Tomorrow I start a new semester
. The last semester, and in May my undergraduate education
should be complete. *find some wood to knock on real fast* Feels like a beginning but it's really an end. Get all the loose ends tied up and get the fuck out. Something tells me that it's not going to be as neat and easy as all that, but the point is that I shouldn't be looking that far ahead, I need to concentrate
on the here and now and enjoy it. Enjoy every last second, because you're sure going to miss it when it's gone. And enjoy it because it's your life
and it's the only one you've got. I remember a conversation, during another beginning of a vastly different nature, a promise or a wish not to spend this last year here wallowing in depression/self-pity. So far, so good.
Another reason to enjoy every last second...is that there's nothing to worry about. Whatever choices I have to make in the upcoming months, it's all going to be okay, and I'm going to be happy with whatever comes up...eventually. Sure, I haven't made many serious choices in my lifetime, but nothing so far has led me to say, "If only I hadn't done this..." No regrets...well, only one. 21 years and one regret...not bad. One regret that in a few more years I won't even remember even...well, I should remember, if only to know not to behave that way in the future...never to look at myself in a mirror, knowing that I'm weak, so weak, and about to break in two, then leaving the mirror to go back to waiting arms/talons. I used to say no regrets, not ever, for everything I have experienced makes me into who I am, but for that...well, I would not have gained anything by missing out on this, and would have saved myself a whole lot a emotional pain. I would have kept a lot more dignity. But that is the past, and I digress.
This brings me back again to what I have always believed about the illusory nature of free will. Even looking back at one thing that I would LOVE to do over again, I can't see myself playing it out any other way. Whatever happens happens, and I'm a smart resourceful girl sez the people in my life who know and love me. Also, let us not forget that no decision is permanent, and you can always go back and pick up the pieces.
On a somewhat related tangent (though the relation is only visible in my own mind), I've managed to keep my one and only new year's resolution thus far. Which was, excuse my french, "To get my fucking head on straight about food." I figured it might be nice to try to live like a normal person for once. Still, I find myself wanting to lose weight. Why? Well, who doesn't want to? Cognitively, I'm happy with my body, I'm a babe, I know this logically. (She's modest too, isn't she?) Logic and emotions don't always coincide though, and one minute I'm thinking, "Yeah, I look pretty good," and a day later I'm standing in front of a mirror wanting to cry my eyes out about what I see. What changed in less than 24 hours? Not my actual physical body, that's for damn sure. And as I'm writing this, I see this as actually no justification for wanting to lose weight, it's clear that the problem is in my head and not related to my body at all. *sigh* So basically, I'm going to try to lose weight...like a normal person. Healthily, no starving, no binge/purge routines, no marathon treadmill sessions. I'm going to eat more of those fruits and veggies that keep a person healthy, and have *gasp* three meals a day, albiet small ones. I'm also going to take my own advice and throw away the scale, metaphorically. My goal won't be a number, but to fit into the smallest jeans I own currently that I now can barely zip into. I feel a little more hopeless as I write this, hopeless that I'll never feel good about my body. But at least I can look good feeling bad about it. C'est la vie.