lights, we would still be slaves to our senses. Our sense of self, our sense of right an wrong, our sense of community, our sense of purpose... they are all very real things, and although they may be abstract in a physical sense, they are real forces that act upon our lives. But for now, the lights rule, and almost every other sense submits to them. There is little in our modern world that does not rely on sight or electricity to have it's impact on us.

-><- And that's all i will say for now. It's like Neitschze (yeah, you know who I mean, and the first person to comment on spelling anywhere gets a size 11.5 (US) shoe in a random orifice) said, 'if you stare long enough into the void, it also stares into you" or something to that effect. The extensive search for meaning where there is none causes a new one to spontainiously be created, one that, with effort, I'm sure, be expanded into something legitimate. Perhaps that is all the world is, is the result of billions of quests for purpose, for the meaning of things, something that we will never actually find, because as soon as we approach the limits of what DOES exist, something new will come in and form the next level.

A [everything is a fractal universe. There is an easily defined rough outline of what /reality,the universe,existance,whatever/ is, but upon closer inspection, there is an infinite level of detail to be found. An infinite level that resembles, but is different from those above it.

Maybe that is why my quest for meaning has come to nothing, I have been looking at the details, hoping to find the one aspect that explains things for me, when I should be looking at bigger things, and showing how everything is really just a finer detail of something bigger. As an example, maybe the jump from newtonian to quantum physical laws was the wrong way to go, maybe what is really needed is a meta-newtonian level of physics, to find the thing that it is a subset of, and the other subsets of that thing. Then find that which those are subsets of, and, with luck, eventually get to a big enough concept of <stuff> to know what everything comes from.

I should just shut up now, and return to being useless, the idea that anything I have said here is real scares me, and the though of developing the real bits into an understanding of the way things are scares me even more.

Just remember, math without numbers scares people, and people without numbers scares math.


20:44 EET

Hmm. I might be wrong, but nothing noteworthy happened today. My new DVD drive arrived, I finished typing an annoying HTML/PHP form at work, and that's about it. Another excruciatingly hot day survived.

Rant time.
Lately I've been wondering what the deal is with this whole "real life TV" fad. Instead of dramatized television entertainment, people are going crazy over footage of real people getting into accidents, going over their daily business trapped to a building/island with a bunch of stangers, etc.
Maybe there just isn't enough voyeurism in me, since I simply don't find this kind of material entertaining, though-provoking or otherwise worth watching. The boring "reality" shows like The Real World are one thing, but snuff-style shows like When Animals Attack really make me sick. And not just that these programs get made, but they get massive ratings as well.
I'm still waiting for Finland to catch the trend. And I know MTV3 - it won't take long.
Before you get to say "If you don't like that stuff, don't watch it", let me assure you that I don't. But it won't stop me from being puzzled by the whole phenomenon. I'm not complaining though, since in 5 years or so there will be nothing but "reality" on. At least I have the Twin Peaks reruns now...

Today's Writeups:
  • Korg PolySix
  • Finland metanode
  • The bourgeoisie have been blowing up things all day. They are either practicing suburban guerilla tactics or are just being intentionally annoying. This inspired us to use some of the light swedish explosives, which was slightly amusing for a short while.

    The Insane Rabbit of the South tracked me down and could have wiped out the whole town with one subtle move of its giant freak paw. I realized that what I percieved as an innocent comment yesterday was actually a quite harsh questioning of my values. Luckily, I do not find personal issues particularly engaging.

    mmm.... trailwork.

    we spent the day on thistle hill making dips, ditches, waterbars (both earthen and rock), and stone steps.

    i am exhausted. promise to node everything at the end of the summer, when i have internet on a regular basis.

    I’m at the halfway point, and today is yet another colossal waste of time. I have taken more calls though, and I have solved some customer issues, but overall... a waste.

    Last night I drove out to Camas with my boyfriend so he could pick up the car he decided to buy. He bought a used Audi from some frat boy in a big new house. So, he drove the Audi while I drove his Mercedes back to his house. It was sunny and there wasn’t much traffic, plus my boyfriend’s Mercedes is FUN to drive. So, I listened to the Happy Monday’s and enjoyed the trip.

    There was a large car accident near his house. It looked like the airbags had been deployed on one car. We didn’t stop our mini caravan back to his house since a bunch of people had come out of the apartments nearby and were talking rapidly on cordless phones. We saw the fire trucks and police coming once we got further up Powell.

    We were going to watch a movie or something, but then I was struck by a sudden headache of near migraine quality. I was a moaning, groaning lump for the rest of the night, and crashed out in his bed at 10. I don’t know if it is a side effect of the medications I’m on now or what. Headaches are a side effect of life I think.

