I've been working on buying a new house out here in Colorado... and it appears that we'll be signing the contract this week. It's a 5-level house (the basement is all mine, room for 12 of my computers plus the rack, and additional office space for my Ham Radio stuff). The big selling point was no covenants, ergo I will be putting up a nice 54-foot antenna tower.

Just signed up to teach four courses in my college during the Fall semester: three Windows Networking courses and an intro to Office 2000 class. I'm now looking into teaching at some of the other local colleges since I can make do at $32/hour.

Lost one of the processors in my main server, it seems that some of the thermal compound that Intel smeared on their processors leaked onto the pins while it was operating and killed it. This is the second Intel-installed cooling fan that killed a chip for me, so I'm going to stop using their crap and install real cooling systems, like Peltier junctions.

When you see Roninspoon, wish him congrats and condolences on getting shanghai'd into the Content Editor fold.

Now that I've actually been driving around Boston, I'm actually learning my way around town. Kinda scary, that it didn't take me 40 minutes to drive from Cambridge to Brookline. Okay, it was actually scary that it took me that long to begin with.

My truck is severely underutilized. Someone rode with me today and commented that "Hey, this smells new. Did you just get it?". Acutally, I've had it for a year now, but I rarely drive it. I guess I won't complain about this, thats for sure! But this would all change if I only had a parking spot, and that might happen if I would stop procrastinating and make some phone calls.

Of course, not having a parking spot means that I have to take the T, which means I need to leave work by about 11:40 or so (or take a taxi or walk 45 minutes). So maybe this is a good thing, because it encourages me to work less.

Speaking of procrastinating, I still haven't made it out to the Cape. I guess any beach would do, but I really want to wake up early some Saturday morning (HA!) and drive out there.... I love the Ocean, even if its probably cold. I want to make a new "beach rock collection".

Monday..we got back from CT last night around 11pm, spent four more hours on the net. Today, went to Port Jefferson, a little seaside town here in Long Island. Found a coffee bar called Tiger Lily, reminded me of Insomnia, back in Florida. Alot. Hung out for a bit, then continued exploring.
I feel so lost here in a way in Long Island. I mean, I'm back HOME, in New England. Yet I feel like a foriegner. When I arrived in Palm Harbor, Florida, two years ago, I knew I was an outsider, and acted thus. The defensiveness I held blunted the reactions I recieved as a crazy northern transplant. Now that I'm "home" I have no such armor. And I don't want it.
I guess the problem is that when was down there, almost right off the bat, I found myself in a "circle". I do like being alone, strive for it, but now that I have it (have nothing), I'm left wanting for more.
"So go out and make friends"
Sure. I don't want new friends. Just more to lose. But that's not how life works, and we all know that.
Doesn't make it any easier.
i sit down and see what happens, this is what comes out:

     this is the word is this the word this is not the word that the messed up becomes for the lax remote flax from the good seanos in the france french efrench germany greece with the islands (no nudity} rancid cheese from the dark deep devil like [END START]
     like in the movie that i saw the other night before i broke my watch it was called "sexy beast" it was good it had the devil it was dark and hairy and funny-looking it pointed a gun and kicked the box living in a box
     box; inside the box outside the box thinking outside the box just like my friend linnea who said she couldn't fill in a form cause she would be trying to fit her life into little boxes and she thought outside of the box too much to do that she also edits video
     video i once edited a video we took a class we made a video it was called "the rare and the exotic" it was about animals from different places that were on a farm it won an award it was good it was fun i also made an animation that won an award it was called "bovine surprise" it was about a steak that ate its silverware and that was funny i was a vegetarian since fifth grade that was so i must have made that since fifth grade i think i made it in the summertime between fifth and sixth or something like that i was walking in the commons and sarah cawley came up to me and talked about it she saw it she liked it she was rather odd but not as odd as my other friend sarah
     not as odd as my other friend sarah, sarah alexander, who i met in college she is from texas she sent me a postcard it had an obelisk from some foreign country maybe italy and there was a naked woman that would appear if you held the card right i wonder if she is ok she lives in texas she lives in austin there was that big tropical storm i don't know how far inland it got there was bad flooding probably worse than when it flooded here in portland a few years ago that was early 1996 they called it a "hundred-year-flood" it [START END]
     it


then better things come along
-From Diary of an Old Soul by George MacDonald:

July Tenth

Creation thou dost work by faint degrees,
By shade and shadow from unseen beginning;
Far, far apart, in unthought mysteries
Of thy own dark, unfathomable seas,
Thou will'st thy will; and thence, upon the earth-
Slow travelling, his way through centuries winning-
A child at length arrives at never ending birth.


