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Why am I not panicking? Everything hinged on this, but I’m relieved. I’ve gone right to the edge of what I could do safely, and jumped. Now I get to wait, but it’s ok. Pete called right after edebroux’s interview aired – he’d seen it by accident, scanning channels – he was very quiet on the phone, I did most of the talking which was unusual. There was a tone in his voice which might have been concern. Serious, rare.

Mike and Vicy came over and we ended up at Jerry’s – Horsefield and Karen and Bennett of all people were there too. We watched her interview again and played with the illegal kitten and talked too loudly and all at once. Nice contrast to last week’s silence.

Edebroux says there are still noodles in the steamer. Apparently this has become my job. Her suggestion is to wait till morning and maybe they’ll congeal and will fall out in a clump when I whack it. Mmmm.

“Why would you like me?” he said, and I told him to give me nine reasons why not. We are both so sure we’re right. I’m really hoping I’ve done the right thing.

This room (study lounge) always makes me sleep which is good this time since I got very little last night, woke up and couldn't stop THINKING, let’s guess the topic, shall we

later. edebroux just came in and asked what I’m dong today. I said “napping.” She wouldn’t tell me why she was asking, which means there‘s something she wants me/us to do which I am not going to like. Or I just have a generally negative attitude, who’s to say.

Vicy’s coming here after work to drive me to reclaim my car. The garage says they don’t have the faintest idea where to get a new speedometer head, which is what I may start calling Dan. His name anagrams into Electri-Anal Boxhead.

I’m being harsh and too easily irritated. On a cellular level I’m vibrating and it’s coming through – I know there has to be a next step so what is it -

BEing in a room with Karen and Horsefield is odd – we all Talk, laugh, but I never meet their eyes, we exchange no real words – they do nothing in my life, they have no lines or action

I need something to get my mind off it - this clearly isn’t working, neither legos, that’s absolutely the wrong way to go because I end up with my hands busy and mind free to fixate and worry and grind.

It amazes me how long I can sit (just now) and be motionless, totally internal – there’s something to learn from this I am sure

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