John Kendrick bangs dead people. Not just any dead people, oh no—only those who happened to share his name. And so John Kendrick trolls the public records and obits and gravesites, shovel and crowbar and lube and propylactics in tow. So far he has excavated and inseminated corpses of: a seaman, an economist, a railway executive, a senator from Wyoming, a bank robber and a plumber. There's an English cloth merchant he's had his eye on for years now. Except John Kendrick cannot apply for a passport on account of a misunderstanding with a graveyard or three.

Once John Kendrick followed John Kendrick, tech blogger from MD, into a secret time machine, hoping to make it to England somehow. Instead they ended up at an arts festival in Badenheim where the tech blogger had the gall not to die and nearly eluded John Kendrick upon traveling back to the future. John Kendrick clung to the outside of the time machine, hoping to go somewhere more likely to have dead John Kendrick for him to stick his dick in. Through a trick in the mechanics of time, he awakens in a blank space. John Kendrick had just enough time to look around and begin to panic when he awoke in the afterlife.

Upon seeing the river styx and Charon in his houseboat a smile began to slide across his face. And then all of a sudden, a pantsless John Kendrick Bangs emerges with a crowbar and procedes to give John Kendrick a great big bang.

Despite what the writeup above says, John Kendrick was a sea captain who lived from 1740 to 1794, time travel was just his hobby and as we shall see, he was very good at it. John Kendrick Bangs, however, was a satirist and novelist who lived from 1862 to 1922. They never would have met if not for the august captain who in his 1770s captain’s log mentions time travel to the turn of the century. Further research reveals Capt. Kendrick was involved in the original Tea Party and was responsible for procuring the tea from the 21st Century “Palin’s Special Blend”.

Obligatory Quote: “I’m John Kendrick, bitches! With my time shimean I’ma gonna pwn ye n00bs with Temporal Relativity.”

Short list of facts about Captain John Kendrick:

    Eternally 45 years old.

    Wrestled Jet-Poop in twelve different languages.

    First American on the Moon.

    First white American to eat peyote.

    Is himself peyote.

    Causes more pedestrian deaths per year than the City of Las Vegas.

    Kissed the Barney the Dinosaur Stone.

    Is Ronald Reagan’s Chief of Staff.

    Fully embraces Tea Party Ideology including a lack of pants.

    Summons demons.

    Created the dollar sign (-> $).

John Kendrick Bangs, however has this to say: “I’m John Kendrick Bangs. I like long walks on the beach and sex in wet and semi-wet sand.”

Short list of facts about John Kendrick Bangs:

    Is called the Casanova of Arizona State.

    Keeps a list of women he wants to bang. This list has every type of woman imaginable on it from “Fat dumpy stewardest” to “bitch’n hot bomb pop sales girl”. The list decreases in size by 20% every three months.

    His activities are a bad pun on his name.

    His germs are in circulation through all the courts of Europe.

    He is the Spanish Disease.

    He wrote the play Worsted Man: A Musical Play for Amateurs in two days.

    All North Americans share 12% of his genome.

    You are North American.

    Bangs added the S to his name in 1922.

    He wrote some satire.

    I don’t think he likes imperialism.

One day, John Kendrick is time traveling and lands in Brooklyn, 1900, and everywhere he goes he hears about John Kendrick Bangs banging such-and-such a dame.

“Welp,” says the Captain. “I’ma gonna find this rascal who is giving me my bad name.”

Up and down the streets he goes looking for Mr. Bangs, visiting all the brothels, flophouses, and cocaine dealerships in the land, until one night he hears a rumor that Mr. Bangs will be in Brixton banging British Babes next month. Kendrick hotly peruses this tip to Brixton and beyond figuring Bangs will probably wish to spend some time in Brixton and its ladies. Plus, Captain Kendrick has temporal refiguring on his side, so how can he lose his mark?

Turns out, Bangs was from the Zeus school of fucking and disguised himself as a lawn chair and a cold glass of lemonade. Kendrick walks by Bangs seven hundred and twenty-two times before deciding to be flummoxed.

But Kendrick is a no dricks-who-don’t-know-nu’den and he comes up with a plan! He builds this giant-ass net with pictures of the plumber Mario on it, and he fetches his niece from 1772, a fetching lass if e’er I did see one, with tweed hair and some button nodes and three eyes made out of coal. Kendrick placed his niece under 24 hour covalence and a net and soon here comes the Brixton Banger as a pail of milk rolling down the cobblestones.

Kendrick sprung the trap, trapping Bangs inside and said unto him:

“Yo! John Kendrick Bangs, I am John Kendrick. For forty-four years ye have fornicated and fucked my fair name to shame. Either halt or I will thrash you.”

“Yo!” Bangs replied. “I awm John Kendrick Bangs, I awm Quagmire before Quagmire. I cawnnot help my nature. You cawnnot help yours. Let us fawght.”

So they faught. For about a million years. Bangs burned Baghdad, Kendrick killed Kentucky, that sort of shit. When the aliens of Slazalk Five came down to find a horrified populace begging for succor from the endless battle, they left. The Slazalkians had their own version of Kendrick and Bangs in their history books and weren’t interested in reducing their civilization to rubble again, just to take out the Earth’s version.

Finally, in the Strait of Gibraltar, with all of Earth’s armies allied against them (not that they noticed), Bangs finally said, “Behold my cock! A prouder rooster there never was. Watch it recite poetry. See how Yahweh’s Ten Commandments are tattooed on its side!”

Captain Kendrick said, “That’s very gross. Ye cannot persist. I’ma giving you a wife. I’ve paid the forty-five oxen and twelve sheep and sixteen kine to her father in your name and thou shalt be tamed by this time tomorrow.

Bangs laughed at this, for, “What woman could tame John Kendrick Bangs?”

It was Janet Reno. A lesser known celebrity appearing in such films as the 1993 thriller Waco, Waco 2: Burn Them Alive, and Waco Part 3: This Time It’s Mormons.

With Bangs out of the picture, John Kendrick took over Earth.

There you have it kids. Obama, Palin, Perry, that Romney chap, the Demifucks and Republicunts, every single Libertarian, the Green Party, the Robot Ralph Nader, the Zombie Pelosi, David Craig, Churchill, David Cameron, Boris Johnson, Anton Chekhov, Carl Yeager, all work for our time traveling ubermensch Captain John Kendrick.

And you should listen to me, because after exhaustive searching of the largest library in my state, plus the Rio Grande Public Library System, then the internet, I have concluded that I am both the leading expert and most knowledgeable living source of information on these two influential gentlemen who so profoundly shaped and moved not just this country, but the world.

Sources:

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For Secret Santa Summer Nodeshell Challenge 2011

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