who writes a column for The Onion
called "The Cruise". Starts every column
with "Hola amigos!". Likes to "rap at ya" about the recent batch of unfortunate shit
that's happened to him, like being unable to pay for a new 8-track
player, or how he lost his latest minimum wage job, or how his so-called friends Ron and Wes keep smoking
all of his weed
and drinking all of his beer
Basically, the typical musings of Dazed and Confused-type pothead, but ten years removed from high school.