I had my first real date last night since breaking up with my girlfriend, two weeks ago. This dating game thing sure is strange, but sorta fun. Yay for me.

Went to therapy last night. What fun - actually, not too bad. I asked her to stand in as Ann Landers for me! Giggle I told her I wanted advice on three things - my mom, my son, and my relationships. She passed on the teen thing - advised me to ask some one else (I already have) cause her specialty is adults, not teens. As for the big Mom question, she asked me to think about writing a letter, explaining why I couldn't behave predictably around my mom. And how that wouldn't be changing any time soon. I like that idea a lot, and I'll write the letter. I may not send it, I may just talk to her, but - it's a good idea, and it's where I'm at.

It was kind of fun having a question and answer day at the therapists - low key, no stress, no angst. Yay. The last was about relationships - and how in the last two romantic involvements I've been in, the two people didn't really get the message that either I wasn't in love any more, or that it was not going to end up being a happy happy joy joy couple thingy.

Now I know therapists are supposed to make you feel better - and all - and be on your side - but she really did. She said, based on my words alone, that it sounded like I had been pretty clear to both of these people and they really didn't get me. And that's the colossal truth. They love me, and all that crap, and I care about them, definitely, but - they don't really understand me or what I like or am into. For some reason, that makes me feel better, and less crazy.

Stories... We all are part of one, right?

Well, several, I guess. After all - I'm not only part of my story, but also of the stories of all the people I know: my sisters, my brother, my parents, my friends.

But if we all are part of stories, why do all the stories start out with "Long, long ago..." or "Far, far away..." or even "Someplace, somewhere, once upon a time..." why don't they just all start with "Somewhere (not here), and somewhen (not now)..."

It seems to me that so many stories ought to simply begin with "A person you see in the mirror everyday..." or perhaps, "Around the corner of your house..."

Nothing is really far, when you think about it. But the distance between you and all that's around you? That's frightening.

(I started thinking about this after looking at too many kindergarden books. You know, the ones with less than 30 pages, hard covers, and lots of pictures. Oddly enough, I only remember ever reading two of them. The Wild Things, and The Paper Princess. Maybe that's why I'm so weird. Or wired. Is there a difference?)

Please read December 4, 2001 if you ever read this.

God, I can’t stand my parents or my brother… I am 23 years old already, and I still can’t stand them. My life would be so much better if I communicated with them less… but I would feel like a horrible son and brother if I did that.

So I am doomed, and everything I talk to them, I go insane, EVERY… TIME….

My brother got home Sunday, today is Tuesday, I can’t stand his guts, and I haven’t seen him for a year…. He drives me insane… and we only met once since he got back.

He almost broke my finger.

I mean, wasn’t this supposed to all end a few years ago?

Will I hate my parents forever?

And no… I’m not blowing off steam… I always feel like this deep down inside, they just keep reminding me, again and again and again.

Maybe I am a sociopath, I feel no love.

I barely speak to my father… I’d be better off if I did the same with the rest. I fight with my mother whenever we do speak.

Other people are easier to get along with.

WHY DO THEY DRIVE ME INSANE?!?!?!

I'm sitting on the toilet last night, pinching a loaf before bed. Out of the corner crawls the biggest fucking cockroach I've ever seen. I swear to God I thought he had come to eat me.

He stopped in the middle of the floor, pulled the unfiltered Lucky out of his mouth, and asked if I was done with that issue of Architectural Digest.

I said yes, and handed it to him.

He sat there for a moment reading, and mentioned something about how nice Rob Lowe's couch is. I was a little too horrified to pay attention.

Then he rolled the magazine up, tucked it under his arm, and crawled away.

An ordinary workday can, occasionally, be the source of unexpected revelations.

Today, as I was working (doing historical research at the offices of the Union of Danish Smallholders' Cooperatives, Dansk Familielandbrug), I found myself in a philosophical conversation with one of the journalists working at their weekly trade paper.

As any historian will tell you, most lay people are convinced they know all about history. They're mostly wrong, but peace be with them, I have no problem with that. Unfortunately, some of them are militantly ignorant, and are eager to inform you of their misconceptions about history.

This particular layperson had a preconceived notion he wanted me to agree with: that history as a field of study was essentially a giant circle-jerk, and that historians mainly worked to give other historians something to do.

As with all statements of boundless bigotry, this one has a core of truth. But only a core. Sure, a lot of historians spend their time doing meaningless detail work which doesn't really contribute anything - but any field of research is like that. There'll always be someone else who can put the details together into a meaningful whole.

