I sit in my isolated room and work on a FAFSA and a earthquake just killed people in El Salvador. I don’t know how many people were just crushed. Or drown in the resulting mudslide. From far enough away, people can probably look like those little letters and numbers on my application. So if the FAFSA were El Salvador, section 6 questions 42-51 just died. And I don’t say this like a joke, these symbols twisted to people who didn’t deserve to die. I just wonder how it can be so important for me to bubble-in the federal school codes for my prospective universities when people are dying of earthquakes on the same planet. One man’s struggle (FAFSA) would be another man’s pleasure (El Salvadorian).

I was just interrupted by one of those telemarketer calls that greets you like an answering machine. The shitty recording asked me to call the telemarketing agency back. During their business hours. Shitty in quality and shitty in quantity. I wonder how the most important thing can be for that company to call American homes during the time when the most people eat dinner, when on the same planet people are dying of mudslides. The CEO is probably pissed because everybody hangs up, when people live in shantytowns without telephones, always under the threat of collapse or violent crime or AIDS or starvation or.. or... or...

Woe me, bleeding heart. Do I go to college or move to South America and work on soil preservation to prevent mudslides? More federal code bullshit or a shovel and my objective of life right there in front of me? Today I wonder.

I spent time with my cousin again today, he always calls me for the dumbest things.

Him: Come pick me up.
Me: Why?
Him: Because I wanna go get food.

I went to his house and we got some food at Whataburger. We took it home to his wife and his kid. He has a baby, he's so cute. I love kids. His baby tends to look at me and smile all the time, I played peek-a-boo with him, we changed his diaper, fed him, etc. I got online and talked to a couple of people. A friend of mine whom I hadn't spoken to in the whole duration of Christmas vacation came back online today and we started talking again.

And just recently, I punched myself, which really sucked!

I’m not as ready yet as I thought I was.

I still can’t do this shit.

I spent a month without people and my mind is racing with this wanting to feel and this need to connect to something, afraid I’ll forget what it’s like. Too much time to myself; it was good to introspect, but now I’m going mad. I’ve used up my resources at home so I’m going abroad.

I’ve planned a trip. This trip is going to be a disaster. I need to feel something. I’ve been thinking too much about the things that I’ve felt in the past. I need a now back. I thought I was ready. I think I’ll be wrong.

A best friend, a one night stand and an old lover. I’m dong this all in the wrong order I fear, and I’ll never make it out alive.

And now I don’t want to go. I just want to crawl up in hole and die and wait here in quiet for all my friends to get back from Xmas break.

I’m not ready. I still can’t do this shit.

You. You, it warms my soul, the idea of seeing you and feeling whole and light again. You were one of the best friends I’ve ever known. I only hope you can help me to settle my stomach for all the queasiness I’m nursing now for the next nights to come.

You. I haven’t seen you since we slept together, two days after we met. After we spent three nights talking like we’d been knowing each other forever. You tell me tonight you hope I don’t have any expectations. Funny, I think I used that line first, about a week ago when I was first hatching his plot to casually come see you between visiting people I have legitimate reasons for stopping to see.

So do I have expectations? I don’t. I didn’t. Until you mentioned it. No expectations for a relationship. You say you haven’t the time or energy for that. Long distance. No, not that kind of expectations anyway. But yeah, I had expectations. Expectations for the kind of conversation we had last time. Expectations of kisses and then the ability to walk away with no harm done, with everyone a little less lonely for the night.

I wonder what you meant now by expectations. I wonder how much I’ll be screaming in my car to bad Indigo Girls songs the next morning when everything everything everything all goes wrong.

You. I haven’t seen since you made it clear there was nothing left, and since I spent a month getting over your sorry ass and my pathetic lonely heart. But now what? Part of me can’t wait to see you and hopes we’re as thick of friends as we were. Part of me never wants to see you again because part of it, somehow, somewhere still hurts so hard.

