Not A Daily Poem

Black-felt lies of lustful eyes
Men are puppets of every size
Free from pain the dark one reigns
In Heavens gates of long disdain
Away from you my hardship gains
So long and true my heart is pained

Sister: What do you want to be called? Uncle R.J., Tio R.J., Uncle Memiro?
Me (confused): What are you talking about?
Sister: Come on, what do you want to be called?
Me (understanding full well): You better not be kidding, you don't joke around with that stuff. Are you kidding?
Sister: I'm not.
Me: Uncle R.J.

Dropped the bomb she did, apparently my parents don't know yet. This is not the first time this has happened, earlier last year she was pregnant. I was happy to have a new nephew or niece, sadly she suffered a miscarraige, which meant the baby died.

I came home after spending a lot of days at my grandmas, I wasn't even home for 2 minutes before my dad was yelling at me. I really need to get out of here. I had just bought 2 Jumbo Jacks, I gave him one. I ate in silence and went into my room to get on the computer. Talked to anemotis, she's silly. Tried to sleep but couldn't: it feels like these tiny little bugs are biting my skin and when I look, there's nothing there.

The December 1996 issue of National Geographic bears a carving of Genghis Khan on its cover. In addition to a thorough article on the great eastern military leader, the issue also contains articles about the Shenandoah River, Las Vegas, Ice Climbing, Berlin, and Crinoids (which happen to be those beautiful, feathery sea flowers you see adorning coral mantelpieces of tropical reefs, the gift of an aquatic lover, marine aquaintance, or merely the octopus garden out back).

Why do I know this? Because the issue currently protects a 1993 Information Please Almanac upon which it sits on the area of surplus carpet below me in this basement room. It has sat in this general location for the previous month, ever since I wrote an OAC English (OAC = Grade 13 for us throwback Ontarians) Creative in which we had to write an interior monologue for an alternate history R.P. McMurphy, in which his life is not extinguished in some west coast mental facility, and instead comment on present day concerns of ours using McMurphy's perspective and language. Please see stupid high school english assignments if you do not already have first-hand insight into the ridiculous nature of some of these assignments.

What was the purpose of this? To force myself to put the damn magazine on the shelf where it belongs.

He wrote me a letter. An email, really. I believe that the tone was conciliatory, but he wouldn’t pin the context down to anything. Just something he felt he should do, uncertain of my, or even his most probable response.

Doesn’t he get it that you can only betray someone’s trust with expressions of reconciliation that you’re not yet ready to give so many times? So many times before that someone can’t give you their trust any more? Ever. At all.

He would need to do a lot to earn that trust back now. And he’s not going to do it over email. If he’d written me a month from now, I’d think about it. But as it is, the last time is just too close behind... The last time he said he was sorry for all the ways he’s behaved and been cruel these past few months. He apologized through a friend, but it was an apology all the same. Later that very same week he exploded at me at a party, again, all full of the same self-righteousness that makes me believe he has no understanding of the fact that sometimes people just fall out of love. Sometimes no one is to blame. That I did not just cast him aside because he was imperfect, and that it broke my heart to hurt him almost as much he got hurt. Two weeks ago I was willing to believe him. I did give him that chance, even though I didn’t mean to, and then him spitting in my face all over again with that bile that has replaced his heart was the most bitter of returns. It had been so very long. Long enough for me to grow hope in people and in him, all for nothing.

And now he tries to offer again.

I want to explain to him why I have nothing to say, and why I can’t let him come close. I will not be held in contempt again, demonized to my own face as if I deserve it, when I have accepted the offer for no hard feelings. But I can’t. I know I couldn’t pull off such an explanation without sounding bitter, when sad and resigned is all I really am. Resigned to the fact that I know he’ll do it again. He’s too young of soul to have recovered and to be ready to be logical yet. So I say nothing, and hope time will teach him what happened here today, and throughout this whole, horrible affair.

He said something in a mass Happy New Year’s email to our listserve about how this year will be the year of “absolute karma,” by his decree. For his sake I hope not. I fear he built up a lot of karma last year. And almost all of it bad.
Once again, I am awake in the dark, lonely hours of the morning. Not once this week have I slept before 8 a.m. I wonder how i will resume the normal night-sleep pattern once my (joyously long) christmas holidays finish...