Nevertheless, I found myself actually having to defend my field of study, my career, and even my personal integrity to this gentleman. Since his mind was all but closed, this was far from easy.

Even so, I found a chink in the armour of deliberate ignorance, finally:

Me: Okay, look at it this way....you say you don't understand what history is for. That's fine, you don't have to understand what it's for. What you have to understand is what the lack of history means.

Him: What do you mean?

Me: Go home. Take all the pictures in your photo album. Holiday snaps, portraits of yourself, your wife, your family, your parents, grandparents, kids. Go outside, build a bonfire and burn them. Now go inside and gather up all your old love letters, postcards from friends, the first crayon drawing your kid ever drew for you. Burn them.
Next, destroy any family heirlooms - your grandma's china tea service, the paintings you inherited from your aunt, that kind of thing.
Now, you'll have effectively erased most of your history. How do you think you'd feel by then?

Him: Not so happy, I guess.

Me: Well, now you know what makes me tick.

I could tell this had made him think. I'm not sure I won a convert to the Church of Historical Preservation that day - but I really don't think he'll ever kvetch about historians again.

Got up at the last minute as usual, scraped my teeth, dunked my head in the sink and left the house. The first thing that struck me was that the school that normally sits across the road had gone. Instead there was a large pyramid that looked as if it was made out of that special brand of concrete they forge pear drops from.

Not allowing myself to be phased by ancient egyptian inspired confectionary at so early an hour, I headed for the tube. On the way down the road I said hello to the old lady who sits in her doorway, listening to Radio 3. With a creepy smile she reiterated how she would love to get her hands on that Gambucinni fellow and I walked swiftly on.

It's almost mid-July, so it was drizzling and as usual, I had been too lazy to put my coat on. Pulling my hood up, I walked like a pimp with a limp to see if people would be scared. Nobody showed any sign of even noticing me.

Life feels a bit like that at the moment. Is it the lull before the storm? Christ, I hope so. I have wanderlust biting my heels, a stupid crush, an urge to get rid of all my possessions and still I work full time, drink in the evenings, lie alone at night and wonder why I dumped my loving and lovely girlfriend.

There was a time when I thought I knew what I wanted... a good job, a nice place to live and, most importantly, someone to share it with.

Now?

Nothing means shit.

Starrynight is here, as of a rather protracted journey to Santa Cruz on Sunday. Yesterday we poked around Oakland Chinatown, not sure what else we'll get around to before he leaves. We'll see. I wish I could remember the Chinese poet's saying about the joy of friends visiting from afar...despite the very large amount of stress I'm under (and eustress is still stress!), it's so perfect to see him again.

PS I got one of those crush e-mails. It's very junior high school. Annoying, frustrating, and slightly flattering (or would be if I didn't suspect they just harvest addresses ;p) at the same time.

Added Everett & Jones Barbecue and listed it in San Francisco Bay Area Restaurants.
This morning I woke up at 7 am or so to my three cats running back and forth across the apartment as per usual. I had really nothing in particular to do today, so I plopped down in front of the computer.

I had leftover pizza at around 12 from the toaster oven, and I set to doing every last web search, music search, and research task I had wanted to do for the past several weeks.

I traded assorted barbs, jokes, and techy sorts of things on #playadelfuego on irc, and I chatted with my mom on aim. My mom and I are now both hooked on Alchemy, this game at zone.msn.com. Woe onto ye if you are also addicted. The highest I've gotten to is Alchemist 3rd Class. Pretty frightening.

I got some cds in the mail. An afrobeat compilation, Common Like Water for Chocolate, MC Non-Stop Reggae.

At about 4:20 or so I set the tape for Babylon 5, as I had a dinner date for later in the evening. I advised my friend Gina about a cd-rw for her laptop, then I got dressed to meet Drummergrrl. We went to this cafe in Baltimore called Donna's. It was kinda snooty, but we ended up getting filling meals.

We had this crazy ditzy waitress that had no clue what was going on. It was so funny. At one point she commented, "Oh you didn't eat your lemons." Haha!

Afterwards, we walked around and looked at all the fish that had been decorated around Mt. Vernon. There are more in the Inner Harbor, but we just saw a few near where we were. There was one called "We" with loads of spray painted happy meal toys and aol cds decorating it. It was really something.

Afterwards, we came back to my apartment, talked, petted cats, and listened to music.

