What happened? or, rejection hurts.

Last time we saw each other, we held hands. In front of her porch, we kissed.

Later that week, on Thursday morning, she went to Boston for a debate tournament. She got back Sunday.. She called me as I was helping a mutual friend with computer problems. After I got off the phone with him, I told him to call her because she wanted to talk to him and he was leaving tommorrow to go out of town.. I called later that night but woke her up, whoops.

Monday afternoon I call her and our conversation is almost nonexistant. Awkward silences. I write her an email before I go to sleep, at about 3 am. We haven't done much in a while so I strech for conversation topics: (She seemed out of it Monday / just bought my textbooks.)

Tuesday, I get a response to my 3 or 4 paragraph email: "One word: HUH??". I told her I was just trying to start a conversation. Tuesday night, I call her. No answer. She doesn't return my call. I get an email that night, she tells me about who is sponsoring her for her next tournament. I write back. I talk on IM with her, barely, she doesn't seem interested. She leaves pretty quickly after I sign on.

Wednesday night, I call her. No answer. She doesn't return my call. I get home and sign on. She has been online for an hour or so.. No response to my email. I talk to her on IM. We talk about spades. She tells me I have way the fuck too much time on my hands when I tell her about a strategy me and my friend had for spades. She shortly tells me she's going to sleep and sign off.

Thursday, and I've gotten no calls from her. She has not yet responded to my email where I asked if she was going to tournament X this weekend.

We have known each other for about 6 months. Previously when I have felt like I have been rejected by her she has told me that I think wayy too much and have been reading too much into simple situations (such as her being sick.) But right now I feel utterly rejected and I am upset.

I am not saying it is her fault. We probably have differing expectations concerning the relationship between us. Perhaps I am unable to give her space. But I would at least like an explanation that she would like to be left alone, you know? Or at least an explanation that she will be busy this week because of ... etc. I feel like I'm standing out in the cold, waiting to be invited inside, and having the door slam shut on me.


A day is countless pages. A single day is chapter after chapter. Hitting the statistical highlights of a life and calling it accurate is like listening only to a greatest hits album. Sure it’s fun, but you’re probably missing the one really good lyric or riff in some obscure b-side that defines the essence of the band to you. I like thinking on paper because nothing escapes. My memory, inked fibers, is perfect.


NMSU Counseling Center
Client Information

Date: 01/16/2001

------------------------PERSONAL DATA

Name: ********
SS#: ***-**-****
Local address: ********
Las Cruces, NM 88001
Email address: ********
Contact by email: yes
Current phone number: Home: (505)***-****
Work: (505)***-****
Preferred contact: email, and then home number

Date of birth: 06/14/1978
Current age: 22
Sex: M

Emergency contact: ********
Address: ********
********
Phone: (***)***-****
Relationship: Parents

Marital status: Single
Ethnicity: White

Student status: Full-time, graduate student
Semester credit hours: 9
Current GPA: 3.85
Major/College: Computer Science

------------------------CURRENT CONCERNS

1. Crisis? no
2. Can wait? yes
3. No immediate need? yes
4. Depressed? medium
5. Suicidal? low

Counselor preference? Someone familiar with gender issues

------------------------REFERRAL INFORMATION

Previously a client? no
Who referred me? friend

How did I become aware
of the services? NMSU website

What brings me here? I have issues with my gender identity, in that I
believe I am a MTF transsexual. I have pretty much
come to terms with this, but would like to at least
try to follow the treatment methodologies as
prescribed by the Harry Benjamin Standards.

Group counseling okay? yes

------------------------DEGREE OF CONCERN

1. Academic Mild
2. Alcohol/drugs None
3. Anger Mild
4. Anxiety Mild
5. Career concerns None
6. Family relationships None
7. Death/grief/loss None
8. Depression Mild
9. Divorce None
10. Eating/weight Moderate
11. Family violence None
12. Financial matters Mild
13. Health problems Mild
14. Legal problems None
*15. Life transition Moderate
16. Parenting concerns None
17. Past family probs None
18. Peer relationships Moderate
19. Pregnancy None
20. Rape None
21. Childhood abuse None
22. Relationships None
*23. Self-esteem Severe
24. Sexual concerns Mild
25. Sleep difficulties None
26. Stress management Mild
27. Suicidal ideas Mild
*28. Other Severe (gender identity)

* indicates "circling"

What have I already
done? Self-identification, communicating with transgendered
friends online, deep introspection, meditation

