I had the pleasure of interviewing a former Anne Geddes model

The glamour, the money, the attention... moreso the joy of your face being in every Hallmark store in America! These and more are the life the former Anne Geddes model Jason Harbrook, 3, has lived.

MP: What was it like being in the spotlight of America's favorite baby photographer/greeting card cuteness pioneer?

JH: It was fucking awesome! Of course Mom and Dad were there! They had the glow in their eyes, the wide smiles on their faces...

MP: Because they were proud of seeing their little bundle of joy in front of the camera, knowing your beauty would be admired the world over?

JH: That and the massive wads of infant cash I was raking in. Shit! You ever been in a Mercedes M-Class with your own hot tub and all the stuffed animals in the world?!

MP: Can't say I have...

JH: That shit was all decked out up in there.. chilled Pedialyte, gold pacifiers... Dad even drove the JaceMobile up to the day care center and got me some honeys!

MP: Gotta enjoy the fruits of your labors, I suppose.

JH: Believe me, we're all enjoying the fruits of Ma's labor! Hah!

Jason pauses to stand up and make explicit gyrating motions

MP: Well... aren't we a bit... robust for a 3 year old... So, how'd you get started on the modeling circuit?

JH: Mom entered me in the Highlands Ranch Soccer-Mom Gazette's Cutest Baby Contest... Things were looking pretty grim. I'd spit up all over my Richard Simmons getup and pulled off the wig.. I have a secret weapon, though: Around 3 weeks I realized I had special mind-control powers that made the competition go nuts and shoot lightning bolts at their parents.. Something, eh?

MP: Whoa! So now the judges are thinking... OK, here's a perfectly cute gent who's only messed up his costume, and not in the process of frying his adult caretakers...

JH: ...and then I giggled cutely at the judges. That medal was SO mine. The grand prize was an all expenses paid trip to New York and an Anne Geddes modeling contract!

MP: I know the model's lifestyle can be taxing and demanding... what was life like on the Geddes set?

JH: Hour after hour of endless photo shoots, creepy old men prancing all around with their make-up and their buckets of rose petals and their god damn feather boas.. The entire lot of us would be screaming for naps or food... sometimes Ms. Geddes had to fuckin' breastfeed us herself just to shut us up! Don't EVEN ask how many babies suddenly had cold sores...

MP: So it was a challenge?

JH: That bitch Anne Geddes... It was all right though.. endless rattles and bottles and fun with the other models.. Abigail and Rachael, the Cow-Girl Midnight Sunset Babies, ended up bein' my hoes!

MP: So you had it pret-ty good for someone just starting out in the business...

JH: Yeah, well, it'll use you for all you've got then spit you up on the street when your youth and beauty have dried up! Towards age 18 months, we all knew my time was nearly up.. I had since gotten pretty heavy into the Quack and the Kaid.

MP: Quack? Kaid?

'Quack' is known on the suburban neighborhood streets as 'Wank', 'Woo', 'Glaflarble', and 'Pixy-Stix'. 'Kaid' is short for 'Kool-Aid'.

JH: Yeah, bitch. You know, the Wank? I'd be sniffin' that shit nearly every 4 hours chased down with a fuckload of the Kaid. I was fuckin' goin' into my shoots all wanked up and Kaided! I'd sniff the shit.. it'd be the greatest thing. It makes the Teletubbies that much funnier and gayer!

MP: And it was affecting your performance...

JH: No shit, Sherlock. The hoes, well, they pretty much kicked my ass to the curb. Who wants a washed-up Huggie?* I was once like the nubile, toothless ones that came after! Those motherfuckers came after my job! Rajesh and Greg would always be all: 'Oh my god, Terrance, that Huggie be reekin' of Dextrose and Cheerios! Shouldn't you be in Kindergarten?!' And then I'd breathe fire on Terrance for even slightly showing signs of agreeing with them... Terrance. That fucking tattle-tale. Then Marla would be all, 'Is that ANOTHER tooth coming in, Jason? And what's with that hair?!'

'Huggie' is a slang term whose meaning stems from Huggies diaper commercials, featuring older babies, typically those who have grown considerable heads of hair and learned to walk

MP: Bummer... What have you done since the Geddes circuit?

JH: I slid into a long depression, but Mom and Dad had a set of twin girls and I kicked the Kaid.. Since then I've auditioned for some Huggies commercials.. I did get a job on a Fox show at 24 months.. I played a baby being born! And to think, some people spread honey and chocolate syrup on themselves because they think it's erotic! Dang!

MP: I see the M-Class is still shiny and parked in the driveway, however.. Those bank statements your parents waved in my face.. Wow! You're still livin' it up!

JH: Yeah, thanks to my little hot-shit sisters.. They don't even send out the Mister Bunny Flower-Petal Boy Christmas OR Chanukah cards anymore.. Now it's all about 'Hey Jason, it's 2004! It's all about the Twinkly Lavender Tinsel Twins! It's OK, honey. We still love you. We saved some for your trust fund, didn't we?!' Meanwhile, look at me! Look at these big-ass, shiny teeth! This full head of hair! Another couple years I'll be in fucking Kindergarten! I am washed-up! My youth is vanishing before my very eyes! "Cheer up," Wanda and Wendy tell me. "There's always Ovaltine commercials!" Oh, I want SO bad to dye their faces. Hey, Mac, want some Quack?! Hey, that rhymes! *calls out* MOM! DAD! WRITE THIS DOWN! HEY MAC, WANT SOME QUACK. DO IT! GET RANDOM HOUSE ON THE PHONE! Well, want some?

Jason holds a pixy-stick up to his nose and inhales the colored powder

MP: Uh, no thanks.

JH: (convulsing and laughing) SHIT. OH YES. UNH! FUCK YES! Oh god, OH GOD THAT'S THE FUCKING *SHIT*.
-BKA