I'm not sure where to write this, or whether to write it at all, but it seems that I have found yet another group to look up to, but never be a part of. It seems to be a recurring theme in my life; to find people who I respect and then somehow convince myself that no one wants to hear my opinion, that I would be better to remain quiet, and unnoticed.

I sound like someone bewailing their unfortunate lot... but I am not a victim here, not by any stretch of the imagination, as little as I am a victim anywhere else. I'm forcing isolation on myself(and oh doesn't it feel good). I'm my own wicked stepmother, not letting myself out to play in the real world, knocking myself at every opportunity. I don't need anyone to victimise me; I do it all by myself.

I had told myself I was just going to write this to myself, and not post it up. I don't know whether to... but if anyone actually reads this, it means I'll have actually mustered the will to press that button

17:53

Early flight to Sydney with Mark, big back-at-work day today with meeting after meeting. Some interesting new database work coming up, it seems. Sydney's pretty quiet -- seems that most folks are still on vacation. Wish I was -- it was hard getting out of my warm bed at 5am..

My mentoree is doing great. I'm feeling quite protective of her, and feel her softlinking as if it were mine! I wonder if I'd feel different about her stuff if I didn't know how old she was..

Leaving for the Cleveland Hotel in 5 minutes to see my old friend Anjum, we'll probably have a thali over the road at the South Indian cafe..

21:30

Yep great thali, A Vegetarian Meal That Isn't Just Brown Gack was enjoyed by old good friends. Back in the office, E2 my first port of call. Dull dayblog it seems to me.. my Sydney days always feel less real and interesting than Canberra days.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S BEEN CHINGED!

21:48

Update! simonc's chest swells with pride that Sour has reached Level 2 today! And she'd done it by being herself in every wup. Sincere thanks to Sour for being cool, and to Rancid_Pickle for helping out with our young charge when I've been offline. /me picks Sour up and whizzes her around the room! Wheee! Now take your voting power seriously, love, and keep noding what you know about stuff that's important to you. Oh, yeah, think about getting a spell checker to make it all a bit easier, and remember that XP stoicism says it all. ^_^

10:57

Woke up at 10! Some progress! =)

The author advertised a new game (called Metal Warrior III) for Commodore 64 in news... I need to try that today... The game uses pucrunch, compressing over 300 kb of data to one disk side!

Need to gather some information to tell what's going on in Starship Troopers front.

Time to get the News.

16:20

I got a SCART distributor... Seems to work, now both the webcam and the DVD player get the Picture out...

When I went to the town, I thought of hacking xawtv to strip Macrovision and other stupid signal-messing things (so that I could actually watch the movies when hacking - with the TV card, the image jumps and flickers about and my eyes hurt) but regrettably that might be hard to include in xawtv because of legalized insanity in USA, or something. =)

16:58

Hmmmm... according to Animefu, Wings of Honneamise is available on DVD. MmmmIwonderifthisisavailableheretoo.

(BTW, since I'm in Europe, we have the same zone number as Japan. In your face, American Anime Fans! <accent type="annoying,French">Your mother was a hamster...</accent> =) (Of course, I never said I would actually order stuff from Japan, just that it's possible. I get bad feelings when I think of customs fees, not to even mention S&H fees... or delivery times...)

00:45

...I'm being an idiot, as usual...

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: The Klingon Hamlet Hotline

     I don't feel so hot today.

     I'm not so sure what is wrong with me. Maybe I just have an upset stomach, and it is tainting my entire mood. Maybe it's something more. To be honest, I really don't know.

     Much like I don't really know what I am doing writing in the daylog. I'm not so sure about whether or not I have something worthwhile to say. I'm a newbie to the core in a lot of areas, and E2 is definitely one of them. When I stumbled across this place by accident (so many noders come here that way, don't they?) I had no idea what I was in for. What lay before me was a vast matrix of ideas and facts. There was so much here, I felt that I could be lost forever, just reading the nodes that people write here - checking back with ENN often to devour new information or ideas.

     Yeah, so I spend most of my free time here - what about it? I'm not ashamed of what I choose to do with my life in my free time. This place is so much fun. You can lose a span of so many hours here, without even realizing it. I've always searched the internet for something like this - informative and entertaining. I've always wanted a legitimate forum to share my ideas and babble with others. When I came here, I thought that I had found what I was looking for.

