I was doing random things, checking out who owns what domain name, while confabulating mutant extreme sports involving pepsi max and bricks tied to heads, on IRC. This prompted me to browse for 'pepsi max' and It was revealed to me that www.pepsi-max.com is owned by some seething bloated Norwegian scammer who'd probably harpoon his mother for cash if she was blubbery enough:

This alone was not enough to spoil my day. I realize that some people have the morals of child molesters on viagra, and I fully support the right of anyone to be a bacterial, money grubbing, wank stained excuse for a flesh-sack. Just keep them the funk away from me (and stab them a lot if you get the chance). However, my day was already beginning to take a turn for the worse: the thought entered my as-yet-unsuspecting mind 'hey..check out www.diet-coke.com', see what primordial human refuse slurped that up like a pool of rancid ghee.

The good folks at Coca Cola Amatil had beaten the scammers to it. *AND* they had a message, no less. A life changing message. A message of hope, and peace, and a new bright shiny life based upon a bubbly brown caffeinated sugar-free beverage.

"Live your Life. Diet Coke.

Every day, you decide how to make the most of what you do.

You choose the moments that make you feel more alive.

So in the end, every day belongs to you.

Welcome to dietcoke.com."

My first reaction was a paroxysm of spittle spraying laughter. Then entirely without warning, but with buzz-saw clarity, the message cut its way through my protective shell of cynicism. This was the lifestyle I'd been searching for; the diet Coke lifestyle. Then luckily, the trusty crocodile part of my brain rejected the mesmerizing sophistication of it all, and my limbic system exploded alien-like from my head: atavism to the rescue once again. To paraphrase the pepsi-max extreme dropkicks...'whoaahh'. I think Oprah would balk before she'd use something this blatantly trite. Just look at the people in their carefully chosen images. Solar flare smiles; that radiant 'oh my god, I'm spontaneously achieving orgasm every 3.56 seconds in utter diet Coke bliss' look.

But wait...there's more! You can also register, so that the good folks at Coca Cola Amatil can get market researchy on your sorry ass..as well as inform you about 'diet Coke activities'. Buh? What pray tell? Like, prying open your sphincter with an empty diet Coke bottle? Are there other activities that don't involve either drinking, or container insertion, of which I am blissfully unaware?

"Register Now!

We'll keep you posted on the latest diet Coke news and activities."

So thank you diet Coke. As I sit, attempting to make sense of the world through a screen covered in congealed chunks of limbic system, I must thank you for trying to help me attain absolute happiness and fulfillment through unthinking sheep-like belief in the intrinsic value of your coloured and flavoured water product. I'm now very very scared. They actually intended people to read that.