Don't do this! It is wrong and isn't in the "holiday spirit"
all have been there before. For perhaps a week or so before December 25
the area under the tree
is littered with bags and boxes and present
s of the sort wrapped with cheerful holiday decorations. I know... IT'S HORRID! How can our family
s, and coworker
s treat us like this? Putting us through the agony of not knowing. I mean, isn't a natural human response to not knowing fear
? It's the best time of year not a time to strike fear into those closest to you!
We, as self respecting human beings, must protect ourselves against such harsh action taken against us! Knowledge is power, and power over the unknown (AKA "Christmas Present
s") is what we seek! So what are we going to do? Sneak a peak at what they got us!
There are three (3) simple ways to do this. All of these are sneaky, and only two (2) could be potentially dangerous. That is, unless you have no people skills
and go to the wrong person for the other one. In that case all three (3) COULD be dangerous, but honestly I trust you. You won't hurt yourself. To the presents!
The first line of defense: Double Agents and spies
Talk is key here. If you have operative
s or agent
s working with the enemy
(please note pipe links), Keep lines of communication open. In many cases, Christmas shopping is not a solo mission. Debrief
any allies that may have taken part in such a mission for details on what is inside the camouflaged
boxes. Such people are not always available, and often they are not cooperative with your cause. Despite this, it still remains the first line of defense. (but honestly, don't be stupid you may get yourself slapped or yelled at if you go to the wrong source)
Recon: You know they have it somewhere. Find it!
When tensions are high
, you know the enemy has a few secrets of their own. Find those secrets at all cost before they are employed
s are common hiding places for unconcealed units (typically under or behind clothing). Other places include under the bed, in the basement, and attic. There can't be too many places to hide stuff where you/they live, just look around for a while. They key here is not to disturb anything that is around the unit. If something is covering it, make sure you put it back or who ever it is you're spying on will be on to your tactics. (Always be smart when sneak
ing. Climbing up onto things, or even just moving around in the attic could be dangerous. You wouldn't want to fall or be attacked by guard dog
s would you? Also keep in mind everyone's privacy
. War might be harsh, but don't go into someone else's underwear drawer.)
Infiltration: All right, we're going in!
If you simply can't confirm enemy action it's time to move it to the front-line
. Arm yourself with a razor blade
and some tape
(matching the tape your gifts are wrapped with) and head in. Make sure it's either late at night or no one's home
. This is going to be a truly devious act, so let's keep casualties to a minimum. Grab the unit(s) encoded with you call signal
and turn them upside-down. Take the blade and cut
tape on the side of the box near to where the paper is folded as possible. This helps reduce visibility of your entry method. Odds are no one will bother to check for it anyway thought. Now that you have found your way in, carefully open the side and take a look. Most units have indicators on all sides (for consumers to easily identify them) so at this point you should have obtained the information needed. If the item is indeed unmarked
or ambiguous for your point of view, slide it out gently (again to minimize evidence
) until you see an identifying label. Place the unit back into it's camouflage. If the box is completely unlabeled, you're on your own. If you remove the entire piece from it's wrapping it will be hard to replace. I personally would surrender
at this point, but do as you wish. Now knowing what lies within, refold the paper and retape over the existing tape. None shall know of your entry. You and millions across the country can sleep easy knowing that the boxes do not contain deadly ninja
s to destroy you. That is, unless they do contain ninjas. In that case you'll most likely be KIA
. (Razor blades can be dangerous, so don't get nervous and cut yourself. Above that, if someone walks in on you during this act you will either be shot or embarrassed to death. So don't get caught!)
Enjoy your holidays and don't ruin ALL your gifts!