     E2 is in a state of flux right now. On the one side, you have the people that think that this place should contain only (or mostly) factually-based nodes. There are others who believe that E2 should be used to store ideas as well, because ideas in some ways are more timeless and precious than facts themselves. The latter argument makes more sense to me. Why the negativity towards writeups that contain prose, poetry, or original ideas? Can't the two - fact and fiction - exist in conjunction with each other here? Why can't there be both? Why can't Everything be just that -- everything? What is the constraint? Is it hardware related? Is E2 running low on hard disk space? I doubt it. I just think that different noders have different ideas about what E2 should be. Some think it should be Utne Reader - some think it should be Britannica. I think it should do everything it can to be both.

     I guess my main concern can be voiced this way: Recently someone said to me in the Chatterbox "The people that own E2 have to make sure that their site contains a certain level of quality." This one threw me for a loop. People own E2? I wasn't really aware of that. I mean, sure, it took scrilla to come up with the hardware. It also costs money for the server to be connected to the T1 line. You have to factor in other things as well, such as InterNIC registration fees, development-time, and maintenance. I understand all of that, but I was still under the impression that E2 was a community project. I know there is a (fine) editing staff here, and that different levels invoke different privileges, but ownership? I thought E2 was a free-form exchange of ideas. I had no idea it was someone's science project.

     Someone once asked me if I believed in Heaven. I thought about my answer for a long while, and then came up with the conclusion that in order to be granted admission into Heaven (according to Judea-Christian philosophy) you had to be accepted by God into His kingdom. This meant that you had to live your life a certain way and make certain "Christian" decisions so that you can be deemed worthy of eternal life. Not everyone goes to Heaven. By this rationale, you could say that there is a certain degree of classism employed by those who believe in Heaven. I decided, and told my friend who asked me, that if going to Heaven meant pandering to the whims of a group consciousness and not being able to make decisions for myself, I was not interested. If Heaven were a club, I did not want to join.

     The same applies here. I'm not interested in a popularity contest. I don't want to be a part of some clique. I want to come here, meet people, and exchange ideas. I don't want to say that someone's idea is bad. I want to encourage those whose writeups aren't so good to node more and more (and edit the nodes that need them) until they get the hang of it - the quality of their nodes will improve over time. I don't want to constantly have to worry about a good writeup with a negative reputation just because it's deemed "Human Interest". I don't want to compare my node-fu with you. I don't want to boss people about in the Chatterbox and tell them they are stupid or annoying. I want to exist with you, peacefully, and open-mindedly. I want to learn from you, because you can learn something from everyone that you meet. I know that there is at least one thing that every single noder can teach me. I have a thirst for knowledge - it's what I'm all about. I want to support you, as you support me - positively.

     Yes, I'm discouraged. That doesn't mean that I am going to stop coming, or come any less for that matter. I'm just seeing a little more clearly that everything may not, in fact, be for everyone. I still think that it's for me, but that may change. Like I said, E2 is changing, and as the editorial restraints become more and more obvious, coming here becomes less and less fun. Who can say for sure what E2 will evolve into? I'll be here as long as I can, reading the wonderful nodes and writeups. I'll post when I feel I have something to add. I'll always look forward to reading what you have to say.

     When I logged on to E2 earlier, I was greeted by big letters at the top of the page which read "This place needs more actual content. Let's begin." I hope that was a joke. This place has content, more content that any one of us could likely get through in a lifetime of sitting in front of our computer screens.

     And that is more beautiful than any one specific person or group's idea of what this place should be.


     Downvote this w/u if you feel you should. It's okay. Just do me the courtesy of downvoting it because it was bad, and not because you disagree. Thanks! Remember - I'm always willing to talk!

Crown of thorns rarely lets up any more. Consumes me. Morality meaningless. Possibilities frightening.

Return from "snowboarding" trip 7:00 PM. Talk to Andie online. Afraid to be overly forward: might scare her away. 9:30 PM telephone her. Something happening tomorrow. Lisa online, having moral crisis. Unable to help. Leave mid-conversation. 11:09 PM go to Karren's with Aaron. Jenny already there.