Applicable words: cowardly, unassertive, misunderstood, bored,
in conflict, full of regrets, worthwhile, intelligent,
considerate

------------------------RELATIONSHIPS

Mother: In the past it was somewhat tumultuous, but nowadays
we get along very well and definitely enjoy each
others' company.
Father: I don't feel as close to him as I'd like to, but we
definitely have always gotten along, and I have a lot
of respect for him.
Siblings: Brother (17) - highly competitive, but overall we
get along very well.
Sister (25) - we don't understand each others' points
of view, and we get on each others' nerves easily,
but we're okay otherwise.
Home atmosphere: Very intellectual, as both of my parents are PhDs.
As the middle kid I always got picked on by both of
my siblings, but we've all grown up since then.
There have never been any real family difficulties,
and home life was always very good.

------------------------OTHER IMPORTANT INFORMATION

I've pretty much always felt that I should/would be female, though it
never really manifested itself as anything being wrong until after
puberty. After years of introspection, I can find no other cause for
my feelings, and my self-image is always feminine even though my
interests are't "typical" female things (but societal gender roles are
highly inaccurate anyway). In my dreams, if gender is an issue I am
either female and it's correct or I'm male and it's horribly wrong. I
have had dreams about becoming or being validated as female, and I
always wake up incredibly happy from those. There is no sexual or
fetishistic basis to my desires - I don't get any 'rise' out of the
thought of being or dressing as female (though both are things I
desire very much). Whenver I am referred to as "ma'am" it feels a lot
more correct than being referred to as "sir." Being female simply
seems much more correct to me than being male. Additionally, although
I hate my genitals, it's not surgery which is a driving factor for me,
but simply being accepted as a woman in society.

------------------------HEALTH BACKGROUND

Prior health problems: Asthma (still being treated, though no longer severe)
Carpal tunnel syndrome (self-treated, currently
under control)

Current medications: Cromlyn sodium, albuterol sulfate (for asthma)

Individual counseling: Saw a clinical social worker in March 1999 for
my gender issues, was completely unhelpful (and
following the "advice" he gave me only ended up
hurting back my relationship with my family)

Group counseling: In late 1999, I was living in the Washington
DC
area, and I attended a transgender support
group. It was very positive and uplifting.
Unfortunately, I could only attend one such
meeting, as my life got interesting soon after
that and I ended up moving back to New Mexico
soon after.

Alcohol/drug use: Once or twice a week I'll drink an "adult
beverage
" with a mild amount of alcohol, where
the alcohol is simply there as an enhancement
to the flavor. I have no dependency on the
alcohol or the need to relax or the like, and
to me, alcohol is just something which helps
to bring out the flavor in certain foods and
drinks. I also use wine (usually sake) in cooking
on occasion. I take acetaminophen for migraines,
which I usually have 1-3 a month, and even
then I only take the acetaminophen as a
placebo since it doesn't actually work. I'm
weird that way. I also briefly took St. John's
Wort
, but it ended up just making me anxious and
I found that self-acceptance was better for
depression than SSRIs anyway.

1:33am

I exchanged a few emails with Sara yesterday to get synchronized on where we stand. We're agreed to be good friends, and that's alright with me. She is still interested in going out to do things, but just as friends. I'm just happy to spend time with her either way.

I'm making some CDs for a friend at work, just finished the last one, and planning to go to sleep soon. I don't plan to go to work until noon, so I should still get plenty of sleep even if I don't get to bed until 3am. I just put some clothes in the dryer (shared by the apartment building), so I have to remember to go pick those up before I go to sleep. I already had to be reminded by my brother to go take them out of the washer.

I need to do something this weekend. I plan to maybe see a movie, but that's only 2-3 hours at the most. I need to do something new and interesting. I should spend some time looking through the web and the local phone book for things to do around here. It sucks to not be intersted in clubs or alcohol, because everything to do around here seems to be to party and/or get drunk.


10:34am

I woke up earlier than I set my alarm for. I guess I'll just go on into work now. I was thinking about just waiting a while and browsing the web in the meantime, but I can do that at work :)


The rest of the day was quite busy. A bunch of us decided to take an extended lunch and go to the morikami park for a few hours. By the time we got back, it was almost 5, and we decided to go home early.

