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Here's the stuff we found when you searched for "I would have thought it was damn funny, had I not been bleeding from the ass"

• It would have been an excellent story but I had to get off the train
• What if I had never met you? How much the poorer would my life have been.
• If it had been able to, the light would have smiled
• For one thing, he was sure his granny would never have used smack.
• Is this what I have been seeking? Or is it an echo, a remnant, a sign that I was wrong?
• When I woke up this morning, I thought I was a parallelogram. I still have a sneaking suspicion.
• How many lives could have been saved had we just said "Please" more often?
• I always knew I would have a 21st birthday but I never thought I'd be 21
• The real horror was not what had been redacted, but the reasons why.
• Was I nearly as anti-consumerism as I had initially thought?
• if music was a woman you would have a mistress
• I would have leapt at the innuendo you had strewn at my feet.
• I would a thousand times rather have had a simple cheap sandwich with a friend
• I would have cooled this if you had written it
• And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids!
• I have been alone while I was with many girls
• I would have killed for a sexual thought
• I would have attempted to draw her if she had stayed that way.
• It is never too late to be what you would have been
• you would have been
• What would aliens think of us if Everything was all they had?
• So I was balls deep in the guy's ass that night when he turns to me and asks for a kiss. Damn. What a fag.
• And then wings sprouted from the space between my shoulders where my wings had once been
• You have been paroled from participation in the Capitalist Project
• A thousand years from now, we should have coffee and tell stories while the world disintegrates
• Having gotten myself into a position where I can have my cake and eat it too, I feel a strong compulsion to get up from the table
• Amakuni once drew an old sword of his from a box, suddenly overjoyed by something he had cast aside.
• Questions I have had today
• I had no idea what he thought about me.
• Front porch, what should have been said
• If this were in person, I would have kissed her now
• I have been enslaved to imaginary Berlins my whole life.
• Advantages an invisible man would have in the world
• For all sad words on tongue or pen, the saddest are these: "It might have been."
• Why would he want a writer when he could have a dancer?
• What if Heraclides had never been born?
• Damn, damn, damn: what did you have to go and do that for
• To a girl who thought she was moving away
• Jessica, too tall but still lovely, was not sure she would or should drop the whale
• from where I stand I can see they have already won
• I had not thought death had undone so many
• Conrad wants to know what I have been dreaming. This might get complicated.
• The eyes of the dead may not blink, but they have been known to wander
• Strangers have been, and continue to be, very kind to me. Thank you.
• Have you been a dad today?
• What if Everything You Thought You Knew About AIDS Was Wrong?
• I was a bitter, purple-haired fat girl, and I had plenty of male friends
• When I was young Time had no wings
• Grief, killing grief, have not my torments been
• Gap analysis of a telephone call
• had Orpheus been a gentleman
• I was burned and bleeding, but the galaxy still spun on
• I never thought I would node this
• the slightest movements which I make have begun to squeeze pure blood from my kidneys again
• If we had a more developed tailbone, would we wag our tail?
• He had a prison of brass built in the hole, and then, when it was finished, he locked up his daughter
• She was the prettiest, loveliest cat at the ball and she had upon her fine gilded whiskers.
• if you have had your midnights
• New zombies have been animated to replace the old
• I have always been burning
• Hello lovely fool where have you been all this time.
• All the terrible disadvantages an invisible man would have in the world
• How my Father was excommunicated from the LDS Church
• By morning I will have erased all traces that I was ever a bear
• Fruit cut from the vine, forgot and left to rot, long before it was time
• The way things have always been done
• If you didn't have free will, would you know it?
• I have been thinking about kissing. A lot.
• I cannot produce a definitive list of everywhere I have been, but I can say that I have seen a whole lot of nowhere
• I might have expected that the mushrooms would worship you
• I never thought it would be like this
• If the Windows source code was leaked, what do you think would happen?
• The things we always thought, yet never had the courage to speak
• If they put you in a copy machine, an ass would come out
• Have you ever been so excited about your life that it makes you almost want to cry?
• All Girls Should Have Been Born Blonde
• You have been in every line I have ever read
• A list of things kids should and should not have from a woman who has no kids
• I just had this thought of summer past
• Last time I was in Chicago I broke my ass
• I have never been sure that you knew quite how much I loved you
• They are angry and they have been lied to
• For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright, who art as black as hell, as dark as night.