It doesn’t hurt for you. It hurts for everything, but you’re the most recent thing that’s gone wrong. No matter how much I’ve gotten past that.

I feel like I’m writing an unrequited love letter to the world.


Not because it hasn’t been kind to me, or because I believe that no one loves me. Just because. Because I feel so fucking much and I can’t find a face. So it must be the world. But the world can’t hold you. And you can’t hold it. No matter how hard you try. And I need something. I need it right about now. And put way too much stock in this trip, and it is going to end in disaster. So I can go home and begin my work anew and try to find a way.

if i ever write this letter, oh the pages i could write. but i don’t know where to send it, you have vanished, heaven knows where you live. heaven only knows.” (Natalie Merchant, “The Letter”)
ugh

The problem with a great weekend is it makes the rest of the week feel long. But hey, enough, since I know you're thinking, "Quit your bitching!"

Its one of those glass half empty/half full things. On the bummer side, tonight was a late work night. However, the plus side to working late for me is that the ride home on the T is much less crowded. And this is a good thing. Because you get to sit down.

You see, if you ride the Boston subway during rush hour, you will probably stand. This is okay too, unless the train is too crowded for you to get a handle to hold onto. Because the ride ends up being a lot longer:

  • yeahhhahhha, we've started CLUNK (as the train jumps into gear)
  • ...a little still, quiet period...
  • scrreeeech wooooah! (as the train goes around a curve. you stick out your hand to keep from falling, and it lands right on some girl's backpack, she glares at you as you profusely apologize)
  • (okay, I'd better find a rail to hold onto, no matter what it takes...here one is) ahhh ahhh ahhh crap (you didn't know that if you grab a rail without having your feet balanced, you spin around during the next curve, looking like a total idiot.)

Not today!

Today has been interesting to say the least.

I got up early, walked the dogs, chatted online, and went to interview with CTO of company I really wanted to work for. The interview was excellent, all of the interviews there were. The company rocks. Afterwards the CTO said "I think we're good to go" and the Head Recruiter said she would try to get back to me this afternoon or at the latest tomorrow morning.

Excitement is not the word.

I rushed home and sat by the phone. I waited as if for my date to come pick me up, told everyone, watched movie, ordered pizza, watched another movie, waited....

*ring* *ring*

They offered me the job. With good money. :) I said yes. I had already decided by that point that as long as they made me a decent offer I would work for them.

I WAS SOOOO FUCKING HAPPY

I told everyone... celebrations are friday night at a local bar.

Then, after telling absolutely everyone I could think of I walked the beasts and had a thought. "Hey, it would be cool to fly wuukiee out here next weekend." I came home, asked her if she was free and if she wanted to come then headed off to a friends for cookies, muffins, and conversation. When I got back I accosted wuukiee online again and tried to figure out some exact time-tables. That settled I was about to buy her a ticket but as I was reserving it the price jumped $100. I'm not kidding... IN the time it took to reserve it jumped. So, push the deal back one week and low and behold we have our non-stop flight again at the old price. YAY. Ordering through Yahoo / Travelocity was a majoy pain in the ass so I just went to US AIR's site and ordered directly from them...This worked much better.

So, I purchased my first plane ticket, which will ship my friend to me in 3 weeks, got a job, and had a generally rocking day. Damn I love this life. Whoever is watching out for me... THANK YOU.

Ps. I am the official webmaster (or is that webmistress) for iphrase.com now. :)

[ Dream Log ]

13:33

WOW! Woke up and it turned out I have had two cooled writeups today! This is strange. Thanks, nine9 and Haystack =)

News server is sluggish today.

I'm supposed to be up and alert, but I'm nothing but. =(

Well, it's a great day to node.

Last night? Well, I played Metal Gear Solid until I got annoyed (The idea of the day? Run up the communications tower, shoot all guards with assault rifle, and Snake has a funny habit of pointing the gun at the roof at times... or wall... or anything but the nearest guard), MechWarrior 3, and (surprise!) MechWarrior 2! It was as good as I still remembered.