CR invited me to a LAN party and I spent the rest of the night there.

hypersensitive

not only moving towards intense introspection (I just don't think quite like I used to) but moving towards beauty (never has poetry been so strong and sharp a presence)

I only wish I knew what they were (they were strangers to me before, and I am not quite sure what to make of them); accustomed to mediocrity (a pleasant, mellow; not quite dull, not quite stimulating state)--I am flustered and floundering in these new extremes (I am not comfortable, and I don't know how I came to be here).

strangely social and reclusive at once--demanding attention and likewise refusing it (I am lonely in groups--the simple, intimate groups passively push me away, and I am actively alone). I like being alone (there is something sweet and cold in solitude. Maybe it's God, maybe it's me)

I want displays of affection, yet I shrug off the touch on my hair, the hand on my shoulder (I am not touchy-feely, and I don't want contact from them).

Strangely closer to my family as I am further away (I miss my dad's guitar and our walks, talks of life and trees and dogs).

I want to write poetry, but frankly the thought terrifies me (failure is inevitable)


So I'll leave it alone.
My skin is crawling.

My hands are killing me.

I found purpose within e2 as one of the music theory guys, which is great. I'm down.

In about 10 hours I have to go have a wide excision performed on a former mole which was biopsied half a month ago. It wasn't a melanoma like the other one, it was dysplastic which means that it had ambition but little motivation.

The big hunk of my back they'll be taking out will hurt like a bitch, because they'll cram the skin together and sew it up directly over where my walking muscles connect, flex, and move. Which means no booty, no running, no breakdancing, *poof* set it and forget it.

Now I am tired, but when I'm all broken and can't go anywhere for the next two weeks, guess who's gonna get forcefed more general instructions for species counterpoint?

Factual noding is more fun if you have a thinly veiled sadistic alterior motive to go along with it.

?

Set it and forget it. Then come back to a yummy meal only 194 and a half hours later.

WOOHOO

It's snowing

I love snow, it makes me all excited inside. I got up, Sarah looked out of the window and let out a brief, but significant "Yipee". It's made my day and it's only 10:10! I hope it carries on snowing all day, then I can cycle home after work and have fun. I haven't done that for years. I feel like I'm 6 again, and it's christmas day.

If anyone needs me, I'll have my nose pressed to the window until lunch. Then I'm going to the pub for lunch and I get to go out in it!!

update: 10:23
Big fat hairy bollocks
It stopped snowing :(

update(part deux): 16:22
Yet another woohoo
Only 2 weeks to go until my last day of testing!! Then I get moved onto another project. I don't know what it is or what it involves but it HAS to better than this! This is really good news for me and makes me sooo happy. It's gotten to the stage where even the smallest things on this project get to me. If the device crashes or even the computer I now have a tendency to swear profusely. Oh well, it won't be my problem for much longer. I just have to write a short report for the day the I'm off home. Finishing before 6 is a real luxury!

Signing off for the week
pjd

14:32

So... Today, I sort of woke up in time. Then I fell asleep and woke up at 1. During the past hour or so, I hunted for new images in VCL to send them to a friend with Limited Net Use Time.

I-Drive is still experiencing "technical problems". Damn.

Well, I hope today will be more interesting node-wise than yesterday! =)

Onward to Usenet...

19:14

Damn! My radical ideas about noding "Skogen's guide to the lag" (as a single writeup) have already occurred to the others =)

19:40

::sigh::

"Everything good that can be noded has been noded." Or at least it seems like it.

Well, the evening is young...

22:47

Grrr... headache. And I don't have anything to cure that... At Daily Consumption Of 3 Potfuls, Mr. Coffee Isn't Your Friend. =(

(Philosophical stuff: Is "Mr. Coffee" a fox?)


Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: Bavarian Illuminati: Advertisement Hybris

Updated: Principia Discordia

A friend of mine from the other end of germany will walk through the office door within the next 60 Minutes, as she is applying for a job as a sysop, and i have no idea how i should act. My boss has problems with relationships between co-workers.
Problem.
We are just friends, but it looks like there is more. This we sleep in one bed, but do not have sex-thing. The door opens, i leave my desk -turn on xlock- and move over, hug her and kiss her?

Impossible

Look up, say Hi! and get back to coding?

No way. She would feel unwelcome and fuck up the talk with my boss.

There is no escape. I know her train arrives at 16:32. Now its 15:45. Maybe i will go out for a smoke at 16:40 (it takes 12 minutes to get here from the station.
When i am back, at 16:55 or something, she will already be talking to my boss, so i can just say Hi!, give her a smile and get back coding.
This is my first Day Log, i did not know another place to put this...
16:24 Her train should be in Hamburg-Harburg now. I'm so fucking nervous.

