"Lefty, we know there's something you're not telling us. Your work is valued here. Your presence is valued here. Without your heroic efforts last week, we could have lost the Snorfnorknerfner Account. We all know what a disaster that would have been for the company.

"But you came through, Lefty. You came through for the team, and that means a lot to us.

"That's why we want to come through for you, Lefty. That's why we want to be accepting and nonjudgemental in every imaginable way. That's why we refuse to allow you to go on living a lie when we could be surrounding you with love, and acceptance, and, well, you know what I mean. Positive reinforcement. Good vibes. The shareholders love you, Lefty. They really do. They get a little bit choked up sometimes at the quarterly meetings. We all love you, Left.

"No, Lefty, please hear me out.

"And we know you love us, and we know you love everybody at this company, from the greatest to the smallest. We respect that love, Lefty. And we're going to use that love against you. We're going to use your pure saintly goodness as a lever against you, Lefty, because we want you to stop living that lie of yours, Lefty. We really want that for you.

"So here's the deal, Lefty. Listen up.

"Every day you stay in the closet, Lefty, we're going to fire some poor schmuck in shipping and receiving, or maybe in accounts payable. We're going to find the ones with pregant wives and bedfast grandparents, Lefty. We're going to find the sad cases, and we're going to fire them with no severance package and no references. We're going to make damned sure they never work in this industry again.

"Every day, Lefty. Every business day, actually, we'll fire one of them, aimlessly. One more ruined family, every single day, until you accept your sexuality and trust us to accept it too."

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