    I got up way too early and Alex drove me home so I could get showered and dressed for work. I got to work on time as usual, but a little more surly than most days. That surly feeling has intensified as the day has worn on. One of my best buddies at work, Phil was offered a new job, so his last day is in two weeks. This sucks. Lets hope that either I get one of the jobs I applied for soon, or else I might get stuck having to work with Chris on this stupid Compaq team. Chris is a total idiot.

    My mother is having laser eye surgery at 4pm. She wants to have her vision corrected permanently. I have to pick her up once work is over. I’m nervous about her. I’m worried that the laser will make her go blind.

    Nodes That I Wrote Today That I Like A lot:

    CD’s I’ve Listened To Today:
    Muslimgauze – Gun Aramaic

    Sticking with the mellow music.

    I felt a little down, so I took a bath. I always forget that baths force me to lie still, staring at my thighs for a good long time, making lists of adjectives starting with “G,” none of which are “gorgeous” or “glorious.” “Gory” was not one of them either, for which I suppose I should have been grateful.

    I figured if I was going to waste my day souping around in the tub, I might as well make my skin happy, so I loofahed the hell out of my ass. Not easy – you have to roll to one side, or kneel. Rolling over means I look like I’m posing, trying to seduce someone from my gritty grungy tub. And kneeling just doesn’t seem proper without an enema bag and a camcorder handy.

    just breathe...

    i'm feeling alright today. calm. i got a lot of work done. in fact, i got most of the work done that i had been putting off doing for the past month or so. it's not really motivation that made me get this stuff done, it's desperation. i've really been accomplishing a whole lot of nothing lately.

    yes. i'm okay.

    break: TV producers love "reality TV" because it costs next to nothing to make. You buy the rights to a bunch of home video clips shot by schmoes who happened to be at the site of the plane crash/wildebeest attack/whatever. Then you just string them together with a semi-celebrity doing a voice-over.

    I learned how to make Cat 5 cable today, and I am really bad at it. From the 20 or so attempts I made, I got one (count 'em, one) working cable--which was too short to use for anything. But I persevere. I'm thinking of making my girlfriend some jewelry out of discarded cable ends, because God knows I have enough of them now. And what woman wouldn't like all those colorful little wires?

    Today wasn't quite as a pain in the ass as yesterday. For one thing, there were no gas leaks at work today. Yay!

    I'm getting quite bored at my job, though. I haven't had any really meaty projects in a while. I fear I'm stagnating. I'm taking a week off early next month, maybe things will pick up after that.

    My dad called me at work to remind me that my stepmother's birthday is tomorrow, and I should get her a card or something. I don't know why he felt the need to remind me, since I remembered it last year. He needn't have worried; I ordered two CDs for her a few days ago. It doesn't look like she'll get them in time though. Damn.

    I came home, ate dinner, then watched "Survivor." Yes, I know the show is silly, but it's an amusing diversion.

    It's now 10pm. Bedtime. I want to catch up on my sleep.

    I think I was going to skip making a write-up for today, but then I saw my main squeeze EDB had clamored up the EBU for that top spot. Here's to you, baby! All that hard work you did is finally paying off!

    I went downtown, walked around, took pictures, got a free frapuccino. This did wonders for my pessimistic outlook. I think I've been sheltered from my beautiful city my entire life. I've driven through downtown, sometimes even gone to the museums and important sounding buildings down there, but this is the first time I actually walked around. There's life there. I think this is what shocked me the most. I was expecting to find quiet little alleyways and the occasional homeless vagabond, but I discovered that the place had its own energy. It reminded me of Italy, but for the first time a place reminded me of Italy, it didn't make me want to hop a plane and leave this world behind. Because I like it. And I belong here. It made me happy...

    Today was good. That's rare for me--usually my days are miserable and my nights are filled with wonder. Tonight was wretched. I can't even describe how much our family was torn apart. I can't even talk to them like I used to. And I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow the cause of it all.

    So many conflicting feelings tonight... I tried to force myself to feel what I know I shouldn't. The scary part is that I succeeded. Now I want to apologize for all the harm and chaos I've wrought upon my dearest ones, but there's something inside of me that's tasted blood and refuses to comply.

    I cried. I needed to do that. It wasn't just for tonight or for the events leading up to tonight...it was for everything. All my emotions were imprisoned within me and that was the only way they found they could escape.

    such a marvelous release...

    But it's better now. Or so I tell myself. Maybe I've just run out of emotinal energy. I always feel so empty after I cry...the sadness I was hiding kept me company.

    That's sick and paranoid. I need to stop doing that. People have been commenting on my humorous and aloof moods lately. I don't have the guts to tell them I'm just going slightly insane. Maybe that's my last shred of sanity.

    I'm making no sense and I need to clense my head. Things are good.

    Don't fret.

    Today ended up being rather bittersweet. The majority of the day I worked, and it was uneventful. However, I just returned from an outing.