16:34 If the railroad company has not fucked up their schedules again, she is in Hamburg now, finding her way by a printout of a e-mail i sent her.

16:40 smoking time ;)

16:54 My evil unbeatable smoking master plan did NOT work out. I'm back at my desk, my problem stays.

17:00 I dunno where she is... *panic*

17:15 The radio plays personal jesus by DM. It calms me.

Update She got the job. Wo-Hoo! Everything worked out fine as my boss was not in the office when she came in, so we could talk a bit.
friday

wake up with heartburn and rumbly guts, but in good spirits. i've been painting the past few nights, good stuff. nothing i am ready to show anyone, but good stuff nonetheless.

my first day as an editor. i think i shall specialize in cut-and-paste writeups. they irk me quite a bit and i don't mind doing the investigation to find them.

on that note, i heartily advise EVERYONE to make it a habit to investigate ANY node that they are considering cooling.

there is a lady at work who is in the process of starting divorce proceedings with her husband. he has been quite stupid, leaving logs open on his computer of his encounters with women on the net. i can relate so much to this woman, given that my last boyfriend was a putz, too. he would wait until i went to sleep, grab the KY and go masturbate in front of the computer, either while talking to women or while looking at pictures of women. i know some women don't consider this to be infidelity. I DO. it's a habit i think is creepy and discusting in a relationship unless both parties agree that it is an okay thing.

anyhoo. thank god it's friday. my man comes home tomorrow. yay! we shall eat mushrooms and mashed potatoes, drink wine, and cuddle.
new nodes: these are to add to my growing list of writeups about crassulaceae, with rosette forming genera being my primary focus. Future additions will include rosularia, graptopetalum, aeonium, dudleya, and X graptoveria (an intergeneric hybrid made by crossing graptopetalum with echeveria).
Well, today makes 6 months for my girlfriend and I. It doesn't feel like 6 months though. it seems like just a little bit ago we met at that stoplight in Boulder. Funny how just a chance meeting like that could turn out to be somehting so wonderful.

She is one of the nicest, most caring people that I know. She's my best friend on top of being my quote/unquote lover. I have told her things that no one else will EVER hear come from my mouth. She makes me feel wonderful, both about myself and about life in general. It's such an incredible feeling to know that there's someone out there that loves you with all their heart. And whats more is that you love them back with the same intensity.

For christmas, instead of buying me a gift, she took a journal and put in pictures of she and I, little quotes that help to describe how she feels about me and this relationship, inside jokes between us, and pages upon pages of letters to me talking of how much she cares about me and reasons why she does.

I had just come back from a trip to Florida to see my family and I came back to the house to find a candle lit dinner for two, and a lasagne that she had made herself. There on the table was also this book she had made for me, and as i read it in front of her, I was on the virge of tears.

She then told me of the significance of the book and what she hoped we could do with it. It was, she said, a book that she has written down the wonderful times and memories that we have shared over the course of our relationship, and that she gives it to me (with not all the pages filled) in hopes that i can do the same thing. Then as time goes by and we grow closer we can have somewhat of a mutual journal to write things down in, and pass it back and forth between us for eachother to read.

When she told me this, the impact of what she had done for me truly hit. She had put so much thought into this gift that it wasnt even funny. it made my gift (a cheneale scarf) look like i had given her a tonka truck instead.

I had always thought that i was a pretty romantic guy, but some of the things that she has done, totally blow me out of the water. They make my romantics look like were offereing her my ABC gum.

Heinous in Germany - 19 Jan 2001

> This morning I woke up and had a nice East German Bratwurst on the way to work for Frühstück. It was quite good. After being at work for a while, I said goodbye to Randall, who was leaving for Switzerland, humorously enough, just a day before I am to leave. I think he is going to a town north of Zürich, however.

In the afternoon, I discovered the SuSE ping-pong table. Oh, what a horrible discovery this is. It seems that when there is a ping-pong table in the vicinity, all productivity goes out the window, for me. I don't know why this is. It is not that I am good at ping-pong. On the contrary, I am amazingly bad at ping-pong. There is just something addictive about hitting those bouncy little balls around. I discovered the table, when I headed downstairs for a smoke, and to find some chocolate. Marc helped me find the place where all of the food and chocolate was. As we were doing this, we passed by the evil ping-pong table. I couldn't stop myself from skipping into the room and picking up a paddle and a ball. Marc and I played for a while, and fortunately he is not that much better than I am. We played off of the walls, the radiator, the floor, the ceiling, etc. It was, what I like to call, "Creative Ping-pong".

