Cain: Do you think that if I could remember being human, or even more of my recent past, it might be easier to hold onto stuff? > I am not entirely sure. I _do_ remember being human, yet my emotions are nothing like they were at that time. I remember matters that meant very much to me then, but I can no longer understand why they mattered. Cain: Do you still feel the emotion at all? Let us say... jealousy as an example. Such as my brother. When I lived, my entire existence revolved around him, if largely in a reactive fashion. But when I later killed him, I felt nothing at all but mild disgust at doing it. I am curious as to why it is a mild disgust. > (snip) It is all those things. You articulate it better than I can. But like a sound source this can get turned on and off. I don't necessarily want the switch to be flicked but the power disappears and (boof) I can't feel it. Cain: I fear that I cannot promise that it will not, Cain. This is the essence of such transformations: one steps off a step into the darkness, and one knows not whether one's foot will encounter another step or an endless drop (sigh). I just want the feeling to last a bit longer than it does. > (sigh) Cain, this may be for a number of reasons. You may indeed be a 'cracked cup' as you put it, but it may equally well be because you are "not" giving your all to it. Cain: Because I don't know how to. Emotions are alien to me. I can cause pain. I am learning fear. But it's in a disconnected way. I can observe it in me but not connect it rationally to anything. > Ah. It is different with me; I do feel emotions, they are merely not what they were when I was a mortal. Cain: In what way? > (softly) You do well to be frightened, Cain. You may have found a power that might transform your entire existence to something you would never have dreamt it could become. That you presently cannot even _imagine_ what is like. Cain: I can't. I don't do human. > Please forgive me, Cain, but I am not certain I understand what you mean. Cain: These people I am with, they are very much human, emoting human beings. I can operate within them and among them. But I am completely cold as far as their feelings are concerned. For example Abel got shot. I knew he was feeling pain, I suspect he was afraid but I couldn't... empathise, is that the right word. I could only observe. My reaction was to put him out of his pain. But that isn't acceptable. I don't understand human feelings. > If fear alone is what bars you, attempt to conquer that fear. But if other, unknown emotions and reasons block you as well... you would do well to discover what they are before you act. Cain: I suspect that it might entail a surrendering of will that I am not prepared for and/or a forensic examination of whatever "surgery" happened to my memory. Not for heart or now. Too dangerous. >Then plan for doing it later, Cain. _Failing_ to plan for it will risk you deciding to continue putting it off and in the end never get it done at all. Ideally, you should set a target date now. Cain: Perhaps. I have survived without knowing it all. > All good fortune to you, Cain. And face your fears. Listen to them, and attempt to understand them. But never let them rule you. Cain: Thank you.