    I choose the word 'outing' purposefully. I went to Adventure Landing, with Sarah. She's one of my cousin's rather distant friends. I've known her for a while now, but we never talked a lot. Obviously she's cute and nice and smart, so I have a small crush on her. She knows this. She has told me before that she isn't interested in me, and was hurt a while back when I tried to date her and was unwilling to accept that she wasn't interested but wanted to be friends. I simply told her I had enough friends, and that I was close to them, and didn't see a need for another friend, especially if she'd be distant. I had lots of friends, most being girls, but I had no girlfriend. Seemed logical enough at the time to tell her this. Nowadays I realize what a jerk I was.

    But I digress... We went to Adventure Landing and afterwards Friendly's. We had a fun time and we talked a lot. We get together quite well. The only thing I don't understand is why exactly she wants to be only friends. From what I can tell she does kinda like me. I mean I talked about some rather personal things and she was very interested in my stories and also was shocked for me. She acts like I do when I like someone - the little things that normally wouldn't bug you about someone else nagged at her. We get upset over small things every once in a while, and I know it's on my end because I like her. I assume the same on her end. We spoke of my "first" and she was dissapointed that it wasn't the most moral of situations, and said that I deserve better. She shows all the signs so far as I can tell. It just doesn't make sense.

    It got me in a somewhat sad mood right now as the "outing" ended. I don't really know how I get in these situations. I have a lot of girls who are friends. They all like who I am. But they all just want to be friends, no matter what happens between us. And it makes me wonder do I really deserve better? I don't see how. I can't even get a girlfriend these days. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm overly shy, and I always end up liking the ones I know better. So they all end up being friends with one another. And they all just wanna be friends.
    Girls says they want a nice guy, but once they meet one they change their minds - nice guys are ok, but the "bad boys" are more exciting. So the nice guy always ends up being the confidant, the shoulder to cry on, the stability in chaos, and the one who truly makes your life better. But he never gets what he desires and deserves....

    I don't like to change my daylogs, but rather tack new thoughts, feelings on the beginning or end "as needed". I'd like to apologize.. my daylogs have been very, not so happy lately. I guess this isn't the worst thing in the world but my problems really are quite small, insignificant, when compared to a lot of things, so it's best not to grumble, and the like. I just tend to vent here, in day log form.. when things get a bit too much for my tired little brain to handle. Thank you kindly to those in #e, and especially to MasterYoshi for helping me find my smile again. I guess it really wasn't so far away as I thought it was, hm? :)

    Again I cry because of him and I feel nauseous.. so sick and I just want to be anything but alone right now. He told her, his new girlfriend, that he "probably" hurt me. Probably, he said.. I just hope he doesn't think that but rather said it to please her. I talked to her for an hour or more tonight, and I was so nice.. and I resisted saying things I know she doesn't know, because I don't want to fuck his life up. I am so tired of this.. and I just want to stop talking to him but it hurts to know he'd forget about me.. or would he? All I know is that this sadness is not something I deserve, I was sad for so long and he shouldn't be doing this to me again..
                                  I'm letting him.
    to know me would require effort no one is willing to put in
    you will stand before me pretending to know or care but
    when the last piece slips into place, there are more important things 
    than the girl with the odd thought'y matter and sad eyes
    Even I know that my eyes must look so sad right now.. with the tears building and the pain of finding out that what you assumed was right and then some. I can handle lies, I suppose I've been fed them all my life but from him, he always promised so many things and told me so much and I can't believe any of it now. It hurts and it is frightening to think that there was so much I should have realized and known. She.. took him away and though I'm glad in some ways that it is over, the way she talks as if he is only hers now, how she "won" him. She threw it in my face, I think she tried fairly hard to do it.. either that or she's very ignorant, in the stupid sense of the word. I just sat there and I took it and I held back what I should have said, and I laughed it off as I died a little more inside with every thought. I feel very.. empty, right now. Empty and sad. My hands went cold when we were talking, they're warm again now..
           Another.. sad "love" story?
    Was it even real love I wonder.. mine was, but what was I getting in return? Perhaps just a lot of comforting lies.. now I know that I can't trust anyone and that just makes things, life, immeasurably complicated.

    Help.. you know, that's just all I can think is I wish someone could, would, help me.

    Watch me smile for everyone, I'll do it.. I'm so good at it. Just try not to look into my eyes.
    Today was a third of a day at work... all us interns were getting a to see a speech by our illustrious ceo.
    So, before the speech, flirting partner and i went for a walk around the block near the theatre where the speech was. She thought that we should throw all caution aside and just try and see what happens... despite having only a month left living in the same state.
    Man... I dunno. It's so hard. It feels so right, but I think that if it turns into a long distance relationship, it will just not be good. I'm bad at those. Very bad.
    So I'm going to bed, all confused and stuff. I'm having fun, but I'm afraid of getting too attached. I just broke up with the old girlfriend a month ago... and already I'm slipping into another relationship. Granted, this one could be good; she's a computer girl and I'm a computer boy so we understand each other somehow on a fundamental level. That's never happened to me before.