After that, it was hard to work, because I kept thinking about the darned table. I got an email from Jay (another guy from the Oakland office), saying that he had arrived in Nuremberg. He called, and we discussed if we should go out to dinner or breakfast. I informed him of my early departure to Switzerland, and Frühstück seemed to be out of the question, given the jet-lagging he will probably be doing. I'll probably end up seeing him next week some time.

Our file server went down, for a little bit. It was not too bad, just a problem with one of the switches, so I didn't loose any work. I keep joking the the German office is just trying to be as cool as the Oakland office, which seems to be going down quite a bit in this silly power crises. The server went up and down for the rest of the day, until I got tired of waiting for it to work, and went to play more ping-pong with Marc. After about 2 hours of ping-pong, we got tired, and left for unknown parts for dinner. I think we are going to try a German Mexican restaurant. That should be an experience.


More to come later . . .

I usually dont write daylogs, because of the fact that they are usually very very bad. This one is no different, because it is a RANT!
You have been warned.

Ok, today if friday, thats a great thing, dont you think so, yes, yes you do. and I agree. But it seems that someone painted a sign on my forehead that states "TREAT ME AS BAD AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN!"
I dont know what it is. THe day started out great, woke up early, took my shower, ate breakfast, and didnt even forget to bring my luch to school with me. But as soon as I left the house, my day went straight to hell. My bus driver is a Banshee. Shes never on time, shes very early or very late, if she even decides to come at all. And its not like shes not important. On any given day, if I miss the bus, there is no way for me to get to school, which means that my grades go ker-plop. And she has been known to do that. But thats not what happened today. Like I said, it was raining, and once i got t omy bus stop, it seemed to rain bigger, not harder, just bigger, as if the water was wetter and the cold was colder. So i stood there in the rain, cursing the world. And i waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited.I was completly soaked by the time that the bus actually showed up. But thats where it gets worse. On a "normal" day, the bus drives past my stop down the road, out of site, turns around, and comes back to pick me up. This usually takes about 15 seconds, 30 at the most. Today, for some god forsaken reason, it took 15 minets. 15!, not 1, not 5, 15! I was very very pissed, as was my brother who was there with me the whole time. As i get on the bus i begin to express my anger in a vocal fashion, but cursing at the bus driver and saying how incompetent she is and how i think that she, her mother, and (god forbid she actually has one), her daughter are all the whores of Gamorrah. She, in retalation, calls me a nerd, A NERD! Is this suppose to offend me? I mean COME ON!, shes a bus driver, whats worse than that. And so i said so, that yes, i AM a nerd, and when i grow up will have a better job and make more much more money that she ever will. She told me to get a job, i said i have one and get paid $$$, which made her stutter and almost crash.

Now dont think im an evil person for cursing at my busdriver. This woman is evil. She could curse a blue streak up the popes white robe. And to KIDS! how low can you get. So as i get off the bus at school, soaking wet still, she says "come to the office, im writing you up", to which I retorted, "blow me", which was in no ways an invatation. THats the last i saw of that fat and ugly whore for today, thank Jebus.

Now thats enough to piss me off a little, but not completly. For that, i will have to up date later, because i need to go to my next class. Ill finish this later, 2:44 PM EST /rant

The vibe around the office today is really bad. Really, really bad. Our parent company has imposed a budget on us that is simply unatainable, so the axe is falling sharply. It looks like half of the tech support staff, the advertising exec and a third of the IT staff (that's me) are going to be hit by the swinging blade. The CEO talked to me about this yesterday, and he wants to have me 'reassigned' to another venture in progress by one of the partners. I'm not sure it'll happen, 'cause I'm seldom that lucky. I want to believe he can, but I'm not being too hopeful, lest I be let down. I'm sure I can find another gig if I need to, but I like it here; I like the people I've been working with for the past 6 months. It seems that every job I get in my life I like more than the last one I had, so maybe the next one I have will be better. Or maybe what gods or goddesses there may be will take pity on me and make the web sites I run on the side suddenly popular beyond reason. I doubt that too. Though it would be nice.