• Your radical ideas about taking candy from thefez have already occurred to others
• a grief so strong I thought it would crush me there
• what I thought was going to be a turtleneck turned out to be a dickey
• We have had enough of your beige
• I was the worst lay you ever had
• people who were not to be trifled with; people who would dance, and had no notion of walking
• I would have liked thunder when she left
• I've had better hugs from wind gusts and dead people
• I would've taken an axe to it, but I'm pretty sure the dryad would have pulverized me
• I Thought I Was A Child
• I learned never to empty the well of my writing, but always to stop when there was still something there in the deep part of the well, and let it refill at night from the springs that fed it.
• If I was the ocean, what would you be to me?
• You have had sex with all the people your partner has had sex with
• I have gone too far. I have been thinking, this is my life. Well, not yet.
• I have been enslaved to imaginary Berlins my whole life. (dream) mp3 (recording)
• Will the distant future see a removal from linear thought?
• when I am King, we will have no such things, but, my lads, if the old king my father were dead, we would be all kings.
• Yesterday, I believe I would never have done what I did today.
• Where the water for the flood could have come from
• The teachers thought I was insane
• Where I'm From, You'd Think There Was a Tea Party Going On in the Hostess Dumpster
• This was the shinest golden dollar I would ever see in my life and I was not about to tarnish it.
• If everyone had a flower instead of a gun, there would be no more war
• I had to call my father this evening and tell him I was dying.
• I didn't ask if the glass was half full or half empty. I've always had enough to drink.
• She was feminine in the most displaced sense I had ever seen, a known quality refracted through stained glass windows.
• AES may have been broken
• I could have been one of a two
• Having gotten myself into a position where I can have my cake and eat it too, I feel no compulsion to get up from the table
• Which God was cooler, the one from the Old Testament or the one from the New Testament?
• You thought the silent treatment was as cold as it could get
• She probably thought your first language was English; your real first language was Joyce
• If all you did was node, your writeups wouldn't be very interesting, would they?
• I know I have been dreaming
• Why have there been no great women artists?
• Your success in life has been predetermined from birth
• I have just been shot
• I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender.
• When people ask "Where are you from?" I have to think for a minute
• How I was thrown from a car at 45 mph
• By evening I will have returned all traces that I was ever here
• Sorrier than I ever thought I would be
• When that cow would walk it was like she was dancing
• I was less than one hundred footsteps away from you I suppose
• Balloons whose strings have slipped from unclutched hands
• If I had a rocket launcher, some son of a bitch would pay!
• if you had it as an option, would you take it?
• Don Quixote had his windmills, I have my helicopters
• They say that I have the best ass below 14th Street
• Nodes your Grandma would have liked
• Phone books have never been this exciting!
• Having an S on a transcript rather than a B
• Removed from humanity, I realized I was just another distraction
• Home Thoughts, From Abroad
• No matter where I was, whisps of you haunted my thoughts
• i saw the ugliest thing in the world and thought it was neat-o
• He made me promise I would do this when I was next sad. So I promised myself I would not be sad again.
• Hey, Mr. DJ, I Thought You Said We Had a Deal
• Grammatical and syntactic puzzles
• We have been shown the plan only insofar as it concerns ourselves
• It was one of the worst things I have ever done
• I think I was watching the most beautiful thing I have ever seen
• The hot girls from cold countries have scars you're not supposed to see
• What I would do If I knew what was good for me
• These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.
• Things that have never been said in the entire history of man
• Do unto others as you would have others do unto you
• I wish I had been told what Schrödinger really meant
• I never thought I'd have something to say
• I would have tried, but Charlotte kept Charlotte in the world of Charlotte and she barely heard me
• Things that would have seemed unbelievable about 11 years ago
• Shaymus is older than I thought he was
• I can't remember why I thought this was a bad idea
• She always was all tea and oranges that came all the way from China
• A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have
• The trail of its demise was visible from the surf.
• The girls had gone wild and now my dad's cock was missing
• A time when a gun might have been helpful
• I had been hungry all the years
• I'll look at this in a year and wonder how I could have been so stupid
• how to stop someone's massive bleeding from the femoral artery
• I didn't have the heart to tell him I was lying about taco night, but at least the hellhound made some friends

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