19:15

Phew.

The day has been rather... boring. My chair broke. I think I use it too much. Mozilla crashes. Read through the legendary phone conversation with LinuxOne (Displeasing - I hate to learn about incompetence where there bloody well should be competence... =)


Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: Hal Emmerich software entropy Dream Log: January 16, 2001

9:25am

I'm considering not going to the pool hall tonight. I don't know. I'd like to talk to TC about this to find out her perspective on the matter. Yesterday was a really bad day for me and I've pretty much accepted that if it's over, then that's that. At this point, I just want to know where I went wrong, so I don't repeat the mistake again in the future.

Oh well, time for work.


5:43pm

I talked to TC after work and got some information about what went wrong with me and Sara. Apparently, Sara isn't really interested in dating. I guess she must have considered our "date" as more of a friendly get-together, so I was wrong in assuming that.

I'm not going to the tuesday night pool hall gathering tonight just to have some time to let the information settle. TC is going to talk with CR tomorrow and make sure that's exactly the situation, but apparently it's at least something like that.

In a way, this makes me feel a little better. I'm not sure why I feel better, since I guess it's the nail in the coffin for the relationship, but at least it's some solid information instead of constant speculation. I guess it could have been for a worse reason, or perhaps maybe it is, and the reason I'm being given is to let me down easy. I don't know.

At least this excuse means that she didn't skip out on me to go out with this other guy, and if she is, then it should be fairly obvious soon.


11:33pm

Some things still leave me wondering though. Why was she excited that I asked her out? Why was she being so close to me the night I asked her out (all but sitting on my lap)? It seems to me like everything hit a brick wall all at once.

*sigh* I don't know. I may never know. It's time to do some emotional backstepping and move on.

On other issues, at work today I had a job that required a whole 15 minutes of my time, which I put off until the end of the day. I realized afterwards the additional benefit of procrastination in this case. If I had finished the task early in the day, the powers-that-be would have been interested in making further customizations. However, by putting it off until the deadline, it removed any possibility of further requests beyond the original specification. I will have to make note of this in the future.

Today I bought a parking sticker for parking on campus. The only problem with buying the parking sticker is that there wasn't anywhere to park without violating the rule that you needed a sticker to park somewhere. There were a few places where visitors could park (like 4 spaces in a 400-space parking lot), but those were all taken. I figured the odds were against me getting a ticket in the 10 minutes I was inside getting a sticker. However, the people there could be sadistic bastards and are looking out for people like me to make a few bucks.

Well, I have Japanese class tomorrow, and the first quiz. I'm going to go study a little, chat on #everything, and then go to sleep.

2:00 AM.

We are awakened by a loud noise from downstairs. (Yes, it is a two-story apartment, manor home style) It sounds like a flapping, along with the sounds of running kitty feet.

Not having the slightest clue as to what's going on, I jump out of bed, and head toward the stairs. The noise suddenly gets louder, and then two cats come speeding past me, surely breaking some sort of speed limit.

The second one has a plastic grocery bag in tow somehow. I'm not sure how, because it comes off as they enter the second bedroom and hide under the futon. I'm not even sure which cats were causing all this trouble. I just want to go back to bed, after throwing away the bag to make sure they don't do it again.

8:00 AM.

I head downstairs after my shower to feed them their wet food. You see, once you've started giving cats wet food, they really get unhappy when you stop feeding it to them. They quickly adjust to what time you feed them, and make it known that they demand the stuff until those bowls hit the floor.

I realize there's only one of the four standing around for the food. Very unusual. So I start calling for the kitties. Nothing. This is making me nervous. I call a bit more, and finally Persephone looking down the stairs. So I put the bowls down in hope they'll all come out. Nope. Just one big orange male cat eating, the rest in hiding. I finally find the oldest, Aphrodite, hiding under the kitchen table. She won't come out, either. Which is odd, because she's one of the biggest whiners when it comes to getting her food.