So this is the new economy, huh? Gee, getting made redundant in new enconomy feels just like getting sacked in the old one.

But I shouldn't loose hope. It's not like I'm being shot. It's the extinction of the 'dot.com's, and I guess I have to get used to it.

Maybe I'll get a little farm and keep some sheep. Maybe I'd like a glass of whiskey. Yes, that seems more likely.

I am in a good mood, everything (my everything, not this everything, this one will never be under control I hope) is more or less under control. They fixed my fancy glasses so I can stop wearing my non fancy glasses. I am truly sorry to the others here that are suffering. I am going to get my head shaved and read snow crash on my palm pilot on the subway. All things being equal that's cool.

Rock over london, Rock on Pougkeepsie
Hmmmm...spent nine hours playing Final Fantasy VII with some buddies, ending at 5 AM. Then I went to sleep.

Woke up at 2:30 PM, groggy. Vacuumed my room, went to my 4 PM class. Got back at 5 PM, am writing this daylog.

roubitch is coming over, we're gonna finish watching The Right Stuff.

Fencing practice is at 7 PM, and I think I'm gonna go even though it's Friday. I need practice.

Party back at the house at about 10 PM or so, gotta love rush events. Much drinking will be had, methinks.

Afterhours at the senior house at 1 PM, should be decent. Or not.
I've a 6 months old son, his name is Hugo. I like him very much, it's a very funny baby. He has got a wonderful sense of humor, although very simplistic for now. Hearing his little laughing noises makes my day, every day.

And it's so easy to make him laugh!, "I'm going to eat your tummy!!!", he stretches his arms forward to catch my head, but he's not fast enough yet, and I give him a ton of kisses in his abdomen which makes him laugh out loud. And I raise my head to see his face, but I'm not fast enough yet, and he takes a fistful of my hair with both his hands. At this age, it's so easy to them to grab your hair that I wonder if this is a human instinct. Also at this age, everything that falls in their grip immediately goes to their mouths. So there I'm helpless, while he pulls as hard as he can to get the hair into his mouth, "Ouch, that hurts, release, release, please!", some times he does, some times he doesn't, ether way I like him!.

Hugo insisted today to take his bottle without my help, it's fun and stimulating seeing how does him develops a personality. I hope this to be a sign of a future strong independent man.

Today is one of the happiest days in my life. Today is the day my boyfriend (SO) whispered into my ear in the most romantic way that he LOVES me. After a year of bad timing and misunderstandings, we finally wounded up together. And he has finally fallen in love with me. I cannot be more content at this moment with my life. I, in the past (especially in daylogs) have always expressed myself in the most angst and depressed way. But HE is what makes my life worth living. He is my Heaven. I cannot say whether he is THE ONE, my ]soulmate, but if after such a long time of running around in circles and finally ending up together, fate must have worked its magic somehow I would want to believe.

I for one, do not believe in heaven or hell. What I do believe in is that during our lifetime, we would have gone through what we know as heaven and/or hell. This is my time of Heaven. For the first time in 2 years, I feel happiness and contentness (not sure if that's a word). He has given me that, and no matter what happens or when the relationship will end, I know that both of us will cherish and remember our times together. When I am with him, I feel complete comfort, as if every moment is perfect. I don't think at this point in time that there could be a more heavenly feeling out there for me. When I am not with him, I would think about him constantly, and while thinking about him I would know for a fact that he is also thinking about me too. That thought/feeling already diminish all unhappiness I was feeling at the time. I find myself walking around UBC campus with a sudden grin on my face. I am thinking of him. People wonder why I giggle all of a sudden. I am thinking of him.
I think my Hell would be the day we must break up due to circumstances neither of us can control. I dread that day. But I know it will come, maybe not now, maybe not in the next few months, but I know. But I still care and cherish him to the depths of my soul. Some people think I am naive for thinking this way. To be sacrificing many little things that may lead up to bigger things for him. But I think it's worth it, after rationalizing with myself through logic, it's worth it. A lot of other people tell me he is not worthy of me. On my part, I feel I am not worthy for him. I feel already extremely lucky that he has chosen and have fallen in love with me instead of somebody else. There are many girls out there who are definitely better than me. But I cannot think of one guy who I would think of as better than him.

I'm happy, what more can I say? =)

Submitted for your approval (or not)

Thought of the moment

Why do I feel the need to justify myself to others? Why do I want their approval? It's an age old question. One I have tossed about for years.