Fail to choose movie. Leave for abandoned nunnery 12:30 AM. Attempt entrance by short route; new fence too tall. Girls trip, hurt selves. Enter by main gate. Look around. Find viable entrance. Leave. Head to Purrsnickety.

Karren, Jenny committed theft of key to Purrsnickety back door one week prior. Too afraid to break, enter. Park direct rear of shop. Examine premises. See cat inside. This amuses them. Try key in side door. Fits, does not turn. Return to rear door. Key turns. Others fear silent alarm. Move car. Return to door, open it. Only one room. Bathroom. Good laugh had by all.

Return with Kerlin. Return again with Christine. Good laugh had by all. Spend few minutes at Christine's house. Crown of thorns acting up again. Urge to hit her with wine bottle.

Tragedy averted. Not for her sake. Sleep will come soon. Koyaanisqatsi.

After a prolonged siesta (=days away from work) from noding on E2, I have finally returned!

Hence, my thoughts for today:
I took yesterday off in order to have a late lunch with my dad and Uncle Joe yesterday. It was one of those awkward lunches where I wanted to say something, just anything to cheer him up. But then I realized that his fallen marriage cannot be repaired so easily. I wonder if this will ever happen to me - although I highly doubt it.

His stares into space were that of emptiness. He misses his son dearly and remembers the turmoil he had with his wife whenever my dad tried to say something about it. I could see it in his eyes. He did not need to explain to me how his life is so devoid of love right now.

I also met his new girlfriend and friends of hers as well. It was a room full of alpha males and females. Actually, there were two men and four women that were strangers to me. Talk about social shock!

When I compare the two instances, how my Uncle was loving and kissing another, and the emptiness he feels, I can't help but come to the conclusion that:
It won't last.

His Love for now may actually be the "flavour of the year".

I am so sad for him.

in memory

of going with nothing nowhere over and over again.

for the adrenaline

for the frames, baroque or minimal, that make empathy and exchange possible.

In affectionate memory of language and installments

sport and penetration.


I hope I had given you
picture frames and fear
the reasons i kissed you.

5:37pm: - well, I was right. I'm sick as a dog, but I don't have a fever so it doesn't even feel legitimate. Bollocks! Productivity today so far has included reading some of an old latin textbook and getting some serious kicks out of it, and developing a questionably healthy addiction to Banging In the Nails by The Tiger Lillies. I mean, it's so catchy and all, but I always feel like I'm being watched when I listen to it.

Also spoke to boyfriend on the phone; he sounded a wee bit...well, distant. This could be due to the fact that he's in Sydney and I'm in Toronto, but I hung up the phone feeling a bit on the weirded out side of hunky dory. Maybe because I'm usually the one who gets distant first. I can't even decide, if he is getting cold-shouldered, whether I think it's a good thing or not. Sigh. That's right, take some more codeine and forget about it.
The difference between My work and Myself.


This is a topic that has been brought up recently amongst my peers, a few people in particular who don't node, but see fit to read what I've noded and then "punish" me for doing or saying or writing something (It's important to note here that these people don't seem to be able to communicate very well, and as a result use their work to communicate.) For implying that I'm in love with them, or that I hate them or whatever. It pisses me off. Which wouldn't matter expect, when your best friend won't talk to you for three days because of something he's read, you tend to get a little pissed off. So, the policy is:

If you want to get to know me, talk to me. If you want to know what I'm thinking, ask me. If you're interested in me, spend time with me. If you're a fan of b-grade lazy poetry, pseudo lyrical essays, and the like, read what I node. DON'T read my shit and expect to know me afterwords.

I think this is a stellar policy.

And, while I'm on the subject of "My Work", I'm currently looking for constructive criticism of stuff I've written. If you're interested in doing this, please /msg me.
15:42 PM PST

I hope everyone had a good time on New Year's. I am getting old because I found myself asleep at midnight cuddled up with my man. We went to the beach for the weekend, and spent most of New Year's Eve cuddling on the couch in front of a fire with the ocean just outside the window. It was very nice. He surprised me with my engagement ring. We were both really drowsy around 11, so we got into bed and fell asleep right away. The entire hotel seemed to be packed with rowdy people, so we both woke up at midnight to lots of yelling and screaming. We kissed each other and went back to sleep.