Unsure of what's going on, I sit down to eat breakfast. Soon, my SO comes down with the last of the four, Calliope, curled up like a ball. She's always a little high strung, but now she seems over the edge. Aphrodite jumps on the back of the couch, and the hissing and growling stars between the two. This is very odd, they've never, ever done this before. Those two get along great.

We watch, and see plenty of hissing, growling, tails flipping, and other general unhappiness. No clue as to what happened. Perhaps The Bag Incident from last night scared them so badly that they're still recovering. Or maybe there's something more to it. We'll wait and see, and hope it gets better.

Well, last weekend I was down to New Orleans, Louisiana, to meet up with Templeton and Byzantine. My very first meeting with other noders, and my very first meeting with people that I had met online. Despite the oddly coincidental appearance immediately after my arrival of enough plastic sheeting to "wrap a body in" (to paraphrase Templeton), I was not reduced to easily fondueable cubes in the manner that one of my friends expected.

Muegge:
"I'm going down to New Orleans to meet up with some of the people from that Everything2 website I'm on all the time."
Gord:
"You mean the cult."
Muegge:
"No, no, website."
Gord:
"No. You mean the cult. You'll be dead by Sunday."

Some notes on the trip:


By the way Templeton, in thinking about it, in terms of structural building analysis, an open condition is an exterior or interior portal blocked by a door, skylight, air conditioner or any other post-installation obstruction that may, under unusual seismic or wind conditions may be torn out and thus must be treated as an opening or portal. Whether or not the precepts of metal building analysis can be made to jive with Sri Lanki mysticism is uncertain - given that you seem to lack the natural defenses to devils Byzantine discussed on the way to the Mississippi, you may want to check any Virginia prospects against the first rule of sinhalese architecture.
Missed the first day of class yesterday, for what I think was a good reason. I had the day off, and I saw no point in driving all the way to Lufkin just so we could do the first day syllabus bullshit, and then drive back home.
Oh well...

>
Also, I may be out of place in saying this, but the people that downvote JeffMagnus's stuff, I can see that, it's autonoded, it has no soul. However, the people that downvote Kenata's daily poems however, are just assholes. If anything, Kenata has chosen the perfect place to node the Daily Poem. Yet it gets downvoted to -6 or lower almost everyday, while someone talking about smoking weed gets a C! and and high reps. This disturbs me, this site is going downhill rapidly when people who put a part of their lives into a node get downvoted, while chemically dependant morons get C!'s for mentioning the illegal activities they have taken part in lately.
>

I just hope you who actually read this will take it to heart.

Lord deliver me from the noise of the construction across the hall from my office.

i am tired, i haven't been sleeping too well. but today i am in higher spirits than i've been lately. Stock is up 31% today, huzzah!

my skin is awful dry, it gets this way in winter but it's more severe than usual, particularly on my hands.

the man finally comes home saturday, can't wait.

i finally went through two months worth of piled up mail. i got current on all my bills. now i just have to straighten out last years taxes... i will go to a tax preparation guy for this years taxes and talk about how to fix my return from last year. oi. oi oi oi.

more later...
ahhhh, home. i am still in good spirits. work was work was work. now at home i am chilling, relaxing, and making plans. my biggest concern (now that i've come current on my bills) is figuring out why i sweat so much at night. lately it has been every night and i am feeling quite dehydrated. i am quite cold intolerant, but my first step will be to lower the temperature in my house. i prefer to keep it at around 72 degrees, but i will lower it to around 68. i will stop sleeping with my electric blanket (though i sweat with or without it). i will call the doctor tomorrow and make an appointment.
well, i think i really need to stop taking some of my medications, i think they may contribute to my night sweats. i can't stop taking the anti-convulsant, but i think it's time to cut the others out.

It's one of those days, isn't it. I'm so slow today.

My lunch was ruined again (spent the whole hour with scott looking for our newly developed yearbook photos).

My brain seems to be steeped in some sort of haze... not enough caffeine in the system, methinks. I sit here in my MSIP, noding away with reckless abandon or some cliche like that.

