ATTENTION: Position available: CEO

We are an internet startup company looking to hire a CEO. Pay and benefits will be commensurate with the qualifications of the candidate:

Minimum qualifications are:

Must have a PhD or MBA and three to five years of relevant industry experience.
If you do not meet those qualifications, we are willing to accept a candidate with double bachelor's degree in two relevant fields, and two to four years of relevant industry experience.
If you do not meet those qualifications, we are willing to accept a candidate who graduated with one bachelor's degree with high academic marks in a relevant field, and one to three years of relevant industry experience.
If you do not meet those qualifications, we'll take someone who graduated with a bachelor's degree with low academic marks in a relevant field, and zero to two years of relevant industry experience.
Alternately, we are willing to settle for a candidate who graduated with a bachelor's degree with any sort of marks in any field, and zero to one years of relevant industry experience.
If you do not meet those qualifications, we'll hire anyone who has completed some college and maybe done an internship in this or a related industry.
Or, has a high school diploma and has heard of our industry.
Or, has a GED and has heard of "industry."
Or some book-learnin', as long as they haven't been to prison.
If you do not meet those qualifications, we are willing to accept a candidate who has been to prison, provided they haven't been to prison for a very, very long time.
Or a candidate who's been to prison for a very, very long time, so long as they've found God and they're really sorry for what they did.
Or if they've not found God, so long as they've got some sort of religious or secular ethos, and feel a tinge of remorse about what they did.
Or, if they've got no ethos and are not at all sorry for what they did, so long as they promise not to steal from the office.
If you do not meet those qualifications, we are willing to accept a candidate who promises to limit his stealing to less expensive office supplies and petty cash.
Or, a candidate who will steal us dry so long as they are a living breathing homo sapian.
Alternately, we will accept a candidate who is a very recently deceased homo sapian, or a well-trained chimpanzee.
Or, any human corpse. Or a an untrained, totally psychotic chimpanzee.
Or just a human skull, or any living animal.
Or a plant, if it is relatively low maintenance.

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ATTENTION: This position has been filled by a patch of moss. Thank you for your interest.

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