Let's face it, you can usally tell which of a group of teenaged boys is a flop with the ladies. They're the ones who write "I AM THE GOD OF FUCK!" in chat, pump their hands in the air when they see cute girls doing something especially sexy, and love hinting about how they've had all kinds of women, and how they all were left moaning for more, but he figured he wouldn't tire them out. He's usually the one with the biggest pr0n collection, who eternally drools and slavers after the latest in sex toys, and hints that he's into S&M...


The same is true of middle-aged men.

Here are some ways that you can tell that they need Viagra, or are doing the sexual equivalent of a comb-over.

  • Bragging is the first, and often the most dangerous sign of a guy who's not all he should be in bed. One of the most common stories is what I call, pace Pinocchio, Jackass Fever. This manifests itself in the above-35 crowd as a mysterious ailment that compels its victims to ejaculate 3-5 times a day, often by autostimulation. According to its victims, its progressive and incurable: "It just keeps on getting worse, I don't know. The doctor says I'm some kind of freak, a freaky thing that just happens to some guys as they get older..." What they really mean is "I've been having problems lately that I only used to have when I'd already done it that night." Unfortunately, if they did have such a problem, it probably wouldn't be so benign, but a drastic endocrine disorder. Or if it really did happen that the number of guys who claim to have this really did, the floors of most retirement villages would be slick with spunk. However, it allows the man to get off without getting off, so to speak. After all, one of his spells hit him in the men's room of the restaurant, and gee, I'm sorry honey...
  • Then there is the Drug Gambit. Many men who'd never, ever think to ask for the regular drugs, love the idea of using various recreational pharmaceuticals for the same purpose. It gives them the idea that they don't really need it, and anyway, the pusher won't ask embarrassing questions about his smoking, drinking, and cholesterol. Having wild fantasies of sexual delights while regarding some white lines on a mirror, they figure that they're a big wild man with cocaine in his body, and well... Unfortunately, while it provokes desire, it doth take away the performance therof, which leaves them at square one, with a girlfriend who's more interested in chitchatting about her early childhood, playing video games, or bouncing off the ceiling than having sex. This leads to all kinds of scenes, during which the fact that the member itself isn't working is conveniently forgotten.
  • Another is to claim to have problems with condoms. This does double and triple duty as far as a masking gambit goes. If he can get her to submit without one, he'll have (he thinks) the extra stimulation of going bare. If he doesn't, they can have a jolly time trying to wrestle it on, arguing over such things as who got checked last, whether he really can pull out in time, and whether her refusal to submit is or is not justified. If she stomps off in high dudgeon, it's at least her fault, and he can relax...who'd want to screw such a bitchy broad anyway? Gee, women really get pushy when they're older...especially when they're fat! A nice young girl would never act like this....right?
  • Which leads to an obsession with fellatio. If he is older, oral sex still has the lure (I'm talking men in their 40's and older) of a slightly exotic activity, something that, when they were teens, they'd only heard about from reading Playboy. Being party to that, instead of regular intercourse, they figure is very sexy. It's not as tiring as having to dance the buttock jig, and not as rough on the back, and they don't have to face you, and so can pretend you're Raquel Welch or something. What this generally means, however, is that suddenly, the burden of results suddenly is placed on her shoulders, and it's not his fault that he's limp all of a sudden...or that she's been licking away steadily for the last half hour, with no response other than a vague moaning sound from him. I mean, a girl who was really turned on would have no trouble with this, right? And what kind of girl knows exactly how long it's been?
  • While the above would seem to be the height of insensitivity, the most subtle technique, which can be used with any of the above is to claim that he only wants to see her happy. This seems to be a gentle, sensitive solution...until it develops that "being happy" doesn't include intercourse. What it does include is an almost tyrannical insistence on the woman having an orgasm. Not, as you might think, a real orgasm, but a screaming, moaning, flushed orgasm. Simply blushing, smiling sweetly and saying "That's all right, dear, I've come." simply will not do for these fellows. No, what they want is to reenact the over-the-top orgasms of 70's X-rated movies, and then do it again. And again. And sometimes even...again. And he's not going to stop sucking, licking, prodding, and rubbing your genitals until you do. And then? Well, he may not have thought out that far, but it will almost certainly involve one of the above. After all, it's his turn.
So what is there to do? Well, it's not likely that he'll want to simply stop and play Parcheesi. Like a badly trained matador, he's only interested in the "moment of truth" and the plaudits, not the notion that the bull might be more than expected. Unfortunately, in the post-sexual revolution, youthful sexual stamina is taken as a baseline, and failure is not an option. May I suggest the equivalent of the rosette, which, hung between a bull's horns, is also taken as the measure of success? Or perhaps, just perhaps, some notion of a sexual truce....

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