Perhaps I should follow the tips for life I set down for myself.I need to start getting more sleep.

I can sleep when I'm dead? I'm already dead, but I ain't sleepin'.

Queequeg and Bob the Cow just received a present from Jet-Poop!

Queequeg and Bob the Cow received a large package in the mail today from Jet-Poop. How did they know that today was actually our birthday? Our theory is that Oscar is psychic. We also suspect that the team has been spying on us. Either way, we were nonetheless grateful at this birthday present and rushed to open the package.
Inside we first found the note, which read as follows:

Buenos Dias, Roberto El Vaca y Queequeg!

Boy, did we ever have to look around to find these wondrous gifts! We went to bookstores! We went to grocery stores! We went to Dairy Queen! We went to The Gap! We went to the State Pen! We went to France! We went to Dens of Iniquity! Finally, we went back to the bookstore and found this staring at us, screaming our names, demanding to be purchased and sent in the mail! L. Ron sez It must be so!!!

Then we went back to the Dens of Iniquity. So much nicer here than in Diary Queen…

Meanwhile, stickers were (A) Some we dug of an old "Better Homes and Gardens" and (B) some were dug out of our childhood junk drawers. Put them on your bike! You’ll be so cool!

There are, however, no cartoons. Sorry. None of us feel particularly artistic today…

Hasta La Bye-Bye!

Jet-poop!


We did, indeed find many stickers. Some were of very pretty flowers that Bob the Cow immediately used to decorate his binder with. Others included such slogans as "This Bicycle is Ticklish!" "Rejected by Good Horsekeeping" – circled around a picture of a funny horse, "Trained Flea Wanted: Inquire Within" – a sign pointing to a very small door in a supposed wooden fence, a sign that says "No Spanking Zone", a "Keep Ouch!" sticker, "Mosquito Crossing" – with cute little prints on a road, "Help Wanted" – with a weird guy hanging off the sign, and "Instant Monster: do not add water!" – with a green pile of something. These stickers will be added to Queequeg’s private collection and will be soon on display in her studio in Bethesda, Maryland.

There was also a book enclosed: "Dianética" by L. Ronald Hubbard. According to the cover, this book is as follows: "Dianética revela la fuente principal del dolor, la infelicidad y de las duadas en usted mismo: la mente reactiva. Y le muestra cómo deshacerse de ella."
Bob the Cow, unfortunately does not speak Spanish and Queequeg’s Spanish is sub-par.

We thank Jet-poop for their present. It made our birthday much more special.

January 16, 2001 --

Birthday of Queequeg and Bob the Cow!

Amoung things given to us:

I started today in orchestra. Nothing amazing. Just sat around playing bass drum.

I also had my first day of mid-terms for AP Statistics and Spanish. The spanish went no better or worse than I expected it to. The stat also went well but I feel like I got screwed. I left some z-score tables at home that I didn't think I would need for the exam. When I got to class I found out I actually needed them but didn't worry too much because I knew my teacher had extra books with the tables in them. Unfortunately some kid took the last book. I told the teacher this and she said that I probably wouldn't even need the tables anyway. She was wrong. Three problems that I could have easily done used the tables. I knew how to do them but not without the chart in the time we had. The worst part was that the kid who took the last book didn't even use it the entire exam. I also didn't simplify my last answer because I thought it was wrong and I wanted to check it but I ran out of time. OH well. I always have tomorrow to redeem myself.

I did realize that grades are a real joke. The only true test of ability is actually putting someone into the environment. My example is a good one. I knew how to do the problems but because I didn't have the charts I got screwed. In real life I would have had the charts close by in a book or online. I don't think grades are a total waste of time since they provide some order to school. My problem is that they are depended upon entirely too much. I guess until we can brain probe someone they're the best choice.

The rest of the day was stupid. Spent most of the time reviewing for more mid-terms next week. I did go and see the the Ashman. Didn't get anything accomplished but found out that it is hard to find telnet online, at least for me.