So this is where you find me. Tomorrow I have an interview at UMBC for a web job. I am also in consideration for a full-time help desk position. Both have tuition remission, I believe. I am definitely qualified for the help desk position, and mostly qualified for the web one. There is a good chance I'll get one of them due to my experience and knowing half the tech department :). I am still nervous though. I do need a job to help with graduate school, and to get out of the damn apartment. Now I am off to watch my Babylon 5 tape. hugz.
Oh, I wasn't going to write a day log today, not at least off-the-work...
But I had a very good day indeed regardless of muscle stitches. See, we had the quadrotlon of department. I was fourth in overall results. Events, my results and positions were as follows:
- Javelin throw -- 37.50 -- 2.
- 100m -- 13.21 -- 8.
- Shotput -- 10.07 -- 9.
- Long jump -- 5.25 -- 2.
Well, enough that, seems like I took the sideline..

Yes, the happiness. I saw HA today for the first time since last summer. We met in a shop and discussed about half hour or so. Maybe one short extract from our discussion describes my feelings about her relatively well:
She works at Lutheran confirmation camps (I'll write a separate node on the camps later..) even though she claimed not to be a believer, at least not in the way the church teaches. The last camp she attended was near Turku which is close to where I was grown up. She said: "I've been remembering you.. (A break which is very characteristic for her. It's not a deliberate break but she just speaks quite slowly.) .. because kids on the camp talked in the very same way as you did."
What an ending! The break, lasting less than second and half, was such a pleasure! It's amazing -- a second like this makes your life worth of living. Once again my theory on the low-intensive usage of time was proved. Of course, I made these kind of reasoning much later, mostly I'm doing it at the moment.. You don't need money to be happy and making money prevents you having moments like this one.
Fair enough, I came down from my pink clouds quite fast but it was still a nice landing: I didn't come crumbling down.

HA was a girl whom I had, hmm let's say, a silly and very innocent affair with. This happened over a year ago and we are still very good friends. Really, all of my experiences disprove everything what's said on "Let's be just friends..."



That's that and actually I started the day log because I had an idea while running. -- I use quite often to have just one concept in my mind while running and I use to dwell on it. I've found it quite hard to think very fast while running but it allows me to examine the different (introductory) sides of the issue. -- It's about my dreams and because this idea links to relatively many of my dream logs and at least one day log I considered it better to write a day log today as well. I think I can justify the day log with its mindmap-like nature.

The dreams. I've seen many dreams relating to ice hockey lately. I played it two years when I was about 12 yo and I guess I had to suck because I scored only once even though I was a left wing. Sometimes the coaches didn't allow me to play at all. That's why I quit.
But I knew all the players of my age still at the high school. We were not very good friends but there wasn't any trouble with them until the second grade. It was one recess when we were sitting in the room with radio with my classmates. There were some ice hockey players near outside the room. We turned AM channels and in Finland you basically hear nothing but creepy voices from these channels. It was the case at this time as well but when we left I turned the volume up. Some of the ice hockey players were (unfairly) quite pissed with this.
Later on, we had the end of the school parties on the beach. One of the ice hockey players who was pissed by loud volume came to me and he was looking for a fight. He was badly drunk and he told me being a gay. I had to be because I had a long hair, Kurt Cobain -style. I kept calm and I was able to get out of it. I've never fought but this time was probably the closest so far.

And now, back to dreams. I don't believe in dreams but the interpretation I made up while running sounds very cool. Because all of these described above ice hockey and players have to represent my enemies and/or fears. While I've been dreaming about the game I've mastered the game, like: Dream Log: July 9, 2001 and Dream Log: May 30, 2001. However, don't ask what does Dream Log: June 4, 2001 mean...
This cannot mean nothing but that I've overcome many of my fears. There's one day log somewhatta linked to my conquering of fears. I've gained some self-confidence. Probably I'm a bit less introvert nowadays as well. Reading back my Document (sort of pseudo-diary) I gotta be much happier person now. Everything is much better now. I have got some dreams that can be fulfilled in the near future -- usually I tend to have only megalomanic dreams or bit pessimistic scenarios about how to live my life. I feeling pretty okay! Maybe dreams really are just reflections of reality...



Finally, I sort of promised to write nodes on theories by Karl Marx, mainly on political economy. As I said to Roninspoon I'm not a marxist but I think I know the theories relatively well. At least there are many confusions between stalinist abuses of Marx and Marx himself. I'm not going to attempt clarify the name of Marx or something like that because Marx was wrong many times for his theories were based on mistakes made already by Adam Smith and David Ricardo. I just hope people could easily refer to these nodes when needed and find them useful..

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