When I was a little girl I knew I wanted to be a movie star. I spent most of my time around the tv. Watching. Listening. Emulating. I would doll myself up in the bathroom and talk to my reflection. Pretend to be a dramatic diva, or an irritable queen. I would cry when the sad music would come on. "It's your baby." "I can't go on like this." "Go, squire, and fetch me my sword."

I spent most of my time alone, and yet not alone. There was always the tv. There was always something.

I remember the old VCR. It had a repeat setting, for the lazy, so you'd never have to get up and push a button to watch the same movies over and over. Because of this, I can remember seeing the Matrix about a million times. The green, sci-fy atmosphere. Buildings everywhere. Chase scenes. So many movies that built up my childhood. There were more. It's funny, having seen them over and over again, I can't recall what they were.

It seems like I was always by myself. The tv never seemed to be off. There was always an action movie on, so I could climb the back of the couch and jump off, pretending to be a spy or a secret agent. Or there was a drama, so I could muster up tears and be the damsel in distress. There was always something there. Something to keep me busy, my little body running around. Always something to keep me going.

When I got yelled at, there was tv. Characters with their own problems. It wasn't so bad, I thought, because the people in movies always got by. They were always just one monologue away from epiphany, one montage away from happiness. If they could have it, then why not me?

I suppose I'm older now. A lot of time has gone by. I'm too big to climb the counters anymore, and exploring the top of the refrigerator is no longer an adventure, but have I really grown up? Am I really so different from that little kid I used to be?

I used to be so strong. What happened?

I guess I grew up. I used to think that one day I would be rescued. Someone would come and take me away, to a better place. I could be happy there, and fulfill my destiny. I don't know why it never happened.

I guess wanting something doesn't make it real.