I spent yesterday home sick from work. Something I ate did not agree with me and I had a major stomach ache. Once I slept for a while, I felt better. I spent part of the day cleaning up my apartment, mostly sorting through things and taking out trash and other materials for recycling. I also cleaned up my kitchen table and filed away a bunch of paid bills and other miscellaneous things. Pretty boring.

I love The Onion. I got an Onion daily calendar for my desk, and I have a feeling I'm going to be spending every morning for the next year laughing my ass off at something stupid. Or, at least smiling half-heartedly.

It seems like every time I log on to E2 there is some new controversy or people talking about what E2 should be or shouldn't be. I'm glad that I don't pay attention. I guess this is the part of the day log where I rant or take a stand, but I'm not going to. I dislike politics and I dislike cliques. I have no desire to get involved with either. I just want to read and write nodes. So, that's what I'm going to keep doing.

Just node.

School is back.

My New Years resolution was to be more consistent. Much more liberal and forgiving than previous years. I remember a time in my life when I wrote a bulleted list of things I must follow in the New Year. I also remember writing down every single thing I did every day to make sure I didn't slip up. When I cheated my own rules I kicked myself in the ass. Glad those days are over.

The first day of the consistent thing went okay. As long as I do 3 hours a day of horrible bullshit that I don't want to do, it won't pile up and become insurmountable. Today I unpacked all of my stuff, put a bunch of things in storage and bravely cleaned out the fridge. Tomorrow will be waiting in line for student loans and immediately going to the bank.

The classes were dull but manageable. In Organizational Theory there was a get-to-know-you session where everyone stated their favorite movie. Everyone had really tacky-ass taste and then it got worse. The Prof said he loved Bruce Willis everyone suddenly liked Die Hard 2 and Unbreakable. Don't these people have souls?

10:24pm

I didn't get much sleep last night. I was very tired today. After lunch, I had a small chat with TC about what happened last night, and she told me some very encouraging information. She said that Sara was very excited after I asked her out. It feels so good to know that someone is not only interested in me, but was excited that I asked her out. Suddenly, the thought of being something special to someone who I was attracted to, rushed over me and I broke down. I had to go somewhere by myself for a few minutes to let the emotions pass.

I mentioned to TC that I wasn't sure if I should invite CR and his date (who are both Sara's friends) along with us to the movie on saturday. She said that CR wants to give us some time alone, and he's going to see the movie tomorrow anyway.

Sara is at the Orange Bowl tonight. She had already planned to go weeks ago. I'm watching the game now on TV. She was so beautiful last night. I love her. I sent her an email last night, but it was after she had already gone to sleep, but she sent me an email while I was writing mine. She probably won't get my message until late tonight, since she had a bunch of stuff to do today before the game.

I didn't get much work done today. I'm still quite tired now. I need to get to sleep early tonight so I can at least have a chance of getting some work done tomorrow.


12:33pm

Must sleep now.

Bah.. this is one of my only negative daylogs.. why?

...and a happy new year. For the holiday, we went to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, and had Italian food and stayed up late. There were plans to drive up to Mt. Diablo to watch the sunrise, but those were foiled by the fact that we slept till 9:45. Oops.

The Forbidden City exhibit at the Oakland Museum of California comes to an end soon. It goes to Houston next and last, so see it if you get the chance. This means that I have to find a job either within the museum or elsewhere. Yes, here we go again. I sent off three resumes by e-mail yesterday, and got three requests for interviews today. Not bad! Cody's Books, Cost Plus World Market, and IWITTS (www.iwitts.com)--and not in retail either, thank you. So we'll see.

Hmm, Cody's hasn't been noded. Bay Area noders, anyone?

Today is a really bad day for me. I don't know what it is. It was imposible to wake up and get out of bed. I can't seem to think straight, my eyes hurt, my back hurts, everthing just seems to hurt more than usual lately. Is it just age? Am I just becoming more jaded as life goes on? It's hard to remember to enjoy the simple things on days like this. I should be happy after all work is not too slow or too busy. I just feel as if I'm missing something, like I left something of myself while I was asleep last night. Well enough drama for now. I'll go try to shake this nasty mood with some Jolt.

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