On one level it seems silly to me. Not everyone is going to like what I like, what I say, what I do or who I am. I don't ask anyone to agree with me, only to see all sides of an idea. So why am I writing out on this plane justifying my existence to a bunch of strangers who will either upvote me or downvote me? Why open myself to this scrutiny of my ideas? Do I like being judged?

Because on another level, I want to be accepted. I want to belong. I want to be on the inside, instead of the outside looking in. I want the proverbial pat on the back. Curses! I thought I had left that need by the roadside!

Funny thing is... I was on the inside. While there, I learned that it isn't all it's cracked up to be. To be on the inside, is to wear a mask. It's to cover who you are in order to fit in with the majority. I was discontented with my mask, so I tossed it off. I needed to be true to myself.

Which is more important: the belonging to the group or the belonging to the self? Is there a way to merge the two?

a good day.

Well, getting up for a 9am maths tutorial wasn't fun, nor was the fact that I had done the wrong work for it and was having a little difficulty doing the stuff we should have been doing. But it was relatively painless. Then an hour's break (yummy, hot chocolate), and a maths lecture, in which I actually learnt something.

And so, at noon, I was done for the day.

I stopped by the SubCity Radio office for a wee bit, and got a couple of messages. One from Robert, asking if I was going to go along to the Art School to do some work on the project, another from Omar asking if I wanted to go to the cinema to see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I said yes to Robert before I got Omar's message, but I quickly reversed this decision.

I went for some lunch in the beer bar, and bumped into a pile of people from my course, so stuck with them, and invited them along to the cinema too. They went off to the Kelvin Hall to do some rock climbing, and I went back to the office to get some more stuff done on the web site, and we met up again at Shields Road subway. They also brought along a friend from halls, Jill. I took an immediate liking to her, and I think the feelings may be mutual.

At about 8pm, my plans for the evening hadn't been finalised, but I got in touch with the above bunch of friends, who were going to be heading down to the union with a couple other people. So, shortly after, I joined them back in the GUU. Which wasn't really all that good. But someone had the bright idea of going to Cheesy Pop at the QM. But the QM have a 2am curfew, and it was 1.50 or so. We ran :)

On the way, we bumped into Oriane, who I know from GUST, and some of her friends, who couldn't get in on their own because they're not QM members. So we signed them in. The doorman was very close to not letting me in, but decided to be kind since it's less than three weeks until my 18th birthday.

Shortly after getting home, I sent Kyle a message, saying

tonight's observations: £6.50 taxi fare = bad; cowboy hat = good way of getting the girls; Jill = v. nice
I'm hoping he passes the last of the three on to the appropriate party..
A Latin World

My breath comes faster and faster as the sky lowers itself down upon me. The mountains are so distant but I can still see them clearly. A dark cloud hovers above, blotting out the Orion constellation. My sword is drawn. I must fly.

The ground falls away; my bare white feet rise away from it. The mountains are closer and a forest is now below me as I fall towards it. I land near a broken redwood and rest against the cool moss for a bit. And then I hear the stones crackling against each other, and twigs breaking in the night. I am surrounded by giant hoofed beasts like black horses, though they’re heads are like dragons. I jump upwards and fly from their reach.

So light in this dream.

I hear the scream of a child and the loud thump of my heart. I am falling towards a gravel road. I can hear the clank, clank of tin metal soldiers marching along the road. Toy soldiers. And an old red pickup is driving towards them. I land to the side of the road and notice the familiar compounds of a school I once attended. The pickup shouts loudly with its horn and crashes through the tin soldiers.

I jump again and find myself on the roof, wrapping my cloak around me for warmth. The dark night sky is suddenly shot with spikes of blood that drip down in the form of rain. The cloud is larger now. A man gets out of the truck and walks to the chain link fence, glaring at a well dressed man on the other side. They argue long into the night and the ground is stained with red.

And now from the ground sprouts the head of a child and this head it is soon pushed upward by the trunk of a growing tree. Swords begin to sprout from the tree in the place of its branches.

Sirens: the Police for Hire are again looking for me. An angel drops down from the sky. She smiles such a beautiful smile and dresses me with her long black hair. We must sleep away this storm in a safe place. So we descend the mountain and find ourselves at the door of an old Thai restaurant. The owner, an old man, begins to speak to me in Thai, but I cannot understand him, and likewise he cannot understand my old forms of Hebraic. And there is something important I am forgetting. Why doesn’t this make any sense?

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