Addendum to Bad Wedding Ideas:
Double especially bad idea:
Consider this 5a, only noteworthy because I see this as a trend: "Goth"
weddings, Zombie weddings, Vampire weddings, memorial candles, the bride
dressed in widow's weeds, mourning jewelry, black and white as a motif, Heavy Metal, Goth, and Industrial music at the reception
anything at all that might be considered funereal to anyone in either family.(Yes, I know about Buddhists and white. However, most modern Buddhists are hip to Western usages.)
Sigh. I know. You absolutely thought that the Twilight series was the
most romantic story ever, and you were Team Edward until you fell in
love with your current spouse to be, and then, for the rehearsal dinner, you gave all your friends Team
Bride and Team Groom T-shirts. Or you and your spouse-to-be are huge Tim Burton fans, and what's so wrong in having a celebration
in your own deeply held and personal style? These days we have gay
weddings, for heaven's sake! Why can't we show our everlasting love, by
invoking what is truly eternal? And, I think it's touching to point out
that there are people who might have liked to be here who have passed
away! We held the celebrations for their lives in this very church!
Dear hearts: You are getting confused as to which rite of passage you
are celebrating. Just because we love to point out that 'death is not
an end, but a passage', we've forgotten that a wedding is a passage, and
not an end in itself. Think of the symbolism: a funeral is a kind of
divorce. Alluding, even in a wholly respectful and loving way, to a
relationship that has ceased to be, bodes ill for what you hope to be a
lasting one. You might not be wishing each other dead, but it certainly
shows a certain lack of respect for each other that the first thing that
comes to mind when talking about your love is a corpse or a series of sick, juvenile jokes.
If you really want irony, why not ditch the dress entirely, and come in in dirty pyjamas, a bathrobe
and slippers? He can sleep in a suit and not shave or shower, or wear a T-shirt and shorts and be a bit hungover. Complain bitterly about each other for about half an hour, beginning with the toilet seat
, and ending with the fact that your sex life is shot. Emphasize that you've been living with each other, not once but several times, and talk openly about your finances, how they're going to be shot with this wedding after having to dish out for a bunch of jewelry
. After this, the officiant can point out that these people should be married, since they're already acting like it. As a 'unity' gesture, sloppily attempt coupling.
The reception can then commence, as if nothing had happened, with both of you dressed in club clothes. Stay all night, drink like sponges (after all, you've barred children, old people and anyone not hip enough to "get" your little joke), and go back to work within three days.
So hip and witty! They'll be talking about this for weeks! And the photographs! Yes, you'll be the envy of all your friends that you opted for a nice "green", "irreverent" wedding, instead of some fusty old ceremony that has nothing to do with your particular story! After all, isn't that what matters?
This WU was occasioned by a particularly bletcherous wedding, in which the bride decided that a "hip, irreverent, but elegant wedding" was her due.
First, in her video invitation, she barred children from both the ceremony and the reception, on grounds that she wanted "an adult party, where the grown-ups could let their hair down". Erm, you've already had a bachelor party/batchelorette shower and a rehearsal dinner, or could have had one, if what you want is to have an evening of party 'till you puke with your closest friends. Showing that you can deal with several generations in one place at one time, drinking in a festive, but controlled manner is, perhaps, the epitome of "adult". After all, you are displaying your best manners to a new family, who might be curious on how you handle children, among other things.
Then, she made sure to point out how "eco-friendly" her wedding dress was, made with hemp and lots of black lace. No bridesmaids or groomsmen (how tacky! she probably thought...) and her bouquet was made of kale. Bats were used as an overall motif, as festoons and in the bride's necklace. The entire buffet was both gluten-free and vegan, with vegan wine (I suppose it means that eggs weren't used in the fining process), with two kinds of cupcakes available. Hum. Yes, I know you probably believe you're doing good by not only the environment, but the health of your guests by riding on a fashionable nutritional hobbyhorse. However, this is a feast, not a soapbox. If you have health issues, or preferences in fibre, keep them to yourself.
The ceremony was written from scratch quoting the romantic likes of Ayn Rand, Vladimir Nabokov (I can think of only one romance by him and it is not appropriate), Stephan Pinker, two entire poems by Pablo Neruda (Sonnet XVII) and e.e.cummings respectively, and lots of Trent Reznor. (Rings were exchanged with lyrics from "We're in this together".) As a Unity gesture (something that I'm wondering how generations of marriages have succeeded without) they made and ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, thereby breaking the laws of hospitality by eating before the guests, who were probably wondering when this weird bit of drama would be over.
"We hand-picked every single song played that night, and we didn't hold back from playing exactly what we wanted (a mix of rock, metal, goth, industrial, electronic, '80s, and more). For instance, we played Nine Inch Nails, Type O Negative, and H.I.M. songs." Charming. Now, they're both hungry and are nursing headaches.
All this would have made some sense, if done with some panache: I saw in my mind's eye Helena Bonham Carter in widow's weeds and a groom like a contemporary H.P. Lovecraft, sweeping up a lovely Gothic chapel to lugubrious organ music. Indeed, you don't need much to make any church of a certain era completely in touch with a deliciously Gothy sensibility, making fun with, not at religion. (I suggest the 1928 Book of Common Prayer...)
Instead, they looked -- so completely uptight, Park Slope, Bobo ordinary I wondered why they even bothered. The dress was understated enough to look day-into-evening, the groom was wearing a business suit, the surrounds an open, airy penthouse in Chicago. The whole thing looked and sounded like a mess -- if she'd played it straight, wordlessly slipping into his arms as the band played a spectral waltz...if she'd prepared a whole banquet for everyone else, abstemiously eating a bowl of gruel while acting fragile and weak...if she'd delicately scented the hall with embalming fluid and raw pork...Instead, she apparently managed to make both families feel uneasy while being penned up with free weak liquor. Double bad idea, indeed!