… and here is your host: Johnny Fullman!
JF: Thank-you, thank-you! Later this week on "I did it for Christ" we'll be talking to Lucy Dasilva …
Cut to LD: I gave up smoking for Christ!
JF: … Becky Plunkett …
Cut to BP: I married my Pastor for Christ!
JF: … and LeRoy King …
Cut to LK: I made a million dollars for Christ!
JF: … But first, let's hear it for Luther Smith:
Cut to LS: I sold my soul to the Devil for Christ!
JF: You're watching The True Salvation Network! And now, a word from our sponsors:
JF: So tell us, Luther, how did you come to sell your soul to the Devil?
LS: Well sir, my Pastor, Reverend Hammond, warned us that there was a group of Satanists in the neighborhood settin' traps for the faithful and leadin' the young folk astray. But he also told us that these sinners were souls cryin' out for salvation and that it was our duty to be a witness to them for Christ.
JF: And isn't that a word of truth? Is not every soul in this world of sin crying out for the True Salvation of the LORD?
[Applause, some hallelujahs]
LS: Indeed they are sir. And so I did hear a voice sayin' it was my Christian duty to witness to those poor sinners right there where they were.
JF: And how did you do that? Did you pray for the LORD for guidance?
LS: Indeed I did, sir. And guidance did come. For the LORD gave me guidance through Google.
JF: Glory be to the LORD for his guidance through Google!
LS: Indeed, glory be! And the glorious Google guidance of God led me straight into the lion's den.
JF: Into the lion's den?
LS: Indeed, sir. Into the lion's den.
JF: Into the den of the lion?
LS: Yes, sir, into the lion's den.
JF: And how did you enter that lion's den?
LS: In fear and trepidation, sir, but strong in the trust of the LORD.
JF: And in prayer?
LS: Yes, sir. I prayed for strength, and my prayers were answered.
JF: And how did you enter that lion's den?
LS: Through the side door, sir. From the car park.
JF: And where was that den of iniquity?
LS: It was in the small ballroom of the downtown hotel Sheets, sir. Where with the guidance of the LORD through Google I had ascertained that there was to be public lecture free of charge for all those with an interest in the perdition of their souls.
JF: And there you were a witness for Christ to the lost?
LS: Well, sir I did try to witness on that occasion, but the forces of perdition overcame me. And I was cast out.
JF: The forces of perdition cast you out into the darkness?
LS: Yes, sir, into the car park. But I was not discouraged, for with the aid of the LORD I had obtained for myself a pamphlet. And so I was able to attend the next meetin' of those minions of Lucifer. And there I was not cast out.
JF: Praise be! Did the LORD cause those minions of Lucifer to stay their hand?
LS: No, sir. The LORD caused me to stay my tongue. The doctor called it streptococcus, but I recognised the hand of the LORD. For I realised that to witness to these poor lost sinners I must sojourn among them. And I did do that and was rewarded.
JF: And those sinners did turn to the LORD?
LS: No, sir, not yet. But my faithfulness touched their evil hearts, and they called me to sign the pledge.
JF: And can you tell our viewers what pledge that was?
LS: Yes sir. I did pledge my soul to the Lord of Darkness, to Lucifer, chief among the Fallen, he who is callèd Satan, the Enemy of Mankind.
JF: And can you tell us why you did that thing, Luther?
LS: Yes, sir! I did it for Christ!
[Applause, some hallelujahs, one praise the LORD]
LS: … for to witness to those sinners, who are now my friends, I must sojourn with them in the vale of darkness where they do live. And bring the light to them where they are.
JF: And so you now lead the life of a Satanist?
LS: Yes, sir, I do. For I have made my pledge, and my word is my bond.
JF: And what does that mean, to live a Satanist life? What sacrifices must you make?
LS: Well, sir, most days there is little sacrifice required. But on the night of the full moon, there are the Rites.
JF: And what are they, those 'Rites'?
LS: They are the most evil expression of Satanist perdition and lascivious degeneracy.
JF: Perdition and degeneracy, Luther?
LS: Perdition and degeneracy, sir.
JF: And could you tell our viewers the nature of this perdition and degeneracy, Luther?
LS: Well, sir. There is the Black Mass.
JF: The Black Mass?
LS: The Black Mass, sir. For the Satanists do not dare pervert the true worship of the LORD, but instead their worship is a travesty of that of the Whore of Babylon.
JF: The Whore of Babylon?
LS: Yes, sir, the church of Rome.
JF: And that travesty is an expression of perdition and degeneracy.
LS: Of perdition, sir. The degeneracy comes after.
JF: And what degeneracy would that be?
LS: Well that varies, sir. At times it is an evil drug-driven orgy. At times it is the defilement of an innocent virgin. And at times it is the thing with the cat.
JF: The thing with the cat?
LS: Yes, sir. With the cat.
JF: Um … Well, Luther: could you tell us about this defilement?
LS: Yes, sir. An innocent virgin who has been lured into that den of iniquity, that pit of degeneracy, that sump of evil, a sweet young virgin is tied to a rock and deflowered. And then all the men present do violate her impure body.
JF: That must truly be a difficult sacrifice to lay at the foot of the cross!
LS: Yes, sir, but with the strength of Christ I can endure it!
[Applause, some hallelujahs, several cries of praise the LORD, praise Jesus, etc.]
LS: … and I can witness the mercy of the LORD to those poor unfortunate virgins. Former virgins.
JF: But moving on from the virgins …
LS: Yes, sir, the thing with the cat …
JF: Not now Luther, I'm afraid we're running out of time. But you have in truth sold your soul to the Devil, have you not?
LS: Yes, sir. My soul is forfeit to the Father of Lies.
JF: And so you are in fact damned, are you not?
LS: Yes sir, I have accepted my damnation as the price of my witness to Christ Jesus, my saviour.
JF: And there is no return to the Grace of the LORD?
LS: No, sir. I have given my word, and my word is my bond. I am a plaything of Beelzebub, and after my passin' my soul shall descend, and I shall be a witness to Christ in the infernal regions.
JF: And you did it for Christ! Praise the LORD!
[Applause, some hallelujahs, several cries of praise the LORD, praise Jesus, spontaneous singing, clapping, etc. Cut to commercial break.]