    I am not well...

    The help is not working too much anymore. I am in a lot of pain, and I am scared. I no longer have a personality... I respond to everything with a blank stare, this same face of anguish I've been wearing for months. And I look forward to nothing, except relief, if it comes.

    Somebody please take me away from here...

    Waking up slowly, the nice way. Something to eat and a clean kitchen so things are proceeding in a good manner. On the steps flossing, Mac rides up on his bike, home early from field work to start photocopying several thousand pages at the library for his boss. The sun is nice, touching only the bottom step such that I may feel the pleasant proximity without direct contact. Driving to work, a new tape left in the car from a trip to an out of town skatepark the previous day, hardcore...mild though. Finding that the logic programmer still has not completed the corrections I specified yesterday, I slack aimlessly until he delivers the new code. Programming the FPGA and sampling the results yields more mistakes and I leave a voice message, a routine repeated endlessly these days. A few hours later, on the way home. Warm air is nice, windows and sunroof open fill the car with a steady loud rushing that almost feels cleansing, summer shares generously. Yet among this, I feel a curious tension in myself, restlessness that neads unleashing. This may be hinting towards other things that are accumulating motion, anticipation of the full capacity while only able to taste the beginnings for now. Eating a little and start drawing, Tyler calls and comes over to visit. Feeling drowsy as I move the pencil over the paper laying in the bed near a breeze vented window. Letting sleepiness wash in, pulling a pillow over my head to darken everything around. Ringing, piercing, shattering the sleep Selena is on the phone receiving my nonsense replies until I ask her if she would rather talk to Mac who is awake. The restless need to break out is still churning, skateboarding at the library ledges might help, I find a curious clumbsiness has descended on me. After a little while Anthony shows up, mentioning that he called the house and they said I would be here, between us we are both putting forth a shabby effort and end up talking instead as darkness creeps in. It falls into a comfortable rhythm, telling each other that we should probably go soon, talking for a while, skating in bursty periods, and saying we should go again, while continuing to talk. Making plans and plots for travelling, perceptions and thoughts, finally we split directions for home.

    They say the sense of smell is the best agent for beinging back old memories, but for me it's music. As Video Disco Bargainville comes on the stereo, pounding a bass beat through my living room, the memories of this day come screaming back to me. The reflection of the sounds off the empty walls of the new apartment, with only a computer desk and restaurant kitchen shelving in the corner and our two bodies to absorb the sound. The sounds of 60 hertz fans from six server cases pushing their warm air into the surrounding atmosphere and gently kicking up the dust from the floor. The smell of ammonia, bleach, and industrial strength wasp killer. The feeling of dried-out hands and tired muscles. It all comes flooding in. The fading aura of slob and cigarette smoke blowing out the open window.

    This is my new apartment. Anything can happen here. Memories of her introducing me to new songs that her ex-boyfriend had introduced to her. New horizons. The smell of her skin and running gleefully around the new empty apartment, with it's decor and our lives full of fun and possibilities. I'm finally here in Maryland. On my own. Together with her. Memories of unfurling a cushy blanket over the newly polished hardwood floors in the living room because there's only a one-person cot in the otherwise empty bedroom. The hot summer air pulsing through the windows, the feel of newness resonating through everything. Wonderful potential, she writes. I agree.

    I peer through the flickering of a 12 inch CRT and the tones of my new telephone dialing up to the UMBC Internet, the familiar hum of the radio scanner and ham radio in the background as firefighters and police rush around Baltimore County. Later, the blinking green lights of data and audio that flow through wires that wrap around my new living room pierce through darkness of the night. The server fans and the constant whoosh of the circulating fan passing over my bare skin. Lying on the cot in the middle of my life. My computers filling the silence and the emptiness that have been left otherwise alone in. She's gone home to sleep alone like me. Past midnight. I get up off the cot and look around, butterflies in my stomach, and spin my arms around in the air of my new home by the warm light of my halogen desk lamp. New.

    Fast forward. The butterflies are back. My apartment smells just like, well, my apartment. The lemon yellow velvet couches are the same as they were yesterday, and will be tomorrow. The speakers thump, the sound bouncing to the walls and off the yellow couches while the servers hum quietly and talk to the world on their own at the speed of light. It's my apartment. Just mine. The place I hardly get to really enjoy these days. Where I never just sit by the stairs and dangle my feet over the guardrail anymore, or fill with the sweet smells of food being prepared. Where I just come back to sleep and chill after work.

    The music eats up the silence as the rain falls gently outside. The music stops and the memories fade with it. I press a key, and play it again. And again.

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