Also got back this essay in AP US History that the teacher seemed to love. She took off some points since it a little late(2 months) but she still seemed to really like it. For some reason I like writing essays in history because I always seem to do well on them.

Much forgetfulness.
  • Underground ticket - couldn't find in wallet, had to buy a new one.
  • 1pm lecture - was in the union till 12.55 before I remembered I needed to be on the other side of campus.
  • bus ticket - somewhere between getting my ticket from the driver and sitting down, I misplaced my ticket (a return), wasting myself even more money.
  • appointment card - when it came to making a new appointment at the orthodontist, I couldn't find the old one to reuse.
  • diary - me wee organiser thingie has gone missing, I think it's in the student radio station's office.
  • key lock - as a result of me not putting this on, my pocket hit enough keys on my phone to erase all my messages and dial a few random numbers.
What is wrong with me today?

Other than that, mechanics exam results back, favorable. Been doing more work on the SubCity Radio site, it's coming together very nicely and will hopefully be online by the end of the week. I've also got a job as a duty editor (ie making sure the presenters don't set the studio on fire), and recieved an email addressed to the "core subcity team" (due to my snazzification of the website) which made me feel terribly important.. :)

And I'm generally happy, too. Life is good.

Heinous in Germany - 16 Jan 2001

Once again, I woke up and made an interesting breakfast of peanut butter and apples, cheese, salz sticks, and coffee. Marc stopped by, to walk me over to the U-Bahn, so I imposed my strange ideas of fruhstuck upon him. He was a bit taken aback by my strange ideas involving peanut butter and apples. Apparently this is really strange to German people. I made him eat it, and it seemed he liked it okay, after all.

We stopped by the train station, so that I could purchase my tickets for Zürich (Switzerland). They were a little more expensive than I had imagined, but not too bad. They were about 211DM, which is roughly 104USD. Cheaper than a flight, but not by a heck of a lot.

We went for lunch, once again, in the "porno cafe" (see January 9, 2001). I had some nice chile con carne, which seems to be quite good there. Marc and Randall were with me for lunch, and once again, the inevidable topic of discussion turned to the Oakland office, and would it survive? Personally, I am getting tired of all of this talk of what we are doing wrong, and what needs to change, because talk will not get anyone anywhere, without action. Although, for the most part, I must say that I agree with Randall. The situation is rather depressing in the Office, at the moment, in Oakland. I personally, am wondering what I should do. I enjoy helping out with the PPC distribution. I do not really want to be in Business support, and I have discussed this to a degree with management in Oakland, probably not as much as I should. I would even be willing to work in documentation, or something like that, but do not want to do business support. Ah well. I will have to talk to Marcus or Chris (managerial types) about the situation, and see if there is any possibility that Germany can support me to continue with what I want to do in the company. Perhaps I will work from the German office, in the near future. Then again, I could just be let the smoke out}blowing smoke out of my ass (pardon the French). I suppose I have the next week to think about if I should talk to someone or not. Marcus is sick at the moment, so I have to wait until next week anyway, if I want to talk to him.

After lunch, I went down to work on the partitioning section of the PPC manual with Marc. That was fun. During this time, Olaf finally made his debut! He got a haircut. We battled with this thing, and some other issues that nearly threatoned my trip to Switzerland, in the form of an email I discovered. I'll not go into the details on that, however, there was just a missunderstanding about what I would be doing this next Sunday night and Monday.

After work, we went to eat in the dungeon! There was a Frankonian restaurant called something that translated to "The Barefooter" in English. The food was really quite good. I had a big, huge, cabbage roll and some mashed potatos. Olaf, Marc, Randall, and I went. Randall seems to like eating anything with Kartoffeln in it. Marc explained, at the "porno cafe" earlier that a Kartoffel was a potato. Ever since, Randall has been prone to order food with Kartoffeln in it. I do the same, because I like saying the word, "Kartoffel".

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